I Don't Hate You

Chapter 6: How the Vikings Do It

When they were working together later Meredith was avoiding meeting her eyes. She tried to get her alone to talk to her, but she dodged her all the time. She didn't know what to think, what to make out of this mess.

After work she looked up the chef she and Meredith had met. Actually, she went to the restaurant and asked for him.

He was pleased to see her.

"Doctor!" he greeted her and motioned her to sit down. "Do you want something to eat, drink?" he offered.

"No thank you, actually, Mr. Stark-"

"Please call me Lars," he smiled warmly.

"Okay, Lars. I don't really know why I came, really... I guess I just want some help, because I'm feeling really, strangely, confused right now, and I just thought that you seemed to have a sharp eye..."

"Tell me," he said, putting his fingertips together on the table.

"You know Meredith."

"How could I forget?" he smiled. "We have many different couples who come in here. Tell me your problem?"

"Well... We're not a couple."

"Not pronounced maybe," he said simply.

She just regarded him. Pondering if she'd dare to confide in him or not.

"What is she to you then?" he urged.

"Complicated. We met when I came to Seattle to work. She was having an affair with my husband."

"But you have no ring," Lars said, but he didn't seem surprised.

"We're divorced now. And she's dating him now, I think," she said, almost rambling.

"You think?" he asked, not seeming to surprised about this development, as if their situation used to happen all the time.

"Yeah, she didn't really tell me. But I think Derek must really love her...," she said absentmindedly, thinking about what Meredith told her and putting the pieces together. With everything Derek had said, he had just let her assume that they had had sex, when that wasn't the case. He had wanted to be free from Addison to start something real with Meredith.

"I think she must really want to love him," Addison added.

"So, what did you want my help with?"

"I don't know what to think about this mess. It's so complicated! Meredith and I, we had a fight, mostly about Derek I think, and then I kissed her and then we had this talk when she told me she hadn't slept with him during our marriage after all, even if that was what he had made me think. Then I kissed her or she kissed me, I don't know, but it doesn't matter, because then she just said I don't know if I can do this and she left. She's been avoiding me since."

"Aha..."

"What should I do?"

"You fight like a viking."

"Come on, Lars," she begged.

"You already said it yourself. She didn't say she didn't want to, she said she didn't know if she could."

"Yeah, so?"

"So, she obviously wants you, to have you, but she's scared."

"She's scared?"

"She's scared."

"That's all?"

"Pretty much. She's out of her comfort zone with you. It's not easy. And now she probably needs to break it off with this Derek-guy of yours. It's hard. But it's simple. So, that's why I say, fight like a viking, have some guts and show her that you have it under control, that you know what you want and that she has nothing to be afraid for."

"Thanks," she said, feeling a bit like she'd been consulting a fortune teller. "You're right."

~GA~

She took the elevator to her floor and Izzie Stevens joined her.

"Good morning, Stevens."

"Morning."

"Have you seen Grey?"

"Uhm, yeah, she's here, but I don't know where she's now. I think she's on your husband's service today."

"Ex-husband," Addison corrected her, frowning, which made Stevens interpret it as she was offended by the miss-up she did on their marital situation.

"I'm sorry," Stevens said.

"No, no, don't be, it's okay. Uhm... Do you know if they are in surgery?"

"No, you should check the board," she said and went off.

Addison sighed and leaned against the elevator wall. This wasn't good at all. Meredith was assigned to be on her service all the time. Not on Derek's... What did that mean? What did they do?

When she went off the elevator a nurse gave her a perplexed look. Her mask of sanity and normality didn't seem to be quite intact.

Checking the board she saw that Derek wasn't on the board until three. Meredith wasn't on it.

Then why had Izzie said that?

She decided to let it go for the moment and went to the coffee room the attendings and the older residents shared.

"Hey, Callie," Addison greeted the girl who she thought could become her friend one day.

She was eating some cereal while reading a magazine.

"Hi, Addie. What's up?" she said.

"Nothing," she smiled. "Have you seen Dr. Grey?"

"No, why?"

"The Chief made me have her on my service..."

"Didn't you already torment Karev?"

"Yeah, maybe I was so good at the tormenting that he thought I needed to torment her too," she lied while she filled a bowl with some cereal. It's not a good way to start off a friendship with lies... But sometimes it's easier to lie. Of course... It could make everything go to crap as well, like with Mark, but that was another issue.

Callie laughed, not seeing the lie, and went back to her magazine. Addison found a newspaper and read it while she ate.

Then Mark came in. Hot as always. He went straight for the coffee. When Addison looked back she saw how Callie looked at him, in the same way, but even dirtier. She turned back to Mark. Huh, so they had had sex. Strangely enough, Addison didn't care. It just amused her.

Mark didn't seem to want to stay there with them so he left after taking his coffee and soon after Callie left to, because her pager went off.

Sitting alone she was startled when Derek came in with a very, very happy "Hey, hey, hey! Good morning Addison!"

She turned around and looked at him with scrutinizing eyes. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It's a greeting," he said, pouring coffee into a mug. "It's used in civilized cultures by their civilized inhabitants," he shone at her.

She pointed at him, still frowning. "You're smiling."

"It's called happiness. I understand why you wouldn't recognize it," he said on his way out.

"Whoa, whoa- Wait, wait, wait," she said, scrambling to her feet and taking off her glasses at the same time, following him out. "We are uh... being mature about this?"

"Yes, we are going to peacefully co-exist in this hospital, unless you've reconsidered moving back to New York."

She grunted.

"Okay then, we are going to peacefully co-exist."

"Interesting," she smiled.

"Yes, we're adults, we're educated and I think we are capable of many, many things. Come on, let's shake on it," he said and she lifted her eyebrows.

"You're a very strange person, Derek," she said as he took her hand in his and shook it.

"I'm just bright and shiny," he smiled.

"Huh... Since we're going to be civilized," she began. "Can I ask you, how things are going with you and Meredith?" she asked as pleasantly as possible. His smile faded. "Or was that none of my business?"

"Yes, it's none of your business," he said curtly.

Addison wouldn't let herself fold. "But judging by your very handsome happiness," she said and crossed her legs slowly. He followed her legs with his gaze, "you seem to have gotten through with her," she said and let her hair fall off her shoulder, exposing her neck.

"What are you doing Addison?"

"What? I'm asking a civilized question."

"Flattery won't take you anywhere with me. Not anymore," he said and patted her head, smiling broadly again.

"Strange, Derek, you're very strange...," she said after him. He just laughed.

Okay... That kind of answered her question. Kind of. Now she just needed Meredith to confirm it. But she couldn't believe Meredith would choose Derek. If she did, she was just chasing some kind of dream of hers. Or just escaping reality.

"Dr. Montgomery," Karev suddenly said behind her.

She turned around.

"Hi," she said and smiled.

"So, I was just wondering if I can get back to your service again..."

"You miss neonatal or is it just me?"

"I don't know... Both... And Sloan sucks, he just makes me fetch his dry-cleaning and buy him coffee," he complained.

"So now you come running to me? Hah, told you you were going to miss me."

"Come on, Addison..."

"Addison?" she frowned, why wasn't he calling her Dr. Montgomery?

He sighed and grabbed a hold of her upper arm and dragged her into an on-call room.

"What are you doing?" she inquired.

"I want you to take me back."

"I can't. The Chief made me take Grey instead."

"Undo it then. The Chief likes you, he'll do it for you if you want to. And I miss you," he said. "I also like neonatal," he said, leaning closer. He still had his hand on her arm and now he moved it up to stroke away hair that had fallen against her shoulder.

"You don't say?" she breathed.

His hand softly cupped her neck and he leaned in and kissed her. Caught up in the moment, all she could think was "oh what the hell" and "go with it." She needed sex and it felt good to loosen up the knot she had in her stomach because of Meredith.

Therefore, she didn't resist when he pulled off her lab coat off her shoulders. He quickly pulled off his scrub shirt and smoothly pushed her onto the bed. She was wearing a simple black dress under the lab coat and he had to lift her up to find the zipper on her back and pull it down.

While free of clothing Alex quickly put on a condom and then spent all his attention to her. He was hungry, frustrated but still sweet. Sweeter than Mark who could be kind of rough. It felt good, it did, to be kissed and petted by Alex. But... she couldn't help that her attention drifted all the time. Like comparing him to Mark, what was that?

"Oh, Addie," he moaned, going down on her neck and probably creating some red spots she didn't want to have.

She realized she focused on making the right moans at the right places, adjusting herself under him so it would be more comfortable, but it never felt right. Never the ecstatic sensation of awesome sex.

He changed his position a bit so she was in clear view of her face. Her face? She meant his face. She closed her eyes and her brain immediately imagined having Meredith on top of her instead of Karev.

This was wrong. So wrong.

She opened her eyes and said "Stop."

"What?" he said, kept going, but slowed down a bit.

"I said stop it, Karev. Get off me," she said, slightly pushing him on his chest.

He looked genuinely hurt and did what she said.

"But why?" he asked and they both sat up.

She pulled her knees to her chest and didn't answer.

"Are you sure you don't want to?" he asked and she nodded.

"I kind of deserve to know why, don't you think?" he asked again, beginning to pull back his clothes.

"It's complicated," she just said. She didn't know what else to said.

He rolled his eyes. She couldn't blame him.

He was almost fully dressed when he looked at her again and then he said, with an annoyed tone of voice "Stop moping around. If you want to, you want to, and if you don't you don't. It's simple. Now get your clothes back on," he said and threw her dress at her.

He was a good guy, Alex.

~GA~

Derek paged her and told her that they would have the last brain surgery of Maya Wilkins, the girl with the medically induced coma. Addison needed to monitor the fetus while Derek put the skullcap back on. The brain had stopped swelling and shrunk back to its normal size.

Addison paged Meredith, telling her that she'd scrub in.

She braced herself for enduring Derek and Meredith, the happy couple, in the same room. And she actually got really happy when she noticed that Meredith didn't share the strange happiness with Derek.

"You ready?" she asked her as they were both scrubbing themselves between their fingers and then up their elbows to not miss one dirty spot.

"Yeah."

They didn't speak more than that, otherwise saying the necessary things needed to be said during surgery.

When Derek was almost done with the reattachment of the skullcap, the baby went into fetal distress.

"I have to do a Caesarian," she announced.

She noticed that Meredith was more interested in the things Derek was occupying himself with rather than Addison's area, but it got to her attention when the baby was on its way out of the womb.

A tiny, very premature baby boy met Addison in silence. Both the baby and the mom lived, but the baby would be in a critical state for a couple of weeks more and she'd do everything she could to save him.

Later she was sitting with the baby, letting it hold her finger with its tiny hand. Preemies always made her feel melancholic.

Meredith came silently into the room.

"Hi," Addison said and got just a nod back. She came to stand by Addison's side by the preemie.

"He's got a good grip," Meredith said.

"Yes, he does."

There was a small silence.

"I've been avoiding you," Meredith suddenly said.

"I've noticed. Kind of hard to do when we're working together."

"Yeah..."

Silence again.

Meredith looked at her, bit her lip. Looked away, and peeked back at her.

"Just tell me," Addison said, keeping her eyes at the preemie.

"I don't know what's happening to me."

Addison looked at her, letting go of the preemie. It looked as if she was about to cry and she got to her feet to be closer to her. It had become like a need to be close to her, to look at her, smell her and feel her.

"Meredith," she said softly and raised her hand to stroke her cheek, but she flinched back slightly.

Meredith avoided her gaze, pressing her lips stubbornly together. Addison let her arm drop and waited for her to say something.

"What am I going to do?" she asked and began to pace in the room.

"About what?"

Meredith gave her a glare, but didn't answer. Addison took the matter in her own hands.

"About the fact that you told me you have feelings for me, or maybe about the fact that you kissed me and then just left, been avoiding me since and I don't know, took Derek back? Derek who called you a whore and who's now acting disturbingly happy. I wonder why that is," she said sarcastically.

"Stop acting so jealous," Meredith hissed.

Addison crossed her arms. "Well, what do you want me to say then? Do you even know why you're doing what you're doing?" she said calmly, but icy.

"We're not fighting again," Meredith said.

"What do you want then? What do you want from me, Mer?" Addison asked frustratedly.

"I want you gone."

"Why, thank you, everyone just seems to want Addison out of Seattle."

"No, not like that. It's just, even when you're not here. You're everywhere. Freaking, everywhere... I can't think, I can't speak, I can't feel without having you in my head and I just want you out!" she said desperately, pacing quicker around in the room, making big gestures with her arms. "It's wrong. I have Derek and he's great, because he's Derek and so sweet and agreeing on waiting with the sex," she said a bit more softly but with a huge cling of desperation. "But I know I'm waiting for all the wrong reasons. It's not fair on him, and I've started thinking that, that it's not fair on me either."

Meredith stopped. Sighed and let her arms fall down her sides. Turning away from Addison to hide the tears that had begun to fill up in her eyes.

"I wish it just would stop," she said.

"What?" Addison asked softly, walking up to her and stroked away the hair that had fallen in the way of her face, putting it in place behind her ear.

Meredith looked at her.

"You. Just stop."

"I'm not doing anything."

"That's not the point."

She cupped her face in her hands and stroked away a tear that had slipped away from her eye with her thumb. Meredith didn't flinch, she didn't even seem to blink, her eyes fully focused on Addison.

"What if we can't do anything to stop it?" Addison whispered slowly.

"That's what I fear," she whispered back.

They had a moment when they motionlessly looked at each other. Then Addison leaned slowly in, hesitating, but Meredith kept passive and let her kiss her. Her arms fell lifelessly by her sides, and she let out a small moan.

Then something changed, Meredith changed from being passive to suddenly gasp and threw her arms around her, kissing her passionately. Her fingers entangled in her hair, one finding her neck and the other found the way through Addison's scrubs, sending shock waves through her body as her hand touched her skin, going from her stomach to hurriedly finding her breast. Addison groaned, pressed her as close as possible to her body and bit her slightly on her lip, sucking on it. Trying to keep her even closer even if it'd be just for a second.

Addison's grip around her lip got loose and Meredith began placing kisses down her neck, nibbling on her earlobe and it just became too much when she felt her warm breath touch the spot right under her ear. She needed her naked. It wasn't like a normal sex-wish, it was a real need, like a life or death need. She needed to be naked with her now.