So it seems I was going to hell. I couldn't see any possible way out of it.

My mantra the day after the Jacob incident was: not real not real not real not real. When I got agitated it became: notrealnotrealnotrealnotreal. When I got really fucking agitated it became: notfuckingrealnotfuckingreal...and you get the picture. The advantage of being a crazy person was ranting was just status quo.

My drug this morning was Amisulpride...apparenty the Haloperidol wasn't effective. I googled it with my iPhone and Wiki claims that it's a selective dopamine antagonist which sounded really fucking violent if you asked me. Was there good dopamine and bad dopamine? And what method of selection did my drug use to antagonize my poor dopamine. Should I not have had a dopamine protagonist to complete the story arc?

Nothing felt right in this world. Nothing feels real in this world? I can't pinpoint the time and place of this narrative. Am I/was I telling a story...is someone reading it? Will someone read it?

Perhaps I was telling this story to myself now because I'd run out of options. It's not like I could read Twilight in this universe.

I wouldn't dare pick-up another book and I avoided the television in the common room like Herpes. I mean, What if I watched an episode of True Blood? Would I wake up as Sookie Stackhouse tomorrow? Not like we got fucking HBO anyway.

Having no other plans for the day, I would succumb to my misery. I missed my kids with a longing so brutal it was positively feral. I wanted my husband, the only other motherfucker I know who was crazier than me.

I wanted to die...I want to die.

-({})-

I was sobbing in my bed when Edward found me.

"Bella?"

"Leave me alone!" I snapped at him. The beautiful lie was not what I craved. I was lost, trapped in this world by my own mind. Something in my core firmly believed I would never resurface.

"Bella, love. Please listen to me? I know that you believe this other life is real. Truly it's the one that is the most plausible. However, please don't ask me to leave you. It's the only demand of yours I will ever refuse. You have my oath that I will love you forever, even as Isabella Flanagan."

"That makes absolutely no sense, Edward. I'm not the girl you love."

"Oh, but you are. If Bella Swan is real then you exist as part of her, and every part of Bella Swan is loved by me. If Isabella Flanagan is real, then I exist as part of you. Still I am yours."

Edward stopped talking and cradled me in his arms like a child. Instantly the grief dissipated and was replaced by calm. "I am yours, Bella. I love you unconditionally and irrevocably."

He was mine. I looked up at his otherworldly face that was mine. It belonged to me.

"You belong to me," I confirmed, meeting his gentle gaze. He nodded and I pressed my fingers to his mouth. "Holy fuck you're exquisite. Normal people don't have this kind of bone structure, you know. Your beauty is freakish."

"I'll try and keep humble," he smirked with a wicked grin. Ahhh, the lopsided grin. That was blatant flirting. Bella missed it completely but I didn't. He was trying to get my panties wet.

"Stay very still," I commanded, just like Bella Swan would have. Very curiously, he turned to stone beneath my touch. I inched my mouth towards him and pressed my lips timidly to his. I was nervous...everything felt too real. I was about to pull away but suddenly the statue before me came to life, pulling me roughly into the circle of his arms. He reciprocated my pathetic kiss with his own ferocious one.

"Oh god, Bella," he moaned "it's been so long since I've touched you."

This Edward was far more sexual than the one in the books...or perhaps he always was and Bella never fully recognized it. His lips parted beneath my kiss and I pushed the tip of my tongue into his mouth. I felt his lips become tense against mine but he fought against it. He greeted my tongue with his own and the sensation was like nothing I had ever encountered.

So beautiful, so sweet and cold. Mmmm, he was like chocolate mint. That was the smell and almost the taste. I wondered if he tasted like chocolate mint everywhere?

"Is there anything that you would deny me, Edward?" Yeah, I was already going to hell so I might as well enjoy the ride.

"Anything you want, Bella..." He smiled at me and then seemed to think better of his comment "...within reason, of course."

"Of course," I agreed and smiled wickedly. "Take your shirt off, Edward."

"Bella...I- I'm not sure that's a good idea."

"It's very important for my recovery. I need to fuck you to prove that you're real."

His eyes widened. "No Bella."

Yeah, of course not.

So I did something Bella never would have. I dug my hand into my pants and started touching myself. I closed my eyes and let out a lustful moan.

"Bella?"

"Shhh, Edward, don't interrupt me."

I opened my eyes and met his gaze. He was mesmerized. Sitting very still on my bed, he watched me have my way with myself.

"You're making me crazy, Bella." His voice was strained, the velvet timber replaced by a guttural rasp.

"I'm already there, Edward," I retorted breathlessly. My jeans started falling lower on my hips as my fingering grew more frantic.

"What are you thinking?" I gasped.

"I...want to see."

"What do you want to see?"

"All of you, Bella."

"Only if you ask nicely, and call it by it's proper name."

"Please Bella, I want to see your..."

"Use the "P" word, Edward...and I don't mean please."

"Show me your pussy, Bella."

Author's Note: Shit this is dirty! Reviews make Bella bolder.