Author's Note: Strap yourselves in and get ready for some weird. Spectacular Pussy Words in this chapter provided by fanfiction juggernauts, angstgoddess003 and ninapolitan c/o twitter. Colour me tickled purple! Also p-words from bforqueen (just posted her first fanfic so lover her up), jkane180 (my beta bitch) and profitina. Come play with us on twitter.

A little mouse-like squeak escaped my lips when I meant to cry, scream, kill and make love to him, all at the same time. Instead, I emitted a tiny eek!

"You can't just expect to come out from under that bed and everything will be alright," I whispered. My intention was to sound angry. "I've been in Hell."

"May I hold you?"

Yes!

"What's the point? You'll just leave again, the next time that Jasper tries to take a bite out of me." Lowering my feet to the ground, I tried to stand up, but every muscle in my body was kinked. I cried out, despite my pitiful attempt to retain some self-respect. Edward's cold hand shot out from under the bed and grabbed my ankle, causing me to trip forward.

"Fuck!"

In a flash, I was cradled in his arms and he was glaring at me.

"Come back to me," he pleaded.

"Um, I'm right here."

"Fight your way back, love."

"I'm here!" I growled, struggling weakly against the iron grip of his arms. "Don't you even know the difference?"

"Bella?" His voice was exasperated, and he released me from his rough embrace.

"Yes?"

"I- I wasn't sure it was you. You swore."

"Well, I was in pain. I was frustrated. It happens sometimes." Covering my face with my hands in aggravation, I tried to decipher the meaning behind his sudden appearance. Really, I should have been elated but suspicion clouded my emotions. I splayed my fingers so that I could peek at his face, the beautiful face that I had missed so much for so long now. He appeared to contemplate my face too, before doing that sinus, nose-bridge, pinchy thing that he always did whenever my behaviour proved to be incorrigible for him.

"What are you doing here, Edward?" Point-blank was my best offence.

"Carlisle told me that Jacob imprinted."

The air was literally knocked from me. I inhaled quickly but couldn't fill my lungs properly. "What?" I wheezed dumbly.

"You weren't aware?" Edward was horrified. Clearly, he hadn't intended on hurting me with the news. Also, I wasn't sure why I was so devastated.

"Who..."

"Bella," he soothed. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I know this is hard for you. I could kill him for putting you through this-"

"Stop it." I covered his lips with my hand, and he kissed my fingers. "It's just a surprise."

"Would you like me to find him for you?"

I shook my head numbly. "As long as he's happy."

"Bella," he whispered, and I allowed him to draw me back against his crisp, cool shirt. It smelled sweet and clean, despite the timeshare space he had apparently purchased under my bed as of late.

"It can't be very comfortable under there," I mused, idly wondering if both of us would fit.

-({})-

"Isabella?"

Twirling a strand of blond hair around my finger, I grunted in acute concentration. Everything was clear: the ward, the bed, the crappy American cigarettes on the nightstand. If I squinted my eyes, I could see Edward gazing at me irreverently from under the bed.

Cocksucker. Leave us alone. We don't need you.

Swan, that bloody stench trench, had the gall to force me back into oblivion...or away from oblivion? Whatever. Here I am. Back from Wonderland. Unplugged from the Matrix. Afraid and hateful.

"Isabella!"

The walls dissolved and I was in a soulless office with absolutely no distinguishing characteristics worth mentioning. It was positively evil in its banality.

"Dr. Shapiro? When did you get here?"

"Isabella, I've been trying to speak with you for twenty minutes now. What are you thinking about?"

"I have some new theories." The proverbial Leather Couch in a psychiatrist's office was a misnomer. There was no fucking couch in this room. The chair I sat in was covered with laminated vinyl or some other cheap-ass shit.

"I think we should step away from the postulating. We need to discuss what happened to you."

"Nah. I think a certain amount of repression is healthy."

"Isabella," Dr. Shaprio said sharply, "do you really believe that you're healthy?"

"I don't believe that I belong here so my health is of little consequence. I need to get back to the Twiverse to make things right."

"Isabella. I'm going to speak plainly now, and you are going to listen!"

"Jeez, no need to shout. I'm not deaf, asshole." I tried to jump to my feet but it was hot as holy hell in the stuffy office, and my bare thighs were stuck to the chair. Peeling my skin away from the cushion slowly, I tried to maintain an indignant expression. "Go for it. Speak nice and plain. We'll see if my itsy brain cells can keep up."

"I wasn't trying to undermine your intelligence."

"You have a gerbil dick," I spat, for no reason I could think of. Instantly, the doctor crossed his legs and bowed his head. Small dick accusations were the best way to evade an unwelcomed conversation. Well, fucking him would have probably worked too, but I didn't want his pencil dick anywhere near Fuckingham Palace. Oh, that was a good pussy word! Jess had told me that one before she was discharged. Ew, I just thought 'discharge' and 'pussy' back-to-back.

"I'm not fucking you," I added for clarification.

"Isabella. The police have found him."

"Found who?"

"You know who," he insisted. "Try to remember."

"What, are we playing Blue's Clues here? I don't have the soggiest."

"Your attacker. The police have a positive DNA match."

My stomach threatened to empty. Turning away from Dr. Shapiro, I heaved several times, but expelled nothing except bitter saliva.

"Do you think that I could Quantum Leap into the True Blood universe? I mean, I've thought about it before, but only recently discovered how powerful I really am."

Delusions of Grandeur, Dr. Shapiro scribbled on his note pad.

I tried to run from the room, but my feet were frozen in place. Swan, I hissed. Get back here now or I will fuck up your shit. You have no idea.

"Are you listening, Isabella?"

"I don't care," I muttered and tried to tear at my scalp to distract myself with pain. Someone had cut my nails too short to do any real damage.

"You need to identify him."

I shook my head and said, "Go fuck a duck."

"I have a line-up of photos that the OPP couriered over this morning." He removed a manila envelope from his briefcase and handed it to me.

"I don't want to do this," I insisted and started tapping my heels together, willing myself away. "I'm so done with this shit."

Dr. Shapiro took the envelope and unsheathed a glossy photo. It looked so harmless.

"That's it?"

"It's just a photo. It can't hurt you," he assured me.

"Yeah, I guess."

Just a piece of paper. A picture. Only a picture.

I shouldn't have looked. I knew it. Why the fuck did I look?

At once, I knew him.

"No. It's not fucking possible."

"What is it?" Dr. Shapiro grabbed my arm. I was teetering.

"Jasper."

And that's when things started to get really weird...

-({})-

"Edward," I moaned and threw my head back so that he could taste my neck. "Ow!"

"There's not enough room under the bed." He was laughing against my throat, and I grabbed his hand, pressing it into my cooter.

Did I just think cooter?

"Shit!"

"Bella," he groaned and hitched one of my legs at his hip. "I can't properly make love to you under here."

In a flash we were on the bed. "Edward," I pleaded, "I don't want you to make love to me. I want to be fucked. Fuck me like you would fuck Flanagan."

His eyes narrowed. "You're the same person, love."

"Don't call me 'love.'" I spread my legs and moved my panties aside, gasping when his fingers made contact with my...my... "Pussy words," I cried. "We want pussy words."

"You're both in there?" he asked cautiously, pausing the puppetry work that we were so enjoying.

"She's not forcing me to leave... But she won't let me use my vocabulary when it comes to...pussy. We want pussy words."

Edward brought his head back to my neck and kissed me. I shuddered, feeling a frenzied desire start to build deep within my cunt.

"Velveteen Love Pocket?"

Oh, fuck, that was a good one. "Yes! Get more creative. We don't want to hear 'hairy burrito' this time. Go fucking apeshit on us."

"The Mighty Love Sword's Fleshy Sheath." He kissed down my throat and whispered something that sounded like, "Supermassive Black Hole," against my collarbone. I nearly screamed when his tongue grazed the top of my breast. "Bearded Clam..."

"Get my clothes off. Now."

Buttons went flying and fabric was torn. I nearly came when I registered the fact that a piece of my shirt was in his mouth. He had ripped my shirt off with his teeth. Fuck.

"Please, Edward."

His fingers... Oh, fuck, he must have read a book on finger banging or something. I wasn't certain exactly what he was doing, but somehow he was rubbing my clit and hooking his fingers inside of me at the same time. The holy grail of the cock holster had been discovered and I wasn't sure if either of us had ever been touched like that before.

"What are you... How are you?"

"Does that feel good, lov- er, baby?"

"Shit, call me a 'love.' Call me a fucking 'wizard sleeve hairy potter' or some other Dungeons- and-Dragons-pussy-word, I don't care. Just fuck me, Edward. Fuck me right now!"

"What do you want?"

"I want you inside of me," I whimpered. My pussy would have purred and mewed if it could have.

"What do you want inside of you?"

Is that a trick question?

"No."

Did I say that aloud?

"No."

Since when can you read my mind?

"Since now. Call it by its name."

What do you want me to say?

"Say the C word, Bella. And I don't mean cunt."

Author's Note: Did anyone notice the review button changed? Go ahead and press that bitch. She wants you to click her. I should mention that Little Furry Cannibals guessed that Jasper had some sort of connection to the attacker in the Flanaganverse. She's a clever kitten. I've recently finished a collab with restlessxpen which I'm itching to post but cannot because it's in a blind contest. Read her work. She fuck-tasticly awesome. Big kisses to my Chicken-Banger friends who stuck with me until this chapter. I used to think that a chicken banger was a person who did terribly foul things to fowl...apparently I was wrong. More inappropriate love to feathers.

PS - Any Canadians out there? My beta didn't know what OPP was. Do you?