The Essentials of Sociology

Chapter Twelve: Liquid Confidence

A/N: Here it is. Drunk!Reid. I love it, I love it, I love it.

-Bumbleblue

P.S. Oh, yeah and I changed the rating because bow-chicka-wow-wow (nothing too racy, but it does cross the "T" line).

"Chug, chug, chug, chug! Woo!" JJ, and Garcia cried out as Reid downed a cup full of beer. When he finished, he slammed down the cup and breathed heavily, wincing. Derek stood beside Spencer's chair with a smirk, sipping out of a water bottle and watching. He'd said earlier that all be damned if he missed this.

Spencer belched and held up his palms, giggling, "Sorry."

Prentiss strolled into the living room from the kitchen with a glass of Sherry and asked, "How many is that now?"

"Four cups of beer, three glasses of red stuff, and two… no, four shots of somethin' called 'Blueberry Vodka' which tasted like fuckin... piss and gasoline," Spencer slurred, shrugging, "And I'm still not drunk."

Garcia chuckled to Prentiss as she joined the group and sat down on the couch in between the two girls, "He's totally drunk."

"If I was drunk, could I do this?" Spencer said, standing easily and folding his arms. Not hearing Derek's slow warning of 'Spencer… Spencer, Spencer!' as he began to tip to the side, he caught himself, bracing a hand on the chair, "I'm fine! Totally wasted, but I'm fine!"

JJ laughed, sipping a soda, "Yeah, wasted enough not to know that we replaced that last beer with a Sex on the Beach."

Derek raised his eyebrow, "What in God's name is a 'Sex on the Beach'."

Prentiss replied, "The girliest drink known to man."

"Fucking sounds it," Derek chuckled over a sip of water.

Spencer sat back down on the chair and mumbled to what seemed like the wall, "Sure tasted like sex on the beach."

JJ leaned across Prentiss to tell Spencer, "Too much information, Reid."

Spencer paused, taking in her words and began to giggle again, "Hehehehe… sex… hehehehehe..."

Garcia shook her head, "Why didn't we think to get this on video?"

"Get me on video? I am not thaaaaaaat drunk!" Spencer said at full volume, pointing at Garcia, "…can you hear me? I think I'm a lil bit loud!"

Garcia blinked hard at the shock and nodded, "Just a tad."

"Wait, wha' you say abou' your tits?" Spencer asked, face full of pure confusion.

Derek ruffled Spencer's hair, "And that means it's time to go. Right, Dr. Reid?"

"Fuck no, I'm havin tha time ah m'life, man." Spencer slurred, folding his arms like an indignant child would to his mother. Then he paused and rocked back on his heels before giving a funny face and slamming a hand over his mouth. Derek took a step back and Spencer pulled his hand away from his own mouth, giggling with a snort, "False alarm."

Derek shrugged, "Alright. Just know that everything you say here can and will be used against you when we get back to work."

Spencer bit his lip and stared up at Derek, "You mirandizin' me?"

Derek paused, "Uh… what?"

"Are you readin' me mah rights?" Spencer asked coyly, running a finger down Derek's chest, "So you can handcuff me... lock me up... and throw away the key?"

The girls were all giving various reactions, all trying as hard as they could not to burst out laughing. JJ's mouth was open in shock, the hand on her cup gripping tightly. Prentiss had her hand over her mouth and her eyes were drawn wide. Garcia had her phone out pointed toward the two. She was obviously taping this. Garcia nodded, "Just go with it, this is perfect!"

Derek growled toward her and pulled Spencer's hand off of his chest, "I am not nearly drunk enough to 'go with it', and even if I was there is no way I'd let you video tape it!"

Spencer sighed impatiently, "Arrest me, Derek!"

"I'm not arresting you," Derek replied monotonously.

Spencer looked up at Derek through his eyelashes and poked out a lip, "Wha' if I say please?"

Derek rolled his eyes, "Ha ha, funny. Okay? Joke's over. I'm not doing it. Garcia, turn the camera off."

Garcia snickered, "Not on your life."

Spencer stood and strode up to Derek, leaning over to whisper in his ear so quietly it was almost inaudible, "Would you arrest me if I handcuff'd myself to your bed and put your gun in mah mouth...?"

Derek jammed his hand in between them to shove Spencer away from him.

He stumbled back and gave Derek a sultry look, putting his own thumb into his mouth and slowly letting it slide out. Spencer wanted to give him every second to see, slipping his lips around the digit as he pulled it out. The girls squealed behind them and laughed maniacally. God, Garcia had an iron grip on that camera and they were going to reap what they sewed Monday morning.

Derek grimaced, "Come on, Reid. Seriously. Stop."

Spencer chuckled, gaining his bearings after closing the space between them with a couple of paces, "Just so you know, I'm profiling the shit out of you right now," he ran his hand down Derek's chest and whispered loudly, "And you want me so much that I almost feel bad about it."

"You know what, fuck you, man!" Derek hissed, shaking his head and storming off toward the door, leaving Spencer standing in the middle of the room.

Garcia called him back and waved her arms, "Wait! Chocolate Thunder, come back!"

Derek turned as he reached the door, "Why? You obviously want to videotape Reid violating me, and I don't see the joy in that."

Garcia held up her free hands, "Camera's off!"

"And I'll keep it in my purse!" JJ offered, grabbing the phone out of Garcia's lap.

Derek glanced over at Reid, whom was laughing at a lampshade and rolled his eyes, walking back into the room after making everyone promise to tell no one what just happened. Spencer and Derek's relationship was mere moments away from being exposed. If he had given in to the heat of Spencer's chest pressing against his, or the grip of Spencer's hand on his waist, or the huskiness of Spencer's naughty whisper in his ear, they would have been done for. The girls of the BAU are quite good at keeping secrets, but when something's against policy, it's against policy: including the fact that Spencer and Derek are now dating.

The rest of the night went by quicker. After an hour of Spencer's giddy antics like engaging Prentiss's cat in a staring competition, trying to eat his own tie, and giggling like a school girl at literally everything, it was finally time to take him home. Derek was the designated driver, so he had piled Garcia, JJ, and Spencer into his car around one o'clock and headed to JJ's. After delivering a rather tipsy JJ to her husband and son, he drove a couple blocks down the street to give Garcia to an open armed Kevin. Then, it was just the two of them.

Spencer began humming the theme song to Doctor Who off key and drumming his fingers on the dashboard as Derek drove, snickering at random intervals at the color of his shoes. Derek arrived at Spencer's apartment twenty minutes later, and shut off the car after parking, "Come on, Pretty Boy. Let's get you into bed."

"Ooh," Spencer purred, "I like the sound of that."

Derek walked around the car and stuffed his keys in his pocket, opening Spencer's for him only to be leapt on and dragged against a tree. For a moment, Derek's arms flailed as he tried to get the shockingly heavy man off of him before Spencer grabbed Derek's face and kissed him sloppily on the lips, moaning loudly. Derek peeled Spencer's face from his awkwardly and cleared his throat, "I can't say I saw that coming."

Spencer whined and stomped his feet, "Don't you want me, Derek?"

"I swear that I want you, but, I can't right now. Not with you being… you know?" Derek tried to explain, reaching around Spencer to close his car door, "Now we have to get you undressed and in bed. Can you do that for me, Spence?"

Spencer looked back at him with wine clouded eyes, resting a hand on Derek's right pectoral, "Can I do it? Derek, if you were a rate of change, my exponential growth would be exceptional. If… you know what I mean."

Derek asked confusedly, "…what?"

Spencer announced aloud to the world, "I have an erection!"

Derek shook his head, "Alright, that's it. Give me your keys."

"Are we gonna fuck?"

"Spencer, give me your keys," Derek sighed.

Spencer asked, "Is that a yes?"

"Sure. Why not?" Derek lied, grabbing at the keys and bending at the knees to scoop Spencer up bridal style, "Upsy daisy."

Derek walked the two to the door, unlocked it and began the search for Spencer's room. The first was a living room which was attached to the kitchen area. Then a hallway. Derek shrugged and took the hallway and found several open doors, after peeking into a bathroom and a linen closet, he found it and tossed a mumbling Spencer onto the bed. He walked over to Spencer's dressers and looked for a pair of night clothes, smirking when he found a pair of ducky pajama bottoms and a tee shirt with Darth Vader on it. Derek grabbed them and tossed them beside Spencer, walking over to the bed and taking a seat, "Take your shirt off."

Spencer did so sloppily with a grin, pulling at the buttons and sliding the shirt down his shoulder, "I've always wanted to fuck you."

Derek paused, "...what?"

Spencer nodded quickly, "I've been sickeningly in love with you since... jeez, I think it was Denver. Yeah, it was. Remember when we had all that paper work and I asked you how dangerous it would be to have sex with a devil worshiper?"

"...yeah."

Spencer sighed, "I ended up thinking about having sex with you..."

Derek breathed quietly, mesmerized, "What?"

Spencer ran his hands down Derek's chest, "I'm still thinking about it. I can't get you out of my head. I can't get sex out of my head. I can't stop wondering how good it would feel to fuck you. It's the only thing on my mind."

"You're drunk." Derek pulled the tee shirt over Spencer's head and pushed his arms through the appropriate holes, adjusting it so that it lay right before ordering Spencer to take his pants off as well so that he can force him into the embarrassing ducky pants. Spencer refused, "Do it for me."

Derek rolled his eyes, "Spencer, you're a grown ass man. Do it yourself."

Spencer keened with a pout, "Please..."

"Jesus Christ," Derek sighed and eased off the bed and onto his knees between Spencer's legs to that he could attack the belt and tug the pants down in one quick swoop. As he did, Spencer let out a breathy groan when they passed his hips. Wow, Spencer really was hard. Derek licked his dry lips wet and forced himself to stay on task. Spencer's drunk, I will not take advantage, was the loud mantra going through his head as he cast aside the slacks and pulled the ducky pants over to him, putting Spencer's feet into them. "Derek," Spencer grabbed Derek's wrist, "C'mere…" He pulled it slowly up his soft, warm thigh and placed Derek's hand onto his thin clothed crotch, his wrist locked in his loose grip. Derek panicked. Spencer rubbed against his frozen hand and his head fell back softly, exposing that creamy, alabaster throat, "Mmm…" He let out a heavy breath as Spencer moaned loudly. Derek pressed his hand harder and Spencer ground deeper and faster.

He lost it. Derek couldn't hold back anymore. He tried so hard to contain himself, but he was at his limit. Derek knocked Spencer's hand out of the way and lifted him onto the bed. Before Spencer could react to the sudden change, Derek was on top of him, sealing their mouths together in a passionate kiss. Spencer nodded and groaned into Derek's mouth as he plunged his fist into Spencer's boxers, tugging and pulling and grasping until Spencer let out those soft whimpers that drive him up the wall. The sharp banging of the headboard on the wall rocked with the force with which he was stroking Spencer only turned him on more. Spencer ran his hands up and down Derek's body and gave enthusiastic replies as Derek pumped him, breathing out a mantra of swear words and 'Derek'. He looked down at his wrecked boyfriend worshipfully, who lay splayed out in underneath him so goddamned willing, and almost toppled over the edge. Spencer mewled softly as he slid his hands sloppily into Derek's pants, causing the latter to groan loudly.

Suddenly, there was another haste, loud banging noise and an angry sounding "shut up!" that sounded like it was coming from above them.

They were disturbing his neighbors. Yes. Oh, God, yes. Spencer's begs, and thrusts, and groans were picking up speed as they gratified each other until they both collided into one final intake of breath. This was better than all his previous sexual encounters combined ever were. This was beautiful. This was magical. This was fucking badass. Twenty seven seconds later, Spencer fell asleep.

Spencer woke up in his bed, his head on fire after a dreamless sleep. The sheets were all neat and straight with a second quilt on top of him that he didn't remember placing there. It was very warm, and extremely inviting. He rather wanted to stay there forever. Curling up into a little ball underneath the crisp sheets, Spencer glanced at the bedside clock despite his protesting temples. 9:47 am. What a wonderful day to not have work. His eyes traveled around the room which was just as immaculate as he left it the day of his and Derek's not-date except for one thing. There it was, staring at him from the bookshelf, lying on top of his stout, organized ledges. The Essentials of Sociology. What the fuck? Where did this book keep coming from? No matter what, it wouldn't leave him be. It's almost taunting him.

Suddenly, there was a soft knock at his door. Spencer instinctually brought his sheets up to his chin and scrambled around in his bedside drawer for his revolver, pointing it at the door, "Come on in…"

The door swung open and Spencer cocked the gun.

"I brought over some coffee and pain pills for that headache you should have right about—whoa, man don't wave that thing around!" Derek yelped, hiding behind the doorframe until Spencer lowered the weapon.

Spencer breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of Derek, but then raised an eyebrow, "How did you get in my house?"

"When I dropped you off last night, I stayed over to make sure you didn't choke on your own vomit and die," Derek replied flatly.

"You dropped me off last night?" Spencer asked, eyeing the coffee as Derek walked back into the room, leaning on the wall beside his bed.

Derek nodded, "Yeah? You don't remember?"

Spencer shook his head and reached his hands out toward the cup in Derek's hands. Derek pulled his hand back so that Spencer couldn't reach it as he replied, "Wait, you don't recall me dropping you off?"

"No, I don't, and it's quite disorienting since I'm used to remembering every waking moment of every fucking thing. I think I rather like it, actually," Spencer replied with a pout as his head waved with pain due to the sudden movement, "Now, give me coffee."

Derek shook his head, "Whoa, kid, no. Not until you tell me what you remember from last night. When you do, then you can get your liquid fuel."

Spencer sighed with exasperation, "I was chugging beer that was actually a Sex on the Beach, and the girls and you laughed at me. Then you were mirandizing me—which was really hot, by the way—and then I made some joke about you locking me up, and Garcia filmed it and you got mad. Then, we talked about our plans for the free weekend we have, and groaned about the paperwork we have to do on Monday, but I was laughing at a lampshade and then things got blurry and dark and I woke up here."

Derek paused, "Well, shit."

"Can I have my coffee now?"

Derek rolled his eyes and passed Spencer one of two cups which he greedily gulped down before pushing it across the table and making a face, "What the hell is that? Prison gruel?"

Lifting the cup and taking a sip, Derek made a comforted smile, "Oops, that's mine."

Spencer growled and leaned over to snatch the other cup out of Derek's hand, taking a generous sip and moaning, "Yes. This. All of this."

Derek suddenly looked nervous and Spencer raised an eyebrow, asking his boyfriend, "What?"

"I… I, uh… nothing. I'm gonna go get breakfast. You want anything?"

Spencer shrugged casually, "Get me a vanilla parfait, and I'll suck your dick when you get back."

Derek sputtered, "Wh… what?"

Spencer began to laugh and set his cup down, "Derek, messing with you is sometimes too much to resist."

Derek grimaced, heading toward the door, "Just for that, you're getting cold cereal."

"Make it Cap'n Crunch!" Spencer chuckled as Derek closed the door behind him.

By the time Derek returned, he was shaking Spencer awake around ten thirty. Spencer groaned and sat up, his headache partially soothed by rest and medication. Derek stood beside him and handed Spencer a paper bag. Spencer took it, raising an eyebrow, "Please tell me this is a parfait."

"Nope," Derek shrugged, a separate bag in his left hand, "It's a breakfast sandwich, extra grease. Eat up, kiddo."

Spencer glared, "Why are you trying to fatten me up?"

"I'm not, honest. Truth be told, the whole McDonalds order was a joke and greasy breakfasts are best for hangovers."

"…really?"

Derek said with a smirk, "You think I haven't had enough hangovers to prove that theory? I do science too, Nerd Boy."

Spencer let out a laugh and unwrapped the sandwich, taking a large bite, "Mmm. Damn, this is greasy. What's in it?"

Derek shrugged, "Eggs, cheese, bacon, and sausage."

"I'm not sure how I feel about eating this protein overload. You trying to tell me something?" Spencer replied, patting the space on the bed beside him and looking up at Derek, "Join me?"

Derek shuffled his feet, "Well, you know, I don't want to entrude…"

"Please."

"Okay…" Derek replied quietly, watching as Reid lifted the covers and slid under them cautiously, "You know I'm in street clothes, and—"

Spencer took another bite and leaned his head on Derek's shoulder as he chewed thoughfully and swallowed, "This isn't half bad, but I should stay away from dairy for the rest of the day. Did you know that if you ingest too much dairy and protein, your body stores some of the extra vitamins in your furthest extremity to save for later use? So, you can tell if someone has a calcium overload if they have white spots on their fingernails and toe nails. Isn't that neat?"

Derek smiled and opened his bag slowly as he digested the information, "That's actually pretty cool. Explains a hell of a lot why I have those then. Better cut back."

"You don't necessarily need to cut back. It's just there to be your back up plan, so just in case you spend a day without the vitamins found in protein and dairy products, you've saved a little extra to keep your body at a normal equilibrium," Spencer said around a bite, "They're actually called calcium deposits and lots of Americans between the ages of 25-45 have them. It's pretty common and should do no damage do your immediate health."

Derek nodded and unwrapped a funnel cake, breaking off a piece and taking a bite, "Good thing I got this unhealthy snack for breakfast. I'm gonna need all the protein I can get."

Spencer snickered, "Get that on my bed and I'll kill you."

Derek chuckled at that notion, "Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you try."

Shrugging, Spencer smirked, "I don't mean to brag, but I am quite exceptional at origami."

"Chinese paper folding?" Derek asked.

Spencer grimaced, "Shit, I was praying you wouldn't know what that was."

Derek began to laugh and broke off another strip of cake, stuffing it into Spencer's mouth, "I know a lot of things you don't."

"Name one," Spencer scoffed, holding his hand up to his mouth to accommodate the large piece of funnel cake that Derek had shoved in.

Derek shrugged, "I know how to kick a door down."

"Oh, please. That's just because you're big." Spencer chuckled, "You run at it and it breaks. While, extremely arousing, it's no real mystery."

"Well, actually, anyone can do it. It's not my BMI that breaks it, it's proper aim. If you thrust something heavy enough and fast enough at the center of the door five inches from the knob, you can break the lock by force with minimal damage to the door," Derek replied, taking another bite of the cake before pausing and looking over to Spencer, "You think me kicking down doors is 'arousing'?"

Spencer mumbled around a bite of his sandwich, "If you thrust something heavy enough and fast enough into the center of me, you can break my lock by force."

Derek paused, and let out a shocked laugh, "...what did you just say?"

Spencer blushed and looked away from him, "What I meant to say was, yeah, it's pretty arousing in a 'Me Tarzan, you Jane' sort of way."

"Okay, what?" Derek said through a chuckle.

Spencer folded his arms in embarrassment, "You don't have to kick those doors down like that! Hotch could! Prentiss could! Or, hell, we could just pick the lock for all I care! Forced entry is forced entry! But, no, badass Derek Morgan has to plunder through the door like some sort of steamroller! When is that necessary?"

Derek rolled his eyes and took another bite of funnel cake, "When an unsub is killing someone. When an unsub is endangering the community. When an unsub is psychotic and unstable. You know, all the time."

"But, do you have to do it like that?"

Derek asked, "Like what?"

Spencer replied, his annoyed face crumbling into a smile, "I don't know, like you literally want to cast it into Mordor! Why all the showmanship?"

"What's Mordor?" Derek asked.

Spencer shook his head, clearly disappointed, "I'm just going to ignore that."

Derek snickered around a bit of cake, "I don't know about the doors, man, it usually just happens. But since it turns you on so much, I'm just going to keep doing it."

"Are you kidding me?" Spencer laughed, "You don't care at all for my well-being. Just wait until I get the most inappropriate boner on a case and it will be your entire fucking fault."

Derek smirked, "I hope so. And, speaking of boners, you said the strangest thing last night."

"How does that correlate with boners at all?"

"Oh, just wait until you hear this," Derek laughed and quoted, "You told me that if I was a rate of change, your 'exponential growth would be exceptional'."

Spencer paused mid-bite, "I didn't."

"And more. When I got you dressed, you had always wanted to have sex with me and apparently have been 'sickeningly in love' with me since-"

Spencer sighed, "Denver. I didn't say Denver."

Derek shrugged, "Yeah, you did."

Spencer replied with a grin, "Well, at least I got you to undress me. I must have some kind of game when I'm drunk that I don't have while sober."

"Can fucking say that twice," Derek replied, taking a sip from a bottle of orange juice.

Spencer laughed, "You like drunk me better, don't you?"

"Eat your breakfast," Derek chuckled, shaking his head.

A/N: Sorry I'm two hours late, by the way. My mom called me out for a girls' morning, which turned into a girls' afternoon, which turned into a girls' night, which turned into a girls' when-the-fuck-am-I-getting-home. I would be mad if she wasn't one of the coolest bitches I know. I swear, we have too much fun together.

-Blueberry Vodka