Maybe Blair could have forgotten Dan Humphrey if he didn't write a scathing novel about her and run away to Rome never to be seen again for twenty years. She may have been able to forget him if he would have answered any of her phone calls or e-mails trying to explain why she chose Chuck Bass without telling him first. She may have been able to forget him if she hadn't seen the video of him and Serena having sex at the Shepherds divorce party. But she can't forget him so she uses those things to reassure herself that she made the right choice in leaving him. She uses those things so she doesn't remember the real reasons she doesn't want to forget him.
She devotes all of her time and energy into going after what she thinks she wants. She hasn't been able to let go of Chuck for two years and yet she was always finding excuses for why they couldn't be together. It had finally taken her relationship with Dan to realize she could find herself again, and before the tiara, and the Empire, she had been set on Chuck. How could she not choose Chuck when everyone had always said they had this force field between them, drawing them back together. They were magnetic and inevitable.
But when she finally tells Chuck this, he is angry with her, and he tells her she's not enough, not now, when he's lost his Empire, again. He's spent the entire year waiting for her, so it only makes sense that now that she's ready to commit, he's changed his mind. She refuses to look at the irony of being rejected on the same hotel she was sold for two years ago. But she convinces herself that he has every right to be angry, she has been fickle and cold. He did buy her freedom, and he does always put her first, right? She's already decided this is what she wants, and so she doesn't bother addressing the tiny doubt that has been seeded deep within. She flies to Paris with her mother, and again to Monaco, to fight for what she wants.
Chuck is impressed with her because he doesn't reject her a second time and they reunite, ChuckandBlair, BlairandChuck. But then, he decides in order for them to fully commit they need to take time by themselves. Time to find out who they are and sort out their issues separately because this time, there is no turning back. Blair finds herself comparing him to Dan, the Dan who told her they were a team and they needed to face issues together. She wonders why he hasn't replied to a single e-mail. And then Chuck gives her his ring on a necklace and she forgets about everything else.
The summer passes, and she's barely seen Chuck or anyone else from New York. She spends all her time in Paris working hard as she job shadows Eleanor. She never imagined herself on this side of fashion, was never particularly interested in the ins and outs of the design aspect. If she's honest with herself, she finds it a little boring. She loves fashion, and learning about design is a great asset to have but she wants more skills to add to her arsenal. She needs a challenge, and more control. She ends up spending most of her time with Eleanor's business partner, who manages the company. She's already good at staying updated on trends and fashion news. She already has pristine taste and a qualified opinion. So she learns about marketing, advertising, and merchandising. She surrounds herself with the entire industry, introducing herself to photographers, writers, designers, and editors she meets in Paris.
By the end of the summer she has promises of future employment if she comes back with her diploma. They all tell her she has potential but she needs to finish college, and without it all they can offer her is an internship or entry level positions with little hope for promotion. Eleanor isn't exactly surprised when Blair confides in her that she isn't ready for the reigns to Eleanor Waldorf Designs, that she is going back to Columbia. Eleanor calls her a dictator of taste and Blair smiles when it reminds her of Dan. She may be that same powerful and intelligent girl after all.
She's surprised by how much she thinks of Dan. She misses him, almost calls him every time she needs a friend, pretends like she knows his exact opinion and what he would say when she watches old movies when she's alone at night, or goes to art exhibit on the weekends. He has become the voice inside her head.
Chuck tries to be happy for her and her rejuvenated sense of spirit and motivation. He hasn't had any luck with investors and Bart cuts him down at every turn making him feel like the same little boy who tried his entire life to get his father's attention. He isn't anywhere close to getting what he wants or figuring out his issues. He doesn't accept Blair's help when she offers and she somehow asks herself if Chuck does it on purpose, he knows that she needs to be needed and by rejecting her help, he has some sort of power over her. She wonders if he's still playing a game with her. But then he tells her he loves her and he can't wait for them to be reunited, and she forgets to answer those questions.
Blair hasn't heard from Serena all summer, Gossip Girl hasn't reported anything on her, and when Lily calls concerned that she hasn't heard from her, Blair starts to worry. She doesn't understand it, why she feels this need to come to Serena's rescue. She hates that she likes being the successful one, seeing Serena lose control. She hates it because it might mean the one thing they were always so afraid to say out loud. Their relationship is more toxic than good.
After one week of being back in New York City, Dan's book is released. She reads it right away and she wishes she hadn't. She drowns his voice inside her head until she can no longer hear it. She is angry with him but she convinces herself that Dan Humphrey is still a judgmental ass with a chip on his shoulder who plays the victim better than even Serena, and she shouldn't be bothered with his opinion of her. It just proves she made the right choice after all.
She can tell Chuck reads the book even though he doesn't bring it up. She can tell because Dan's book is from Charlie Trout's point of view and and no one is painted more conniving and damaged than the main character. Charlie and Clair's relationship is in print for all the world to read, and Charlie Trout might as well be the devil. Clair is insecure and emotionally unstable after jumping from one relationship to the next, suffering a miscarriage, and running back to Charlie every time she comes close to maturing or moving on. The two of them exile everyone in their path, whoever dares come between them, or speaks the truth. But when they finally get together, it's not enough for Charlie, and he realizes he is incapable of happiness and he commits suicide. Clair is left alone in the city, everyone she used to care about has been exiled.
Chuck can't fix things with Bart but he can prove Dan Humphrey wrong and he decides he doesn't want to play the charade of being apart any longer. So when Chuck proposes a week later, she says yes.
Falling back into her old life is a lot easier than she thought. She has always been a master at living in denial, so good in fact, that she pretends so well she actually starts to believe it. They rescue Serena from herself again, flushing the drugs down the toilet, standing watch for 48 hours. In no time at all, Blair and Serena are back to their lifetime bond of holding on too tight while passively resenting one another.
Blair schemes with Chuck to get back at Bart. She possesses minions and manipulates those around her at Columbia to stay in control. Her and Chuck fall back into a routine of second guessing each other, arguing, and making up with sex instead of talking. She avoids book stores altogether so she doesn't have to see Exiled in the windows on display.
Eleanor finally comes clean at Thanksgiving that she has cancer. Blair doesn't turn to Chuck or Serena, instead she folds in upon herself. The next few weeks she feels heavier, like a storm is brewing and she can't do anything about it. .
Serena and Dan's sex tape is released and the floodgates open. Blair is so angry and hurt, she wants to scream until her lungs give out. And at the same time she is so tired she can't move. She feels seventeen again. She's so unhappy she doesn't know what to do, she hates this part of herself that she so effortlessly becomes when she's around Chuck and Serena.
So before history repeats itself and Serena shows up begging for forgiveness, Blair changes the ending. She won't lash out and declare war on her best friend, she won't even get mad.
It's the first snow fall of the year, the first of December, and Blair knew she would find Serena here, it's Serena's version of the duck pond. She's dressed warm, knees tucked underneath her, snuggled into the bench, protected from the blowing drifts of wet snow. Blair has a moment of deja vu, it's pouring rain, and they're in high school, crying as Blair bears her sole and they share the most honest moment of their friendship.
Blair showing up here is symbolic, and so beautifully poetic, except she's coming to remove the one thing she put in place five years before.
Serena freezes upon Blair's approach. Blair watches Serena have the same trip down memory lane before hesitantly smiling. Serena makes a move to get up.
"I can't be around you anymore, Serena." Blair says it so expressively without malice, that Serena's jaw drops and she falls back against the bench.
"What do you mean Blair? We're family remember? I love you, I will always love you." Serena replies quietly, looking down at her hands, probably thinking about the consequences of Blair's confession.
Blair sits down next to her, "And maybe that's the problem. We hold on to each other so tightly that it's stopping us from growing up and being the people we are meant to be."
"Blair I'm so sorry for what I did, I've just been so lost this last year, and I acted without thinking. I just need your help, the nonjudgmental breakfast club remember? We forgive each other for everything." Serena's plead is half hearted, because this has been a long time coming. Serena's never been as strong as Blair, and now that Blair had initiated it, Serena was grasping to hold on knowing she would fail.
Blair is still so composed, her entire life had become trite and the energy to keep it maintained was waning. She looks at Serena before continuing, "I've always been jealous of you and I when I tell you that you don't earn the things you get, it's only because I know how much you hate it."
"And I hate that you might be right, and I take what's yours, because I can." Serena says looking defeated.
"We've been too afraid to admit that our friendship hasn't been real in quite some time. It's what we've always known. I care about you, but… I like it when you're struggling. I feel insecure when you're successful and that's not right. It's not healthy. "
"So what now? We go on and forget about each other? I love you B, I always will." Serena gives Blair's hand a squeeze before letting go just as quickly.
"I love you too S. Maybe one day we can reconnect, make sure our children don't make the same mistakes we do." Blair is already getting up, turning to leave.
Before she can though, Serena calls back to her. "B, since we're being honest, I did it because I saw how happy you were with Dan."
Blair turns back, "Excuse me?"
"I know I accused you of not getting over Chuck, but the truth is Blair, you were getting over him. You and Dan were moving on, finding yourselves, without the rest of us, and I was angry and jealous. I manipulated him, so I could ruin your happiness." Serena looks exhausted, they both do. And this final declaration of truth is what finally ends their bond.
Blair smiles meekly waving her hand as if it doesn't matter, her eyes deceiving her that maybe this is what she had been afraid to hear the whole time. "I had already chosen Chuck, it doesn't matter now."
"But I put it in motion, and I just want you to know that you were happier than I'd ever seen you."
Blair looks down before meeting her eyes again. "Thank you, and S, I hope you can finally accept how bright your light is, don't let anyone stop you, including yourself from getting everything you want in life."
"I won't."
Blair walks away, the snow clinging to every inch of her the moment she walked out into the park, the invisible white flag tucked into her pocket.
She won't leave Chuck until he's on the right path, and so for two months she walks around on eggshells pretending everything is fine. Inside she wants to feel that motivation from the summer, she wants to be free.
"This isn't working Chuck."
"I knew it. I knew you would find some reason to turn your back on me again!"
"Can you honestly say you're happy with this relationship? We keep having the same arguments over and over, nothing gets resolved."
"Fine, leave. Just know, when you decide I'm worth being with again, I won't be here."
"I hope so. You deserve to be happy."
"Yeah, you too."
Before she leaves she thinks she hears him on the phone, "so much time wasted that could have been spent on the Empire."
If she had stayed a little longer she would have heard him say , "Thank you father, if I knew saying goodbye to Blair would have gotten me back in your graces, I would have done it a long time ago."
She spends the next couple weeks crying herself to sleep. And she's not sure if it's because she's finally let go of Chuck, or she's said goodbye to Serena. She starts to think it's beyond that, she cries for her baby, her mother's illness, and for Dan. She cries because for the first time in her life she has no one, fake or other. She can't hide behind her mask, or seek out counsel in Brooklyn, she has to face this on her own.
She hates Dan, for the ugly truths about his book that she wished weren't true. She misses him for being the only one to show her the light when he wasn't even there any more. She loves him even though it's too late.
She goes on though. She still has school and she focuses her energy into helping her mother, and learning everything she can, spending all of her vacations in Paris with her family. She seeks help from a therapist, and she's on her own for the first time in her life.
Blair was right on time as usual, never early and never late. It was February in New York, she was into her second month at her new job as editor in chief of W magazine, an accomplished task at the age of 40. She had been working non stop for nineteen years, or her entire life really. She managed to leave at a decent hour for being a Monday and was glad she was able to make it to drinks with a friend she hadn't seen in six months.
Her friend was already there of course, sitting in a secluded booth, drinks on the table. She was wearing Louboutin pumps and a Dolce and Gabbana couture that Blair almost considered calling a photographer so they could add her to this month's issue.
"Thank god you're here, I've had the longest day, I didn't expect it to be this hard to hire competent fashionable people," Blair spoke before gracefully sliding into the booth across from her friend.
"You just started, as soon as you mold them to your liking, no one will be able to stop talking about your strategic and powerful regime." Her friend lifted her dirty martini in salute, clinking it to Blair's own raised glass, and they both smirked before taking a sip.
"I'm glad you could meet me before you left, when's your flight?" Blair asked.
Checking her watch, her friend replied, "I need to leave for JFK in an hour."
"Sooo… how did the meeting go?" Blair looked at her impatiently as if she had expected the answer as soon as she sat down.
"They picked up my pilot, you're looking at the new show runner and director of Manhattan Elite."
"Congratulations! That's fabulous…" Blair was genuinely happy, it meant she would see more of her friend now that she would be in New York permanently. But the way she had replied made her think her friend wasn't as enthusiastic as her. "Wait, why don't you look excited, I thought you wanted to move to New York, get away from all those boho vegan Californians?"
"I would love to settle in here, be closer to the family, have the kids go to school in the city … it's Dan." Her friend replied, her gaze lingering into space.
"Cassandra, just because he avoids New York like the plague-"
Cassandra interrupted her before she could finish, "No, that's just it. He's corresponded with the editor at The New Yorker for years and apparently he's retiring and he's asked Dan to come interview for it. Dan wants to come home. And he told me he's still in love with me and wants to try again."
"Finally." Blair wasn't surprised. After becoming closer with Cassandra after her split with Dan three years prior, she had been waiting for the day Cassandra told her they were getting back together.
Cassandra looked at her questioningly.
Blair went on, "Come on, you tell me he hasn't dated anyone seriously in the three years you've been divorced. Anyways, how did you respond? I thought things with Bobby were getting more serious?"
Cassandra had begun dating her former childhood sweetheart, a man who brought a whole lot of baggage. Someone, she imagined, Dan Humphrey hated for a whole lot of reasons including the fact that he was probably reminded of Chuck Bass.
Cassandra sighed, taking another sip of her drink, "I didn't say anything, I just left. And I hated myself as soon as I did it."
Blair winced thinking about his incredibly bad track record with women leaving him after he professes his love to them. "That man should just never say I love you first."
"Exactly, and we've managed to stay such good friends since splitting, and the last two years, it's like he's a different person. He's so solid and secure, why do men always wait until after you divorce them to become the man you always wanted them to be?" Cassandra replies frustrated, knocking back the rest of her martini.
"It takes losing someone to make you realize what you've always needed." Blair replies looking off into space before taking an extra long sip of her own martini.
"Apparently, but then there's Bobby. I spent fifteen years pretending like he didn't exist, and then he pops back in my life and he hasn't gone away since. He is Teddy's father, and I can't help but love him too."
Blair was thankful in that moment, for choosing Chuck all those years before, for knowing that she would never look back in her life and wonder what could have been with them. She doesn't know much about Bobby and their relationship, and she wonders if Bobby is Blair's Chuck or Blair's Dan, because if she knew then the answer was obvious.
Blair replied thoughtfully, "And you've been dating him for awhile now. From my experience, if you're having doubts, you need to address them, because there is a reason they are there. And for the record, the only thing lamer than marrying Dan Humphrey, is divorcing Dan Humphrey and walking away from a second chance." She shrugged and waved her hand nonchalantly as if her confession wasn't as meaningful as it sounded.
Cassandra smiled at her, they had an unspoken bond when it came to her ex husband. "I caught him watching Rosemary's Baby the other week, he was mouthing the words. For years he refused to watch it. He said he couldn't stand the movie but he would never tell me why he owned it. And he's closer with his family, Nate, Vanessa, even Serena, than he was the entire time we were married. It's almost like he's made peace with whatever inner turmoil he had."
"That's good." Blair said meekly, she tried not to get too much detail on the inner workings of his life.
Cassandra took notice and switched the subject. "Enough about me. Men suck, what's new with you? How is Holly?"
They lost track of time talking, laughing, gossiping, and feeling ten years younger. Cassandra was up on her feet when she realized she should have left twenty minutes ago for the airport.
"I'll be back in the city in May, shooting starts in July! I need you superior taste in real estate." Cassandra says as their walking out the front door into a rainy New York night.
"I leave for Paris April 15, but I'll be back the end of August. In the meantime, I'll e-mail you anything I find!" Blair gives her a quick hug before they both start walking briskly to their destinations.
"You're the best. See you on the Upper East Side." Cassandra nods before ducking her head into her town car.
Blair feels an urge to ask her one last thing, "Cassandra, what are you going to do?" Blair semi shouts turning back from the open door of her own car.
Instead of replying Cassandra just winks at her, and replies "Ciao," before blowing her a kiss and disappearing down the street.
Blair finds out about the accident the next morning.
I hope this isn't confusing. Second part takes place just before Dan moves back to the city. Blair and Cassandra are friends? And how long have they known each other? And also, as much as I love Blairena, they haven't been true friends for so long, they need a long break from one another. Thanks for reading, drop a line!