AN: This one's from Edward's POV.

I was sitting at a table in the cafeteria, pretending to eat lunch with my 'family', when the new girl walked into the room. Staring across the vast hall at me with wide eyes, she obviously was unable to focus on anything at all due to my blinding immortal beauty. Inevitably, she crashed into a trolley of lunch trays and went down, cracking her head on the counter as she did so.

"Like, oh my gosh!" Alice, my adopted sister, giggled. "I totally saw that one coming!"

Everyone rolled their eyes. It was well known that, even if Alice did have the gift of seeing into the future, she wasn't exactly the sharpest crayon in the box. Even though some people like to think she's a deep and strong character, her favourite activities nullify any evidence for the former: Alice loves to throw parties, give people make-overs, and blow enough cash to feed Africa for a year on shopping sprees. Much like our adopted brother Emmett – he isn't the brightest tool in the shed, but he is certainly a tool. To emphasise my point, Emmett gave a loud whooping noise and pumped his fist in the air, grinning all round at us with wide eyes.

Rosalie, Emmett's mate, who is the beautifullest most sexy girl in the entire world, snarled at Emmett. Rosalie has absolutely no reason for existing, except for being pissy all the time. She's pissy because her life's goal is to have a baby, like every woman should want, and she can't have one because she'd effectively dead. This is amusing, because I can have children, which is biologically impossible. It's okay, though – we can't all be scientists, right, Stephenie Meyer? Anyway, hell, maybe it's Alice who shouldn't be alive. She's never expressed a desire to have children, and what good are women if not merely a uterus on legs? Our creator, The Supreme Goddess, otherwise known as Stephenie Meyer, has shown us that the only good thing about women is that they are 98 degrees and have two wet holes, and of course that they cook dinner and clean house for their police chief fathers.

There's not much to say about my other adopted brother, Jasper. He never really does or says anything interesting, just sits around looking melancholy and listening to The Used. You're probably wondering why four vampires were sitting in the middle of a school cafeteria filled with humans, too. The answer: we don't eat humans. We are "vegetarians", so we only eat things like bears, tofu, mountain lions, stray dogs, and the occasional toad.

At any rate, I noticed something strange when I was staring right at the new girl (her name was Stella Bon, or some stupid human name). I couldn't hear her thoughts.

I should explain. All vampires have this amazing gift. Apart from us being incredibly beautiful, sexy, hot, sexy, gorgeous, stunning, hot, beautiful, amazing, gorgeous, hot, sexy, hot, and transcendentally gorgeous, we're also fast, faster than a runaway cattle train, faster than a bullet rolling down a hill, and of course much, much faster than a cheetah with three legs and no eyes. We're also strong, stronger than a jet of pressurised water, stronger than a termite-riddled tree, stronger than those guys who can pick up cars on Guinness World Records, even. And each of us has some kind of amazing gift that only vampire can have, like seeing into the future, changing the moods of a crowd, hitting the center of the dart board in one go, or baking a soufflé without buggering it up. I can read people's minds.

But I couldn't read hers.

"Hey guys," I murmured to my family. Immediately all their attention was focused on me. As it should be: I am the Golden Boy of the series, after all.
"What's with the new girl?"
All of them shrugged.
"I can't see into her head," I continued.
"She doesn't look, like, smart or anything," Alice said. "Maybe she's like, really dumb. Maybe that's why you can't see into her head, and stuff."

I looked over at the new girl. She was trying to use the counter to lever herself up off the ground. Instead, she grabbed somebody's lunch tray, slipped, and landed one more flat on her back; this time with a becoming wig of spaghetti bolognese and a pattern of yoghurt-splatters on her shabby jeans. After several unsuccessful tries, I decided it was time to intervene.

I headed over to her. She was lying on the floor in tears. Fair enough, too, everyone in the cafeteria was in hysterics over her little performance. Because I'm so serious and have no sense of humour, I wasn't laughing. I grabbed her hand and pulled her to her feet, wrinkling my nose as I did so. Eew. She smelt like bacon cooked in piss. Or garbage rotting in the sun. In any case, it wasn't pleasant.

"Th – thankyou," she gasped. She was kind of stooped over, staring right into my eyes with a deer-in-the-headlight expression.
"You're welcome," I said, gagging a little. I turned to leave, but she reached out and put her hand on my arm. I shuddered in revulsion.
"My name's Bella, Bella Swan," she said urgently, like it was something of great importance.
"Er… cool."
Bella was staring at me expectantly.
"Oh. I'm, uh, Edward… Cullen."
"Soo nice to meet you," she gushed.

Uh-oh. This never bodes well.

"Do you want to hear my theories?" Bella said.
"Not really, I kind of have to…"
"You're in love with me, because of my human fragility and my endearing clumsiness. That's got to be it, right? I have no other redeeming qualities – I'm not pretty, popular, clever, strong-willed, or virtuous in any way. Besides, you're sooo pretty! The hot guy always falls for the common, unpopular girl. It happens in real life all the time."
"Wait, what – "
"Shh, Edward… it's okay, I'd rather die than live without you…"

I sighed. She'd given me an ultimatum. Seeing as I had no intention of hanging around her more than I could possibly avoid, it would be best to do as she wished. I am a man of my word, after all.

I took her by the hand and lead her out of the cafeteria. Nobody was around. Bella's eyes sparkled as she leant in for a kiss. I gave her a quick uppercut to the face, and her head flew off her shoulders and rolled away into the bushes.

Once the great gouts of blood had ceased flowing from her neck, I got down on my hands and knees and hoovered up the blood off the cement walkway, then strung her body up in a nearby tree. As soon as all the evidence was disposed of, I dusted off my hands and nonchalantly walked back into the cafeteria, whistling a merry tune.