I own none of the characters of Angel
Connor and Spike had just pulled themselves off of the floor and Gunn and Wesley had just gotten into the lobby when they all saw Angel being thrown into the wall. They heard Cordelia scream and then they saw Angel turn into a pile of dust. Spike, Gunn and Wesley stood there in shock, Connor dropped his sword and fell to his knees and Cordelia ran over to the pile of dust.
"No, no, no, no. This cannot be happening." She whispered as she picked up the only thing that remained of the man she loved, his wedding ring. From a distance she heard Connor sobbing. Wesley walked over to her.
"Cordelia, he's gone." Wesley said tearfully
"No, he's not. He promised to be careful." She said stubbornly.
"I'll be damned. I never thought Angel would get dusted." Spike said
"It should have been you." Cordy screamed. It was finally sinking in that he was gone. "He was a good man. He helped people because he wanted to, unlike you, you selfish bastard. You only did this for a chance at becoming human. It shouldn't have happened like this. He has a family."
"We need to go." Wesley whispered.
"No, I'm not leaving him." She sobbed.
"He's not here." He tried to pull her to her feet but she refused. "Cordelia, please."
"He's right here." She was scooping the dust into a pile. Wesley left her alone and went to check on Connor who was sobbing in the corner.
"Connor?" He asked gently.
"Dad." Was the only word that he could get out.
"I know."
"What the hell happened?" Gunn asked when Wesley walked over to him.
"I need to call Fred. Stay with them." Wesley walked away from Angel's wife and son and made one of the hardest phone calls of his life. Ten minutes later he was back in the lobby and motioned Gunn over to him. "We need to get them out of here before this building goes down."
"I don't think that Cordy will leave."
"She doesn't have a choice. Can you get Connor out to the car?" Gunn nodded and headed over to Connor.
"Cordelia, this building isn't safe. We need to leave." Wesley said softly
"I…can't leave…him."
"He's not here."
"Yes he is." She screamed. " He has to be here. He wouldn't of left me or the children."
"You're right. He wouldn't of willing left you, Connor, Catherine or Chase. It wasn't his choice to leave."
"I should have seen it coming. I should have had a vision and I could have stopped it."
"It wasn't your fault Cordelia."
"You're right it wasn't my fault. The Powers did this." She lifted her head towards the sky. "How could you do this?" She screamed. "After everything that he has done for you? How could you take him away from me, from his children? I'm done working for you. Do you hear me? I'm done. Don't ever send me another vision again." She collapsed in sobs. She allowed Wesley to lift her up and carry her to the car.
"Spike are you coming?" Wesley asked.
"No mate, I did what I came to do. I have no reason to go back to the hotel, especially now. Cordelia I'm so sorry." He whispered as he walked away into the darkness.
The ride back to the hotel was silent except for Cordelia's sobbing. Silent tears were falling from Connor and Gunn's eyes. Wesley stared straight ahead at the road in front of him. When he pulled in front of the hotel, Fred, Ciara, Justine and Lorne rushed out. The men slowly climbed out of the car into the arms of their wives.
"He's gone C, my dad is gone and I couldn't do anything to save him." Connor sobbed.
"I can't believe this is happening." Fred said as she looked at Cordy who was still crying in the car. "Poor Cordy. I don't know how she is going to get through this."
"Cordelia do you want to stay here or go home?" Wesley asked.
"Home…wherever Angel was, that was my home. I don't have a home anymore." Wesley helped her out of the car and into the hotel where she walked into his office, touching everything that belonged to him. She picked up a recent photo of herself and the kids. She looked at her friends her were standing in the office with her. "How do I tell my babies that their daddy is dead, that he is never coming back?" She sobbed as she collapsed in his chair.
"You don't have to tell them tonight sweetie pie." Lorne said
"I shouldn't have to tell them that their father is dead." Still holding the picture in her hand she threw it against the wall causing everyone to jump in surprise. "Where are they?"
"Asleep in their old room." Fred answered.
"I can't do this. I can't raise my children without their father. I need Angel."
"We'll be here Cordy. You won't be alone." Fred said
"I don't want you. I want Angel." She sobbed. "I want my husband." Fred went over and pulled Cordy into her arms and held her while she sobbed.
"Cordelia, I have something for you." Wesley said.
"Is it Angel?" He shook his head.
"Five years ago when Angel went after Carlo he wrote letters to you, Connor, Ciara, and Catherine. He asked me to give them to you in case anything happened. Since nothing happened to him, I kept the letters and every so often he would update them. Once Chase was born he added a letter for him. The last time he updated these was before the beast came to town." Cordy, Connor and Ciara stared at him in shock. "He never intended to die but he was prepared for it and he wanted to make sure that his family knew how much he loved them if anything ever happened to him." Wesley handed out the letters. Connor had just gotten his emotions under control and when Wesley handed him his letter he broke down again and Ciara who had been crying since she got the news cried harder.
"I….uh…can we stay here tonight?" Connor asked between sobs. Cordy nodded. "Cor, I'm so sorry. I should have saved him." Before she could respond he and Ciara were gone.
"I need to see my kids." She said. She grabbed the letters that Wesley gave her, walked past her friends and up to Catherine and Chase's room. As soon as he opened the door and saw them lying there the sobbing started again. She tried to keep them quiet but it didn't work.
"Mama?" Chase said "Why are you crying?"
"Oh baby." She cried and pulled him into her lap. Cordy didn't even realize that Catherine had woken up until she crawled on her lap.
"Mommy why are you sad?" Cordy pulled herself together.
"I have something very sad to tell you. Daddy got hurt at work tonight."
"Is he okay?" Catherine asked.
"No baby girl he's not okay. Daddy died." The kids had seen enough death in their short lives to know what it meant. They knew that when someone died, good or bad that they would never see them again.
"Daddy's not coming back?" Catherine asked
"No sweetie he's not coming back?" Catherine burst into tears.
"Does he not love us anymore?" Chase asked and Cordy's heart broke again.
"Daddy loves you very much. He didn't want to go away little man." Chase began to cry and Cordy held her children on her lap while they cried for the man that they loved so much.
--
"I don't think that I can read this." Connor said tearfully. He and Ciara sat on the bed with Patrick lying between them.
"How about I read you yours and you read me mine?" Ciara suggested.
"I'll go first." Ciara handed him her letter.
Dearest Ciara-
My sweet daughter, it has been an honor to have been your father over the years. You are an amazing woman, wife and mother. I think that you were put on this earth to take care of children. You flourish when you are around little ones. Thank you for being such a wonderful sister to Catherine and Chase. They really love and adore you, as well they should. Speaking of children, please make sure that Patrick knows about his grandfather, the good and the bad. Make sure he knows how much I love him, he is an amazing kid and I'm sorry that I won't be around to see him grow up but one thing that I know for certain that because of you he will grow into an amazing man. You and Connor really need to have more babies. You have so much love to give Ciara, keep on giving it. I have one favor to ask of you. Take care of Connor. He is going to take my death hard. He is going to feel guilty even though there was nothing he could of done. Help him through this. You two are going to need each other. Be there and support each other. Ciara, don't give up, don't let my death be for nothing. Keep on fighting to make the world a better place for your son. I know you can do it. Thank you for the privilege of being your father. I love you Ciara.
-Dad
Ciara was sobbing by the time Connor finished reading her letter. He pulled her into his arms and held her until her sobbing subsided.
"I..I just can't believe he's gone." She whispered and Connor just nodded. "Are you ready for your letter?" He shook his head.
"If you read me the letter then it means that he is really gone."
"Sweetie, he's gone whether of not you read the letter." He didn't respond. "Connor, you need to hear your father's last words."
"Go ahead." Ciara slowly opened the letter.
Connor-
I am so sorry that you are reading this because this letter was only written with the intent that it be read if I'm dead. Connor, it's not your fault. There was nothing that you could have done to stop it. I am so proud of the man that you have become. Because I am your father your life hasn't always been easy. Your childhood was taken away from you and for that I am so sorry. You were the miracle that I never was supposed to have and when you came into my life I was so happy. I tried everything to keep you safe and I failed and for that I am so sorry. I suppose that it all worked out because I got you back, not the baby I lost but a man came back to me. Granted, you tried to kill me but it all turned out for the better. It has been an honor to be your father. I have watched you grow from an unhappy young man to the wonderful husband, father and friend that you are today. I still can't believe that my baby boy is a father, a great father. Connor, I know how hard this will be for you but I need you to continue the fight against evil. I know that you are going to want to give up, but DON'T. Fighting evil was what you were born to do. If you give up then my death was for nothing. Don't let me die in vain. I know that this is so hard for you but you can't give up. Now, on a more personal note look out for your brother and sister. Share your memories of me with them. They are so young and my death is going to be hard for them to understand. Please help them. I need you to teach them how to fight, like I taught you. Just because I'm gone doesn't mean the threat to their lives is gone. Teach them how to defend themselves. They adore and look up to their big brother. Be there for them since I can't be. Connor, you are a champion, a hero. My hero. Don't ever forget that. I am so proud to have been your father. I just wish I could have had that job for longer than I did. Take care your amazing wife and son. Never forget how much I love you.
-Dad
--
After the kids cried themselves to sleep Cordy tucked them back into bed and went into her room, the room that she shared with Angel. She sniffed the air, trying to pick up the scent of the man that she loved but she got nothing. They haven't been in this room for six months, not since they went to Wolfram & Hart, so it made sense that Angel's scent wouldn't have lingered. She needed something, anything of Angel so she began to search through the room. He hadn't taken many clothes with him because she convinced him that a CEO needed to dress much better than he did. She was happy at the time when she won that battle, but tonight she was thankful as she opened his closet and saw his dark shirts still hanging there. Slipping out of her clothes and pulled one of his shirts from the hanger. She always made fun of him because he always placed his clothes on a hanger then buttoned all of the buttons. Tonight she was grateful for his OCD qualities when it came to his clothes. She unbuttoned the first two buttons and slipped his shirt over her head. It was way to big for her and it came to mid-thigh on her and she had to roll up the sleeves so she could see her hands. It smelled like the laundry soap they used but not him. Walking in the bathroom she hoped like hell that he had left some of his cologne and she was rewarded when she found a bottle. She put some of it on his shirt then she crawled into his side of the bed, holding the letters that Wesley gave her. She was so angry that he thought about his death without talking to her but at the same time she was grateful that he left his words of love behind. She opened and read his letters to Catherine and Chase. Due to their age their letters were simple and to the point. He shared a special memory that he had with each of his children, told them how proud he was of them and how much he loved and always would love them. By the time she was done reading his final words to his children, her tears were falling again. She was going to tell them about the letters but hold onto them until they were old enough to appreciate them. She slowly opened her letter. She wanted to read it as much as she didn't want to read it. After some internal debate she began to read.
My sweet Cordelia-
"Hello salty goodness." I believe that those were the first words that a rich, snobby, selfish Sunnydale High school cheerleader spoke to me. Who knew that the rich, snobby, selfish cheerleader would become the love of my life? You are not the same woman that I met over ten years ago because I didn't like that woman very much.. It has been such a pleasure watching you become the woman that you that you are today. You have been through much baby. I have watched you deal with so much over the past years. When Doyle gave you your visions you took them and embraced them through the fear and pain, the pain that almost killed that you that you didn't tell me about, which really pissed me off by the way. Cordy smiled through her tears. You had the chance to get rid of them and led a normal life, a life without me but you didn't because helping people was too important to you. So you became part demon just to continue helping the helpless. Do you have any idea how many people that your visions have helped? Me either. All I know is that is has been so many. After what happened between Buffy and I, I never wanted to have another relationship again, not friends or girlfriends. Relationships hurt too much when they end and I'm usually the one who does the hurting but you wouldn't let me go inside of myself. You wormed your way into my life first as my friend, then my best friend then as the woman that I love. Cordy, I wish I pinpoint the exact moment that I fell in love with you because if I could, I would relive it every moment of every day, but I can't. I only know when I realized that I loved you, and it was when you were being tortured with your visions by W & H. But me being the vampire that I am held it all inside because I knew that I had nothing to offer you. When you almost died on your birthday, I almost broke down and told you then but my stubbornness won out again and I kept my feelings to myself, thinking that you would be happier. Then the ballet, oh damn, I had a taste of what could be with you and I had every intention of telling you that night but Gru came back and I saw how happy you were and he could give you what I couldn't I stood back and hoped that you would be happy. Enough with the walk down memory lane, we both now how it ended, we are in love. The years that we spent together were the best of my very long life. I was no longer the unhappy brooding man that I was. Yes I admit it I liked to brood and Dammit I was good at it. You made me so happy, perfectly happy. The life that we had has been so wonderfully amazing. You deserve so much more than I could ever give you. You deserved to have a man who could walk out in the sun with you, go into the ocean with you that you love so much during the day, a man who could make love to you whenever you wanted and without the need of a potion, but none of that mattered to you did it? You sacrificed so much of a life to be with me and I'll be forever grateful that you chose to love me. Waking up next to you everyday was a dream come true. Okay, now on to the reason for this letter. If you are reading this then I have been killed. I am so sorry Cor, you know that I never wanted to leave you. I wish, more than anything that I was still with you, holding you but I'm not. You need to go on with your life baby, continue to fight the good fight. On a more personal note, our babies, the two wonderful children that we made together during an act of love, don't let them forget me. Let them know how much their daddy loved them. Dying never scared me, but the thought of my children forgetting me scares me even more. Tell them about me, about us and our love for each other. Our love, it hasn't always been smooth sailing has it? Even though you have driven me crazy on numerous occasions and don't try and deny it Cordelia, you know it's true. Think back to all of the arguments that we have had over the years. You can be so damn stubborn and I love that about you. You always think that right, even when you're not, and you are so damn tough. You have never taken any shit from nobody. Don't ever change that about yourself and teach that wonderful trait to Chase and Catherine. I want our children to be strong like their mother. I need you to do something for me. I need you to go on with your life. Find a man, a human man who will love you and be able to give you everything that I couldn't. A man that can take you out into the sun, a man that can make love to you like you deserve. Just make sure that he is good to our babies, that he will love them. I hate to think of you with another man but you are young and beautiful. You deserve to be happy even if it's not with me. I'm going to end this letter now by saying goodbye and thank you. Thank you for making my life complete. Thank you for loving me and allowing me to love you, the most amazing woman ever. I will love you forever, my wonderful wife.
-All my love always
Your husband,
Angel.
P.S. I have enclosed something that you have been wanting for years. Enjoy.
Cordy pulled out the last two sheets of paper and burst into tears. Angel had drawn a family portrait, something that she had wanted since Catherine was born. Through her tears she saw him, herself, Catherine and Chase smiling back at her. The last page was a picture of the two of them, looking into each other's eyes.
"God Dammit Angel." She yelled into the empty room. She was furious that he left her alone. " I hate you." She screamed as she threw anything that belonged to him across the room. "How could you leave me alone? I can't do this on my own Angel. I can't raise our children without you. They need their father, I need you. Why did you have to be so damn stubborn and fight alone? I could have helped you. I could have saved you, you son of a bitch. You always have to be the fucking man don't you and look what it cost you. It cost you your life. You're the hero and I am a widow. I hate your for that. Can you hear me, I hate you Angel." She sobbed and collapsed on her knees, hugging her arms tightly to her chest and rocked back and forth. "I'm sorry." She sobbed. "I don't hate you Angel. I just want you back. I don't want to be alone." She stopped crying. She needed to see if her pleading worked. She stared at the door for hours, waiting for him to walk through the door, put his arms around her and tell her it had all been a very bad dream but he never came. As the sun began to rise she realized that she was really alone and he wasn't coming back. She let out an animal like scream as her world crumbled around her.
--
"Get me the hell out of here." Angel roared. "Is this your idea of a sick joke? I die saving the God Damned world for you and this is my reward. Keeping me trapped here to watch my family grieve." He spun around in the white, whatever the hell he was in, waiting for an answer, something he has had none of since he turned into a pile of dust. "Answer me Dammit." He screamed.
"VAMPIRE." A voice roared. "ENOUGH."
"No, not enough. Answer my questions."
"In time vampire."
"No not in time. NOW. I want answers now."
"Demanding will not get you what you want."
"What I want is not to be dead. What I want is to be back on earth holding my wife and children."
"You're time on earth has come to an end."
"Then end it already. I can't stand here watch my wife fall apart."
"It will end when the time is right."
"What the hell does that mean?" He received no answer. "Answer me Dammit." No response. He sighed as he looked down at Cordelia who was curled up in a fetal position, sobbing. "I'm so sorry Cor." He whispered sadly as he began to cry silently.