Angel Dust
A/N: So I wasn't going to post this chapter tonight, but since Kim reminded me that it's been awhile, I thought I'd do my best to keep you guys satisfied. I know the updates aren't coming as quickly for this story as some of my previous work, but the story is somewhat emotionally draining and sometimes I have to take a step back and strengthen my grip on sanity. Thank you all for your ongoing support of this story. It means a lot to me. Enjoy!
After a long moment of collecting himself, Nitro crossed his arms and leaned against the table beside her. "I think you're trying your hardest to make me go," he deduced. Sinking to the chair beside her, he put a hand on her knee. "But I'm right here." With a soft look, he placed his palm on her cheek, his compassionate eyes boring into her. "And I'm not letting you run from this anymore."
She wanted to scream. At first, she had told him just to shock him. But as she felt the weight of her confession, she realized the severity of what she had said. She had never told anyone about the baby - not Dave, her mother, Trish, or Randy. None of the people she considered herself close to knew about her decision, but she had felt the need to blab it to a virtual stranger.
"Why didn't you tell him?" Nitro's words interrupted her thoughts.
Taking a deep breath, she decided that she had gone too far to back out now. Though she would insist that she didn't care, that she didn't think about it, that it was in the past, part of her wanted to talk about this. And for reasons she couldn't explain, she wanted to talk to him.
"Dave and I had talked about having kids for awhile. Even before we got married, we would talk about how great it was going to be to have little smiling faces around our home. He would have been ecstatic," she almost whispered as her gaze returned to the table top. "I couldn't wait to get home from the doctor's that night to tell him. I couldn't wait to see the look on his face when I told him he was going to be a daddy."
Nearly skipping for joy, Courtney made her way down the hall of apartment building and toward her home. Dave's car was parked out front, and an inexplicable sense of excitement filled her chest as she thought to the conversation they were about to have. They were going to be parents. In eight months, she was going to bring his child into the world.
As she entered the apartment, a smile cracked her lips. She could hear Dave's footsteps down the hall. "Should I just jump into his arms and blurt it out? Or should I wait a little bit and make it a big announcement?"
Even as she was considering, her husband stepped out of the shadowed hallway. His face was a perfect image of contentment as he smiled at her and wrapped his arms around her waist. "God, I missed you," he breathed in her ear as he lifted her feet off the floor.
Courtney felt her heart racing as she hugged his neck. Pulling back, she smiled up at him. And her heart stopped.
The movement of his eyes, the way they shifted blankly, as if of their own accord, told her that he was already high. And it was only 6:00. The words she had been so eager to say moments ago wouldn't come out. She loved him, despite his flaws, but something was holding her back.
The ringing of his cell phone interrupted the moment as Dave kissed her nose and answered. "What?" His voice was clipped, a sudden change from the sweet man who had embraced her mere moments earlier. "So?" He rolled his eyes and turned his back, one hand on the top of his head as he listened. "You said I would have it tonight." He let out a growl that sounded more animal than human. "I don't give a rat's ass about your daughter's fucking dance recital," he spat. "Do not fuck with me, man. I'm not playing. I will not hesitate to come down there and rip your fucking throat out in front your goddamn family. Is that clear?"
As he continued his threatening, his fist came into contact with the wall at his left. The cracking sound caused Courtney to jump. It wasn't that she had never seen him angry. But she knew this wasn't about business. He would never punch a wall over business. And though it was clear he was already barely holding on to sobriety, he was already contemplating the next fix.
As he hung up the phone, Courtney stepped away. This is what it was. This was the man she loved, and this was how it would always be. The proposition that had, just minutes ago, felt like the greatest joy in the world, now felt like an heartbreaking anvil on her soul. She knew that Dave loved her, but that he equally loved his vices. Was there any room left for him to love their child?
"Where are you going?" He asked suddenly as he snapped his phone shut. Courtney turned, saying nothing. "Don't start with me," he warned.
Anger flared in her chest. How dare he talk to her like that? If he only knew. . . But he couldn't know. At the moment, he didn't deserve to know. "Fuck you," she hissed, starting her trek back to their bedroom.
"What did you just say to me?" Dave growled, moving quickly to the bedroom, only to find his wife throwing her things in an overnight bag. "Where the fuck do you think you're going?"
There were a lot of things that she had come to fear over the course of their relationship, but his anger was not one of them. No matter how pissed off he was, he never laid a hand on her. He never had, and she felt secure that he never would.
With a glare, she zipped her bag and hitched it on her shoulder. "Get out of my way."
Grabbing her hand, Dave sighed and stepped aside. "Do you have any idea how much shit I have going on in my life right now?"
Shrugging, she pulled away from him. "Yeah, I do. You're a powerful guy. Your life is stressful. You knew it would be when you chose it." He didn't seem to appreciate her answer. "Get over it."
"I couldn't take care of him and a baby," Courtney sighed, running her fingers through her hair. "I just couldn't."
Part of him wanted to pull her into a tight hug and hold her until that sad expression disappeared. But Nitro bit his lip, something still not clicking in his mind. There was so much she wasn't saying, and though it was clear that Dave had a drug problem, something else didn't make sense. "You wanted to have kids with him, right?" Courtney nodded. "Why not just ask him to quit?"
Rolling her eyes, she leaned back on her stool and crossed her arms. "You wouldn't understand," she sighed.
"I don't understand," he agreed. "You were pregnant with his child. You loved him. You couldn't have just sat him down and said 'Look, this shit has got to stop'?"
The strained whisper that came from her throat was foreign to him. "He hated when people got on his ass about it." Looking up, her shoulders sagged at his confused expression. "Plenty of people told Dave he had a problem, okay? It wasn't like he wasn't aware." Swallowing hard, she tucked her hair behind her ear. "He didn't need to hear it from me, too."
They were silent for a moment, and Nitro knew he had to ask. But he also knew that his next question had the ability to send her reeling. "I don't want to, in any way, disrespect your late husband, Courtney," he started carefully. "But his addiction was clearly altering the life you wanted to have. Why stick with him?"
Without permission or warning, the tears began to fall. It wasn't the first time someone had asked her the question. But it was the first time she actually felt obligated to give an answer. Something about the way he probed her with innocent compassion. He wasn't trying to change her mind - only to understand her.
"He needed me," she whispered. When Nitro didn't respond, she took a deep breath and met his eyes. "My whole life, I've always been behind the scenes. I hate attention, always have. I'm always happiest when I'm helping someone else succeed." With a small smile of reminiscence, she tucked her hair behind her ears. "But sometimes it's easy to get lost in the shuffle.
"When you're working on a campaign, all parts of the team are important," she tried to explain the only way she knew how. "When I was younger, the team was me and my mom, standing behind my father to make him look as impressive as possible. When I got older, there was always a team around me, a group of lobbyists working toward the same agenda. And I liked that.
"But I started feel disposable. Like, at any minute, someone with more experience, more charisma, more saavy could just step in and take my spot. Dave made me feel indispensable." She looked into Nitro's eyes and licked her lips. "When we were together, it was us against the world, and I knew, I KNEW, that no one would ever take my place with him."
He watched her eyes change as she talked about the man she had loved, and about how he fed her need for importance, her sense of purpose. Once again, his perception of her was altered. The woman he had once viewed as indestructible, independent to a fault, was crumbling before his very eyes. She said that Dave needed her, but it was clear that she needed his dependence on her just as much.
He leaned back on his stool and nodded. After another long moment of silence, he stood and spoke. "Can I ask you one more thing?"
Shrugging, she sniffled and crossed her arms, leaning forward on the table. "Why not?"
A faint smile teased the corners of his lips. "Do you feel any better now?"
Narrowing her eyes for a moment, she considered his words. Though she had given her body to Randy on several occasions, Nitro was the first person since Dave with whom she had shared her soul, and that in itself was a bit daunting. She was completely unsure of what would come of this conversation, but they had surely crossed a line into something deeper than mere acquaintances.
Without thinking, she nodded. "A little bit. Yeah."