I Don't Hate You

Chapter 9: Dealing with Reality

"What's wrong?" Meredith asked tensely, seeing the change in her eyes. "What did he do to you?"

"Nothing."

Meredith sighed. "Addison..."

She sat down on the bed. Her half emptied martini stood at the bedside table. She took it and swooped it down.

"What did he say?" Meredith asked, sounding more urgent.

"I told you, nothing," Addison said, baring to give her a glance. "I think... I think we should stop this... Before it gets ugly..."

"But…"

"Meredith," Addison interrupted her beginning of a plead, went up and kissed her hard on her lips. "I just can't do this to him. I can't let you do this to him."

Her eyes were teary, and Meredith was obviously not a person who cried, so she knew this hurt her.

"He's the better guy."

"You're not a guy," she managed to protest.

"Meredith."

"Addie... I don't want to be with him."

"But why have you stayed with him?"

"I haven't, he's just assuming things, but I guess I also haven't ended it either..."

"Exactly."

There was a silence, a silence of acceptance, she'd like to say. But then again, she didn't know what went on in Meredith's head.

She'd be happy. She'd be happy with Derek. Derek would be happy and she would manage to see them happy together, after some time. She was doing the right thing here. Being the better person.

"Okay," Meredith said and turned around and walked abruptly to the door.

Opening it, she turned around and looked at Addison.

"You look nice in that dress. Blue suits you," she said, before she walked out, closing the door behind her.

Martini.

~GA~

Addison had discovered a very nice drink at the hotel bar. An Applepolitan, she'd never known about it before. Like Cosmo, but green, and apple-y.

The day before she'd been to work. And the day before that. Completely normal. Normal and avoiding and drinking during the nights.

"Addison," Meredith's voice suddenly said in her head. Great, now she's begun hallucinating things too. How much more could god punish her?

"Addison," Meredith said again, but it didn't sound like Meredith. It probably wasn't Meredith either, so she turned around and saw that it was Cristina Yang. "You're drunk," the woman stated. "Let's go," she said impatiently.

"Go where?" Addison frowned.

"To your room."

"Why? I know I'm always sleeping with the inappropriate people. I'm a cheater. I am. There I said it. Cheater. Me. But, if you think that would make me an easy target because of the cheating on the husband and then cheating on him again but with his girlfriend and then you might think I'd want to cheat on the girlfriend with you because you are her best friend, or person or whatever, which probably is worse. And I admit, that'd be something I might have done... do... or something. But, my point is, that you aren't getting any of this," Addison rambled, making a clumsy gesture toward her body.

"You done?"

Addison sighed, considering the fact that she might have made a fool of herself.

"Yeah... What do you want?"

"I've bought bagels," she said, showing her a paper bag with food. "You are going to eat, sober up, take a bath and then we're going to talk," Cristina said simply.

Addison just stared at her.

"Come on," Cristina said, pulling her out of her chair, paying the drinks for her and then helping her go up to her room.

While inside the hotel room Cristina went into her doctor-role, where she was cold, effective and robot-like. She took Addison's purse out of her hand and put it on a shelf. She didn't look her in the eyes, didn't put any emotion into her actions, and that was probably why she just let her take her clothes off, and ran a bath for her.

Cristina left her alone in the bathroom. She had made a bubble bath for her. The water was a little bit too warm, but it felt nice. It felt nice to be taken care of. But as she laid there, she couldn't help but think this all was a bit strange.

Why did Yang care?

The door opened and Cristina went in. She sat down on the toilet, clasping her hands in her knees and looked at her intently.

"I'm straight," Cristina said curtly.

"Me too."

"Yeah right," she snorted.

Addison sat up, making sure the bubbles were covering her breasts, and glared at Cristina.

"Why are you here?"

Cristina grabbed a towel and gave it to Addison. "Take it. Dry your hands."

Addison did so, but with a question mark written all over her face.

"Now you can eat the bagel," she said, taking it out of the bag she hadn't noticed she had brought with her into the bathroom. "I'll go get you a glass of water."

Cristina came back with the glass and she watched her eat in silence for a while.

"Why are you here?" Addison asked her again.

"You've been avoiding Meredith for over a week. And now you're about to drink yourself to death."

Addison started to protest, but the glare she got from the other woman shut her right back up. She took another bite of her bagel instead.

"Okay, I usually don't do this emotion-crap but apparently it's needed here so I'll just go with it. Here it goes. Meredith is my best friend. She's not only my best friend, because she's my person, I'm her person. We're each others persons. I'm the only one who knows who Meredith Grey is. So apparently I have to step in."

"It's none of your business what we do or do not do."

"It is my business. I'm her person. She's my person. And I can't let her go back to... him," she said bitterly.

"It's not my fault if she chooses Derek."

"But she would choose you over him, if she had the chance."

"Yet she didn't."

"Oh come on. We all know she'd choose you over him."

"Derek doesn't."

"Here's the deal," Cristina said, rolling her eyes. "Meredith has issues. I'm sure you've noticed the dark and twisty sides of her. There's lots of daddy issues and mommy issues too. The point is, that she will stay with Derek if you don't step the fuck up."

Addison lifted her eyebrows. "She's a grown woman, you know that right?"

"Whatever. Finish your bagel, the bath and then come out so I can talk some sense into you."

~GA~

When Addison had finished the bath she felt sober. Or at least much more sober and clear than before. Cristina was sitting on her bed with crossed legs, flipping uninterestedly through the TV-channels.

Addison seated herself beside her.

"So...," she began.

"How do you feel?" Cristina asked, but the question seemed strange when coming out of her mouth.

"How do I feel?"

"Yes. I ask questions about your feelings and you answer. That's how it works. I'm being a good friend here."

"A robot-friend maybe."

"Hey, I'm not here to be called names, I'm here for you. All of this is about you. So just talk," Cristina said with an annoyed tone, waving around with the remote control.

"Okay... Derek came here before Meredith and I were supposed to go on a date."

"Yeah, she told me. What happened?"

"He was sad. Miserable. He thought Meredith was having an affair," she mumbled, avoiding Cristina's gaze. "Which she is... But he didn't know it was with... me..."

"Oh."

"Yep."

"Wow. But... so... So you got all McGuilty about being a cheater and now you are sort of the cheater again?"

Addison nodded.

"But it's Meredith who's the cheater this time," Cristina reasoned. "You should let her figure this out and not take that role for her. It isn't fair to do that."

"But without me in the picture I wouldn't be hurting Derek."

"Why do you even care about Derek? This isn't about him."

"Of course it is. He's involved."

"But now you're hurting Meredith while trying to not hurt Derek."

"She's the one who hasn't broken up with him," Addison pointed out.

"Yes, so leave it to her. It's her thing to do. She's got abandonment issues, she needed some time to figure out she won't be abandoned by you and then she could have faced the Derek-thing."

"Ah, and now I abandoned her," Addison breathed.

"Are you in love with her?"

Addison met Cristina's eyes. They looked sincere. So she nodded.

"No offense Cristina," Addison said before Cristina would have time to say anything else, "but if she really wants me, then she should break up with him. I'm trying to do the right thing here."

~GA~

Working. She wasn't drinking. She had Callie, Miranda, Mark and now also Cristina, sort of, as her friends. She was good at her job and she wasn't alone doing it. It made her feel better. It kept her sane.

They were existing in total silence, her and Meredith. Meredith had refused to talk to her since the night at the hotel room.

Another couple of weeks passed.

Derek was still his normal, overly happy self. It meant that Meredith had done the right thing and stayed with the guy. It didn't feel as the right thing though.

She just wish she didn't care. Why couldn't she not-care? She started hating herself for not being able to just let her go.

Plus that she had to work with her, which was awkward.

She seemed to find a routine in avoiding Meredith, in pretending to be A-Okay with it all. But she wasn't fine with seeing her with Derek. She wasn't fine with being alone. But she wouldn't beg. She wasn't the begging kind of girl.

~GA~

One morning, an especially depressing morning since it was the day when she and Mark would have had their baby. Derek didn't know, but he didn't make it any better when he threw her misery right at her face, probably completely unaware of what he was doing but nevertheless.

He kissed Meredith right in front of her and Addison wanted to look away but couldn't make herself. Her grip around the charts tightened as she wished she was able to leave, but she couldn't, and she stared at the scene in front of her and her eyes could have just burned a hole in Derek's back.

Meredith pushed him away.

"What is it?" he asked, confused.

She glanced at Addison's direction and met Addison's steel gaze. They both looked away.

"We're at work," Meredith said and started walking away from him.

He followed her. "And so what?" he asked her and Addison couldn't hear the rest of their conversation.

She looked down at the chart and breathed raggedly, realizing she'd been holding her breath.

Suddenly Mark grabbed her by the arm, pulled her with him and pushed her into an empty on-call room.

"What are you doing?" she demanded.

"Addie I just saw it. Don't try to not know what this is about," Mark said, locking the door. "I saw how you looked at them... Can't you just move on?"

She saw how he looked. He was having a ruff cold going on.

"Oh my god, look at you," she said, for a moment forgetting about her own problems.

"I'm miserable."

"It's the rain...," she started.

"Just shut up, Addison."

"What?"

"Everything's messed up. You haven't gotten over Derek or Meredith or I don't know what's going on in your head. I don't even know who you are anymore," he said angrily and she just waited for him to continue, she had nothing to say to him, she didn't need to explain.

"You shouldn't have aborted the baby," he said quietly.

"If you'd had the baby we'd be together in New York right now," he continued. "It wouldn't be raining, and even if it was we wouldn't care because we'd be together. We'd be together. And I'd have a family instead of a walking pneumonia and a next best friend who hates me."

"You didn't want to raise a child, Mark. You wanted to trump Derek. You wanted to win."

"Don't make this my fault. You didn't want a baby."

"No, I did want a baby, Mark. That last woman you slept with before I left New York, Charlene, peds nurse... Did you think she's the only one I knew about? You're rewriting history, Mark. We wouldn't still be together. We weren't a great couple. And you would have made a terrible father, Mark. I did want a baby, I did, I just... I just didn't want one with you."

She walked out of there. Not permitting herself to feel horrible about the harsh things she'd just said. He wasn't any better.

~GA~

She blamed her elevated misery on that it was the due date that day and her general misery on not wanting to be the bad guy and destroy the thing Derek and Meredith had.

Maybe, if she'd kept the baby, she wouldn't be all alone. She wouldn't have Mark, that was for sure, but she wouldn't be lonely. She'd have a baby right now, or about to have a baby...

"I'm sorry that he did that," Meredith mumbled when they were working. Addison wasn't sure she had heard right, she was so lost in thought.

"I beg your pardon?" she said, looking up from a woman's womb she was suturing.

"That he uhm, did like that in front of everyone... In front of you, I understand that it must hurt you."

Addison broke the eye contact and went back to work.

"Grey, I have no idea what you're talking about and you should concentrate, we have a woman's life in our hands," she said.

But she lied. She knew exactly what she was talking about, why wouldn't she? She knew Meredith understood how she felt when she met her gaze when Derek had kissed her that morning.

It hurt too much to admit it. Whatever Yang had said, the assumed feelings Meredith held for her wasn't enough, and Derek... She had to feel more for him than her, and of course, why wouldn't she? She couldn't fight him. She couldn't win her.

She had already lost.

~GA~

"I brought you coffee," Meredith said, putting down the cup in front of her at her desk.

"Thank you," Addison mumbled, barely looking at her.

Meredith sighed, turned on her heels and went for the door. But then she suddenly turned around and said "You have no right."

"Excuse me?" Addison asked, looking up at her for real for once.

"You have no right to treat me like this," Meredith said, clenching her tiny fists.

Addison waited for her to speak.

"I'm trying. I'm trying here. But you... You hurt me."

"What? I hurt you?" Addison asked, removing her glasses and feeling fury rising up.

"Yes, you won't even talk to me ever since we were supposed to have our date. You haven't even told me why properly. What, because he's the better guy, because you can't be the bad guy?" Meredith repeated Addison's words from their break up. "That's just bullshit! What do you feel, Addison? Tell me," she begged.

Addison got to her feet and leaned over the desk.

"Why would you want to know what I feel?"

Meredith bit her lip, decided what to do, then reached over and kissed her. Addison's anger melted. She wanted her, she desired her with her whole being...

She pushed her away. Meredith looked hurt.

"What do you want from me, Meredith?"

"I want you," she said.

"Really? If that's so then break up with Derek for me."

Meredith's lips formed a small O in suprise.

"I... I-"

"You're scared. You hesitate. That's why I treat you like this," she said, sat down and waved her dismissively away. "You can come back when you actually do decide. Because you can't have both. I'm sorry, Mer, I thought I could sneak around with you, but when I realized the consequences of our actions, I just couldn't continue doing it, and I won't start again. So, if you do decide that you want to be with me instead of Derek, I'll be here..."

She made a pause, thinking whether she should continue and just empty everything in her heart at Meredith. But no, she decided as she looked at Meredith's ambivalent expression, she would keep her face, she would keep her pride and she wouldn't say how much she hated this situation, she wouldn't beg, she wouldn't make her feel sorry for her. She would definitely not get down on her knees and if she wanted to be with her, she would come because of love and not because of shame or guilt.

"That's all I have to say. So you can go now," Addison finished without looking at Meredith. She didn't look up because she didn't want Meredith to say anything she didn't mean, because she knew, with her very foolish heart, that she would buy everything she said, and just fall even more and then be gravely disappointed and she didn't want that.

"Addison...," Meredith started, but Addison just shook her head slightly, and she quietened before she turned and left her alone in her office.

When the door shut, Addison felt like sinking through the floor and dying for a while so she let her forehead drop to the desk.

~GA~

"I don't like this," Callie suddenly said during lunch.

"Like what?"

"Like how you've become. You're acting weird."

"No, I'm not," Addison sighed.

"That's a weird answer," Callie said, pointing at her with her fork.

"No, it's not."

"I just want you to be normal again," she whined.

"I am," Addison said and Callie lifted her eyebrows. "I am," she emphasized. "I'm trying to be at least," she muttered, poking at her salad.

"Can you at least tell me what's going on?"

"Nothing's going on..."

"Addie, you're a bad liar. And it annoys me that you even think you can fool me," Callie said.

"I aborted Mark's baby," she said lifelessly.

"Tell me," she urged softly.

"About eight months ago I... peed on a stick... And I wasn't even... I wasn't even gonna tell him, but then I did, tell him, and uhm, he went out and bought this insane Yankees onesie and calendar and marked the due date which, I should mention, was today..."

"You didn't want a baby?"

"I wanted Derek. I wanted to have a baby with Derek. I'd never thought I'd end up alone," she said and as she said it tears threatened to burst out.

"Hey, you have not ended up anywhere," Callie said and took her hand across the table.

"It's just that uhm... Sometimes it feels that way you know. This is one of those days...," she said with clear crying and took a sip of her coffee.

~GA~

"Addison?"

"Hi Derek. Come in," she said silently as he stepped into her office.

"You're working with Meredith..."

"I am aware of the fact, yes," she said, leaning back in her chair.

"I just wonder if you knew anything...?"

"I know plenty."

"About how she is? She's been acting so sullen..."

"Maybe she's got PMS."

"For almost a month?" he said sarcastically.

Addison shrugged. "I don't know everything Derek."

"So, she hasn't said anything to why that can be?"

She shook her head. "Nope."

"Okay," he sighed. "Thanks anyway, see you in surgery."

"Yeah, see ya."

~GA~

In surgery later Derek worked on the woman's brain at the same time as Addison and Meredith monitored the baby.

"Hurry up Dr. Shepherd, we're soon having fetal distress. I don't want to take out this baby."

"I'm almost done," he said slowly as he was deeply concentrated in work.

"Can I look?" Meredith asked him or her, they weren't sure. She was obviously more interested in neuro than neonatal.

Addison sighed. "It's nothing you haven't seen before and you're on my service, Grey."

"Yes, sorry, Dr. Montgomery," Meredith said and sloped her shoulders.

The baby's pulse started to rise.

"Hurry Derek," Addison said again.

"Just two more minutes..."

"The baby doesn't have two minutes!"

"I'm finishing this," he said.

It was always like this...

"Fine, I'm taking the baby out," Addison decided. "Grey, you want to do this?"

"Seriously? All by myself?"

"Yes, I'll be right by your side. Or maybe you want to observe Shepherd..."

"No, no, no. This is just fine!" she reassured her.

"Good," Addison couldn't help but smirk triumphantly. Derek was luckily to concentrated in the patient's brain to notice it.

"Scalpel," Meredith said contently.

"Careful now, not too deep. Two inches... Yes, exactly... Stop. Perfect," Addison said, coaching Meredith through the first incision.

"I can feel the baby's head," Meredith said excitedly.

Addison nodded encouragingly. "Move your hands around... Yes, like that..."

"And now I pull?"

"Now you pull."

The baby came out, bluish and small.

"Give her to me," Addison said. "Cut the cord, Grey," she said and then hurried over with the baby to try to make it breathe.

Meredith followed her and watched how she did a tiny CPR. The baby started screaming and pink up and Addison relaxed.

"You did good," she said and smiled at the intern.

They finished up. The surgery was a success, even though they had to take the baby out.

While scrubbing out Meredith said "That was amazing. Thank you so much Add... Dr. Montgomery, for letting me do that."

"It was my pleasure," Addison smiled, but was careful with it and didn't want to smile to big in Derek's presence. She also hoped he hadn't noticed Meredith's little mishap.

"You want to choose neonatal as your specialty now?" Derek asked.

"Uhm, I don't know...," Meredith hesitated, not daring to say no in Addison's presence.

"Haven't you taught her everything now Addison? Can't you let me have her now?"

His words stung her. Since she wouldn't let herself share Meredith with him, work was the only place where she got to be near Meredith, and losing that now seemed close to the end of the world. She knew it wouldn't be that dramatic, but it was her greatest joy of the day. Truly. Tragically.

She cleared her throat. "I could hardly have taught her everything, Derek. I'm after all one of the best in my area. And, you'd have to ask the chief."

~GA~

The following day she was paged by the chief to come to his office. While there she found both Meredith and Miranda there, so she wasn't surprised that it was about Meredith's punishment.

"So, Addison, I wanted to know if you felt like everything was cleared up between you and Meredith? She says it's time for her to try other specialties."

"No," Addison said blankly.

"What?" Meredith said.

"Explain," Richard frowned.

"She's my intern, she's not the one to decide when she's done with me, with my area. I am her attending and I am the one to decide."

"But, Dr. Montgomery, with all due respect, I'm her resident and she's been on your service for almost two months now and I'd say it's time for her to learn other things," Miranda said.

"And I am also the boss of you," Addison said immaturely.

"Addison!" Richard gasped.

"No. I won't let you control my life. This is work and this is something I can control and I know that I'm not done with her yet and I won't let you tell me otherwise," she said, gesturing exaggeratedly as she always did when she got fired up and then stormed out of there.

She went to her office where she fought back the tears, feeling horrible. Betrayed.

She knew it was all stupid to feel that way. Meredith had a right to her education and they both knew that she wasn't going into neonatal later on. But she had gone behind her back, she hadn't even asked her and now she wanted to take away the last piece Addison had of her?

Meredith came into her office twenty minutes later.

"Hey... The chief decided to give you 30% of my time...," she told her softly.

"Okay," Addison nodded.

"I'm sorry," Meredith said.

"It's fine," Addison said and then her face crumpled as she started to cry for real. Maybe she should have just let it all out when she could have before Meredith had come there...

"Oh, Addie, I didn't know... I thought...," Meredith started but quietened as Addison shook her face and turned away from her.

Then she felt Meredith's arms wrap around her, and she turned around, pulled her closely and cried against her shoulder.

Meredith didn't say anything, just waited for her to stop crying. When Addison had calmed down she pulled away, told her a silent "thanks" and Meredith nodded, got the message and left her there.