Ginny was avoiding me. Its telling that I realized this after going only one day without seeing her. When had I adjusted to life with her as almost a constant companion? I was also well and severely depressed. It took a conversation with Ron to make me realize that the two were actually connected.
"Hey Hermione," he said as I came down from the girl's dormitory section of the Gryffindor tower, heading for breakfast. It was two days since my last conversation with Ginny.
"Morning," I said unenthusiastically, wondering how and why I was feeling so down. I didn't even have the energy to think about it very hard.
"Its weird to be asking you this, when its been the other way around, but… are you okay?" he asked, peering at me with concern. There was honest kindness on his face. I felt a rush of gratitude towards him. Only a week or so since he found out I didn't like him, and here he was, being a great friend.
"Oh… I've just been feeling depressed. I haven't seen Ginny in a while. I suppose it's classes," I stopped in the middle of the sentence and stared at him, realized in answering I'd accidentally vocalized what the root of the problem was.
"Hermione?" Ron inquired, looking a little more worried now.
Ginny. I missed her. Why was she avoiding me? I thought back to the last time I'd seen her… the time when we kissed.
"Fuck," I said. Ron stared at me.
Before he could say anything I said, "I have to skip breakfast, Ron, see you in class!"
Then I bolted for the door, knowing that, like yesterday, Ginny would have already left the tower. Where would she be? Not in the Great Hall… nowhere obvious. I thought about the Owlery, but that was too obvious as well. Where could she be hiding? I felt like violently, violently hitting something. Possibly myself. How could I be such an idiot? I thought I'd figured everything out when I realized I was gay, but apparently I hadn't realized what a real crush would feel like. Shit. I hoped I hadn't ruined everything between us.
Suddenly I found myself standing on the steps outside of the Great Hall, overlooking the sweeping lawns outside of the castle. That's when I knew where Ginny would be. I dumped my bag against the castle wall, hoping I would remember where I left it, and took off at a run, my robes flapping behind me, scarf left behind in my school bags but I didn't care.
My hunch was wrong. I stared at the spot where I'd had my first kiss (I wasn't going to count the heterosexual ones as I was not heterosexual) and felt like sobbing. I must have stared at that spot for almost five minutes, my mind numb, before I heard a sound behind me.
I turned around and saw Ginny there, looking nervous and a little like she didn't want to be there, but was there against her will. My heart leaped into my throat and I suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe. Even looking upset, even looking a little frayed and bedraggled, she was beautiful. I'd been noticing it all along, but never realized that my seeing her beauty was something that was a part of me.
"You okay, Hermione?" she asked, sounding worried about me. She must have seen me bolting around Hogwarts looking like I was trying to escape Death, and come out here to find me… even though she was hurting. Because of me. My heart collapsed inwards on itself with guilt and horror and…
"I'm gay," I said, staring at her pleadingly.
She frowned and said, "No you're not."
My emotions stopped, and I peered at her, confused, then finally said, "Why am I not gay?"
She shrugged.
"Ginny, listen," I said, and stepped forward, trying to catch Ginny's eye, trying to get her to look at me. I finally grabbed her chin and forced her to look at me as I said, "I am a lesbian. Totally and completely. And…"
I faltered. A glimmer of hope blossomed in her expression. I dropped my hand, feeling weak and shaky throughout my body as I gazed into the red head's eyes.
"And I want to be with you," I said, "I want…" I looked away, at the sky that was hung with heavy, dark clouds.
"I want you to want me too," I finished.
There was silence. I glanced back at Ginny, then quickly added, "I'm sorry I didn't realize that before."
Her expression was blank, but I saw, beneath that, a volcano of emotions all fighting to be the first one out. Finally her eyebrows lifted a little, her lips twitched, and she peered up at me, questioningly. I smiled at her. The corners of her lips lifted up into a smile as well and I felt warmth flood through me and just that little thing. Her smile. I reached across the distance between us and took her hands in mine. Both our hands were like ice, as neither of us had put on gloves, but I didn't care.
Then I leaned forward and kissed her, quickly wrapping my arms around her waist to pull her close, as her arms wrapped around me. It was the best kiss I'd ever been part of. Part of me, a part of me that I didn't even know doubted, was saying Now you REALLY know. Maybe I had to admit it to someone else before I could really admit it to myself.
OOO
"So what was it about Victor Krum that made you realize you were gay?" Ginny asked, curled up against me as we sat, huddled from the chill, against the walls of Hogwarts. Neither of us was ready to return to the real world yet. I could miss a class or two. For once, I felt that school could wait.
"Well… I think I went out with him because he liked me," I started, resting my head against hers. She was warm. I couldn't seem to get close enough to her to satisfy myself. I had one arm tightly around her waist, the other reached across to tightly hold her hand in mine. My legs were up, knees pointed skyward, and we sat such that our legs touched at every point possible.
"But… then we kissed. And it left me feeling empty," I said and Ginny nodded, "I sort of… wanted his face to be smoother. I would wonder why it was so rough. Stubble. Ew. And his shoulders were too broad. He needed to be more delicate, more shapely… I was sort of thinking maybe he just wasn't my type. It wasn't until I found myself sort of gazing at Fleur Delacour that I realized what shape I wanted him to be. Womanly."
I looked at Ginny and saw her smirking. I found myself grinning back at her, the humor multiplied by the sharing.
"Women, I realized, are far more attractive than men. I kept these thoughts to myself though, because I wasn't really ready to fully acknowledge what that meant. In the muggle world I grew up in, "gay" is synonymous with "stupid" and I've never heard anyone before you talk about it openly. Everyone seemed straight.
"So I kept it to myself, and gently declined visiting Victor Krum that summer, and slowly stopped answering his letters. Back in the safety of my muggle home, away from all my friends, I used the free time I had before going to visit you and Ron and Harry to do a little research in the local public library. It was with trepidation and a little fear that I actually typed the word "sexuality" into the little keyword search box. That's where I found out about GSA's.
"I told my parents, the night of one of the meetings, that I was once more off to the library, on the excuse that I missed muggle reading. They are still a little flustered whenever it comes to Witch stuff, and so give me a little more leniency than I deserve.
"It was this little, out of the way Gay Straight Alliance (I see now we desperately need one here) where I learned I wasn't alone. At least in the Muggle world. Nor was I the first to feel alone. So when I returned to Hogwarts, I was armed with all the facts. Like secret rainbows. And the suicide rate of gay teens compared to straight teens. But coming back to Hogwarts shook me… its not the Muggle world. I thought maybe magic normally keeps everyone straight, or something… fixed our random brain anomaly. And look at Harry and Ron. There was no way I could talk to them…"
"Hmm," Ginny interjected here, but said nothing else, so I continued.
"Then I suddenly realized that the Arithmancy classroom I'd been taking classes in for years was covered in rainbows. So one day, after class, I stayed behind and asked Professor Vector."
I felt Ginny perk up a little at this, and looked down at her. Her eyes met mine and she smiled again, waiting for me to continue.
"'Yes, Miss Granger?' she asked me with a knowing smile as I didn't leave with the other students. I stay behind a lot in that class to ask questions. She thought this was another one of those times.
'It isn't about the homework, actually,' I told her because I was a little nervous, and not quite ready to just ask her if she was gay, though I suppose you just asked me. Hmm.
Anyway, she was wearing rainbow earrings. So I just blurted it out.
'Are there… can wizards and witches be… homosexual?'
She smiled at me and titled her head so her little rainbow earrings swung back and forth and just said, "What do you think?' Very frustrating for a confused girl looking for answers.
I pressed her for more information and she told me that those who don't notice, don't notice. For those who know, it quickly becomes clear that the little, quiet community of witches and wizards that prefer the love of the same gender is actually quite open. Its just no one ever asks. She pointed out Dumbledore for me, and you know, from a more Muggle point of view, and the fact that most Wizards do not dress anywhere near as flamboyantly or extravagantly as Albus Dumbledore, as I had assumed in my first year, the Headmaster does in fact seem kind of flamingly gay.
She also suggested that I started a GSA here, which I fully intended to last year… but I never got around to it. I guess I've been too afraid to try. I mean… it seems like Hogwarts is just oblivious, but the way blood discrimination is so prevalent…"
"Hmm," Ginny said, snuggling closer to me, "Well no one in my year minds. Of the girls, that is."
"I noticed," I said with a smile, "And I suppose that's a good sign."
"Should we tell Harry and Ron?" she asked, sounding a little worried now.
"I'm not sure," I said, "I think so… I don't really want to hide a relationship from them, but I have no idea how they'll react. I'm not sure they're aware homosexuality exists."
Ginny chuckled, and that seemed to be the mutual agreement that it was time to go. So we stood up, and stretched, and shivered, and hurried back into the warmth of the castle, to meet our fate, in a way, I supposed.
A/N: Not the last chapter! :)