I was tying my shoes when Stan came bursting into the locker room looking extremely pissed off.
"What's wrong? Did your Jew boyfriend decide to skip out again?" Cartman snickered. I looked around the locker room and I noticed that Kyle wasn't there.
"No Cartman! Coach Jennings said I couldn't be on the team anymore because I have asthma and it's all because some kid all the way in Connecticut died out on the field as a result from asthma!" Stan shouted out angrily.
"Isn't there a law against that?" Token asked.
"Your father is a lawyer Token, why don't you tell me?" Stan asked glaring at the dark skinned boy who was holding his hands up defensively.
"Hey man, I was just asking, besides, isn't your boyfriend's dad a lawyer too?" Token retorted. I had to stifle a laugh at this, Token hated Stan almost as much as I did.
"No, but my boyfriend's dad is a lawyer." Clyde said; he had just arrived with Kyle in tow.
"Where were you guys?" Stan asked rushing over to hug them both. Great, now that Clyde had gone public with Kyle, he and Stan were acting like be – eff –effs, could my life get any worse?
"After you got called in to talk to your coach, Kyle and I had a little talk about the issue we had in the washroom." I heard Clyde whisper.
"Is he okay?" Stan asked.
"I'm fine." Kyle said with annoyance.
"Get your asses out here ladies! It doesn't take you that long to fix your hair and make-up!" Coach Bianchi shouted. I took a deep breath, yesterday Coach Bianchi wasn't here so we had a substitute. I heard stories about how Coach Bianchi pushed kids so hard that they ended up puking blood. When we walked out on the gym floor, Coach B started lining us up on the half court line.
"I bet you're all wondering why I lined you up here!" Coach B barked.
"I coach baseball, gymnastics, and basketball and I need people on my team, I know many of you are already on a sports team but it won't kill you to join another. I am not going to spend my time coaching juvenile games!" Coach B continued in his booming voice.
"I got kicked off the soccer team for having asthma." Stan spoke up.
"I don't care what kind of sissy problems you have! You're going to be on one of my teams whether you like it or not!" Coach B yelled in Stan's face, causing Stan to pale and shrink back like a scared little mouse.
"Now, I am going to go down the line and examine you to see which one of my sports teams you will be good for."
Coach B then went down to the end of the line and grabbed the first kid, Kevin.
"You look like you will be good for baseball." Coach B said after eyeing Kevin up and down for a few minutes. Kevin let out a sigh of relief; he probably thought Coach B was going to say he'd be perfect for gymnastics since he's Chinese.
Coach sighed when he reached Timmy and Jimmy,
"I suppose you two can be the water boys for the baseball team."
"T-that sounds like a s-splendid idea, S-sir." Jimmy stuttered out.
"What about Kahl? He's blind." Cartman asked.
"Do his limbs work?" Coach B snapped, he hated when kids spoke out of turn.
"Yes." Cartman replied.
"Then he can play one of my sports!" With that, Coach Bianchi continued to put people on his teams. He put Clyde, Token, and Stan in baseball. His eyes widened when he reached me.
"How tall are you?" He asked with shock and slight admiration.
"Close to seven feet I think." I said, remembering the shoe things Cartman was making me wear.
"You are PERFECT for basketball!" He exclaimed happily. So far, Butters, Cartman, and I were on the basketball team.
"You look like you'd be good for gymnastics." Coach B told Tweek.
"Gahh! That is way too much pressure man!" Tweek screeched out while tugging on his shirt.
"You have to learn to work under pressure if you want to succeed in life, kid!" Coach B shouted out, half of me wondered if he was related to our old bus driver, Ms Crabtree. Coach B let out a short laugh when he reached Kyle.
"A little petite aren't we?" He asked with a slight sneer.
"I guess I'm a bit under the average height range." Kyle muttered looking down.
"What? Did your parents feed you microwavable Weight Watch dinners?" Coach B said with an evil laugh.
"Back off!" Clyde yelled out angrily, he had his fists balled up by his sides, as if he was going to strike Coach B.
"You go to the office right now! Don't you ever yell at me again!" Coach B yelled out with his face turning dark red. Clyde gave Coach a dirty look before walking over to Kyle and kissing him lightly,
"I love you." He said before walking out the gym doors to go to the office. Coach rolled his eyes and sighed.
"Don't do your lovey dovey fag shit around here! I have a right mind to call your parents and tell them all about this! You are tainting my gym with your disgusting homosexuality!" Coach yelled right in Kyle's face. Kyle's eyes then filled up with tears and his shoulders started shaking lightly.
"Oh, are you going to cry now? Is it because you're a fairy? Are you crying because you're a SINNER?" Coach continued yelling in Kyle's face.
"Leave him alone." Stan said angrily, he was almost as angry as Clyde was.
"Stay out of this! Your lungs hate you and so do I!" Coach yelled out at Stan. I had to chuckle lightly at this, Stan has always been sensitive about his asthma, even more now that he couldn't play soccer.
"How the hell is this guy even able to be working at a school? Isn't there some kind of law about teachers talking to students this way?" Token asked. Token is like that, he is always asking whether or not something is against the law even though his dad is a lawyer.
"Do not talk about me like I'm not even here you spoiled rich brat!" Coach yelled out. I widened my eyes in surprise; he seemed to know all of our weaknesses. Token was about to come back with a reply when the bell started ringing.
"Midget kid, you will be on the gymnastics team." Coach told Kyle before telling us all to get the hell out of his gym. As soon as I walked out the door, I noticed that I had forgotten my backpack.
"Dammit." I muttered to myself as I started heading back into the gym. What I saw when I stepped through the doors made me gasp out in shock, Coach Bianchi and Tweek were sharing a passionate kiss.
Stan's POV:
I was walking over to the bus when Kevin came rushing out to me.
"Stan, I need to talk to you!" He panted out, damn he ran out of breath fast.
"What?" I asked impatiently, I didn't want to miss the bus again.
"It's about Kyle; I overheard something in the bathroom before gym." He said. Oh great, he knew about what Kyle was going through at home.
"Look, we will do something about Kyle's parents okay? Don't worry about it." I said.
"It's not about that it's-"He started to say.
"I have to go; I don't want to miss the bus."
He said something else but I was too far away to hear what it was. The next day at school, the hallways were buzzing with excitement.
"Attention students, everyone go to the auditorium." The loudspeaker boomed. I wondered what was going on; we only went to the auditorium when something major was going on.
"What's going on?" I asked Wendy, she was in front of me in the line leading to the auditorium.
"Didn't you watch the news this morning?" She asked. I shook my head, I never watch the news.
"Kevin Stoley's body was found last night by an old couple walking their dog." She said with a twinge of fear in her voice. I opened my mouth in shock; Kevin had just tried to tell me something yesterday. When we entered the auditorium doors, the teachers told us to take a seat and the principal stepped up to the microphone.
"I'm sure many of you have seen the news already and have heard about the sad fate that has befallen your fellow classmate." He started, most of the other students were busy texting on the cell phones or gossiping to listen, no one really liked Kevin that much. He was a nice kid; he was just a mega nerd.
"A murderer is on the loose!" The principal boomed out causing me to focus my attention on him yet again. I could hear gasps go around the auditorium, I'm guess I'm not the only one whose attention was caught by what he said.
"I don't want anyone walking out alone, I want you all to have a buddy when you go places, is that understood?"
"Yes." We all said in unison.
"Good, now you may go to class." The principal said. As I was walking out the door, something caught my eye; something was hanging from the top of the door by a string. My heart stopped in my chest and I could feel the bile rise to my throat when I realised that the thing hanging from the door was a human nose. Also attached to the string was a note that said:
Kevin just couldn't keep his nose out of other people's business.
I let out a blood curdling scream before everything went dark and I collapsed on the cold hard floor.
Cartman's POV:
I was looking through my backpack for my Science book when I heard the scream. When I turned to see what happened, I could see the stupid hippy lying on the floor with teachers already starting to surround him. The principal quickly ran back up to the stage and grabbed the microphone.
"Everyone listen up! It seems that the murderer is here in this very school, I want you all to go to the basement, we are going to be on lockdown!" He said urgently. Some students started crying while others started screaming and running around like a turkey with their heads cut off. It took the faculty members about ten minutes to get them to calm down enough to lead them to the basement.
"Oh sweet Jesus! What if they kill us while we're in the basement?" Tweek yelled out, he was twitching harder than ever before.
"Don't say that!" A girl snapped. When we reached the basement, the principal had us sit against the walls. I rolled my eyes when I saw that the stupid Jew was sitting in Clyde's lap.
"Stop trying to jump each other every chance you get you sick fags!" I yelled over in their direction.
"Shut up fat ass!" Kyle's retorted followed by Clyde flipping me off. I could hear Craig grumble something about Clyde stealing his trade mark.
"Everyone settle down, as you know there is a murderer in this building, they may be in this very room!" The principal boomed out causing Tweek to emit a loud scream. I rolled my eyes, why couldn't the murderer have murdered him too? I then started making a list of all the people I'd want him to murder, Kyle, Tweek, Butters, Token…
"I have to pee." Clyde then interrupted.
"Alright, but take a buddy." A teacher said.
"I have to go too." I exclaimed jumping up before Kyle could have the chance to say anything.
"Alright, but be back in ten minutes." The teacher said letting us out before locking the door back behind us. We walked in silence for a few steps before I grabbed Clyde's hand and started running my fingers over his knuckles, he blushed slightly before smiling at me. When we reached the washroom, he quickly pulled me inside and started kissing me passionately.
"I feel a bit reluctant to kiss you seeing as you've had your lips on that dirty Jew rat." I said pulling away from him.
"Kyle isn't that bad, he's a little prude, but he's not that bad." Clyde said and he proceeded to attack my mouth again.
"When are you going to dump that stupid fag?" I asked with a small bit of anger, Clyde and I have been secretly dating for four months now and he kept saying he was going to dump Kyle but he never did.
"I don't know; I feel kind of bad for him, I mean after what I discovered recently, I don't like the idea of him being alone." Clyde said looking down sadly. I scoffed at this,
"He and Stan are practically attached at the hip; he's probably fucking him behind your back."
"That would be a hot fuck." I heard a slightly high pitched voice say behind me, I turned around and found myself looking at Kenny.
"The fuck Kenny? What are you doing here?" I asked, wondering how he got out of the basement.
"I missed the bus; I had to sneak in through the window." He said pointing at a small window in the top left wall of the washroom. Since Kenny is pretty scrawny and he is the third shortest boy in the school, it was probably easy for him to fit through it. Everyone expected Kenny to be tall since his dad is one of the tallest men in South Park, but malnutrition and his mother's short genes stunted his growth.
"Where is everyone?" He then asked.
"You don't know?" Clyde asked in shock. Kenny shook his head and then looked at us.
"I saw you two kissing, I thought you were with Kyle." He said to Clyde.
"I am I just-." Clyde started to say before bursting in tears.
"Now look you did you poor piece of crap!" I yelled at Kenny. Kenny held up his hands in a defensive state and took a small step back.
"I will make you a deal." He said.
"What?" Clyde asked wiping his eyes while I just narrowed my eyes at him.
"I need a favour." He said. I sighed and rolled my eyes, the poor piece of shit was probably going to ask for money or stupid pornos.
"I'm not giving you any money Kinny!" I said glaring at him. That would put him in his place.
"I don't want any money, Butters has a crush on Kyle and I want you guys to set them up." He said. I opened my mouth in shock, I hadn't expected this. I also didn't know what to do; Craig wanted to be with Kyle too. I then thought about it, if Kenny told Kyle about Clyde then Kyle would dump Clyde and if Kyle got with Butters then they were going to break up anyway.
"No deal." I said finally. Clyde then stared bursting into tears again,
"But then Kyle will think I'm a bad guy because I'm cheating." He sobbed out.
"It's okay Clyde, like Kahl will believe Kenny." I said putting my hand on his back to comfort him. I wished that Kyle would believe Kenny though, and then I could get that stinking Jew out of our relationship once and for all.
Craig's POV:
I looked and saw Cartman and Clyde enter the room with Kenny behind them; Clyde looked like he had been crying. Normally I would have been concerned and mad at whomever had made him cry but recent events caused me to chuckle out loud. I looked back over to where Kyle was unsuccessfully trying to teach Butters how to read Braille. I could feel a jolt of jealously course through my body each time I saw Kyle put his hand on Butters' to show him how to trace over the bumps. With the light blush that appeared on Butters' face, I could tell that he enjoyed Kyle's touch maybe a little too much.
"I'm back, Sweetie." Clyde said putting his arms around Kyle's waist and kissing his cheek. I couldn't help but to start grinding my teeth at the sight of them, that was supposed to be me holding Kyle, not Clyde!
"Shut the fuck up you stupid poor piece of shit!" I heard Cartman yell out angrily, the next thing I knew, Kenny was on my lap.
"You didn't have to push me fat ass!" He screamed back at Cartman.
"What's going on man?" I asked even though I didn't really care, those guys were always getting into stupid fights. Kenny then whispered for me to come to the washroom with him.
"Didn't you just get back from there?" A teacher who had noticed Kenny walking in asked.
"I have a very small bladder and I drank a lot of water on the way here." Kenny said.
"I don't think it's fair to take another student's turn do you? I mean what if someone else had to go? Do you think it would be fair for a student who has already gone to go instead of them?" The teacher asked.
"Pleaseee!" Kenny whined, and he started to do a small dance that emphasized how bad he needed to go.
"Fine, but take a buddy with you." The teacher said rolling her eyes.
"Come on." Kenny said grabbing my hand and pulling me out the door.
"What's going on?" I asked when we reached the washroom, I once had a crush on Kenny, back in the third and fourth grade, but after the Peru incident, I found myself liking Kyle even more. I still liked Kenny as a friend though, a very good friend. I would probably still like him as more if Kyle wasn't in the picture.
"Crai- Greg, I need advice." He said.
"What did you call me?" I asked in shock, I could have sworn he started to say Craig.
"Greg, I said Greg." He replied with what looked like a hint of fear in his eyes. I narrowed my eyes at him and flipped him off.
"Be honest." I said with slight anger, maybe Kenny really was my stalker.
"I know you're Craig." He said after a few moments of silence. I then growled and slammed him against the wall.
"So you're the one that's been leaving me those notes?" I said through clenched teeth, pulling him off the wall and slamming him back against it a few times.
"NO STUPID! I FOUND A NOTE!" He yelled out. That caused me to stop dead in my tracks an stare blankly at him.
"Why didn't you tell anyone?" I asked in shock. Kenny sighed and looked down for a few moments before replying.
"I didn't tell anyone because I like you Craig, I really like you, but I know that you like Kyle and I know that if he found out that you were really Craig then you'd never have a chance with him. I know that being with him will make you happy, and seeing you happy means the world to me." He said softly, I was surprised to see tears running down his cheeks. I didn't know what to say or do so I just stared at him blankly while he continued to cry. I then remembered what we had come there for.
"What did you want to tell me?" I then asked. Kenny wiped his eyes and sniffled a bit before replying.
"Clyde is cheating on Kyle." He said. I felt happiness, anger, and surprise rush through me all at once, how the hell could Clyde cheat on someone as amazing as Kyle?
"With who?" I gasped out.
"Cartman."
I almost started busting out laughing; Clyde was cheating on me with that fat ass? I then felt anger start to boil up inside of me, Cartman knew a way this whole time that would break Clyde and Kyle up but he failed to share it with me. I knew he wasn't really my friend, he was probably just doing this so he could see Kyle suffer, I was stupid to not have realised it sooner.
"Are you okay?" Kenny asked putting his hand on my arm. I didn't feel a jolt of strong electricity when he touched me like I did with Kyle, but I did feel something.
"I'm fine; I just can't believe that Clyde would cheat on someone as amazing as Kyle."
"I know, especially with Cartman." Kenny chuckled out.
"Why are we all in the basement? I missed the bus so I came to school late." He then said.
"Didn't you see the news?" I asked. Kenny shook his head,
"Dad broke the TV in one of his drunken fits two nights ago."
"Kevin Stoley was murdered, and then after the meeting in the auditorium where the principal was telling everyone about what had happened, Stan found Kevin's nose hanging from the top of the door with a note, everyone then concluded that the murderer was in the school, planning his next attack." I said looking at Kenny who had his eyes opened wide in shock.
"Was the note left by the same person who was leaving notes about you?" He then asked. I shook my head,
"That note was typed up, my stalker usually writes his by hand."
Kenny then surprised me by throwing his arms around my middle and burying his face in my chest.
"No one is going to stalk my Craigie-Poo anymore; I'm going to find out who this guy is and take him out." Kenny cooed. I rolled my eyes and let out a slight snort. Even though I was a bit annoyed at what Kenny had just called me, I was more elated by the fact that I had someone I could trust on my side, someone who was going to help me find out who my stalker was.
"Thanks." I muttered.
"Want to help me find out who the murderer is too? I mean he might be connected to your stalker in some way." Kenny replied. I sighed and nodded, deep down I knew that I wanted to know who had taken my classmate's life just as bad as anyone.
"Great." Kenny said smiling up at me before releasing me from his hug. As I stepped out of the washroom, I closed my eyes and thought about how much I hated mystery and excitement but now I was trying to solve three mysteries, who my stalker was, who murdered Kevin, and how to convince Kyle of Clyde's infidelity. There was also the feeling of my long dormant feelings for Kenny starting to build up again. Greg Birch's life was a lot more exciting than Craig Tucker's and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it.