Author's Note: Sonja is back! Sonja belongs to wordslinger (I borrowed her from the fic 'Distortion'.) I've been collecting dialogue from wordslinger's emails. That's right, bitch, I really do have a file on you! Thank you to all reviewers, readers, tweeters, and fandom friends who keep me writing. Again, if I didn't respond to a review, let me know. I don't mean to be a bitch. BTW, Jkane180 is the world's best beta. I love her sfm. Ahem...
My room was too fucking crowded. Solace was a luxury that the truly crazy could not afford.
"So you're what, exactly? My babysitter?" Sonja was pulling a brush through my hair for reasons that I didn't understand. I closed my eyes, and tried not to enjoy the feeling of her fingers running down the back of my neck. If she wasn't all imprinted and shit on Jake, I would have suspected she was trying to make time with Emmett... or possibly me. "Because I have a bad track record with one of Edward's vampire brothers already. I'm a bonafide Scooby Snack to your kind."
"Meh, I've smelled tastier. Edward's got his head up his ass. You smell no more delicious than the next sweet, young thang. He's Victorian. It's easier for him to come to terms with his lust for your blood than his hankering for your poonany."
"Oh, he's been all up in there already," Sonja smirked and inexplicably lowered her face to my hair to inhale. "Mmm. Strawberries."
"Bitch, are you done nose-fucking my hair?" I slapped her hand away from me and then instantly regretted the action. Her eyes took on an eerie calm that belied the violence in her stance. She clenched her fist.
"I'm going to punch you," she said simply. I squeezed my eyes shut and grinned.
"I'll share my percs if you don't mess with my nose."
"Nah, I don't go halfsies. You can do me next. Those tiny hands of yours won't do much damage."
"Stop it, ladies. You can both have me." Emmett stood between us, and I sagged against his hugely muscled arm. His girth was impressive. I wondered how much heat he was packing all over.
"Do you think he's packing?" I asked Sonja. "Is there brawn where there are no brains?"
Crazy people seem to have a nearly psychic connection. I didn't even need to explain myself. The excitement in her maniacal eyes was evident. Her face exploded into a joyous smile.
"Not Brawny! Bounty!!! He's bringing me Bounty!!!"
So, yeah... Sometimes my assessments aren't always correct. "I have no clue what you're talking about," I said, because I really didn't. Was Bounty some sort of chocolate bar with coconut?
"Bounty," she repeated, like a three-year-old waxing lyrical about her blankie.
"Okay... So, Emmett. Now that Carlisle's out of sight, wanna sample the other white meat? Once you go human, sparkly, cold vag will never satisfy you again."
"Aw, shit, crazy-Bells. You know I can't do it." His eyes lowered to my tits, without apology. I grabbed his hands and brought them to my breasts.
"Kiss me, Em?" I tried to step towards him, but he held me at arm's length, still cupping the girls. He looked at Sonja and furrowed his brow, fighting against either a question of morality or logistics.
"Don't worry about her. She's a couple of tacos short of a fiesta platter. She won't care."
"No, Belly. Can't do it." He removed his hands from me and pulled me into a stupid hug. "I wish you'd get better."
"Thanks," I tried to say, but my face was squashed against his pectorals. It was like face planting into granite. Not the least bit pleasant.
"You could show me those titties, if you want. Edward will be back soon though, so hurry."
"No fucking way. Not unless you show me King Dong." But honestly, I had lost interest. Edward would be back, and I had too many questions that needed answers. Emmett looked down at his crotch in contemplation.
He lowered his jeans, but not his Calvin's. "Forget it. The offer expired. I'm not flashing you." Swan must have skidded close to the surface as I spoke. Playing this game with Emmett felt almost incestuous all of the sudden.
"Don't you want more?" he taunted with a lascivious grin that seemed out of place on such a dimpled face. "I'll show you more. Show me those titties."
I shook my head. Sonja pulled my attention away from Emmett. She was jumping up and down, still muttering about "Bounty," only now, she was distracted.
"Yeah, I bet you want more," Emmett repeated and exposed the top of his happy trail.
"Yes, I want some fucking more!!!" Sonja yelled and removed her shirt. "Whip it out! Tit for tat!!!"
"Stop it, Cum Bucket. You're imprinted now. Leech peen is off limits." I tried to get her dressed, when she seemed to remember something.
"Wasn't I supposed to punch you?"
"Umm..." Shit and fuck and stuff!
Her fist connected with my jaw, and my head snapped back.
"Fucking, ow!!!" Blood pooled into my cheek, and I spat upon instinct.
"So not cool." Emmett's voice was stressed. As stressed, I imagined, as he was capable of sounding. The amber of his eyes darkened a couple of shades, as he stood transfixed by the little drop of blood on the cracked, high-gloss, linoleum floor.
"Emmett?"
"Yeah?" he muttered, and grappled for his pants in haste. "I want that blood. Just a little taste, Belly? It's already on the ground."
Sonja bared her teeth in a hiss and glared at the crimson stain. "Where the fuck is my Bounty?!" Her agitation confounded me. I mean, I was the one who was bleeding.
"Ow," I moaned and knelt beside her. "Hand me a tissue. Emmett can't handle the blood."
"A tissue won't fucking do, you bitch! We need the good stuff." Sonja pushed me away from the tiny drop of liquid on the floor and started shaking. "Unclean," she sobbed, pointing her trembling fingers at the floor.
"I fucking hate you."
"I fucking hate body fluid!"
"Well. That's kind of ironic, coming from a chick called 'Cum Bucket,' doncha think?" Poor Jake wasn't getting head anytime soon.
"I have to get out of here, Belly. I'm sorry." Emmett's drew his face down with shame, and I nodded.
"Go," I said. "Send for drugs and ice."
He opened the door and collided with Edward's fist. Well, that was some perfect fucking timing. It was strange, I hadn't even noticed how alone I felt until Edward was back in my vicinity. Almost unconsciously, I positioned myself closer to him, seeking the healing balm of his cool hand for my bruised face.
I need cuddles, Edward. My mental voice was a pout. He didn't seem to hear me, though. Cuddles!!!
Emmett raised his hand in surrender. "Dude, I know what you're thinking, but--"
"No, Emmett. I know what you were thinking." Edward kicked his brother off balance. Nice! His Chuck Norris roundhouse into Emmitt's shin made me feel kind of swoony. Then again, I was currently bleeding into my throat.
"Get the fuck away from my mate!" Edward's voice was beyond feral. His beautiful fucking face took on the look of a vengeance god... and he was all mine!
Forget cuddles. Come here and fuck me.
"Dude, I'm so sorry. I wasn't gonna do anything, I swear. I just wanted to see her--"
I never saw the blow Edward dealt to his brother, however I did feel bits of concrete hit my head when he connected with the wall.
"Bounty!!!" Sonja shrieked and launched herself towards the sparring vamps.
"Shit. Stop!" My hand shot out, but I missed the collar of her shirt. "Stop fighting, Edward. Crazy fucking bitch incoming!!!"
Edward stopped moving, mid-strike, and fell gracefully onto his feet, while Emmett stood from his defensive crouch. If this was a movie, I would have described the direction of the scene before me as David Fincher style.
"Bounty," Sonja sobbed. Jake appeared in the doorway and caught her in his arms.
"Shh, baby. It's okay. I got it." His lips brushed softly against hers. "Stop fighting or I'll phase," he threatened.
"I'm on a tangent, Jake. Shush." David Fincher made me think, of course, of Fight Club. "Do you think that everyone else knew the truth about Tyler Durden?"
"What?" Edward asked.
"Huh?" Jake grunted.
"Bounty!" Sonja squealed.
"Fight Club!!!" Emmett enthused.
"Exactly!" I turned to Emmett and smiled. He gave me a tentative grin and then shot a look at Edward.
"Bella? What's wrong, honey?" Jake asked. The term of endearment he used elicited simultaneous growls from Edward and Sonja.
I ignored them all and dully stepped between the vamps, to my vanity. I contemplated my reflection in the little mirror on the (cracked) wall. Bella Swan stared back. "There's a scene in the movie, where Brad Pitt says to Edward Norton, 'Hey, you created me. I didn't create some loser alter-ego to make myself feel better. Take some responsibility!' What a great fucking line!"
Edward moved from his frozen offense to wrap his arms around me. "And you're wondering who created whom?" He nearly rolled his eyes at me because, I'm sure, the deja vu had grown tiresome.
"Yeah. Fucking mind reader."
"I can't read your mind right now, love. I seem to only be able to do it when your personalities are in flux."
"Bounty!!!"
"What the fuck, Cum Bucket? Why do you keep saying that??"
Jake handed her a large bag and brushed her hair away from her eyes tenderly. "Bounty," he said softly.
"Ahhhh," she exhaled and touched the plastic reverently before tearing open the wrapping altogether. "Bounty Extra Soft. I fucking love them." She ripped a sheet off the roll and rubbed it against her face. "After my shower tonight, I'm wearing them. I fucking swear. I love them that much."
"Bounty," I groaned. "Fucking Bounty!"
Jake smiled at his deranged imprint, and then looked at me. "We need to talk to you, Bells."
I wasn't listening. "She's fucking nuts, Jake. That's shit isn't normal. I mean, it's okay to love your paper towel, but you shouldn't love your paper towel--"
"Bella!" Jake growled. "Listen to me. Charlie sent for Renee, Bells. They're talking about sending you back to Toronto."
Um... What the fuck?
Author's Note: So, first off. Have you heard of Katinki? She's a mad fucking scientist which automatically makes her a genius. Well, we're running a contest all about Monster in Laws. C'mon ladies, I bet you have some sort of opinion on this topic? We have an epic panel of judges and I hope all of y'all will show me your bestest Twific monster in law story. Check the link on my profile for details.
Questions, comments, complaints? Join me on the BBS thread... or tweet, formspring, PM or review me. I'm a complete social media whore. Don't be shy.
Also, my beta asked me to post a link to the Kellan Calvin commercial, in case you've been living under a rock: www(.)xmarkyourspot(.)com/#/intro
Do you want some fucking more??