Author's Note: A world of thanks to Jkane180 for her tireless work, not only as my beta, but as my go-to-girl for researching masturbation euphemisms. Thank you to wordslinger for creating Sonja.
"I think I've given up smoking," I mentioned randomly to Dr. Banner. "If I'm not going to be a vampire, I probably should care more about my mortality."
The good doctor looked at me in a tired sort of way and put down his notes. "I can't help you."
"Oh, I don't need help. I'm going to do the cold turkey thing. It's really the only way."
He shook his head. "No, Bella. You're not getting any better here. If anything, you've lost yourself completely now."
This was a shitty day to have quit smoking. Suddenly, I was hyper-aware that there was nothing in my mouth. I ran my tongue across my teeth frantically and when that didn't satisfy my oral fixation, I chewed on my finger. I'd lost my all-access pass to lupine cock to Cum Bucket. Sparkly vampire cock wasn't an option anymore either thanks to DJ Jazzy Death. All I had was my finger.
What was I thinking about, again? Oh, right...
"You suck, Dr. Banner! What kind of Clinical Psychologist are you?"
"Isabella," he said gently. "How long have you been here?"
"No fucking clue."
"Do you know who you are?"
"Isabella Flanagan," I said automatically.
"What have you been working at since your arrival?"
I drew a blank. Caught between action and reaction, I chewed on my finger like I was chewing on my words. I felt utterly ambiguous.
"Bella?"
"Yeah?" I stalled.
"Can you tell me what you've been working at."
"Yeah," I muttered, the tip of my finger still between my lips. "I've been trying to become Bella Swan."
"How is that working out for you?"
"Shit, not good, Doc. I think I've destroyed her completely."
He smiled. "You do realize that one of you has to be destroyed. You can't co-exist."
"Nah-uh."
-({})-
They say hindsight is twenty-twenty. I'm not sure about foresight, though. Reading about the events that were supposed to take place in my life after Edward left me, gave me super-human eyesight.
Bella Swan is a selfish weakling, I decided and tore New Moon along the spine. Like me, it was spineless too now. How could I have just left Jake like that? I mean, yes, I had to get to Italy in order to save Edward's life...but hadn't Jacob saved mine?
And after the confrontation with those terrible Italian vampires, I continued to act like a douche bag. So grateful that Edward wasn't a hallucination, I welcomed him back without any reservations and proceeded to demand to be changed; to give up my human life completely.
Selfish! No thoughts of what my death would have done to my parents. Charlie would have been destroyed. He would have spent the rest of his life blaming himself for his perceived failure at protecting me. He would have atrophied, alone in his little house with no one to care for him. He certainly would lose the will to take care of himself.
My mother would have blamed him too. Unlike Charlie, Renee would have survived and moved on. Not that she didn't love me. I knew she did; it's just that she was so much like a child herself. Eventually, my death would be an unpleasant memory she repressed with her fantasies.
Hm, maybe we were related after all...
Poor Jacob; he would be another story, altogether. For Jacob, who knew the truth about what had happened to me, it would be much worse. To him, my death would have been a mercy in comparison to my transformation.
A nurse pulled back the curtain that surrounded my bed, shattering my reverie. I blinked as the natural light flooded my pupils and noticed that the sound of crickets outside my window was now replaced with the incessant cooing of morning doves. I had reached the start of the epilogue, staying awake to read, and night had transformed into dawn somewhere along the way.
"Breakfast," the nurse said, placing the tray over me like I was an invalid.
"Thanks," I muttered absently, still taken aback by the soft voice that belonged to Flanagan.
"Oh, are you reading New Moon?"
Nodding weakly, I tried to ignore her so that I could finish the last few pages.
"Team Edward or Team Jacob?"
"Excuse me?"
She unbuttoned her blue shirt, revealing a shirt with Team Jacob emblazoned across the chest, just above a very serious-faced boy, trying and failing to achieve a 'come hither' smouldering expression.
"Who's that?"
The nurse raised her eyebrows and spoke to me like I was daft. "Jacob Black."
"Ha! He wishes," I smirked.
Abruptly, I remembered what had happened to Paris when Romeo came back. The stage directions were simple: They fight. Paris falls.
"What happens to Jacob at the end of the next book?"
"You haven't read it?" The nurse removed the knife from my tray for some reason.
"Um, not exactly."
"Victoria creates an army of newborns. The wolves fight alongside the Cullens and Jake gets hurt."
"Why-why are they fighting Victoria?"
"Because she's after Bella."
"Yeah, I know, but why is everyone involved?" I choked despondently.
"Jeez, chicka. Don't cry; Bella survives."
I shook my head so roughly I nearly gave myself whiplash. The Bella Swan in the book didn't deserve my tears. "Does everyone survive?" I covered my eyes with my hands, bracing for her response.
"Yeah, sugar plum. Everyone survives. Bella and Edward live to love another day and spawn their half-breed bundle of joy."
I sighed deeply and then-
"Wait, what?"
-({})-
My new meds were too mild. It was uncomfortable to feel this awake in my current predicament. Also, the great hunger ravaged my nicotine deprived body. If Swan ever did manage to get her body back, she probably wouldn't be pleased about the way I'd abused it.
I dragged my now expanded ass into the cafeteria and nearly lost my appetite when I saw Jake and Sonja, practically sexing it up on the Formica table.
"Hey, Flanny!"
"Shit and fuck and stuff," I muttered, grabbing a tray of food. "Sonja, you're making me nuts."
"Well, then I'm not trying very hard because you're already a raving lunatic. C'mere bitch."
There was no fucking way I was going to sit down with Cum Bucket and Jake like everything was coming up roses.
Ah, shit, though, it was like watching a train wreck. Sonja's hand was working my ex-boy-toy under the table and Jake was making his sex face, trying meekly to ward off his imprint's advances.
"Bells," he gasped.
"Fuck you, Black. Don't be saying another bitches name while my hand is on your dick." Sonja paused her five-knuckle-shuffling to smack his cheek. The dickhead offered her a wicked grin in response. That smile used to belong to me!
"A plague 'o both your houses," I spat.
"Bella, wait!" Jake tried to stand up to approach me but his massive hard-on made it difficult for him to move.
"Hey, look, it's fine." I shook my head and tried not to cry like a fur-burger-licking pussy. "I'm happy for you, Jake. She's a crazy bitch, that Cum Bucket, but you're better off with her than with me. Her affections are not divided. Besides, if we were meant to be, you would have imprinted on me as soon as you went wolf."
"Bella," Jake snapped.
"Wolf?" Sonja's manic eyes widened. "Tell me more."
"Oops."
-({})-
By the time I reached the end of Eclipse, I was blubbering like a baby. Jacob's parting shots echoed in my mind, as if had screamed them directly into my ear: If the silence in my head lasted, I would never go back. I wouldn't be the first one to choose this form over the other. Maybe, if I ran far enough away, I would never have to hear again… I pushed my legs faster, letting Jacob Black disappear behind me.
Oh, god. I had to get back, somehow. I had to fix things with Jake...even if I'd lost Edward forever, I had to make sure Jake didn't suffer the fate he did in the books.
"Izzy?"
Gregory lifted me onto his lap and looked at me with astonished eyes. "Are you remembering, baby? Should I get the doctor?"
I shook my head and snuggled against his chest. Why? Because I'm selfish and needy. Certainly, he didn't belong to me, but Flanagan had taken all that did. I would get my own in trade. Raising my head, I wrapped my arms around his neck.
"Kiss me," I demanded and drew his lips to mine. He groaned licked at my mouth, keeping his eyes open.
"Why do you kiss with your eyes open?"
He smiled and touched my cheek. "Because it makes my cock hard to watch you kiss me."
Hey, Flanny. Can you hear me? I'm about to fuck your husband, so you better come take your body back.
Author's Notes: Reviewers always receive previews from me. Do you have a favourite masturbation or hand job euphemism? Do share!
Shameless begging and pimping: Ahem, so you may have heard this crazy rumour that BBS is a finalist in the Indie Twific Awards (link on my profile to make voting for me super convenient.) I'd also like to pimp Moonshadow by Chef Diamondheart. I love all of you crazy bitches, even the demanding fuckers. Yeah, you know who you are :) Flamers can kindly (insert euphemism here.)
PS: Next time you're stressed, try saying "Shit and fuck and stuff."