I Don't Hate You
Chapter 5: Mixed Emotions
Eventually she had to work. She had some X-rays she needed to see over, gathered herself first, taking a long look into the small mirror she kept in her desk, fixed her hair and pulled a finger under her eyes, making any black mascara spots disappear.
With a straight back she walked through the hospital, seeing Karev standing in the hallway, talking to a patient.
"Karev."
"Dr. Montgomery," he said, seeming to be happy to see her, judging by how he smiled crookedly and kind of filled up his chest with more air.
"From now on you're off my service, and for what it's worth, I think you're going to miss me."
"But why?"
"You can go and seek out Sloan. Go do your plastics-thing. It's what you want," she added when he kept looking disappointed.
"But why?"
"Because I say so. You're free!" she said in a final kind of way and began walking out of there, leaving him with his confused, dorky facial expression. Poor guy.
Heading for the elevator Mark caught up with her.
"Stop following me, Mark," Addison mumbled, for the second time that day. It made her start to feel that he violated her privacy just by walking through corridors.
"I talked to Derek," he confided, ignoring her dissing attitude.
"Mhm."
"He's really pissed off," he continued, sounding like Derek had been really mean and actually hurt his feelings.
"Uh-huh."
"He said you're not my friend. Actually, that's all he said."
"Ah, sounds like Derek," she said absentmindedly, stopping in front of the elevator and pushed the button.
"Aren't you supposed to care? Comfort me? Aren't you supposed to provide with the talking and I provide with the sexing?" he urged as they walked into the elevator.
Addison began crying.
"What's going on?" Mark freaked, stopping the elevator. "Usually you would say something with you being really good a the sexing too, which you are, but not crying. Why crying?"
He didn't know how to cope with the situation, so he just kind of took a hold of her upper arms slightly, not hugging her or anything, but holding her, as if she was about to, or already was, falling.
"What happened? Come on, you can talk to me."
"Richard is mean," she complained like a five-year-old.
"Yes, he's the Chief, it's his job. Give me the real reason."
She stopped the heavy sobbing she had got going on and looked at him with big, tearful eyes.
"I kissed Meredith," she said, hearing herself that she sounded scared.
"You what?" he breathed, his hands falling off her, powerless.
She sniffled. "Well, first, we were screaming and then we began fighting... Oh my god... I'm such a redneck. Never-ever tell Archer about this," she told him. Her brother, who also used to be a good friend to Mark when they all were back in New York, would never let the thing go if he knew.
"And then you kissed her?"
"Yes."
Mark needed a couple of heartbeats to collect himself.
"What if you talked to Meredith?" he eventually suggested.
"Talk to Meredith? Are you kidding?" Addison repeated. "She's my ex-husband's girlfriend!"
He chuckled, but then stopped when he saw the way she looked at him.
"And Richard heard about the fighting and then ordered her to be on my service until he says she's not," she added breathlessly.
Mark dropped his jaw.
She rolled her eyes at him.
"So... Talk to Meredith. You don't have any other choice since you're going to be working with her."
"We can just keep everything to a work-related basis."
Now Mark was the one to roll his eyes.
"Seriously, Addison. Stop fooling yourself. You, seriously, should deal with this because, maybe you haven't thought about it, but you don't want to have sex with me. And I know that's not about me."
Addison looked at him with horrified eyes. He was right.
"Oh my god."
"Exactly," he agreed. "So, why don't you just ask Meredith about the kiss? Or I don't know, about Derek? And the fighting thing should be brought up too."
"I will definitely not talk about Derek with her," she said, raising her hands as if to push the mere idea from her. "That was what the fight started with."
Mark's face cracked up in a smile. "You jealous, dirty woman!"
"Shut up."
"It sounds pretty hot in my head, but, how come you kissed her? I mean, if you were fighting?"
Addison groaned.
"We got kind of violent..."
"Ah?"
"I bit her!"
"You... wow..."
"No! Not in that way!"
"But why?"
"She pulled my hair."
"Oh," he just said, directly understanding the severity of the event.
"Yeah," she agreed, and then cupped her face in her hands. "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed. How the hell am I supposed to look into her eyes after this? I fought with her... as if we were in high school... and then I kissed her. I mean, what the hell was that about?"
"Stop freaking out and get yourself together. You can do this."
Addison looked at him with serious doubt in her tearful eyes.
"You can. Do this," Mark emphasized. He then sighed and began smudging away the make up that had succeeded to crawl both on top of and under her eyes. "This is so gay. Don't ever tell anyone I did this."
Addison managed to laugh.
He kissed her softly on her lips. When she opened her eyes she understood that he was letting her go. Usually his kisses were full of urgent hunger, this kiss was like a goodbye, a kiss of acceptance. He gently stroked her cheek with his thumb and smiled sadly at her.
"You know I will always be here for you."
"Thank you," she said and threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly.
~GA~
When she met Meredith the next morning in the hallway outside of the room of the patient they were going to visit, she had the exact same look on her face like the time when Addison had requested her specifically when she had newly arrived to SGH.
"Let's not make this awkward, okay?" Addison said, not even bothering to smile to try to lighten up the stiff atmosphere.
"I went out with Derek," Meredith said.
Addison couldn't help but frown.
"Last night, I went out with Derek," Meredith repeated, as if she thought she hadn't heard what she said the first time.
"Yeah, you said," Addison said huffily.
"Yeah, so, now you know."
"Why do you even think I'd want to know?"
Meredith shrugged.
Addison shook her head. "Let's just work," she sighed and opened the door.
"The patient is a 22 year old female, Maya Wilkins. She's 26 weeks pregnant, hospitalized four weeks ago after a car accident. Has had brain surgery and is now in a medically induced coma until the swelling of the brain has gone down," Addison presented with absolutely no feeling at all.
Meredith just nodded.
Addison looked at the chart.
"Both the baby and the patient are stable...Derek did a good job," she added reluctantly.
"You know I was in on the surgery," Meredith said matter-of-factly.
"Of course you were," Addison mumbled.
Addison hadn't been there because she had had an even more critical surgery to tend to during that time.
"Okay, Meredith, you are with me today so you are supposed to monitor the baby, and if there's any changes, you page me."
"Like I don't know that."
"You don't have to have that tone with me."
"Likewise."
Addison drew a breath, preparing a comment that would make Meredith's refractory behavior crumble to the floor. But someone unknown barged in through the door in that moment. Maybe that was for the best.
"She won't wake up?" the unknown woman asked. It was easy to tell that she had been crying.
"Who are you?" Addison said, trying to make the words come out in a soft and caring way.
"I'm her best friend. Jana. I couldn't come here before. I heard about the accident. Is she okay? Is the baby okay?"
"Why won't you sit down?" Addison offered and motioned to the chair at the side of the patient's bed.
Seated, she took her friend's hand and said "I love her. I always have. And now she might not wake up?"
"Jana, I know this is hard for you. She's in a medically induced coma, to permit her body to rest while the swelling of the brain goes down. Of course, there's always a risk of her not waking up, but all we can do now is wait."
Jana nodded and then said "She came to me, after she had broken up with Howard. We are best friends... But we're more than that," she said and stroked the sleeping Maya over her hair. "I just..." She retreated her hand and wiped her tears. "I wish I had been brave enough, when we had time."
"But you are brave, you've been very brave," Meredith said, as if she knew anything.
"No, you don't understand. How could you? I bet you both are married and thinking about kids and all that normal stuff, but me... I'm just for Maya. Maya is everything to me." She leaned in and kissed her lips, and then started crying heavily on her chest.
Addison stroked her soothingly on her back, but inside, she was shocked.
"I just wish I had told her. I wish I had dared to tell her how I feel or just kiss her and see how she would react. I'm so stupid. Now all my life seems like such a waste if she won't wake up..."
Addison continued stroking her back.
"Be patient Jana. There's still hope."
"I was going to help her with the baby, we were going to take care of it together. We've been thinking about baby-names. What will I do if she won't wake up?"
~GA~
Addison went to the nurse's station to fill out some paperwork. But when she looked at the papers, they all looked blurry, even with her reading glasses on. She just couldn't concentrate at all.
She was thinking about what Mark said about talking to Meredith and then about Jana and Maya. What if she never would be able to get over Meredith? Maybe she should just rip off the band-aid...
"Hey," Yang suddenly said standing by her side.
"Hi," Addison said, frowning at her, feeling confused by her presence.
"So, I know this isn't any of my business, but I think you should talk to Meredith," Cristina started out and Addison sighed, crossing her arms. "I know what you think, that I'm interfering and all, and that you have a beef with Mer, sure, I get that, but I've had it to here with her bitching and whining about it so can't you just talk to her?"
Addison continued to frown at her. What had Meredith said?
"If you don't want to do it for her, do it for me. Please. Seriously," Yang said.
"What has she said?"
"You know, she's my person, so I probably know everything, but I can't know what I don't know right?"
"To the point, Yang."
"If you just talk to her, I'll freaking buy you coffee."
"Oh, must be important then," Addison said sarcastically.
"You know what? I'll buy you coffee every day for a month."
Addison laughed. "I don't need your coffee, Yang. What do you want me to say to Grey and why? She hates me, why would I even start a conversation with her?"
"She doesn't hate you, she's just complicated," she said, looking at her pager. "I have to rush, but please just talk to her? Bye," Yang said before she sort of ran-walked out of there.
~GA~
Addison decided to page Meredith to come to her office. Get it over with.
"You paged me?" she asked, a bit suspiciously or nervously or both.
"Yes," Addison said and stood up. "Here it goes. I'm sorry." Meredith lifted her eyebrows. "I'm sorry about yesterday. Can't we just... forget about it?"
"How am I supposed to forget about it?"
"Start on a clean slate?" Addison suggested.
"But how? You freaking kissed me, Addison. How am I supposed to let that go?"
"So you're thinking about that?" Addison mumbled. "Not the fighting part?"
"Yeah, that was annoying too. But mostly that you can't even listen to me when I'm telling you something important. ...And that you... uhm, that you kissed me."
Defeated Addison sat down on her chair again, suddenly feeling out of breath.
"I'm sorry, about that to," she said without looking at her.
"Will you listen to me this time?"
"Yes," she answered clearly. "Have a seat if you want," she mumbled, motioning toward the sofa they had had the most part of their chick-fight on.
Meredith sat down, putting her hands under her thighs by some reason. Maybe she was cold. She needed to focus, so she made herself look at Meredith's eyes and nothing else.
"About the panties."
"What about them?" Addison said, leaning back in her chair, having collected herself some.
"How much detail do you want?"
Addison hesitated.
"Okay, I'll skip the nasty details," Meredith said. "So, we were dancing at prom, you with Derek and I with Finn. But Derek couldn't stop looking at me, in this really suffocating way. I just knew he would follow me when I left. And he did. I ran and I couldn't breath. One part of me wanted him to follow, but also I wanted him to leave me alone. I went into an examine room where he said he just wanted to make sure I was alright. I told him that I wasn't, in a screaming kind of way. I said, are you satisfied? I'm not alright, because you have a wife and you call me a whore-"
"He called you a whore?" Addison interrupted.
"Yes. Just let me tell you this and you can react later, okay?" she said and Addison nodded. "Where was I?"
"Whore."
"Oh, right... So I said, our dog died, and now you're looking at me. Stop looking at me, I told him, and he said I'm not looking at you, while he still was looking at me in that particular way that made me suffocate. He raised his voice, telling me again he wasn't looking at me, started moving closer to me and we circled the examination bed. I said, you are looking at me, and you watch me, and Finn has plans! You have Addison, and we all are trying here to be happy, and I can't breathe with you looking at me like that, so just stop!"
"Wow, you really memorized the whole thing," Addison said, smiling crookedly.
"I've been thinking a lot about this. Here's the crust of the whole pie. Derek then said do you think I want to look at you? That I wouldn't rather be looking at my wife? I'm married, I have responsibilities," she quoted with ardor and Addison's smile faded, she couldn't help but feel hurt about how Derek had felt about her and Meredith and it all. "Then he said she doesn't drive me crazy, she doesn't make it impossible for me to feel normal, she doesn't make me sick to my stomach thinking about my veterinarian touching her with his hands! Man, I would give anything not to be looking at you. During the time when he said this I had turned away from him and he sneaked up behind me... and then... I turned around," she groaned.
"Is this the part where I don't want to hear the details?"
"No, it's fine. He kissed me," Meredith said and Addison made a grimace. "Oh, come on, that wasn't too bad!" Meredith said.
"No, okay, you're right. I'll handle it," Addison said, bracing herself.
"He kissed me, and I kissed him back. All the emotions made my head spin. I put my arms around his neck and he touched me, and kissed me, and then he pulled off my panties. This was when I realized I wasn't thinking about him at all."
"You weren't?" Addison grimaced.
"No, I wasn't," Meredith said. "But most of all I realized I didn't want to. And what sane person would want to get screwed by this guy who calls you a whore?"
"Good point," Addison said through clenched teeth. "But, if that's the case, why did you kiss him back in the first place?"
"Mixed emotions," she said and waved it away, like it wasn't really important. "So I broke free from the kiss and I told him to stop. He just breathed why and continued, kissing my neck. I tried to push him away and stand up while I told him to stop again, but with more force that time. He backed away, but only a couple of inches, so he hadn't really let me go. He asked me why again and I say I didn't want to, and told him to stop. He said come on, and tried to kiss me again but I pushed him and he backed away. He looked really hurt and said he wanted to know why. It seemed to be the only thing he could say. Why."
"What did you say?" Addison whispered, leaning forward, the story had completely absorbed her.
"I said I didn't want to do that to you."
"To me? Why me?" Addison breathed, realizing her mouth hung open like a goldfish and quickly closed it again. "And why didn't you want to do that to me?"
"Of course he said why again, but frowning even more this time," Meredith continued, ignoring Addison's questions. "I said that it isn't right, that I didn't feel like doing it like that."
"But why?" Addison asked.
Meredith rose to her feet. "It's you," she said simply.
"Me?"
"Yeah, I like you," Meredith mumbled.
"But... But why me?" Addison breathed, starting to let herself realize that she wasn't the only one with feelings.
"Do you seriously think I know?" she answered in a bit agitated way. "Anyway, after...," Meredith stopped herself and drew a quick breath for courage, "after our lunch date, I... you know in the car. You took off my pants with your see-through shirt half-open," she said, kind of accusingly. "I... It confused me. I didn't know what I felt."
"Confused you... What you felt..." Addison frowned on the passive tense. "How about now?" she asked, rising to her feet and walking closer to Meredith.
"I don't know," Meredith sighed.
"You said you went out with Derek?"
"Yes, I did. I thought that maybe if I could give him a chance... Maybe I could fall in love with him again and forget about all these confused feelings I have... for you..."
"Did it work?" Addison breathed. Now they only had a half arm length between them.
"I don't know," Meredith whispered, her eyes flickering to Addison's lips.
"You don't know?" Addison repeated in a barely audible breath and they both leaned in for a kiss.
This kiss was not at all as their previous kiss, this was tender, questioning and unsure. But very sweet. Addison wrapped her arms around Meredith. It was exciting, every nerve in her body was tingling by the touch. Meredith's hands trailed around her waist, up her shoulder blades, and then cupped her jaw lightly, making them separate. She looked sadly into her eyes.
"Meredith," Addison whispered, why she did that, she had no idea, she just had to say her name.
They leaned their foreheads together for a moment.
"I don't know if I can do this," Meredith said, she let her go and walked out of the office.
Addison stared at the door where Meredith had just disappeared out of.
"What the hell?" she said to herself.