Chapter Twenty One: 4:25

A/N: Just an FYI to everyone: this isn't just a story to me, this is a coping mechanism. A lot of these stories on this website are. So, don't take these lightly either. Each story is an individual work of art for each writer, and they really bear their souls on this website.

This chapter is dedicated to all of the writers on this website. I appreciate the shit out of you.

-Blueberry Pimp Handles His Business.

There was little time wasted in unnecessary words and gestures between the two over the weeks. Time has passed like it hadn't before. It was even worse now. Before Quantico, after Vegas. Before Massachusetts, after Philadelphia. Before New Year's, after that fateful Friday. There was a silence in their souls like never before. Spencer nearly felt dead inside by the end of it all. To have everything that ever made full and complete sense to him, smashed to the ground for weeks, well. That changes a person. So, Spencer stayed quiet about it. He didn't tell Jay about it. He didn't tell Garcia. Hell, he didn't even tell Hotch, since the gravely man felt that staring him down would reveal the secrets of every fiber of his being. That guy didn't get a free pass for shit. He was disqualified from the National Informational Bank of Spencer because he openly profiled him. No thank you, Spencer didn't hate anything more than other people poking their nose in his business.

So he danced. He lost himself in the music of his mind. Shallow numbers and barely fulfilling equations serving as the shoes he wore to travel across the dance floor of an unsub's web of lies, deceit, and innocent bloodshed. It helped for a while, it did, to become that high functioning robot he was before Denver—before he opened his eyes and saw the clearest vision of everything he wanted in life. Before he fell for Derek. Of course, there wasn't much else for him to do, but pine like a pre-teen girl, but at last he felt! There was something to look forward to, something to think about, something to love that wasn't himself, his mother, or his job. For once, he had a hope and a dream. Every day, he could look forward to seeing Derek walk by his desk, throwing paper at the back of his head, rumpling up his hair, and challenging his wit even though he knows he will forever fall a bit behind. Every day, he knew Derek would never love him back. God, how that stung—how that fucking hurt! To think about someone and love someone more than yourself and to know that they will never, ever feel the same way.

He never thought he'd feel pain more blistering that that. At least, he didn't until Derek ripped his heart out of his chest and pulled it apart piece by piece until it was a useless jumble of angry, pulsing veins and ventricles. He had to look at Derek every day and see the man he'd fallen in love with avoid his eyes. He had to live with the fact that someone he had given his whole being to… didn't want to be in love with him anymore. I don't think you get it, guys. Fuck. He had completely shifted his way of life to fit their relationship! He shifted his way of life and was so, very undeniably happy! What were his daily plans now?! What was his morning routing?! What was his nightly excursion when he was used to spending every morning getting dressed carefully, making sure he would catch Derek's eye and make him say that silly "Damn, boy. You is lookin' furne" phrase that Spencer still can't find meaning in, every day causing Derek anguish by sending him flirty texts and dragging him down to the third floor, every night getting a phone call just because Derek wanted to hear his voice before he went to sleep.

Now, there's nothing.

Every day, he wakes up late. He gets dressed sloppily, barely even considering his hair. He spends the day drowned in his work, forgetting eye contact with the others when all he's immersed in is the cases, and what could be done to propel their progress. Every night, he stares at the ceiling, trying to sleep while clutching onto the pillow at his side that still smelled like soap and Dior. There was nothing to look forward to. There was nothing to keep him from forgetting his manners. There was nothing to nothing. If that sentence makes sense. Eh. Spencer doesn't care anymore. Fuck grammar.

Days were getting longer, time was passing slower. Derek. Spencer needed him. The pain never seemed to ebb, he never stopped longing. Not for one second.

Spencer sighed. That's what he felt like his life was now. One big sigh.

Fuck.

Does anything even make sense anymore?

That's it. He's sick of it. He's sick of waiting for this to all go away. He's going to fight. Hard. If he goes down in a hail of bullets, at least he can say he tried.

Spencer straightened his tie and knocked on the Derek's front door. Three weeks have passed and he's been introduced to the new system of working for the Reflexive Help Unit. Spencer's been of use on a case, was allowed field work just like before and even disarmed someone in New Mexico on their last excursion. All through that, Derek's been giving him the silent treatment. It was cold, emotionless, and most of all obvious. It's gotten to the point where Derek has made haste moves to ignore and (in all ways he can) shaft Spencer any attention he usually would have paid him. Even Rossi was worried and that's saying something.

About thirty seconds after the patient knock, a colorful Garcia answered it. She looked prepared to give a speech, but stopped short, glancing behind her and closing the door behind her after stepping outside. Garcia hissed quietly, "What are you doing here?! Morgan's a fucking wreck right now!"

Spencer sighed, "Yeah, I know. Me too. That's why I'm here. I thought maybe we could—"

Garcia flung her hands out to cover his mouth, "Hush quiet!"

Spencer's eyes widened and he nodded.

Garcia removed her hands and sighed, "He can't even hear your name right now before getting all… you know, as emotional as a Bruce Banner can get before he turns into the Hulk."

Spencer's face fell, "Shit. This is all my fault."

Garcia paused, "…no, I'm pretty sure it's his. From what he says, he was a jerk to you because he was upset about his mom and decided to break up with you because he thought that would fix it. He's fully earned his title as Idiot of the Year in my books, so don't worry."

Spencer pursed his lips and looked down at his full arms, "Well, let him know that I don't think he's an idiot, and I'm willing to take him back. We've been through too much to just end it now. Tell him to please, please consider it, because… I'm still in love with him, and I'll wait for him as long as he needs it, I… I've never felt this way about anyone before and I don't want to lose what we have. It's so precious to me, I can't let it go; at least, not without a fight. And I'm planning to go down swinging and kicking ass, guns blazing."

Garcia pressed a hand to her heart and squeaked out, "Can I keep you? Can I put you in my pocket and just…"

"Garcia, here," Spencer replied, handing her the card over the bulging bushel of white roses he'd gotten for Derek, "Make sure he gets this. And don't forget the part about 'I love you', he really likes it when I say that, and I don't do it enough."

She took the card and grinned, "Of course. Love the suit by the way. Very Cary Grant."

Spencer glanced down at his suit and smirked, "I was going for more of a Humphrey Bogart type deal."

Garcia winked, "Don't I know it. I'll give this to him."

Spencer nodded, watching her open the door and walk back into it only to come nose-to-nose to an eavesdropping Derek. He stood, shoulders slumped with a white tank top clinging to his defined torso, his hips sheathed in thick sweatpants. His eyebrows were furrowed, and he had obviously heard enough of what they were saying. Spencer spoke softly, "Derek, I…"

Derek stared back silently, his eyes haunted as he said back, "… I'm sorry, but I can't."

Garcia stood between the two, with a conflicted look on her face. Spencer wasn't sure if she wanted to help, or just walk away and let them deal with it themselves. It had meant more to him than ever that she was there, but it was obvious she was torn. Derek raised a hand and shooed her away, she ducked back into the house quickly. Spencer stared back at him as the open door hung between them like miles of land. "I think it's best if you go." Derek said plainly. Spencer could feel his heart breaking. He didn't reply, he just watched. Derek couldn't have said that. After all they've been through, Derek couldn't have shot him down as he stood there brandishing roses and spilling his heart out to him in a fucking suit.

Derek growled at him, "Spencer, please. Don't make me feel like the bad guy."

Spencer stayed there. Frozen.

Derek opened his eyes and seeing Spencer still standing there, hissed, "You know what? It's not fucking fair. You're going to just stand there looking all sad with your big, stupid eyes with the tears in them and the little suit that's beyond adorable and—God, I hate you." Before Spencer could ask what that meant, he was enveloped in those strong, warm arms. Derek whispered, "I'm sorry. I just… I don't want to do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. It's silly, we are. We have nothing in common, we argue all the time, we can barely even look at each other without wanting to take it to the sheets, I could really go on and on. Just… let me go."

"I don't want to," Spencer breathed into Derek's warm chest. His skin still smelled the same. His arms still felt like home. He wasn't ready to leave yet.

Derek sighed, "We're losing everything that we were. We're not even the same people anymore. Look at you—"

Spencer replied, rubbing his face against Derek's neck, "I'm happy. With you."

Derek tried to begin again, "Spencer…"

Spencer pressed a shy kiss to Derek's neck, "My bed still smells like you. It's the only way I get to sleep at night when you're not holding me."

Derek's arms tightened around Spencer, "You're making this so hard…"

Spencer added a second warm kiss below Derek's ear, "I tried to make dinner last night and burnt the rice because I was thinking about how you used to wrap your arms around me and kiss my neck when I cooked."

Derek pleaded, "Spencer…"

Spencer's cheek collided with Derek's as he laughed reverently, "Then, I overcooked the broccoli remembering how your laugh sounded every time I burned something."

Derek began to chuckle, as he whispered, "You're a terrible cook."

Spencer snickered, bringing his face around so that he could look Derek in the eyes, "I'm so bad, it's a sin."

Derek shook his head with a smile. Spencer asked, "Remember this?" as he brought his lips to meet Derek's slowly and lovingly in a tender kiss. Derek brought his hand to Spencer's chest, pulling him away softly, "I can't."

Spencer asked, running his hand up Derek's arm, "You can't what?"

Derek sighed, "I can't kiss you."

Spencer's fingers danced around Derek's shoulders before pulling him close, "Why? Because you'll remember how good it feels to be with me?"

Derek grimaced, "No, I already know how good it feels. Too good to be true, actually, since it took disownment to figure that all out."

"Technically, you weren't disowned, your mother just needed distance. Statistical chances are she'll call back before the month is out," Spencer cocked his head to the side and furrowed his eyebrows innocently because he knows how much Derek likes it. The last time he did that, Derek shoved him into the backseat of his Jeep and fucked him so hard that he climaxed in under three minutes.

Derek shifted uncomfortably on the stoop. The face was working. He murmured, "You don't know that for sure. A statistic is just that. A statistic. One in a million just means to me that I could be that one."

Spencer replied, "But you don't want to believe that. Do you?"

Derek sighed and looked into Spencer's eyes, "Of course not."

Spencer took Derek's hand, "Then, how about… we get back together—""

"Spencer—""

"Ah," Spencer stopped him, "Did I say I was finished?"

"…no."

Spencer smiled, "How about, we stay together until you hear from your mom, then you can make your decision."

Derek paused, "…why would I do that?"

"Because, you're jumping the shark already saying that your mom doesn't love you because of us. She hasn't even seen us! She doesn't even know how we are when we're together! Maybe all she needs to see is her son. Happy."

Derek's face broke out in a smile, "Fuck, I hate it when you're right."

Spencer grinned, "Say it. Come on, we agreed on this. Whenever I smack some sense into you, you have to say it."

Derek sighed and quoted monotonously, "Spencer knows everything, and I shouldn't question him because he's brilliant and has a nice ass."

Spencer nodded, "There we go."

Derek growled, "I haven't yet figured out if you are a blessing or a curse. You know way too much for your own good, but goddamn that ass is astounding."

Spencer wrapped his arms around Derek's shoulders, "A wise man once told me he could bounce a nickel off of it."

Derek raised his eyebrows, fitting his hands on Spencer's waist, "And who was that ballsy motherfucker?"

Spencer chuckled, "You."

Derek smiled, "You're more than that, I'll have you know. And after this whole week of brooding, I finally pinpointed the moment you stopped my heart."

Spencer asked, "When was that?"

Derek replied, "The day you failed your gun test and walked in pouting like a little kid. All I wanted to do was kiss that little scowl off of your face, and I was mortified at myself. I mean, come on, you were so young, Spencer. You were practically a kid! I felt like one of those pervy guys who parks outside of a playground every time I looked at you."

Spencer exclaimed, "I was hardly a kid! I was twenty four!"

"But you just seemed so cute, and innocent, and… it turned me on, okay? So, I went over to you and… pulled your metaphorical pigtails by giving you that whistle," Derek explained, and added after a pause, "And I admit to wanting to see your lips wrapped around it when you blew on it, and that solidified my status as a certified creeper."

Spencer gasped, "No way. I thought you were making fun of me by calling me helpless and giving me a rape whistle."

Derek replied, "It was more of a double entendre. Sure, I was poking fun at you, but…I realized I wanted you to do something that wasn't work related, and I acted on it. So…I decided that to be the day I admitted to myself that I had a crush on you. Then, of course, I know four years ago when you almost died that I fell in love with you. Remember? When you were in the hospital and I ate all of your Jello, because I wanted to see your scrunchy face when you realized there was none."

"First of all, fuck you. You know how much I like jello," Spencer smacked Derek's arm playfully, "Secondly, douche, psychological studies show that a crush held for more than three to four months automatically matures to love. You were in love with me years before you told yourself so."

Derek paused, "Really?"

Spencer nodded.

Derek replied, "I hate it when science is smarter than I am."

Spencer grinned, "But it's okay because I'm smarter than you too."

Derek chuckled and shook his head, "Yeah, you are. God help me for getting a boyfriend who was always two steps ahead of me."

Spencer laughed, "Try nine."

Derek pushed his hand over Spencer's face, "Boy, bye."

Spencer paused and muffled under Derek's hand, "Did I hear you say 'boyfriend'?"

Derek pulled his hand away, "…yeah."

Spencer asked hopefully, "So, we're back together?"

Derek nodded, "Yeah."

Spencer jumped with glee, "Yes!"

Derek laughed as Spencer wriggled happily in his arms and leaned forward to close his lips in a kiss that was meant to be chaste, but in sight of the good news, it grew into more. Spencer's hand cradled the back of Derek's head as their embrace tightened and then loosened with laughter as Derek dipped him low and kissed his nose softly. Spencer cackled, "Hey! Let me up!"

Derek laughed, "Never!" but pulled him up anyway.

Spencer's arms fitted around Derek's neck and he smiled, "I missed you."

"I missed you too," Derek replied.

The next day, Spencer walked into work with a great weight off of his shoulders. He felt so relieved that he almost strode right up to his old desk that sat across from Derek's, forgetting for a moment that he now sits with the adjuncts and hopefuls. He headed to the back of the bustling area and found a piping hot cup of coffee on his desk that he hadn't seen in over a week. Grinning at the sight of his treat, he grabbed the cup and glanced across the room at Derek whom was sitting backwards in his chair and sent a wink his way. Derek acted surprised and mouthed the words, "For me?" Spencer chuckled quietly and rolled his eyes. Derek blew him a kiss and held up four fingers, then two, then all five. Spencer nodded back. The blown kiss was a metaphor for 'meet me at the usual spot' and the finger raising meant to spell out the time. 4:25.

Spencer blushed. Wow. Third floor bathroom already, wow. They seemed to be going pretty quickly. Maybe too quickly? He didn't know. He spent the entirety of the time sending worried texts to JJ and having them sent back with a loving "go get 'em, Tiger" every time. She approved so much of the continuation of their relationship just as much as Spencer did, so he decided to just pretend to act as if their three week rift didn't occur.

Huh, that's strange. Spencer seems to have forgotten how to be happy. He feels like a traumatized cat that needs to be taught how to play. I mean, don't get him wrong, he's happy that Derek doesn't want him dead anymore, but everything still sucks. It just sucks just a little bit less. Spencer trusted this dude with everything, and to know that he has the power to rip it all away from him and leave him begging, feeling nothing but desperation… to know that he used that power… damn. He doesn't even know what to think anymore. So, Spencer met him in the bathroom. They let out all the pent up rage and anger and disappointment they felt toward each other until it melted back into what they were.

Derek was like a pair of old shoes.

He was used to having him around, they had a decent relationship, and their friendship was stronger than silvered metal alloid. Spencer couldn't find it in him to forget how to fall back into step with it all. He remembered the relationship and all they used to do, but was it too late? Was everything somehow different now? Spencer pushed Derek to the other side of the cramped stall and asked, "Do you think you messed us up?"

Derek asked, "How do you mean?"

Spencer scratched at his rumpled haired head, "Well, everything used to be simple, and now, it isn't."

"Maybe you're overthinking it," Derek suggested, folding his arms pointedly.

Spencer tapped his finger to his chin, "I don't think so. I mean… I feel like I'm forcing this. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy we're together, but I'm somehow not as happy as I used to be."

Derek shrugged, "Why do you think that is?"

Spencer replied simply, "Because you ripped out my heart and fed it to your dog."

Derek paused, "Yeah… I did kind of did do that. I'm sorry, Spence, I was just out of whack. Man, you've got to understand, my mother wanted nothing to do with me, okay? She's been the biggest constant smile in my life. She's proud of me. She was anyway. Now, I'm just her disappointment. She regrets me. I think I needed a minute to step back and reconsider."

Spencer sighed, "I tried to step back and reconsider, and you ripped me a new one. Remember that? When you tried to get me to top you and I flipped a shit and we started yelling? I didn't break up with you then! Sure, I was confused and hurt, but I didn't—"

Derek hissed back, "Man, my life's been a roller coaster since this. We were together, but no one could know. Then, we started getting physical, but then we had communication problems. We were in love, then, my mother pushed me into depression. I don't even know what's up or down anymore, and for a moment, it all seemed down. But, then you showed up and reminded me how happy I was with you, man, how happy I am with you. You reminded me how every moment I spend with you is a gift, and I was throwing it away. So, I took it back. Never regret for a minute I didn't love you—"

"But, you said you didn't!" Spencer whipped back, "And it felt like you slapped me!"

Derek grabbed Spencer's hands, "I said that because I'm an idiot! Spencer, I love you! I never stopped! I just wanted a clear head, man, I wanted this all to stop! I'm sorry I hurt you, and if there's any way to take it back, I would find it—"

Spencer hung his head, "No. It's made us stronger somehow. We needed something to tell us that it wouldn't all be sunshine and butterflies, and sometimes we were going to hurt each other. But, if we love each other enough, we'll pull through."

Derek held him close, and breathed into Spencer's tangled hair, "I didn't ever want to be the one to hurt you."

Spencer grabbed onto the back of Derek's shirt as if he never wanted to let go, "Well, deal with it because you did. I forgive you, Derek. I just want you to know that there's a scar on our relationship that needs time to heal. We can't just hop into this and expect it to be like before."

Derek whispered, "I know."

Spencer sighed, "Wow, Honey Bee, we really know how to fuck shit up."

Derek stifled a laugh, "You've always had such a way with words, Spence."

Spencer shrugged, quoting Shabba, "They call me the lyrical gangster."

Derek pleaded, "No. No, please. Don't start rapping. For the good of all humanity, don't start rapping."

Spencer replied, "You're missing out. JJ says I've got skills."

As soon as the door opened, Clooney barreled Spencer down. Spencer struggled under the dog's large, furry head and probing snout. Clooney yipped and licked and barked and Spencer gasped out, "Code Red! Code Red!"

"What? He missed you," Derek laughed and patted Clooney's head, walking into the house and leaving Spencer to struggle, "Good boy. Get behind the ears, he usually doesn't wash there."

The dog keened again, jumping off of Spencer's lap and went to follow Derek into the living room. Wiping dog slobber and fur off of his face, Spencer stood up and closed the door, storming into the room, "You're goddamn dog, Derek, I swear to—" Derek silenced him with a quiet, calm, press of lips to his and before long they were tangled up on the couch.

Derek paused, "You taste like bacon bits, and I'm not sure how I feel about that."

Spencer lay on top of Derek and unbuttoned his boyfriend's shirt, "You're going to have to make up your mind pretty soon, because I've spent three weeks with nothing but my hand."

Derek wiggled his eyebrows, "You touch yourself?"

Spencer scoffed, "You don't?"

"Point taken," Derek chuckled as Spencer pulled his shirt off of his chest and began peppering kisses along the side of his neck, "Did you think about me when you did it?"

Spencer mumbled against Derek's collarbone, "Yeah, I did. I pressed my face into that pillow on your side of the bed, you know, the one that smells like you..."

Derek nodded wistfully, "Uh huh..."

Spencer pressed a light kiss to the base of his throat, "And I shoved my hand in my pants... damn, I was so hard..."

Derek sighed, "Mmm..."

Spencer whispered into his ear, "And then the TARDIS appeared in my bedroom and Doctor 11 asked me to be his companion."

Derek pulled his head back to look at Spencer, "What's a TARDIS?"

Spencer rolled his eyes, "I'm just going to ignore that."

Derek asked, "Is that a part of your geek stuff?"

Spencer nodded, "Yeah."

"That's so hot," Derek closed his eyes and pushed his hand into Spencer's hair, yanking hard right where he likes it as he planted licking kisses along Spencer's jawline, "God, I love it when you talk nerdy to me."

Spencer laughed, "Really? I've been refraining from using 'nerd based comments' in the bedroom because I feared it would take away the heir of-"

Derek looked Spencer in his eyes, "Say something Physics-y."

Spencer bit his lip, "You mean like 'string theory' Physics-y, or mechanics-inertia Physics-y?"

Derek yanked off Spencer's tie and slid the buttons from his shirt, "Fuck, I don't know! It all sounds so fucking hot!"

Spencer said slowly and teasingly as Derek pressed him to the couch so that his lips traveled down his body, "Frictional force is presumed to be proportional to the coefficient of friction. However, the amount of force required to move an object starting from rest is usually greater than the force required to keep it moving at constant velocity once it is started. Therefore two coefficients of friction are sometimes quoted for a given pair of surfaces - a coefficient of static friction and a coefficient of kinetic friction."

Derek breathed, "Mmm, baby, you sound so sexy. What does that mean?"

"It means that if you force this hard enough and fast enough," Spencer grabbed onto Derek's hips and ground them into his, "against this. We can create a form of static electricity and kinetic friction that will feel like the equivalent to opening of the Treasure Chest in Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time."

Derek moaned against a harsh kiss, "I played Zelda once. Link is my homie."

Spencer gasped into Derek's mouth, "Really?"

Derek's hips stuttered against Spencer's as he dragged his boyfriend's pants down, "Yeah, I ended up playing as Purple Link though and then my sister laughed at me because I starting losing real bad, so I stopped playing."

Spencer groaned, "That's sexy as fuck, man, how far did you get?"

Derek's hands grabbed down Spencer's body as he replied, "I was getting ready to defeat the Wind Mage while Desi played as Blue Link helping me out but then, I started losing power quickly when I forgot to... I forgot to..."

Spencer clawed at Derek's bare back, "Come on, Derek, you can do it!"

Derek moaned loudly as Spencer started to unbuckle his pants, "I forgot to use my shield!"

Spencer looked into Derek's eyes, "Get a fresh pack of condoms and your DS. We're taking this upstairs."

A/N: Aaaaaaaaaaand nerd!sex. Have you ever nerd!sexed? I haven't. I don't particularly want to. But, it seems like the kind of thing these two waskily wabbits would get up to.

- Blue Skies