My Sorry Life Chapter 9, a twilight fanfic

Okay here it is chapter 9 of My Sorry Life. this chapter hold so much emotion in it, and you will see that Bella will be questioning herself...a lot, I'm going to have to ask you to note these and take them to heart that in this position she might seem dark. Also one point goes to Burning innocence93 who find the small surprise in here.

I sighed and turned on the big bed in the guest room of the Jacksons house. I didn't want to do anything, I couldn't do anything, my heart hurt to much. After Leah had decided I had taken her back to Charlie's house as I had promised and then once I was sure she had closed the door and went o our room I pulled back out and drove over to the Jackson's house.

When I had made it into the house I was exhausted both mentally and physically. I had found the closest bedroom and flopped onto the bed, I was out like a light.

But as I laded here now, my eyes open, my hands crunching the cream cover sheets, and tears slowly finding their way down my cheeks. That time last night continued to play over and over again, almost like it was a broken record.

"Bella please don't make me chose, you can't do this to me." Leah pleaded. She can't be that desperate to not pick between us.

I looked her in the eyes, they were filled to the brim with tears. My heart clenched, how could I be causing this much pain, the amount was uncountable though to how much pain those chocolate brown eyes held. I was serious though, I couldn't take much more of her switching, not only was it sickening and made her look like a slut but it wasn't fair to neither me or Jacob. It's not possible, she can't do this to me to Jacob, I won't let this happen.

"Leah you can't have us both, it's either him or me. Take your pick." I said.

She was slowly taking steps back, she was leaving she knew I was serious now, and didn't want to make this decision. I took a step forward, my eyes flickered to Jacob who had managed to find some balance on his feet. I smiled, I won't lie it felt good to see him in some pain. This doesn't make me a sadist, right? It was normal to feel this pure hatred for the man dating the girl you love, but was it normal to want to kill him. Have him gasping for air as my hands tightened around his neck, and watch the life slip from his dark brown eyes. I shake my head, I don't know anymore, nothing is normal for me anymore, and never was really.

I stopped short of no more than a foot away from Leah. From the corner of my eye I could see everyone slowly making their way back home. The party was over finally, but it had taken to long and couldn't prevent this solution from happening. I saw Emily standing by the trail with Sam, it would take them back up to their house., or so I thought from my knowledge. I had never really been to any of the packs houses other than Leah's a few times.

As I stared at Emily I saw only one thing in her eyes, one thing that made me so anger yet made me realize the delicate of this situation, sympathy. It wasn't directed at me I noticed after another minute, it was at Leah. Of course I hadn't been unaware of their small chat before all this started, and really I'm surprised they even talked.

"Do what your heart tells you." I managed to hear her say thanks to my heighten hearing.

After that she was gone, walking away with Sam to their house. My attention was drawn back to Leah and Jacob soon enough though, and my anger was back. Part of it directed towards Jacob and the other half at myself. How could I have been so stupid to have made a scene, to have exposed myself to them. I hadn't come straight out and phased, but I had done something just as bad I had taken one of

Jacob's punches when a mere human wouldn't have even been able to stand a full forced shove from him. I glared daggers at him, this was entirely his fault. If he hadn't made such a big deal about something he knew nothing about none of this would have happened. That was a lie, this would have still happened but it would have been during a more appropriate time. A time where I would be able to sit down and talk this through with Leah.

Finally I looked back at Leah, awaiting her answer. My unconditional love for her couldn't be matched by Jacob's lust, and glee of my pain. I had enough love for her it swallowed his whole like Mobbydick swallowed Captains leg.

"Leah." I whispered taking another step closer until I was close enough my hands could rest on her hips, "I won't hate you if you chose him over me, this is your choice and no one else, if I'm not the one and I sure hope I am, I'll understand."

I smiled when i felt her relax into my arms. I let my head rest in the crook of her neck, taking in her strawberry shampoo. I felt at total bliss right now, just me and her. I knew it wouldn't last long so I made do of this moment right her. It wasn't long before I could feel her breaking down. Drops of water hitting my shoulder and collar bone, and her nails digging into my back muscles as she hanged onto me for dear life. I was at a lost, I'm not good when it comes to people crying, especially Leah. The girl alone was a mystery left to be told, but a crying Leah that was like trying to figure out Sherlock Homes, it just wasn't possible. So I did any other time, I wrapped my arms around her and held her as she cried.

My heart was clenching and turning violently in my chest at her small lamenting. Finally she pulled away, and I let her unrelentingly though. Her teats now stained my shoulder and her small cries were the only thing I could hear in my head.

I wonder if she had wanted this to happen, my love for her this weird love line that had adapted to us. She must have known this would have been the outcome. Why would she wish this pain upon herself, upon Jacob, me, her- us? None of this added up. She had to understand that I didn't mean to hurt her, that I didn't want this for her or me-us.

Once she was completely out of my reach, her arms wrapped around her in a hug, a lonesome hug. The tears had left their mark on her beautiful smooth skin and I dammed them to hell, or at least I would have if water could go there.

"I can't." she whispered finally.

"I can't do this, please don't make me do this!" she begged to me.

I hung my head, could I really be the cause of so much pain, was she like this because of me. Jacob had been right in some way, everything between had been perfect, more than perfect until I some how got in between it all. I wonder if she realized that she could go back to those days, did I even realize she could. If she did, I'm not sure if I could handle it, it would feel like I was starting over my addiction all over again. I was trapped in a world that hated me.

"You see what you've cause Bella." he managed to pant out, the next he hissed out, "Your nothing but a taboo, everything you come into reach with will wither up and die."

I took deep breaths, he was right. I mean look at the Cullens as soon as I had left them, everything for them had gone good and back to normal. Does that mean I was the reason mom and Charlie split up, had I been such a mistake that it had ruined their marriage? Would it be better if I just died?

"It would be better if you just died, that way no one would have to suffer as we have." Jacob said.

I gave a small whimper, it was like he could read my mind. I looked over to Leah, she was frozen still, her eyes trained on me, but not really seeing me. Would she care if I died? No, maybe it's just best that I stay away from La Push, the Pack, the Cullens, and Charlie and Sue. I always knew as a child I wasn't much of anything, that one day my world would come crashing down and I would be left with nothing.

"Leah do you want me to leave?" I finally asked, and though I was well rested I was panting.

She stated at me, this time seeing me. Her eyes were wide and her face was set a place of confusion and shock.

"Do you want me to leave and never come back?." I asked again.

Jacob laughed and answered for her, "Of course she does, why the he'll would she pick dirt like you over someone like me!"

I flinched unknowingly at his words. They were harsh and cut me like a knife, where had the Jacob in front of me been hiding. It seems I'm not the only one that had changed. Jacob's eyes held a craze look in them I feared for Leah's safety right then.

"I want... I want you to leave." I turned, Leah stood shaking.

My anger had long since vanished and I had no one to blame, I had forced get to chose and she had chosen. I nodded and though my heart was broken and maybe never to be repaired I gave a smile. And it grew wider as I saw the grin Jacob was wearing disappear and be replaced with a frown at my smile.

"If that's what you want." I turned and without looking back I walked to my mustang.

I locked the car doors and drove off, never to return to La Push or any where near Charlie's house to here. I would stay at the Jackson's house from now on. I was twenty-three it was about time I moved

out of Charlie's house now anyways.

Another tear slide down my face at the memory and I cursed myself for showing weakness. I sighed and threw the covers off my body and headed for the full adjoined bathroom. Picking up only the clothing I would change into. Though my world had come to a pause that didn't mean everyone else had, work started in two hours.

I picked out something fancy, and formal. Some white slacks, a dark blue button up shirt, and a white blazer jacket seemed to be good enough. My second closet here at the Jackson's was already starting to make this room my own. I would need something to keep me busy when I got back so shopping for things would do the trick of turning this room into my own. Hopefully work would be enough to help me forget, maybe even a shot or two.

I said my hellos to Caremon and David as I walked past them down stairs. They sat snuggled together on the couch, watching what looked to be a romantic comedy. My heart clenched and I turned my head, it was painful watching them. Now I know how Edward felt. I entered the kitchen next where I found Lucy reading a magazine.

She looked at me her eyes drenched with worry and I couldn't meet them. I couldn't meet them, couldn't let her see the pain I was in. But I know she knew, ever since I had been branded my connection with her had deepened, she in fact had the deepest connection with me. But when her tiny body pulled me towards her and her arms wrapped around me, And the gate was broken. Everything I had just bundled up and pushed to the back of my mind came spilling free. My arms held onto her tightly much like Leah had done with me two days ago.

She held me tightly, and whispered soothing words to me like my mother would. Finally I managed to stop my tears, and pull away. I smiled down at Lucy and she gave my arm a squeeze.

"Do you want me to come with you." she whispered.

I didn't need to think it over, I was emotionally unstable, I would need somebody there for me. I nodded and she kissed my forehead before going back upstairs to change. During that time Peter had come down in a robe, the man was a zombie without his coffee. I would have to remember to pull a prank on him one day. It wasn't long before Lucy came back down in something mire suitable for where we were going.

She gave Peter a quick kiss and then we were in my car driving to the Casino I worked at. I would be working the music today, and that means I would be singing. It wouldn't be my first time but the feeling of nervousness never went away. I quickly made sure I remembered the lyrics to the songs I was going to sing and then finally let myself relax into the silence.

I stepped up onto the stage microphone in hand and my hand stuffed into my pocket. As I stared into the crowd I noticed just how packed it was today. I spotted Lucy at the bar a small group of men around her, I smiled. Suddenly the nervousness was gone and I looked behind me making sure the musicians were ready. Today Lucy would see a side of me that I rarely showed to anyone. I took a deep breath and then started.

Look, we gotta talk
Dang, I know, I know, but it's, it's just
There're some things I gotta get off chest, alright?
Yeah, listen

Baby, come in, sit down, let's talk
I got a lot to say so I guess I'll start by
Sayin' that I love you
But you know this thing ain't been a walk in the park for us

I swear it'll only take a minute
You'll understand when I finish, yeah
And I don't want to see you cry
But I don't want to be the one to tell you a lie so

How do you let go when you
You just don't know what's on
The other side of the door
When you're walking out? Talk about it

And everything I tried to remember to say
Just went out my head
So I'ma do the best I can to get you to understand
'Cause I know

There's never a right time to say goodbye
But I gotta make the first move
'Cause if I don't you gonna start hating me
'Cause I really don't feel the way I once felt about you
Girl it's not you, it's me
I kinda gotta figure out what I need, oh

There's never a right time to say goodbye
But we know that we gotta go our separate ways
And I know it's hard but I gotta do it and it's killing me
'Cause there's never a right time, right time to say goodbye

Girl, I know your heart is breaking
And a thousand times I found myself asking, "Why? Why?"
Why am I taking so long to say this?
But trust me, girl I never meant to crush your world and I never
Thought I would see the day we'd grow apart

And I wanna know how do you let go when you
You just don't know what's on
The other side of the door
When you're walking out? Talk about it

Girl I hope you understand what I'm tryna say
We just can't go on pretending that we get along
Girl how you not gonna see it?

There's never a right time to say goodbye
But I gotta make the first move
'Cause if I don't you gonna start hating me
'Cause I really don't feel the way I once felt about you
Girl it's not you it's me
I kinda gotta figure out what I need, oh

Listen to your heart, girl you know we should be apart
Baby I, I just can't do it, I, I just can't do it
Listen to your heart, girl you know we should be apart
Baby I, I just can't do it and sometimes it makes me wanna cry

Ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ooh
Ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ooh
(Do you hear me crying?)
Ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ooh
(Oh, oh)
Ooh ooh
(There's never a right time!)
Ooh ooh

There's never a right time to say goodbye
But I gotta make the first move
'Cause if I don't you gonna start hating me
'Cause I really don't feel the way I once felt about you
Girl it's not you it's me
I kinda gotta figure out what I need, oh

I did one more song before I took a break and grabbed some water. I took a shot of vodka, just enough to calm my nerves though. As I went back up on stage I grabbed my microphone again and prepared myself for my last song.

Closed off from love, I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough and it was all in vain
Time starts to pass, before you know it you're frozen

But something happened for the very first time with you
My heart melted to the ground, found something true
And everyone's looking 'round, thinking I'm going crazy

But I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away but they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing

You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear but they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears, try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal is to keep me from falling

But nothing's greater than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness I see your face
Yet everyone around me thinks that I'm going crazy
Maybe, maybe

But I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away but they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing

You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it's draining all of me
Oh, they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars for everyone to see

I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away but they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing

You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love

You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love

I sighed everything after that was quite uneventful. My day went by like a blur as well as the next one and the next one. But I was happen I had sang those song they allowed me to put all the emotions I felt for Leah into three songs. Thankfully Lucy had nothing to worry about and was able to get slightly tipsy that day. I made a mental note to watch her whenever I brought her to... well anywhere that sold alcohol.

The ending kind of sucks I know. I couldn't find exactly how to do this chapter and I kind of just let it go as I typed away on my ipod which is why there might be a lot of mistakes. the first songs is Say Goodbye by Chris Brown, the second is Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis, and the one that I didn't really put in there was suppose to be Tattoo by Jordin Sparks. All mistakes are my own, and might always be, please Review and tell me what you think of the new Jacob and the way Leah has been acting.