Chapter 9: Cloudy memories

"What did he mean by that?" Roxas asked Axel as they walked through the corridor of the dormitory floor some minutes later.

Axel kept his eyes straight forward.

"What did he mean by what?" he asked tonelessly.

Roxas felt an urge to smack him in the face for being so stiff all of a sudden, but he kept the urge down and inhaled slowly.

" I mean that thing about Diz getting a hold on me that would make me do something as stupid as trying to hack into the KH!"

Axel's face remained emotionless and his eyes were still focusing on what was in front of them.

"What makes you so sure he won't be able to do it?" Axel asked two steps later.

"Are you serious?" Roxas burst out and took a hold on Axel's sleeve, stopping him in the midst of a step and forcing him to look at him. "First off I have no fucking clue as to how I'll be able to even start cracking the first safetyline of codes surrounding that thing, without getting my ass kicked! Secondly, I'm not Sora! Why can't you just get that into your brains!"

Roxas was getting more than aggravated over this; he was starting to feel straight on mad from the frustration caused by all these questions without answers that were circling around inside his mind.

Axel blinked and focused his eyes on Roxas, really looking at him for the first time since they'd left Xemnas' office.

"Rox," he said in a low voice. The one word was filled with so much emotion that Roxas nearly held his breath in fear of doing something that would break the fragile balance kept between keeping up face and crying.

Axel was deeply troubled by something and had been so since Xemnas started to talk about Sora's fate.

Roxas swallowed hard as he waited cautiously for what might come.

"Don't you get it already?" Axel continued.

"Get what?"Roxas replied gently. "What am I supposed to get? Tell me!"

For a moment it was as if a shadow suddenly passed across Axel's face and Roxas felt a sudden sting in his chest.

"You really can't see it? You don't remember?"

Axel's voice was weak and hushed close to a whisper. The ache it created in the blonde's chest almost put him in a panic. But he couldn't find anything in his memory to help him end this painful expression in his friend's face.

The confusion he felt was written all over Roxas' face, his sapphire eyes wide open and his eyebrows and mouth forming a worried, almost scared expression.

Axel breathed in deeply.

He'd never thought it would hurt this much.

"I really thought you'd remember it after you said that line when you woke up..." he mumbled, more to himself than to Roxas.

The blond was at his limit of how much pressure his mind could take.

"Axel, please, tell me what it is I'm missing here..." he begged, renewed his grip on Axel's sleeve and grabbed a hold on the other one as well, as if to keep him from running away. "Please? I can't take much more of this! If I'm hurting you... if I've said something wrong..."

At this, Axel stared at him and slowly shook his head.

"No, Rox, it's not that, don't ever think that!"

"But what is it then? Why are you acting like this?"

To his utter embarrassment, Roxas felt a tear release itself from the corner of his right eye.

Axel reached out and with his thumb he dried away the tear from his cheek.

Slowly, careful not to fright him, Axel pulled Roxas closer to him and closed his arms tightly, protectively, around him, letting one hand hold on to the back of his head, fingers caressing the soft golden spikes of hair.

Roxas drew a shivering breath, then closed his eyes and responded to the embrace with putting his own arms around Axel in turn, while he let his tears flow freely. He could feel Axel's chin touch the top of his head and the gentle brushing of his lips over the hair.

"Oh, gods, Rox, what am I going to do with you?" he mumbled softly.

Roxas didn't say anything, finally feeling at peace he didn't want the stillness of the moment to be interrupted.

They stood holding each other like that for minutes, neither one of them willing to let go of the other.

"Axel?" Roxas mumbled as his tears had dried out.

"Hm?" Axel let go of his head so that he could look up at him.

"What is it then?" Roxas finished his question, reminding Axel that ha hadn't given him an answer.

Axel sighed.

"Really Rox, are you a bit daft?"

Before Roxas could comment on this, Axel took his face between his hands, leaned in closer and touched his lips to Roxas' in a brief kiss.

Roxas felt a wave of emotions wash over him at the unexpected gesture. Surprise, excitement, nervousness, confusion and sudden clarity. All of it resulting in a rose on his cheeks and an inabitlity to decide whether or not to like what was happening.

Axel backed away just enough to see Roxas' reaction and gave him a sad smile.

"This is why you're in danger, Rox," he said softly. "Because I love you, and Diz knows it. He can use that against us both and it was proved when I neglected my duties to this organization in my search for a way to save you".

Roxas blinked.

"You... you did that... for me?"

Axel let out a short laugh.

"Come to think of it, I might even have broken some rules to do so," he replied.

Suddenly Roxas remembered something Axel had said and felt a bit embarrassed to ask, but since he simply needed to know the answer, he did it anyway.

"Urm, Axel... You asked if I didn't remember... did you mean this? Did we... do we...Do I feel the same as you?"

Axel's momentarily lit up face was once more clouded.

"If the answer to that question isn't obvious, Roxas, then it's no."

"But..."

"You used to, if that's what you mean."

Axel slowly broke the embrace.

"You don't have to force yourself to remember everything in one instant, Roxas. Just take your time and when or if you ever do feel like it, I'll be there waiting for you, ok?"

Roxas could only nod shortly, feeling like he'd lost something precious, but without being able to remember what it was.

The turbulence inside him had him wondering whether or not he could really trust his own body and mind.

Axel helped him back to his room in silence and left without any further surprises thrown at Roxas.

As he laid down on the small bed and sleep was making an intrusion on his mind, Roxas suddenly had a distinct sensation of being afraid to fall asleep. But he barely had time to think about it, before he was sound asleep, his body and mind worn out by spending the day up-right and in conversation.