Jacob Black flicked his long, luscious hair over his shoulder and heaved a great sigh. It just was not fair. His favourite motorcycle helmet had been lost, and the only one he had left was a shiny pink one with flower stickers all over it. Come to think of it, Jacob didn't mind it that much. In fact, he was very in touch with his feminine side, and he actually liked pink. But it was so poetic and trendy to be depressed. The helmet wasn't the only problem. Jacob's father, Billy Black, had forbidden him from getting a lip piercing. Can you imagine? Poor Jacob Black, forever to be barred from having metal shoved painfully through his lower face, was quite in the depths of despair.

"It's just not fair," Jacob muttered to himself as he slumped down on his bed. Everyone had lip piercings these days, and Jacob wanted to express his individuality by following the trend. His father just didn't understand. Soon enough, because he was so depressed, his mind turned to other, more pressing, matters. Like Bella Swan. Bella was so perfect, beautiful, clever and amazing, and Jacob lusted over her the way only fourteen-year-olds can. But she was in love with another man. Jacob's lip trembled, and tears filled his eyes. He stuck one hand under his bed and rummaged for a bus ticket, sobbing pathetically. With the thin edge of the paper, he attempted to cut his wrists. The paper crumpled in his hand, and he sobbed even louder.

"Why? Why aren't I good enough?" Jacob sobbed to himself. "Why does nobody want or understand me?" Unfortunately, he had nobody to talk to about his feelings, because he was the only person in the world who'd ever been upset or felt the bite of unrequited love. Truly, nobody understood his deep and enduring pain. Poor, poor Jacob.

"I know!" Jacob exclaimed (he had a rather unsettling habit of talking to himself aloud in times of great duress). "I'll write poetry. I'll explain my eternal love and devotion and express the fathomless depths of my bitter, wretched pain." (Or something to that effect.) He pulled a notepad towards him, located a pencil under his bed, and sat there chewing his lip.

As he wrote, crossed things out and made amends, he talked to himself.

"Oh Bella, my perfect goddess… no, that's stupid. Oh Bella, my divine goddess, my heart aches with love for you. No, that's gay, she won't like that. Hmm. Maybe I should try something else," Jacob mused, and sat for a moment in contemplation. After a few minutes, he picked up his pencil again.
"My heart is a deep black hole. No – my heart is a deep grave…"

It took him a while to finish. When he was done, he sat back and grinned in triumph as he re-read it. If Bella didn't fall for him after this, he would eat his shiny pink helmet.

***

The next day, after Bella came out of school, Jacob was waiting for her beside her hideous truck. Bella smiled warmly as she approached.
"Hi, Jacob," she gushed. "What are you doing here?"
"Hey Bells," Jacob replied. He did a quick area check to make sure Edward was nowhere in sight before continuing. "I brought you something. Here." He shoved the envelope containing the poem into Bella's hands and blushed profusely, scuffing his feet in embarrassment. Bella opened the envelope and read the poem.

Dear Bella, I wrote this for you.

My heart
Is like a deep grave
Where I bury my love for you
My love that will last forever
And is undead
And like a zombie
You can't kill it.
I burn with sorrow
Like a black rose
That bleeds blood in the graveyard at midnight
Like the depths of my despair
Midnight, I mean
Anyway, I love you a lot
More than Romeo loved Juliet… or whatever?
If your shit was on fire
I would piss in your ass
Because my love for you
Is like a black hole like
My heart (thatburnswithsorrow).

Love JACOB XXX

Bella looked up at Jacob and her eyes with filled with love. She smiled slowly, and Jacob's pulse sped up.
"Well… what do you think?" Jacob asked. He couldn't tear his eyes away from her deep, deep, shiny, pretty, glowing, nice, really pretty, shiny, deep eyes. Bella dropped her gaze, blushed, and then looked up at Jacob through her eyelashes.

"Oh Jacob," she sighed, "I love a man who drinks from the toilet."