I own none of the characters of Angel.
The morning after learning of their father's death Catherine and Chase wondered into their parent's room and they found their mother curled on the floor.
"Mama?" Chase said hesitantly. Cordy opened her eyes and looked at her son who looked so much Angel and she burst into tears. "Mommy don't cry." Chase begged as he wrapped his tiny arms around his mother. While Chase tried to comfort his grieving mother Catherine snuck out of the room and went to the lobby where she found Lorne and Wesley.
"Good morning pudding pop." Lorne said when he saw Catherine.
"Mommy is crying on the floor Uncle Lorne." She said as crawled up on his lap. Lorne and Wesley looked at each other.
"Do you know why your mommy is crying Catherine?" Wesley asked her gently and tears filled her big brown eyes.
"Daddy's dead." She sobbed into Lorne's chest.
"I'm going to check on your mommy okay?" Wesley asked her.
"I want to go."
"Sweetie you should stay with Uncle Lorne." She shook her head and Wesley was reminded how stubborn she was.
"All right then. Let's go." Holding both of her uncle's hands they all headed upstairs. What they saw when they opened the door broke their hearts all over again. Cordy was lying on the floor in a fetal position sobbing with Chase's arms around her. Wesley gently pulled Chase away from his mother and handed him to Lorne.
"Come on kitty Catherine let's go make some breakfast." Neither child spoke a word as Lorne took them out of the room. Once the kids were gone Wesley went over to the woman on the floor.
"Cordelia." He whispered softly.
"Angel…Gone…Forever…Alone…Angel…" She sobbed. Wesley gently picked her up off of the floor and sat her on the bed.
"I know that you are hurting, we are all hurting."
"Damn right I'm hurting Wesley." She screamed. "The love of my life, the father of my children is dead. Do you know what dead means Wesley? It means that he is never coming back. It means that my children won't have a father. It means that he won't be able to walk Catherine down the aisle when she gets married. It means that Chase will never get girl advice from his father. It means that I'm all alone Wesley. I'm all alone." She was sobbing hysterically.
"Wesley?" He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to face his wife who had come in during Cordy's screams.
He took his hand and led her out into the hall. "I need to get Cordelia a sedative. She is hysterical. Can you stay with her until I return? I don't want her to be alone."
"Do you think that she will hurt herself?" Fred asked in a concerned voice.
"I don't think so but she is in a dark place with her grief right now and I don't want her to be alone." Fred wrapped her arms around Wesley's neck. He felt her wet tears against his cheek.
"I can't imagine the pain she is feeling. I'm hurting because I lost a wonderful friend but she lost her husband, the man that she loved. I don't know what I would do if something happened to you."
"Don't think like that sweetheart. "
"It's hard not too right now."
"I know." He kissed her softly. "I need to go get the sedative." They reluctantly broke apart and Fred went into her best friends room.
"Hey Cordy." She whispered softly as she sat next to her. Cordy didn't respond and Fred wasn't even sure that she heard her because she was sobbing so hard. So she just gently rubbed her back until Wesley returned an hour later with a syringe in his hand.
"Any change?"
"The sobbing just got louder." Fred answered. Wesley silently walked over and injected the sedative into her thigh. Within a minute her sobbing subsided and her eyes were fluttering closed. Her breathing became even as she fell asleep.
She slept fitfully through the day. Every time she woke up and the memory of Angel being dusted rushed back to her and she broke down in silent sobs until she fell back asleep only to be plagued with the nightmares of losing him again. She couldn't escape it.
The next time she woke up she sensed that someone else was in the room with her. She struggled to open her swollen eyes.
"Angel?" She questioned.
"No Cordy, It's Connor." He whispered softly.
"You look so much like him." She said struggling to sit up. She was still woozy from the sedative Wesley gave her and it probably didn't help matters any that she was just plain exhausted from all of the crying she has been doing. Connor rushed over to help her. "Always wanting to help, just like your father." He sat next to her and she leaned her head on his shoulder.
"Catherine and Chase?" She asked
"There hanging out with the other kids. Ciara is watching them." Tears filled her eyes again.
"I'm such a horrible mom. Every time I look at them I see Angel. I just can't do it."
"It will get easier with time."
"No it won't. It won't ever be easy living without him Connor."
"It won't be easy Cordy. Death is not meant to easy but since when do you take the easy way in life?"
"Maybe for once in my life I want it to be easy."
"It's too late for easy. I wish like hell this didn't happen but it did. Dad's gone. He's a pile of dust at the bottom of the pile of rubble that used to be Wolfram & Hart. We need to move on." He wanted to throw up as those words about his father came out of his mouth but he knew that if he coddled Cordy she would never move on and she needed too. Cordy stared at him, her eyes flashing with anger.
"How dare you talk about your father like that."
"It's true Cordy."
"You make me sick. Get out Connor." She got out of bed and stormed into the bathroom slamming the door behind her. Connor slowly walked out of the room.
"Tough love didn't work. She kicked me out." He announced to the lobby.
"She needs time. She just lost the love of her life. You can't expect her to jump back into her life like nothing happened. I sure the hell couldn't do it." Ciara snapped and glared at the people around her. "So I will take care of Catherine and Chase as long as it takes for Cordy to come back." The group sat in silence as she stormed out of the room.
"Ciara's right." Gunn said simply. "Cordy needs time and we can't force her to get over his death on our timeline. Imagine if that were any of us and we just lost our spouse. Would any of you in this room bounce back if the person that you loved more than anything was taken away from saving the world? You know damn well that you wouldn't. We are her friends. We were all friends with Angel. We need to support her through this not push her to heal and move on. That's what friends are for and that's what Angel would want."
--
During their discussion regarding her state of mind Cordy managed to get a quick shower. As she was slipping on another one of Angel's shirts she had a vision.
"I thought I told you that I quit." She yelled to the ceiling as she climbed back into bed. The vision began relaying itself in her mind. "Give it up. Why the hell should I help you anymore? You are The Powers That Fucking Be. You know things before they happen and you send me a vision of that. Well where they hell was my damned vision that Angel would die? After everything that we have done for you, you let him die. If you would of sent me a vision about his death I could have saved him so this is all your fault and I'm not helping you ever again."
The vision continued for another hour. She figured that it stopped because it was too late. Not acting on the vision went against everything that she believed in and had been fight for over the years but without Angel to fight with her she had no desire to help anyone especially The Powers That Be who killed her husband.
Over the next twenty-four hours in between the visions that she kept receiving she wept and slept. She was so conflicted. She hadn't seen her children, which was a good and bad thing. She needed to see them and hold them but seeing them would hurt to much because when she looked into their eyes she would see the pain and hurt that would be reflected in her own and she would be reminded of what a failure she was as a mother and a wife. She couldn't save their father. She wanted to share her visions so they could continue to fight evil but she didn't want to fight because no one helped Angel so why should she help anyone. She wanted to be with her children, but she didn't want to be. She was so tired of crying but that's all she wanted to do. She was physically exhausted but didn't want to sleep because of the nightmares. All of this internal debate finally had caught up with her. She picked up a photo of her and Angel.
"Angel, I can't do this anymore." She sobbed into the photograph. "I want to be with you. It's the only thing that makes sense to me now."
--
"CORDY" Angel screamed. He was helpless. She was falling apart and he was afraid of what she was going to do and there wasn't a damn thing that he could do to help her. He collapsed on the ground, holding his head in his hands. "Please just send me to hell. I can't watch this anymore." He begged, hoping that something was listening.
"In time vampire." Came the voice.
"No now. "
"You have one final mission."
"I no longer work for you. Didn't you get my resignation when I was KILLED?" He roared.
"You need to save the seer."
"How can I? I'm dead."
"We will send you back to assit the seer back on her path."
"How long?"
"Two hours."
"What the hell is it with you guys and the two hour time limit? "
"Do you accept the mission?"
"Can I tell my kids goodbye?"
"The only one who will be able to see you will be the seer."
"I accept." He was blinded by a bright light and the next thing he knew he was back in his old room. He saw Cordy on their bed holding a glass of water in one hand and a bottle of pills in another. "Cordelia." He whispered. She looked at the sound of his voice.
"Angel?" She questioned. She still didn't see him so she thought that she was alone. "Great I have lost my mind. I'm hearing my dead husbands voice." She said out loud to herself. Angel walked over to the bed,
"Cor, I'm here." He placed a hand on her arm. She screamed, jumped off of the bed and ran to the corner of the room.
"No. No. This is not happening." She pointed a finger at him. "You are dead. I saw you get dusted."
"They sent me back to help you find your way back. You're in a dark place right now and I know about dark places." She took a couple of steps forward and placed a tentative hand on his cheek.
"You're really here." She whispered. He placed one of his hands over hers.
"I'm really here baby." Still holding her hand he pulled her towards him and they wrapped their arms around each other in a tight hug, She sobbed into chest and he sobbed into her. They stood there for fifteen minutes before Angel finally pulled apart. He had a time limit to stick to.
"How?" She sniffed when he pulled away
"The Powers sent me because they are worried about you."
"Those bastards." She muttered. "Are you still dead, well more dead then you were before?" He nodded and walked to the bed and picked up the bottle of pills that she left there.
"What the hell were you thinking Cordelia?" He yelled at her, waving the bottle in front of her face.
"I…" He wouldn't let her talk.
"You are a mother Dammit. You have to think about Catherine and Chase. You cannot kill yourself and leave them without any parents. I know that your heart is broken Cor, but it's not just about you anymore."
"ANGEL." She yelled trying to get his attention. He finally stopped ranting. "Look at the dammed bottle. It's aspirin dumbass. I have a headache. I wasn't going to kill myself. I would never leave Catherine and Chase alone in this world. How could you think that I would ever do that? Did you lose your mind when you died?"
"But I heard you say that you wanted to be with me, that being with me was the only thing that made sense to you."
"You've been watching me?" He nodded. "That was my broken heart talking. I love you so of course I want to be with you. Being with you and having Catherine and Chase is the only thing that ever made sense to me."
"Oh Cor."
"No let me finish. You're gone now and the only thing that I have left is Catherine and Chase. They are all I have left of you. I just don't know how to do it without you Angel. I don't want to do it without you."
"My sweet Cordelia" He whispered as he pulled her into his arms.
"When did I become this person, a woman who can't function without a man?"
"That's not who you are Cor, You are the strongest person that I know. You can function without me. You did it for years and you'll do it again. Hell baby, you had no trouble functioning without me after that Buffy incident." A small smile escaped her lips.
"That was different. You were still here." She mumbled.
"I'll always be in your heart."
"I don't want you in my heart Angel. I want you in my arms."
"I want that too, more than anything, but it's not meant to be anymore. You're grieving right now so you're feeling hopeless and helpless. It will get better in time."
"Why did this happen to you…to us…to Conner, Ciara, Catherine and Chase?"
"I've had over 250 years on this earth. My time is up."
"But I haven't had enough time with you Angel. Your children haven't had enough time with you. They need their dad."
"If we were together for another 250 years together Cordelia, it still wouldn't be enough time together but unfortunately, death is a part of life."
"You sound like you are okay with dying." She said in an accusatory tone.
"Of course I'm not okay with dying Cordelia. It is, well for lack of better term, killing me. I won't be able to walk my little girl down the aisle. I won't be able to give Chase any fatherly advice about the woman that he falls in love with." Angel said tearfully. "I won't be able to watch Connor and Ciara raise their family. I won't be touch, hold, or tell you I love you. It is tearing me up inside about everything that I will be missing, so no Cordy, I am most definitely not okay with dying."
Cordy sank to the floor in sobs, and Angel, sobbing himself, slid down next to her and wrapped his arms tightly around her holding her tightly.
"Cordelia?" Wesley heard her sobbing and he had come to her room to check on her.
"Wes? He's here."
"Who is here?"
"Angel. He came back." Wesley walked over to her and gently took her hand.
"Cordelia, Angel is dead. He isn't here." He said gently.
"I know he is dead, but The Powers sent him back. He is sitting right here beside me."
"Cor, he can't see me. You are the only one who can." Wesley watched as Cordy talked to the empty space next to her.
"So I'm the only one that can see you?" She asked and he nodded. "What the hell are the powers trying to do? Make me look insane?"
"Get rid of him Cor. We don't have much time left."
"How much time Angel?"
"Not much."
"You're right Wesley. Angel is dead. I guess my grief is making me see things."
"Cordelia?"
"Wes, I just need to be alone." He just continued to look at her. "Really I'm fine. I just need to be alone." Wesley reluctantly left the room.
"Now, about you avoiding your visions." Angel said when they were alone again.
"I'm so angry at those damn powers. I have worked so hard for them. We have done everything that they ever asked of us. They could have sent me the vision of your death. I could have saved you. Why did they let you die? It's their fault that you are dead." She shouted.
"Keep your voice down or Wesley will come back in here. Cordy it wasn't their fault. You can't blame them."
"It was my fault." She whispered with defeat.
"No sweetheart, it wasn't. You couldn't have stopped it. As much as you want to blame someone you can't because there is no one to blame."
"I don't want to fight anymore Angel."
"You don't have to fight right now if you don't want to but don't ignore your visions Cordelia."
"How can I not ignore my visions and not fight?"
"When you get a vision tell someone about it and let them fight. If you ignore these visions then all the good that we have done will have been for nothing."
"Angel…I let innocent people die because I was so angry." She sobbed into his chest. "I am a horrible person."
"You were grieving and you made a mistake. Hell, I've made plenty of those. Just don't let it happen again." She nodded. "Promise me that you will keep fighting, even if it's just by sharing your visions."
"I promise."
"One more promise I need from you."
"What?"
"Move on with your life. Be happy again. Fall in love. Like I told you in my letter, I want you to be happy again, even if it's not with me. Our kids need a father."
"They have a father."
"A dead one Cordy. They…you deserve to have a happy life. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be happy. I want you to be happy."
"No I won't promise you that."
"Please you have too. I will be able to rest easy in hell knowing that you will be happy."
"You're going to hell?"
"Of course I am Cordy. I'm a vampire. I very well can't get into heaven. I deserve to go to hell. "
"No, you are a good man."
"Maybe, but I'm still a vampire, a demon. Demons aren't in heaven. Now quit changing the subject Cordelia and make me that promise."
"I don't want to."
"Please…for me. I want…I need you to be happy again Cor. " He begged with tears streaming down his face. Cordy slowly nodded. "Say it. I need to hear you say it."
"I promise."
"You promise what?"
"Don't make me say it Angel." She begged tearfully. He just stared at her until she spoke again. "I promise to be happy again." He dark brown eyes stared intently into hers, waiting for more. "I promise to fall in love again." She finally added sobbing.
"Now that you said it out loud you have to follow through."
"I know."
"Cor, my time is almost up. I only have a few minutes left."
"Don't leave me again."
"I love you so damn much Cordelia. I love you more than I ever thought possible. You have made me so happy."
" I love you too Angel." He cupped her face in his hands, leaned forward and kissed her gently. No tongues or slobber, just a slow, tender open mouth kiss that was full of the love that they felt for each other. Suddenly he was gone and she was alone. She lifted her fingers to her still tingling lips.
"Okay Angel, I won't let you down. Thank you for saving me." She whispered tearfully into the empty room.
--
"Your welcome sweetheart." Angel whispered from above. He happily watched as she went to their children and put them in bed with her. He knew without a doubt that she would be okay. She was a survivor. She was after all, Cordelia Chase Angel.
"Good work vampire." Came that annoying voice again.
"Now can we please can get started with my eternal damnation?"
"Would you like a few more minutes to watch your family?"
"No, I'm done. I've seen all I want to see. It hurts too much to see them."
"As you wish vampire."
"I love you Cordy." He said as he was sent hurtling into hell.