The Essentials of Sociology

Chapter Fourteen: Love, Sex, and the IRS

A/N: Fun fact! Love, Sex, and the IRS is an actual play that my college put on two years ago. I found it fairly funny, but stayed out of the theatre department until last fall.

WARNING: The Avengers movie is mentioned, but not at all spoiled. Homophobia and racism makes a little debut. And, oh yeah. Bow-chicka-wow-wow.

-iBlue

Spencer walked out of the bullpen, quietly clutching his bag as he said goodbye to Rossi. When he had read those dreaded words a few hours ago, he knew that he was in some kind of trouble. When does anything good ever follow 'We need to talk'? Spencer sighed and stared at the elevator for a moment before asking it to send him downward. As it beeped quietly, Spencer walked into the doors and turned to press a button only to stare into the panicked looking eyes of Derek who was pressed up beside the doors as if he didn't want to be found. Spencer raised an eyebrow, "Do I want to know?"

Derek pressed the closed door button and took a deep breath, "Thank God it's you."

"Okay..." Spencer shrugged, deciding to stay out of it, "Basement floor, please."

"Truth be told, I'm hiding from Prentiss and JJ. Emily had her scary determined face on which means she wants me to talk, and JJ kept holding up a sharp pair of scissors and pointing at my head," Derek pushed the basement button and walked over to stand beside his boyfriend, rocking back on his heels before saying stiflingly, "So… how's life?"

Spencer shrugged, "Don't beat around the bush, Derek, what did you want to talk about?"

Derek replied, "I'd rather save that for somewhere with stuff you can't throw at me. Like that man purse. If I know you correctly, it's heavier than it looks."

"First of all, it's not a man purse, it's a satchel. The manliest of men have carried them for years; Benjamin Franklin and Paul Revere to name a few. Secondly, why would I want to throw it at you?" Spencer asked with a worried expression, he turned to Derek pleadingly, "Wait. Oh, God. Are you breaking up with me? I mean, I understand if maybe we're taking this too slow and you want to go faster… or maybe we're taking this too fast and you want to go slower… but whatever it is you want, I'll do. I swear. And I'm so sorry for the coffee thing. I'll buy you more coffee, I just—"

"It's nothing you did, Spence," Derek smiled fondly back at Spencer, "And I don't want to break up with you or your purse."

Spencer paused, "… oh."

"We still need to talk though," Derek said, "And it would be really awesome if you didn't launch something at my face, because honestly, it does half of my job."

Spencer chuckled, "I'll leave your face be and settle for a swift kick in the balls. How's that?"

"Not the best alternative," Derek casually slipped his hand through Spencer's, "But beggars can't be choosers, can they?"

Spencer looked down at Derek's hand and squeezed it shyly, whispering, "I really think that this holding hands thing is cute, but we're still technically at work, and if you want to get us fired now instead of later…"

Derek pulled his hand from Spencer's quickly and put it into his pocket, "Oh, shit. You're right."

"Somebody's gotta be," Spencer shrugged, letting a moment pass before saying quietly, "I liked it though."

"How about… when we go to the movies tonight… we could hold hands all night long?" Derek suggested simply.

Spencer gave Derek a look, "The movies? You want to go on a date? Now?"

"Why not?" Derek replied, "Our first date is long overdue. Plus, I want an excuse to grope you in public."

Spencer bit his lip with a large grin and replied, "How intense is this groping you speak of? Like… front of the theatre holding-hands-in-the-popcorn groping, middle of the theatre let's-see-if-we're-clever-enough-to-hide-it-from-the-public groping, or back of the theatre fuck-the-police-we-will-mentally-scar-your-children-if-we-have-to groping?"

Derek wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, "I was thinking we could start at the front and work our way back. And if the night goes well, you will be fucking the police."

"How can we do that all in one movie?" Spencer laughed at his boyfriend's crude joke.

Derek winked, "We won't. Three for the price of one."

Spencer hit Derek's arm playfully as the elevator doors opened, "That's so illegal!"

Derek stepped out of the sliding doors, "It's also the most fucking fun ever."

"No," Spencer chuckled, wandering off backwards toward the large garage opening which led to the bus stop he rides every night, eyes trained on Derek's.

Derek opened his arms out wide, "What are they going to do? Call the cops? We are the cops."

Spencer paused as those words sounded quite familiar. They were actually his from several hours earlier. Even though the kid he spoke to sounded like the least credible source he ask for, teenagers his age are enamored by the idea of sex since their bodies are going through all sorts of changes geared toward the same subject. They are overjoyed by the idea of other people doing what they want to do. It gives them a sort of relatability. Even though Garcia had assured him he hadn't had sex with Derek, there was still that kid who reassured him that not only did something brash go on in his apartment on Friday night, but it caused quite the commotion and it sounded a lot like what he had ruled out. He couldn't have been lying.

Before saying what he had to say, Spencer asked, "Can I have a ride? I have to go home and get something."

Derek grinned, "Yeah. Definitely."

As they walked toward the car, their hands bumped lightly together. Spencer tried to push down that little bubble of happiness at the feel of their touch while still keeping their hands from colliding too often for wandering eyes. He doesn't want to feel anything else until he knows the truth about Friday. Did they have sex, did they not have sex? Did Derek take advantage of him, or did he not? There was so much to talk about and discuss that he was almost at a loss. Yet, above it all, he was in love with Derek. Even though it made no quantifiable sense, it seemed to overrule everything. Strangely, abusive relationships were beginning to make more and more sense to him.

Spencer climbed into the large black truck and Derek hopped in on his side, starting up the car and pulling into the street. After a moment of comfortable silence, Spencer spoke, "What happened Friday night?"

Derek glanced over at him, "What do you mean?"

Spencer sighed, "Something lurid was happening in my apartment that caused a commotion and I was apparently saying your name loud enough to pierce the ceiling. There was some neighbor upstairs whose mother had a complaint about hearing us. Do you know anything about that?"

Derek paused for a moment and nervously tugged on his lip, "That's kind of what I want to talk to you about…"

"No better time like the present," he replied, silently hoping that his face was not revealing the tempest inside.

"You were drunk," Derek said with a fond smile, "… it was late, and we were driving home. I tried to get you out of the car and you latched onto me, saying in every cryptic way you could that you wanted to have sex with me. So, I hauled you inside, and put you into bed, telling you to put on your pajamas. You refused to do it without my help, and while I was taking your pants off… you, uh… you put my hand… well, you know…"

Spencer replied with a worried blush, "I wish I did, Derek, but I don't."

"You tried to get off... on my hand," Derek gulped, stopping at a red light, waiting for it to change before finishing, "Even though I wasn't initiating anything, you just kept going and it was really hot, I… I didn't stop you. I mean, I wanted to, but it was just so… primal. Before I knew it, I was on top of you, and you were shouting that you were liking it and making these noises that just—well, I finished you off. That was it. I swear. I realized what I had done and before I could apologize, you were asleep, mumbling something about 'writing sonnets about my eyes'."

By then, Spencer's legs were digging into the seat, his arms wrapped around them and his face shoved into his knees as he mumbled, "What do you mean, 'finished me off'?"

Derek cleared his throat, "You know… uh, I… I used my hand to—"

Spencer raised a hand above his head to silence him, "Got it! Got it, it's all clear. I understand. Shut up, please."

Derek groaned, "Hell, boy, don't want to be talking about this either."

Spencer sighed, "As much as I hate to keep this topic going, something's seems uneven to me…"

Derek rolled his eyes and looked pointedly out of his window, "Okay, fine. You actually said you were going to write sonnets about my dick, but I figured I'd spare you the embarrassment and ad lib."

"Fucking hell…" Spencer muttered into his legs.

Derek hissed, "I hated how hot it was."

Spencer peeked innocently over his arm, "Just an innocent question though… did I make it so you enjoyed it? I hope I wasn't rude."

"Spencer!" Derek replied.

Spencer groaned, "Okay, I'll shut up about it. I swear."

"Thank you," Derek said with a sigh, "You were awesome, but, thank you."

Spencer looked up with a quiet smirk, "I was?"

Derek growled, "I'm not talking about this with you."

Spencer grinned teasingly, "I don't know how you're more uncomfortable with your sex life than I am. Aren't you usually bragging around about the stuff you and your lady friends get up to? When it comes to the things you and I do, you're a lot less prideful. Is it because you're engaging in sexual actions with a man and feel some type of regret?"

"I don't regret you, Spencer! I never could! But this… you and I… it's just… different." Derek added, "Plus, I have a rep with the bitches, dude, you don't get that by keeping quiet."

"Is it because you don't have anyone to brag to?" Spencer asked.

Derek replied with a brash scoff, "No. I don't need to brag about this to feel good about it… this is just different. I don't know why! I'm just uncomfortable talking about it because it's you, Spencer."

Spencer flexed his fingertips on his legs and asked, "You're uncomfortable with me?"

"No! I'm not! It's just you! Around you, I just… get embarrassed about sex, okay? Damn!" Derek said sharply, taking a quick turn and speeding up a little bit.

"You're driving a little fast there, Derek."

Derek hissed, "I've got it!"

"Whatever you say," Spencer pushed his head quickly back into his knees, "God, I can't believe we were so loud that the neighbors heard us… it must have been wild."

Derek muttered, "Okay, so we got one broom stick on the ceiling. That doesn't mean we were working the goddamned Kama Sutra up there, Spence."

Spencer said quickly, "I'll seriously shut up this time. Honest."

"Thank God, because I think I'm actually blushing, and Derek Morgan does not blush," Derek growled with a hiss on the end as he slowed the car back down to the speed limit, "I don't know what the fuck you're doing to me, Spencer, but whatever it is, I'm too old for it."

Spencer scrunched up his face, "Garcia said it's love."

"She told me that five years ago, and I gotta tell you, I'm starting to believe her," Derek said.

Spencer's head popped out of his lap, "Whoa. Did you just admit to being in love with me?"

Derek growled, "I didn't say that."

Spencer bit his lip and placed his chin on top of his knees with a knowing smile, "Okay."

"Wait, wait, does that mean you're in love with me?"

Spencer smirked, "Didn't say that."

Derek handed over the popcorn as something large blew up on the giant screen. Truth be told, they were doing less cuddling, and more gasping and marveling at the explosions. While Spencer usually prefers foreign movies, and old films, he really liked this "Avengers" thing. There was a lot of action, and movement, but the plot was quite fun to follow. It reminded him loosely of his team; a bunch of superheroes coming together to fight off one big monster. JJ would be Agent Coulson, because her smile and elegance can mask how easily she fully controls a room. Gideon would be Captain America, because of his leadership, classicism, and skills in combat. Rossi would be Iron Man, since he has as many friends as enemies and enough ex-wives to say that his heart may not still beat. Hotch would be Hawkeye, because of his ability to isolate any issue and fire straight through the heart of the problem. Prentiss would be the Black Widow, since her talent is hidden by beauty and numbers. And Derek, he was the Hulk. Strong and capable, he can split doors and charm women, but still be gentle and wise enough to comfort a family while getting all of the information he needs to help them.

Chuckling, Derek turned to Spencer and whispered, "Fuck, Marry, Kill. Iron Man, Captain America, Hawkeye. Go."

Spencer let out a smile and whispered back, "No way. I can't choose."

"Please do this. I really want to know," Derek grinned.

Spencer said with a smile, "Fuck Hawkeye because I like the way his pants fit. Marry Captain America because he's got the biggest heart and, let's be honest, the biggest dick. Kill Iron Man because he's a conceited jerk."

Derek shook his head with a hand over his mouth to hide his shock at Spencer's answer, "First off, you're a fucking perv."

Spencer grinned as a reply.

"Secondly," Derek continued, "You've got to be kidding me. Fuck Captain America, marry Iron Man, kill Hawkeye."

"Why would you kill Hawkeye? He's gorgeous," Spencer said with a loud brash.

Derek snickered, "Jeremy Renner just doesn't do it for me. I don't know why—"

"SHH!" a woman hissed from behind us and the stern faced man beside her held onto her hand, staring back at the two men in contempt. There was no doubt that they had overheard their conversation.

Derek leaned closer and whispered, "What do you think she would do if I pulled out my gun on her?"

Spencer stifled a laugh and placed his hand reassuringly over Derek's, "I don't know. Want to find out?"

Derek chuckled and leaned back in his seat, "Boy, you're crazy."

Spencer looked back toward the screen and noticed as Derek tightened his grip on Spencer's hand after a moment. The Avengers were going after Loki on the street and shared confrontation and cruel words and by God did Derek smell good. It's like he used even more of that soap and sprayed on an extra dash of that expensive cologne. Spencer tried to focus on the movie, but with Derek's warm hand on his and the enticing smell of him luring him in like catnip, his train of thought was a couple of miles away up his apartment stairs and in his bed. God, he can't stop thinking about sex. Why not? This is so aggravating! Spencer cleared his throat and shifted in his seat, praying that his boyfriend had no clue what he was thinking about while he kept his eyes trained on the screen. Derek in the shower. Derek stretched out on his bed. Derek naked, licking hot trails down his body. Shit! Come on, mind! He's trying to watch a movie! Derek on top of him. Derek stroking him. Derek pounding him into completion. Suddenly, Derek broke his dirty mantra with a quick, "Whoa! He's hulking out! Fucking badass, man! Look!"

Spencer looked.

T'was badass.

He sighed and tried to keep his mind straight. Derek's going to want to talk about the movie at some point in the car, and it would be really beneficial if he had actually seen it. The Hulk was smashing things as he does sometimes, he was going after something Spencer forgot to look at, so he hopes Derek speaks about it sometime later so they actually have something to talk about.

As he was trying to figure out what was going on in the movie, he felt Derek's fingers shift to thread through his. Spencer glanced over at Derek whose face was just as clear and unperturbed. He raised an eyebrow and looked down at their hands. His were so much smaller. They were pale with long, soft fingers meant for flipping pages and typing papers. Derek's were larger and darker. His skin was a bit tougher as he'd played football and contact sports all through his adolescent life. Even after that, he practiced combat techniques and trained all through college for the FBI job. Together, even though so different, their hands seemed to fit perfectly like a puzzle piece. The spaces of his fingers felt like they were meant for Derek's.

Derek glanced over at Spencer and asked, "Everything alright?"

"Everything's perfect," Spencer replied, tightening his grip on Derek's hands.

"Then watch the movie, Pretty Boy." Derek let out a grin and pressed a kiss to Spencer's hair, "Nice pants by the way."

Spencer glanced down at his slacks to see the slightly obvious outline of his hard on pressing against his zipper. Awesome. Derek saw it. After smacking him on the arm, Spencer turned to the screen blushing profusely. Oh, great. More violence. He grinned as he knew that Derek was enjoying every single second of the movie. Spencer was enjoying it too, but not for the same reasons. It paralleled his life in a crime fighting, defeating evil sort of way. It was nice to see someone else take the hits sometimes. Derek just liked the explosions and the blow up scenes.

Derek turned, "I bet you're thinking about how intellectually stimulating this movie is."

Spencer laughed loudly, "Fuck you, Derek."

"You wish." Derek replied.

"I do." Spencer smirked.

Derek raised his eyebrows, "Word?"

Spencer's cheeks flushed and he nodded, looking away, "So what?"

Derek gave Spencer a cocky smile and replied, "Well, you know. If you get impatient, my car is right outside. We can take care of that right quick."

Spencer ran his hand down Derek's chest and whispered into his ear, "Bring it."

"Consider it brought, baby boy." Derek said back with a husky growl, letting his hand drop from Spencer's and land on his thigh.

The lady behind them shushed the two agents and they turned at the same time. She leaned closer to Derek and growled, "Quiet!". The man beside her, her husband seemingly, pressed a hand to her upper back, "We just want to watch a movie in peace if you don't mind. We didn't come here to be constantly interrupted by two fags."

Spencer felt Derek's hand clench on his leg at the sound of his cruel terminology and spoke for him and his currently boiling boyfriend, "Technically, you aren't being interrupted by neither a cigarette nor pile of burning sticks. Or are you two homophobic to know better?"

"You two aren't fooling anybody," the man said with a snarl, "I don't know what you think you're doing, holding hands and pretending that you're a real couple."

Spencer replied sharply, "Are you implying that we're not in a relationship? Because last time I checked, we were two consenting adults, and what we do in our free time is in no way your business to judge."

The man scoffed, "You're mimicking heterosexual relations and turning them into perverse, obstinate—"

Spencer placed a hand on Derek's chest before he flew over the seat and tore this man a new one and pulled his badge out of his pocket, flashing it. When in doubt, remind the aggressor that you are higher up in the chain of command than he is. This guy's too much of a bitch to tattle. Spencer said calmly, "If you truly have a problem, would you like to take it to our team leader and fill out a formal complaint, because I'm sure he would love to hear your argument."

"There's no way they let fags like you become feds," the man grimaced.

Derek pulled out his matching badge, "You're damn right, they do. And we're legally bound to have a weapon on us at all times. If I shoot you, it's your own fault."

The man rolled his eyes, "Another black man with a gun. Shocking."

Derek turned to Spencer with fire in his eyes, "Can I kill him?"

Spencer sighed, "No matter how much I want to say yes, it's immoral and you'd just prove his false, racist point."

Derek hissed, folding his arms and turning back into his seat, "Immoral my ass."

"If anything is immoral, it's you two," the man replied quickly, "It comforts me to know you're going to Hell."

Spencer rolled his eyes and turned back in his seat, ignoring the man's jeers as he continued, his wife joining in with the whispered cat calls. Looking over at Derek, Spencer whispered into his ear, "Wanna piss them off?" Derek gave him a look and nodded. Spencer grinned and leaned forward, whispering before their lips collided, "Kiss me. Make a big show of it, too." Derek obliged, running his hands down Spencer's back and letting his tongue pass the span of Spencer's mouth. Spencer gleefully returned it, pulling Derek closer with two hands tugging on his shirt. The couple behind them made a disgusted noise and before long, left the theatre, mumbling something about the Bible and God having mercy on their souls. Derek and Spencer broke their kiss with a quiet laugh. Derek raised a palm and Spencer slapped it, "Fuck racist homophobes."

Derek began to smile and wrapped an arm around Spencer, letting him lean into his embrace before watching the remainder of the movie. Spencer long stopped paying attention to it. He let out a smile and watched the screen, feeling warm and comforted by Derek's arms around him. He didn't receive much of the plot, but the explosions sure were kickass.

Spencer and Derek tumbled through Spencer's front door lips connected, losing clothes as they walked. Derek yanked free Spencer's tie and tossed it behind him as Spencer ripped Derek's belt out of the loops, throwing it over the arm if the couch. They stepped out of shoes and licked into each other's mouths, stumbling through the shallow hallway on the way to Spencer's room. Spencer grabbed Derek's shirt and pitched it into the hall, rubbing his hands up his chest while Derek pulled the buttons off of Spencer's. Their torsos were bare as Derek hauled Spencer's legs around his waist and shoved him into the wall, kissing him harder than he ever had. While it should have been awkward due to Spencer's slight height advantage, it felt perfect. As their chests collided, Derek let out a shallow groan, shoving one of his hands into Spencer's short cropped hair and pulling. Spencer whimpered out a tiny, "Yes," of encouragement as Derek ran his lips down Spencer's neck and tightened his legs around Derek's waist.

The two were impossibly close and wrapped up into each other, giving the wall a run for its money. Derek hauled the two into Spencer's room and pressed Spencer to the bed, climbing over top of him and giving him a chance to smile broadly before leaning down and kissing the smirk off of his face. The two pulled closer and closer together, Spencer's pants sliding down his hips and his lips reattaching with Derek's, moaning loudly as their bodies pressed together.

The headboard thumped against the wall as Spencer pushed Derek off of him and climbed on top, taking control of the situation. He had enough time to think, his downstairs brain was running the show now, and Spencer decided he liked it. Spencer buried his face into Derek's neck, hands rubbing along Derek's arms as he teased out small bruises along his chest. Derek made a muffled sound that seemed like a cross between a moan and a scoff. Spencer popped his head up and asked, "Did I hurt you?"

"As if," Derek chuckled, grabbing his boyfriend and pushing him to the bed before climbing on top of him and causing another thump of the headboard against the wall.

"Ooh," Spencer let out a loud hiss and laughed, "Somebody's been eating his Wheaties, huh?"

Derek laughed, running his hand down the side of Spencer's face, "What did I do to deserve you?"

Spencer shrugged, "Something horrible, probably. Now hurry up before I change my mind."

Derek mussed Spencer's hair, "Seriously, man. I really like you. Thanks for giving me a chance."

Spencer mumbled under Derek's body, "That chance will be gone if you don't get on with it…"

Derek let out a chuckle and pressed their bodies close together, linking the two in a soft kiss before shoving his hand into Spencer's boxers to find him already hard and dripping with need. Spencer let out a groan and Derek pulled a few teasing strokes along his length, "Damn, boy. It's only been like three minutes."

"It's not my fault you're forty two," Spencer teased, gripping at Derek's jeans, "Lagging behind a little, I see."

Derek hid his face in Spencer's neck, "Fuck you."

"It would be nice if you did," Spencer nodded quickly, "Come on. Lube, condoms, bedside table."

"I thought you were a virgin," Derek raised an eyebrow, "You use those?"

Spencer winked, "The lube, not the condoms."

"Wait, do you mean…" Derek gave Spencer a sly smile.

Spencer felt his face flush, "So what? I... experiment. Hurry up."

"God fucking dammit, you're killing me, Spence," Derek breathed and pulled what he needed out of the drawer, sliding his hand down Spencer's body. He kissed down Spencer's neck and chest and licked a firm line down his stomach before looking up at Spencer and giving him sharp eye contact. Derek ran his tongue down into Spencer's waistband before pulling them away gently, kissing Spencer's hipbones with soft caresses from his hands guiding down his back. Derek rubbed his face along Spencer's soft stomach and breathed hard as he licked his tongue into the dip in Spencer's navel. Spencer sighed and his hand found the soft spot behind Derek's head, guiding him as he scattered Spencer's hips with kisses and littered love along his waist. He could probably get off on that alone. Just that thought of Derek being so close to him, kissing him, touching him, loving him was bringing him so much relief. Spencer was too close to be where he was with Derek, he knew that, but he wanted this to last. Derek deepened the open mouthed kisses he dragged along Spencer's inner thighs and Spencer keened that he liked it, arching his back into Derek. It felt so good, so hot, so pure and—BEEP, BEEP, BEEP! BEEP, BEEP, BEEP! BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!

Derek pulled his head out of Spencer's lap hastily.

Spencer yelled, "Mother fucker!"

Derek asked, "What the hell is that?"

"The fire alarm," Spencer groaned, tossing his head back into the pillow, "Fuck, fuck, shit, fuck!"

"What do you mean it's the fire alarm?" Derek hissed.

"I live in a building with over sixty other people, one of them must have triggered it," Spencer sighed, "Remind me to live alone."

"Spencer..."

Spencer complained, "I mean, come on. My virginity was right there for you on a silver platter, baked, broiled and ready to go!"

Derek stood up, "We have to get out of here, Spencer. You can bitch, moan, and complain outside when you're safe, let's move!"

Spencer shifted out of bed, walking to his drawer and tugging on sweatpants and a tee shirt as Derek fumbled around for his clothes, running out of the room. God, that guy was such a freaking boy scout sometimes. He couldn't show some damned disappointment for crying out loud! I mean, come on, they were about to have sex!

Spencer dragged his arms into a heavy jacket and pushed slippers onto his feet, walking into the hallway to be grabbed by a shirtless Derek, "Hurry up, Spencer! There's a fire!" Derek scooped him up, tossed him over his shoulder and carried him through the apartment complex, running down the hallways and stairs with a complaining Spencer in his arms until they breeched the outside. That was all it took for Spencer to damn near lose his mind with anger. It was freezing, but Derek didn't seem to care. He walked out into the cold with Spencer halfway over his bare shoulders, a sidewalk full of residents whom stared shamelessly at the sight. Spencer hissed, "Come on, man, you don't have to hoist me all the way out of—"

"There's a fire! I protected you! End of story!" Derek argued.

"But did you have to carry me over your shoulder like a fucking freshly killed caribou!" Spencer bitched loudly, "I have legs, Derek, stop treating me like a child! I can walk! People are staring!"

Something vibrated in his coat pocket and he pulled out his cell phone as Derek carried him down the sidewalk to find a cleared section for them to stand 'approximately forty five feet away from the entrance'. "I'll yell at you some more when I get off of the phone," Spencer opened his cell and hissed into it, "Fucking hell, what could you possibly want?"

Garcia's voice came through the phone, "Your apartment was just tagged under an emergency call! Are you okay?"

Spencer muttered into the phone with toneless annoyance, "Yeah, it's just a fire alarm, probably triggered by an old lady burning cookies. But not to worry! I'm rescued and outside, thank fucking God."

"Just wanted to make sure my Junior G-man was okay. Am I asking too much?"

"No, you're not, Garcia," Spencer said with a sigh, "I'm just beyond pissed that Derek felt like he had to carry me like a shot sheep out of the building over his shoulder so, I should be fine."

Garcia chuckled, "No, he didn't."

Spencer glared down at Derek, "Yes, he did."

Garcia flat out began to laugh, "Oh, God. Can I speak with him?"

Spencer said with a growl, "His hands are kind of occupied, since he's bucking me around like a goddamn bale of hay."

"He's still hauling you?" Garcia guffawed, "Either he takes his job too seriously, or you've got one devoted boy toy."

Spencer sighed, "Either way, I'm fucked sideways, aren't I?"

Derek gently let Spencer down, "Let me talk to Garcia, please?"

"He wants to talk to you," Spencer warned, "Gird your loins."

"Spencer, you are downright hilarious when you're upset. It's like talking to a drenched kitten or something," she giggled, "It is so hard to take you seriously and here you are swearing like a trucker. Ha ha!"

Spencer growled, "I'm not a kitten," before handing the phone over to Derek.

Instantly, Derek began to speak, "Hey, baby girl, I'm seeing light smoke coming out of a room on the fifth floor, the window is open, and it isn't much. It shouldn't be a threat to Spencer, but just in case, I'm taking him to my place to sleep for the night. There is no way he's dying from smoke inhalation tonight."

"When the fuck did we agree on this?" Spencer argued, "I can't die from smoke inhalation if I live two floors down and across the hall from a minor fucking kitchen fire!"

Derek said sharply, "I said so and that's final!"

Derek listened as Garcia said something and tried to get a word in. It sounded like she was yelling at him. Loudly. Derek's face grew timid and considering as he pulled the phone away from his ear, "Fine! I will…..…. yes, Garcia. I will….. thanks, baby girl. I gotcha. Goodbye."

Spencer folded his arms, waiting for Derek to speak as he grumbled, "… Garcia says to listen to you and ask your opinion more often because that's the key to a successful relationship. And apparently I'm a dick."

"I can't believe you didn't know you're a dick," Spencer grimaced.

Derek replied, "I can't believe we're already fighting."

"I can't believe we aren't having hot, borderline illegal sex right now," Spencer sighed sadly.

Derek replied, "I can't believe it either, but just so we're all clear, this doesn't change the way I feel about you at all. I want you to be safe and secure no matter what. Spencer, I would jump in front of a car to push you away from it, you know that, right? Whatever it takes, I'll do."

Spencer chuckled, "You're getting into 'Grenade' territory there, Derek."

"Do you mean that God awful Bruno Mars song?" Derek asked.

"Yeah," Spencer laughed.

Derek tugged Spencer close to him and held him in his arms, "Fuck you, man. First time I talk about my feelings you compare me to that Team Jacob looking son of a bitch who sings about death and love in the same sentence."

"He has a nice voice though, doesn't he?" Spencer replied with a shrug.

"No. Bruno Mars? Never."

A/N: I hope you liked the double, bubble. XD See ya next week with another installment!

-Blue Lollipops