A/N: I am completely aware of having taken like a year to update this story. I just want to tell you that there's no need to worry, I haven't given up! And I won't! I haven't had time to write because I've moved to another town and during the last month I've been having my (French, should be pointed out) exams (and since they're French they're crazily difficult and extremely hardcore and time consuming). Anyway, now I'm free from school work until the end of August. With other words, I'm back bitches! ;D

Thank you for sticking with me and I hope the wait hasn't been too painful! Just because of my long disappearing from the world of Fanfiction I'm posting an extra long chapter. Lots of love! Xx The Hannalizer

I Don't Hate You

Chapter 12: A Desired Struggle

During her break she saw that she had gotten a message from Meredith.

From Meredith (03:43 PM):

Think we should tell my friends soon. They haven't understood anything yet, but Alex is a pain. Tomorrow?

To Meredith (04:03 PM):

If we're telling your friends we should tell Derek too, right?

From Meredith (04:05 PM):

Idk :S

Addison sighed. Yeah... Maybe it was better to wait a bit... On the other hand, it would be terrible if people found out through the grapevine. And by people she meant Derek.

~GA~

After the surgery she went to get Karev. The blackmailing had worked on her so he was back on her service.

"Have you done post-op?"

"Yes."

"Good," she approved and looked through a pile of papers, "then you can fill out these-"

"Already done, ma'am."

Addison lifted her eyebrows.

"Okay...," she said and crossed her arms. "Have you checked up on Mrs. Fernandez?"

"Twenty minutes ago."

"Very good, Karev," she said, frowning.

It was really impressive, actually, because he had done a lot. He must really enjoy his job... Or he felt guilty about his previous ways so he was trying to make it up to her. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to have him after all.

"So... You and Meredith, huh?"

"Yep," she nodded. Not feeling entirely comfortable talking about her love life with him.

"Let's see... How can I use you?" she thought loudly, changing the subject. Wanting to send him away as quickly as possible. What was slaves for right?

Alex got a crooked smile, apparently misunderstanding what she'd meant. She gave him a stern look.

"Yeah... I can't come up with anything for you to do so you can go to the pit and make yourself useful until I page you."

"Oh, come on," he whined.

She tilted an eyebrow.

"Fine," he said and off he went.

She stayed there by the nurse's station, filled up some remaining charts.

Derek came.

"When Richard asked you to come out here, what did you use for bait?" he asked.

"He told me that I would have the foremost neonatal unit west of Manhattan," she answered a bit absentmindedly.

"Alright, he didn't say anything about being chief?"

He suddenly caught her attention. "Why? What do you know?"

"Nothing. I know what you know," he said, quickly walking away.

"You're lying!" she called after him.

~GA~

Meredith had a break and came and joined her in her office. She smiled and went to kiss her.

"You know what?" Addison said. "I think the Chief is stepping down."

"Yeah I know."

"What?"

"He was going to give it to Burke but now he's not sure," Meredith answered simply, as if it wasn't a big deal.

"Really? Why haven't you told me?" she asked quietly.

"Oh, Addie, I'm sorry, I didn't know you wanted to be Chief?"

"Of course I do. I'm a surgeon," she frowned. "And a highly qualified one... I'm gonna fight," she said, slipping into some kind of dream world of how the future could be. Her, sitting in Richard's chair...

Meredith kissed her, and she forgot all about being chief.

"Come here," she murmured and took her into her lap. She straddled her over the chair, she made her hands travel down her ass.

Meredith giggled.

"I'm sorry, I don't have time," she said, kissing her a couple of times as if to smother that flaw in kisses.

Addison pouted.

"When will I see you?"

"I don't know. Tonight, if we don't run into each other before that, I mean."

Addison nodded. "I will hang around the nurse's station just to catch you," she said.

"That's... strangely romantic," she laughed. "Oh, and by the way! Sloan said something about leaving today."

"He did?" Addison said, lifting her eyebrows and smiling contently. "Well, well... Not too shabby."

Meredith laughed. "Yeah, I guess you're right," she said.

"Another thing... How are we going to tell people... about us?"

"Uhm, as I see it, we have about three alternatives. We could make a scene in front of everyone so everyone knows at the same time. Or, we could tell just my friends first, or just Derek first... Or I don't know..."

"Wouldn't it be cruel to Derek if we made a scene?"

"Yep."

"Why don't we tell him and our close ones and then we can discuss making a scene?"

"Okay."

~GA~

After visiting a patient, sending of Karev once again, because she found it creepy to be near him, she was on her way to the nurse's station when she heard a conversation between Mark and Meredith.

They hadn't seen her, so she kept her distance and just listened in on them.

"You're quitting?" Meredith said, not looking up from her charts.

"As soon as I find the chief and hand him my letter of resignation."

"Why?" she smiled, she was totally mocking him.

"I hate it here. I hate the town, I hate the weather. I hate the people. They're mean, they're unforgiving."

"Aha," Meredith smiled even bigger. "The people of Seattle are unforgiving or are Derek and Addison?"

"Which is your point?"

She giggled and asked something else but there he was again... Karev.

"Dr. Montgomery," he said, taking a swift hold of her upper arm.

"Now is not a good time – Karev!" she protested as he pulled her into a cleaning closet. While in the closet she said "Karev, listen to me."

"No, you listen," he closed the door. "I kissed you. And you kissed me back and then had some horrible sex," he said and she took off her glasses. "Ever since you've been avoiding me."

She sighed. "Alex."

"No, you've been avoiding me because you just assume that I want you. You just expect that everyone you look at sideways are pining after you, right? Has it even occurred to you that maybe I'm not interested?"

She looked at him with surprise and shock... And maybe a little hurt? She hadn't expected that.

"You're not interested?" she asked insecurely.

"Do you think I just wanna be another intern sleeping with an attending?"

"But you wanted to?"

He chuckled. "You're my boss! I mean, what do you expect me to do?"

She hadn't got anything to say.

He sighed. "Look, Sloan's had me changing bandages all day and I would way rather be scrubbing in on one of your surgeries and if you keep avoiding me then I don't get to scrub in. So stop avoiding me! It happened, but it doesn't have to happen again. And I get the thing with you and Meredith, you've already got an intern to sleep with you, and I'm sorry for blackmailing you, but just stop avoiding me!"

She nodded. "Alright," she said and he left her there.

She let the shock settle and the message sink in before she went back to the nurse's station, where Meredith and Mark no longer were present. She took some charts and went to work, feeling oddly numb after Alex's speech.

After checking on a patient she went to her office with a cup of coffee. Just as she sat down on her comfy chair, Derek stormed in through the door seeming to have fury steaming out of his pores.

"Addison," he growled.

Oh, crap. He knew.

She stared at him with fright and slowly stood up.

"I just talked to Mark," he spat.

Oh, no...

"And apparently Meredith told him that the Chief is stepping down."

It was like the air in her lungs sipped out.

"She did?" she croaked.

"She gave him a reason to stay!"

Addison felt like fainting, which was strange. It was like she'd been holding her breath, or just forgot to breathe, and been so terrified that when she actually relaxed, her brain would want her to black out.

She sat down.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked her, finally noticing which kind of state she was in. "You're pale."

"It's nothing. I'm fine..."

Derek frowned slightly at her, and then he shrugged.

"I'm gonna go yell on Meredith now."

"No, don't yell on Meredith, Derek. She doesn't need you to yell," she said exasperatedly.

"Why do you care?"

Addison sighed. "You're really talking to her?"

"If it's on a yelling basis, then yes."

"You're immature," she muttered.

"Fine! I won't yell at her," he said and stormed out of there.

Always so dramatic that man.

She decompressed a bit. Feeling her heart slow down after her fright.

It wasn't until later, as she actually saw Mark that the news Derek had come with bothered her.

"Addison, you didn't tell me the Chief is stepping down," he said and smiled charmingly.

"No, why would I?"

Actually, she hadn't known, but if she had known she wouldn't have told him and there was no point in giving him the pleasure of knowing that she hadn't known either.

"Are you in the run for Chief too?" he asked.

"Why would you assume that I wouldn't be? But, you're leaving for New York. You're going home. So you have no reason to care, right?"

"Oh, I'm not going home now."

"Go home! You hate it here. Or I don't know, go to LA and be with Sam."

"Sam? I haven't talked to him in ages. Plus... They're running a private practice-"

"You know that we used to too?" She reminded him bitterly.

"Ah, but it's small... And here I can be the Chief."

"You're absurd."

~GA~

She began getting angry by the fact that Mark didn't seem to leave Seattle anymore. She didn't want him there. He was annoying and reminded her of things she didn't want to be reminded of. She wanted to start out fresh with Meredith.

How could she have told him that there was an opening for Chief of Surgery?

She needed to confront her with that. Get it out of her system.

She found her in a study room.

"Derek came to talk to me," Addison said as she stepped inside. "You told Mark?"

Meredith sighed.

"Not you too. Derek has already been here to yell at me, so you don't have to do it again. And as I told him, I didn't know that that was a secret."

"But Meredith... He was going to go back to New York...," she almost pleaded, as if Meredith could turn back time and change what has already been said and done.

"I'm sorry."

That response irritated her. It was as if Meredith didn't understand the gravity of the situation. She shook her head and pursed her lips.

"Whatever, forget it," she snarled and turned on her heels and walked out of there. She didn't want to speak to her anymore for the moment.

"Addison!" Meredith called after her but she ignored her.

~GA~

She met Burke outside of Richard's office. He lied about his reason to be there.

Derek joined them.

"What are you doing here?" he asked them, naturally assuming that he would be the one for the job.

He'd always been so egocentric.

"We're waiting to see the Chief," Burke answered.

"You too?" Derek directed the question toward her.

"Yes, Derek, both of us," she said sarcastically.

"You're unbelievable," he said coldly.

"I'm unbelievable? When the Chief steps down you automatically assume that it's between you and Burke?"

"You think he's gonna pick you?"

"Well the fact that he hasn't tapped one of you yet means that he has another candidate in mind."

"What? No one invited me to the party?" Mark said, joining them too.

The next thing that happened was that they saw the Chief. Derek started yelling Chief, Chief and Addison yelled, repeatedly that she had an appointment. Everyone talked in each others mouths.

"Stop, stop stop. One at a time here. You," he said to Mark. "What's all this about?"

"Well they all wanna be chief. And for the record, so do I."

They laughed at him. "Oh please," Burke said.

"All of you, I've had a perfect day. I went to the board this morning and told them I was retiring. I saved a life. And now I'm off to see my wife. It has been a perfect day until you four fools try to ruin it. A man can't be happy he's retiring around here! Not with you vaulters trying to pick my bones."

"I am retiring, but I do not know when that will be, because at this point I don't see any front runners. Excuse me," he finished and left.

They all followed him, shouting in each others mouths again.

They all sat down when the Chief had left, on the over-walk everyone feeling kind of stupid, trying to melt everything.

"He's really doing it."

"Hm," Derek agreed in a hum.

"He's really retiring," Addison thought aloud.

"One of us could be Chief," Mark said.

"No," Burke disagreed, pointing at Addison, Derek and himself, "one of us could be Chief. You? I don't think so."

"Yeah," Derek said.

"Yeah," Addison repeated.

"Oh, I could be Chief," Mark protested.

"You're delusional," Derek said, shaking his head.

"Mark Sloan, Chief of Surgery... That makes me vomit a little in my mouth," Addison said and Derek and Burke laughed.

~GA~

When it was time to go home she went to the intern's locker room to find Meredith, since she hadn't come to her office to go get her.

Stevens and Yang was there, changing clothes.

"Excuse me," she said, trying not to look at them. "I just wondered if you've seen Grey?"

"Oh, she left already. She was supposed to give me a ride," Stevens said bitterly, "but she left."

"Oh, okay. Thank you. Have a good evening," she said before she left.

She pondered whether she'd dare to go home to Meredith. She had been there before, but it would equal as a risk to be seen by her friends.

She decided that she could take the chance. They were about to tell them anyway, so who cared?

She decided that sneaking in would be a better option. She couldn't know who were to open the door if she rang on the door bell or knocked.

She opened it as quietly as possible, then sneaked in and shut it as possible again.

She stopped and listened. There was noise coming out from the kitchen.

She removed her shoes silently and then tip-toed to the kitchen and peeked in, but quickly removed her head from view.

Shit, it was Alex and O'Malley.

She had to pass the kitchen. Meredith was probably upstairs.

She made a try to sneak past the kitchen and Alex saw her. He looked at her with surprised, questioning eyes. She put a finger to her lips and shook her head.

"Oh, what's that on the stove?" Alex suddenly said and O'Malley looked at it to see what he meant.

Addison could sneak by without O'Malley seeing something in the corner of his eye and realize who it was.

When she reached the stairs she heard Karev say "Oh, nothing, I must have been imagining things."

The stairs creaked a bit, so she tried to support as much of her weight as possible on the banisters. It reminded her of the time when she was a child and not wanting to let the Captain know that she heard him cheating on Bizzy.

She shook the thought out of her head. Her family was messed up, and here she was, breaking an entry. Pretty messed up too.

As she found the top floor she calmed down. The door was opened to Meredith's room.

She went there and stayed by the opening.

"You left without me," she stated as she saw how Meredith closed her wardrobe. She just looked at her. "Now you're not talking to me."

She sat down on the bed. Addison stayed where she was, looking at her feet.

She sighed. "I was a bitch. Sometimes girlfriends can be bitches, but it doesn't mean you stop talking to them," she said, waiting for Meredith to respond, but she didn't. "You get that I'm saying I'm sorry, right?"

"You yelled at me for no reason, and then you walked away and now you show up here."

"Of course I showed up. Why wouldn't I? You do trust me, don't you?"

"I do."

"Okay... Well this is how it works, sometimes you fight and then somebody say they're sorry."

"Well, how am I supposed to know that?" Meredith rolled her eyes.

Realization hit Addison. "You've never done this before! Then I mean the relationship thing in general, not the girl thing... You haven't even done this with a guy before, have you?"

"No, I've never done this before."

"Hm... Okay," she said walking over to her. "From now on you can expect that I'm going to show up even if I yell," she said and stroked her cheek. "Even if you yell. I'm always gonna show up. Okay?" she smiled.

"Okay," she smiled back.

Addison leaned down and kissed her, then kissed her on her forehead and pulled her into a hug.

"You are going to be an excellent Chief," Meredith said.

~GA~

In the morning she woke up by the sound of movement and rushing of the other interns in Meredith's house.

She opened her eyes reluctantly. Her girl was snoring beside her. It was adorable.

She snuggled close to her and wrapped her leg around her waist. Gave her a peck on her nose.

Meredith opened her eyes.

"Good morning gorgeous," Addison whispered.

Meredith smiled and stretched slightly, then pulled her even closer into the embrace.

Stevens suddenly barged in through the door.

"Meredith, we're gonna be late for rounds! Oh!" She suddenly exclaimed as she saw Addison, who jumped away from Meredith, trying to cover herself up as much as possible.

"I knew you couldn't be making all that noise yourself. I mean... Who has a vibrator that good?" she said.

"Izzie!" Meredith exclaimed.

George suddenly popped in his head as well.

"Oh my god," he just said and turned around, covering his eyes. "I did not just see that. I did not just see that... Did I?"

"Well," Addison said, standing up with the cover as a dress wrapped around her, "we were planning on telling you."

"Wow," Izzie said loudly. "I need some time to melt this... I mean... You...? Wow..."

"Yep," Addison said smugly, but Meredith looked angry.

"But why?" Izzie said, just not able to wrap her head around it.

"Out!" Meredith yelled.

"But for how long?" Izzie asked, ignoring Meredith's order.

"Out, out, out!" Meredith shouted, pushing her out of the room and slammed the door shut.

Addison laughed at her expression. She stood there with her back pressed against the door.

"Sometimes my room mates... Well, now you've met them when they're not pretending to be professional."

Addison chuckled.

"What?" Meredith said. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Addison dropped the cover and walked over to her, completely naked. She reached out her hands toward Meredith who looked at her with stunned eyes.

Meredith let her remove the other cover that she had used as her own type of dress and it fell to the floor.

"We don't have time. I'm gonna be late," she giggled as Addison led her to the bed.

"We'll be quick," she said smugly. "And I can always talk to Richard for you."

"It's not him that I'm afraid of. It's Bailey."

"I can talk to her as well. Now be quiet," she said as she let her hands caress her body, kissing her shoulders, then her breasts, down to her stomach. As she reached her inner thighs the door opened again and now there was Alex standing there, looking surprised, then pleased.

"Well, well," he said. "Can I join in?"

Addison threw a pillow at him, not having anything to cover herself sufficiently with she didn't really care, however Meredith automatically covered her breasts with her hands.

"Shut the door!"

"You'll be late," Alex said, but leaving and shutting it behind him. "But I guess you don't care!" he shouted through the door.

"You think he'll stay and listen?" Addison whispered.

"Yeah, he might," she whispered back, biting her lip. "Does this bother you? I mean, the roommates being able to listen in to us?"

"Honestly? Not really," she answered mischievously.

"You dirty girl..."

~GA~

The Chief was at the nurse's station and being pretty much harassed by Burke and Derek. Addison observed them from a slight distance. Mark came standing by her side.

"Hey," he said, standing to observe the same scenery.

"Did you tell Derek about... you know?"

"No, of course not."

"Good."

"Aren't you gonna get in there?" he asked her. "If you wanna be chief, you've gotta fight with the big boys."

"Oh, I intend to fight like a girl. I'll let them kill each other and then I'll be the only one left standing."

"And then there's me," he reminded her.

She frowned at him.

"There you go, underestimating me again," he sighed.

"Oh, it's not that I underestimate you, it's just that I don't think about you. At all," she smiled.

"Why you should," he said and went to lick some ass.

As she watched him startle Derek and Burke, she didn't noticed when Meredith showed up at her side until she smelled a huff of a special lavender shampoo.

"I brought you coffee," Meredith said.

"Thanks," Addison said and smiled at her, inwardly having to fight off an impulse to lean in and kiss Meredith, as if it was something she'd gotten used to doing.

She took her hand in hers, hidden behind the desk. She rubbed her thumb gently over the skin.

"I'm on Derek's service today," Meredith told her, after taking a sip of her coffee. They both stared in front of them, not daring to look at each other because they probably would look far too ominously in love if they both held hands and looked deeply into each others eyes.

"Again," Addison stated.

"Yep."

"Do you want to be a neurosurgeon?"

"I don't know..."

"Do you want me to free you from him?" Addison asked her in a mumble, barely moving her lips, as if Derek or Mark or anyone else would be able to read lips.

"Thanks for the offer but I think it's gonna be-"

She quietened as Derek began walking toward them. They quickly let go of each others hand and shuffled to their sides, creating a bigger distance between them.

"Addison, why aren't you fighting to be Chief?"

"Oh, I am," she said smugly. "I'm just using my brain instead of my muscles."

Derek rolled his eyes and turned around to walk away. "Are you coming Dr. Grey," he said. It should have been a question but it didn't sound like one at all.

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd," Meredith said, and gave Addison a perplexed look before jogging after her attending.

Addison sighed, took her coffee and went to work.