Author's note: If masturbation is offensive to you than consider the title your warning...it's never my intention to offend.

I should have quit you, baby, such a long time ago,
I wouldn't be here with all my troubles Down on this killing floor.
Squeeze me baby, till the juice runs down my leg
Squeeze me baby, till the juice runs down my leg
The way you squeeze my lemon,
I..I'm gonna fall right out of bed, yeah.

Led Zeppelin - The Lemon Song

What else could I possibly do? I lowered my pants and kicked them off with my feet. I was wearing Bella's benign white panties but the innocence they implied was seductive. The kind of sexy that appears so because it's trying not to be...but actually is. Like a Japanese schoolgirl.

I stuck a finger into the elastic and dipped down about an inch. Edward was not breathing or blinking. I had completely captured his attention. His eyes followed my fingers, the pupils moving left and right, up and down with each of my slow caresses. I felt like I was hypnotizing a chicken.

I lowered the panties ever so slightly, maybe half an inch and then stopped. His eyes were transfixed on the exposed flesh of my abdomen.

On my hands and knees I crawled the length of the bed to my virginal centenarian vampire lover. I kissed him very softly on his unyielding mouth and said "So you want to see my pussy?"

He nodded, venomous drool started to turn white in the corner of his mouth. So fucking sexy...and a little gross.

Facing him, I lifted myself onto his lap and then dropped backward on the bed so that I was straddling his stomach. Pulling back away ever so slightly, I opened my legs so that he could see my wetness seeping through the cotton underwear.

"Girls get very wet then they are turned on. Did you know that, Edward?" I moved the material to the side infinitesimally revealing a light sprinkling of pubic hair and the edge of my lip.

He drew in air with a hiss through his teeth before regaining composure. "I've gotten very detailed accounts of lovemaking from my brothers. Female vampires do not produce vaginal lubricant like human women, however I've read up on human arousal and sexuality," he half smiled somewhat shamefully "And er- downloaded some movies."

"Holy mother of shit! Edward Cullen downloads porn! You must tell me everything!"

"What do you want to know?" he laughed nervously.

"What kind of porn appeals to you most."

"I didn't find any of it really that appealing, Bella. It's not what I was expecting."

"Why did you watch it then?"

"I'm not sure if I should answer that question. It will only encourage you."

"Yeah well, asking to see my pussy was all the encouragement I needed."

Edward sighed with a shaky breath and drew his eyes away from my crotch.

"I wanted to make sure that I would know how to give you pleasure should the opportunity ever become feasible."

"Do you think you learned everything you needed to?"

He grinned smugly. "I'm a quick study."

"I'm so curious..."

"You can ask me anything, Bella. You know that."

"Can...No, never mind. It's too embarrassing."

This was rewarded with a snarky laugh. "Oh, I see. Questioning me is embarrassing but your little performance doesn't irk you one bit."

I glared at him. "Can you masturbate and if so, do you?"

That wiped the grin off of his face. "Yes...and yes."

"But not to porn?"

"No."

"What do you think about while jerking off?"

"This," he said cupping my face between his hands and kissing me. He drew his wintry tongue down my neck sending delicious shivers through me. Sweet and cool like chocolate mint. Like a fucking york peppermint patty.

"Do you think about fucking me?"

"Yes, Bella."

"Say it, Edward."

"I think about fucking you all of the time." He nipped my earlobe with his lips.

"I want to see it. I want to see you rub your cock while thinking about fucking me."

That gave him pause.

"Look Edward, I know that you don't want to fuck me because you're scared that you might hurt me. Well fuck you then! Fuck you or fuck off!"

"Bella-"

"No, don't argue with me! I'm making a fool of myself here."

"I- I want to please you, Bella, I swear I do. I'm just worried that you're not in the right frame of mind."

Oh...I could fix that. I would just have to work a little harder at becoming Bella Swan.

I let a couple of pathetic tears roll down my cheek. "I'm sorry, Edward. I...I don't know what I was thinking. Please pass me my jeans."

"Please don't cry Bella, love...let me look at you for a little longer."

"No Edward. I feel so ashamed of myself."

"Please Bella, let me look at you? You have no reason to feel ashamed. You're so beautiful...let me see, please?"

Tentatively I lowered the panties and gave him full view. He groaned and pulled a metal spoke out of the bed frame he was currently curling his fingers around.

"Christ!" he swore uncharacteristically without my goading. "I can taste you from here."

I ducked my head, as if embarrassed. He kissed my cheek. "So beautiful," he whispered.

"Really?" I asked with feigned skepticism, attempting to cross my legs bashfully.

"Every inch of you is breathtaking. You can't even imagine the restraint I am employing...the things I'm imagining doing to you." He lowered his face to my abdomen and licked a cool line down to my pubic bone, kissing and licking his way back up to my navel. That was my undoing, seeing the muscles twitching in his strong jaw as he tongued so close to my nether lips.

"Please, Edward?"

"What do you want, Bella...tell me?"

"I want to see you spank the monkey while watching me touch myself. All the while I want you tell me every dirty slang word know for pussy."

He laughed, god bless him. "That's a tall order."

Hmmm, let's hope so!

"You really want to see me...do that?"

"Yes, Edward. So very much."

My vision blurred slightly with lust as I stared at the brown buckle of his belt, just above the straining denim of his jeans. There was a raging hard-on behind the zipper, I just knew it! His hands momentarily blocked my ogling

"Cum dumpster," he said, unbuckling slowly.

Excuse me?

"Cunt, lovebox, twat, cooter, beaver, fish lips," he continued with a lascivious grin. He lowered his pants to the ground and kept rattling off pussy words. "Rosebud, curly curtains, furry furnace, slop hole, velcro love triangle."

I opened my legs wide to give him some inspiration "Slice of heaven," he groaned and pulled himself out of the boxers.

Oh...Oh my. Wow. Shit! Oh fuck, I wanted to touch it.

It was so perfectly proportionate and straight...not too long or thick but plenty big. He could have been a cock model...if such an occupation exists.

"Touch yourself for me, Bella?" he grunted while stroking his length.

"Sure, Edward." I splayed my fingers, pushing one inside myself and resting the other on my clit. "But don't forget to say your pussy words."

"Aahhhh," he exhaled, gripping himself firmly. "Cum craver, cock squeezer, camel toe, muff, snatch, hairy doughnut, fun hatch, spasm chasm."

I pushed my finger in and out at a languid pace as he jerked his cock slowly. Part of me felt guilty, like I was defiling Jane Austen's Mr. Darcy or some shit. Whatever, though...everybody fucks. Sex is the great equalizer.

"Pooter, love rug, poontang, poonanie, cooch, tunnel of love."

He was pulling on himself furiously now.

"I'm going to touch you so please don't break my hand by accident when I interrupt your wank."

I grabbed him in my fist and...got rained with jizz.

What the fuck? Why does this keep happening to me??

"I'm never going to have an orgasm again at this rate!"

"I wouldn't worry about that, love. Vampires never go soft."