Author's Note: Italicized text is a quote from earlier chapter, When Swans Cry. This is Bella's memory following her confrontation with Laurent after seeing Jacob phase (unbeknownst to him). There is no cliff dive in BBS though. OMG guise (thank twitter for that sms-speak) the Fandom Gives Back auction starts tonight. I'm auctioning off an outtake of BBS, anything you want. My beta jkane180 always wanted an Emmett outtake so I wrote one several chapters ago for her. That's an example of what I'm selling. Please bid on your favourite authors for a great cause. There's a link to my auction on my profile, or google "Fandom Gives Back" for general information on Alex's Lemonade Stand. Mac214 graciously guest-beta'd this chapter and my brave pre-readers are Katinki and wordslinger. Stay tuned for author's note at the end regarding the auction.

I tremble
They're gonna eat me alive
If I stumble
They're gonna eat me alive

Can you hear my heart beating like a hammer, beating like a hammer?
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer

-Help, I'm Alive by Metric

-({})-

"Did I mention how big Phil's cock is?"

"Mom!"

Holy fucking Christ! I covered my ears and watched the curtain around my bed shudder.

"Sorry, we're both girls here." Renee giggled like an idiot, completely oblivious to the fact I was having some sort of psychotic episode. I mean, what the fuck? Who the hell comes to the funny farm to visit their daughter and talks about their husband's wang?

"Mom, have you listened to a word I said?"

She sighed and swiped my bangs out of my eyes. "Yes, Bella. Are you being safe?"

"Nope." I was talking to a brick wall. Not just any brick wall: the world's dumbest and sluttiest wall in the history of masonry. "I mean, I'm like, fucking a vampire or whatever, so there's really no safe way to do it."

"How long has he been playing?"

"Um, playing what?" I scratched at the sanguineous blotch on my arm. It seemed to be even redder than it was yesterday.

"Baseball. You said Edward was an umpire?"

Jesus fuck!

-({})-

"Edward, you're trying to distract me."

"Mmmhmm." How long had he been down there? His mouth didn't even feel cool anymore. I tapped him on the head several times, but he was determined to complete the job at hand, or rather, at tongue.

"I wanna see the room I shared with her, Edward. I need to know what I imagined and what's real."

"Right now?" he panted, his fingers taking over where his mouth had left off.

"Yeah," I said, pulling his hand roughly against my pussy. "Stop it." But I didn't let go.

"I can't stop if you don't give me my hand back." I felt his fingers strum over my clit rhythmically. "Do you want me to stop?" His soft, almost-warm mouth ghosted kisses over my thigh.

No, I didn't want him to fucking stop. I mean, I was insane but not stupid.

"Take your pants off, Edward. You can answer my questions while fucking me." I was an excellent multi-tasker, after all. Without waiting for him to answer, I sat up and pulled his hips towards me so that his crotch was lined up with my face. Before undoing his leather belt, I took a detour up to his smooth navel and kissed the marble of his skin, alternating carefully between teeth and tongue, biting and licking a trail down to the waist of his jeans. He shuddered beneath my kiss, and I fumbled with his belt, distracted by the whispered curses he chanted.

"Fuck me, Bella. Your mouth feels so hot."

Usually Edward undressed himself when we fucked, doing that super-human vampire, faster-than-a-speeding-bullet thing he did so well. Shit, I was missing out. Tooth by silver, agonizing tooth, I unzipped his fly, kissing his cock through his underwear as I went. He throbbed and groaned and arched against my mouth.

"Suck it," he begged. "Please, Bella, let me fuck your mouth."

"Sure, Edward. I just have a few questions first."

He groaned; it sounded strangled and hot and annoyed all at once. "After," he begged.

"Nah-uh. I need you motivated. Nothing motivates a man like a blow job." I fisted his dick, pumping it a few times while ghosting over his slit with the tip of my tongue. "When did you learn that Flanagan killed herself?"

"Shit," he swore and grabbed a handful of my hair, pushing my head forward. He strained to make contact with my lips but I stubbornly turned my face away.

"Answer the question."

He sighed and released my head. "I read your file," he said, swallowing almost nervously.

"When?"

"As soon as you were hospitalized again in Washington. When I heard... when Carlisle reached me in Brazil, he filled me in on what had happened."

"You were in Brazil while I was losing my fucking mind in this hospital?" I lurched away from the bed and pulled my hospital gown over my head, tangling my arms through the sleeves in my haste. "How nice that you could afford a holiday."

"You're angry..."

"Fuck you, I'm angry. I'm..." There wasn't an adjective for this. Beyond anger, I felt a baffling range of emotions all at once. Unadulterated loathing, pity, disgust... disappointment. "You're so weak," I whispered, turning my face back to Edward so he could see me, what his decision to leave had done to me. I didn't realize I was crying until I felt the tears drip off my chin. My breathing quickened. I was gasping and sobbing.

"Bella... please, love, believe me. I never would have left if I knew what would happen. Every moment we were apart I suffered with you. My heart was with you every moment."

"Yeah, that's bullshit. Did your heart extend across the border? You were an entire continent away from me! You fucking left me. Your brother tried to kill me, but I'm the one who was punished. And then you fucking come back all contrite and shit, telling me you love me, telling me Jacob is a piss-ant for fucking me while I'm sick." I motioned to his cock that was still proudly erect. That cunt of a cock had the audacity to throb and twitch at the proximity of my hand. "Jacob's only eighteen, mostly just a regular kid, but he never left me unprotected..."

"Bella, I had followed Victoria to Brazil, that's why I was there. I had no way of knowing Victoria would send Laurent for you... Fuck, I should have known. I should have protected you from them. To think that you were so frightened you would-"

"That's not what I meant," I screamed. "Jacob tried to protect me from myself."

-({})-

"Put me down," I sobbed and raked my nails over his skin. "I was supposed to die today. Give me back my death!"

"No, Bells. I won't let you die."

I allowed Jacob to carry me through the woods, but I was a limp, dead weight in his arms. My body lolled like a ragdoll. I looked up at the canopy of trees. I could not blink.

"We need to get back to the car," I mumbled. "Ethan's asleep. I left a message for Deb but..."

"What are you talking about? You're not making any sense."

"Put me down." My voice was weak, but my desperation cut through the silence. In my head I was screaming.

"Shh, Bells. I need to get you to the-"

"Put me down, asshole!"

-({})-

Something dark and twisted in me wanted to rub his cock with one hand, and cut out his heart with the other.

"Charlie didn't want to send me to Tacoma when I got home. He tried, but it wasn't helping..." Shit, I was on the verge of remembering something important. "...Nothing was helping. She was gone; I was gone too, but I couldn't crawl out of my own skin. I wanted to... I didn't want to live in my head anymore, but there was nowhere to go."

-({})-

"Since when do you swear? Jeez, you're worse than Embry." Jacob smiled and tried to grab my hand. His fingers laced through mine, but I didn't hold on. He slipped through my fingers like sand.

"Thanks for taking me home." I huddled against the door of his car and pressed my head against the window.

"Can I come in?" He looked so hopeful.

"I kinda just want to go to sleep, Jake." I pulled the door handle, but Jacob grabbed a handful of my shirt.

"Please, Bells? We need to talk about what you saw."

"I didn't see anything, Jake..." Nothing that I could trust. I mean, there was no way I just witnessed my best friend turn into a giant dog.

"What happened to Laurent?" I asked cautiously.

"Who's Laurent?"

Just a vampire who's trying to kill me.

"Doesn't matter." With a little luck, he'd be back to finish me off before the night was through. Thank God Charlie was on a fishing trip this weekend. Actually, it was kind of perfect. This would be a good death. Apt.

"Can I come back in the morning, at least? I don't like the idea of you staying here alone." He let go of my shirt and wrapped his arms around me. Weakly, I returned his embrace and pressed my cheek against his bare bicep. I wanted desperately to feel something, but I didn't. I didn't even register the warmth of his skin or the slightly sweet musk his body emitted when he sweat.

Nothing. I felt nothing. Not even my own body.

"Sure, Jake. I'll call you, okay?"

Shrinking away from his sudden embrace, I ran from his car as if someone was chasing me. I ran into the house and up the stairs, careful not to look at the pictures that lined the wall as I passed. I ran down the hall and into my room.

Making sure the window was opened wide, I waited. Laurent would find me.

-({})-

"But he didn't find me," I explained. "He didn't find me because the wolves killed him. Jake saved my life while you were on holiday." I spat the final word like a curse.

"Bella... I'm so sorry..."

"Edward..." Something wasn't adding up. "I remember something, but it doesn't make any sense."

"Don't, Bella. Don't do this."

"Edward, I think I'm starting to remember..."

"No, Bella."

I shouldn't have remembered.

I should have listened.

Why didn't I listen?

-({})-

Laurent never came. When I woke up, my heart still beating stubbornly beneath my breastbone, I found myself disappointed to still be alive.

Author's Note: FGB auction is up, like I said. I'd like to pimp the podcast blog I work on, The Twific Pimps. We are auctioning off a guest spot on the podcast and exclusive rights to a "Hump Your Reader Wednesday."

Also Mac214 (who beta'd this chapter) from Project Team Beta is auctioning off her beta services. Trust me, you want to bid on this opportunity. Mac214 is the author of Relative Wind and co-author of Ultio. Join Team Mougar to bid on a Relative Wind outtake!

Katinki is auctioning off a Bella POV of Renfield and Chiclets. Be prepared to bid against me for this one.

Damn, I wish my pocket was vibrating...

PS - Twicharmed, stop reading my author's note and read the update!