After that Sam, Dean and Cas had all ganged up on me to make me stay in whatever Motel we happened to be staying in at the time or least it felt like they were ganging up on me anyway.

I was at least happy to hear that Cas hadn't been able to kill the child either. He'd had a chance but he'd hesitated for just a second too long.

Once I started to feel a little better I insisted on reading more and at least taking part in some research to help. Cas reluctantly agreed after I told him it was the only way I was going to stay in the motel.

I hated just watching or hearing about everything that was going on around me and not been able to do anything to actively help. It only made me feel worse when Dean gambled 25 years of his life away and I wanted to perform the spell that would kill the witch he had gambled them away so so Dean could get his years back. Dean had told there was no chance he was going to let go hunting let alone take part in something that involved using power of any kind because it was too dangerous.

During a rare morning when I wasn't been "guarded" by either Cas, Dean, Sam or Bobby I started thinking about how this time had been worse than the last time I'd tapped into my power. I realised that next time there was a good chance I might not survive at all. But what choice did I have? Hunting was my life and I didn't know how to do anything else .I may have complained about the lack of normality in my life but how could I sit by and let the world go to hell if there was the tiniest chance I could have done something to help save it. It broke my heart to think about leaving Cas and everyone else I cared anything about but I couldn't live like this hiding in a motel room for the rest of my life while the people I loved put themselves in danger everyday.

As I realised that there was only one way this could end for me I reached for the pen and notepad beside my bed and began to write.

Cas please don't be mad at me.

I know now how this has to end for me and if you're reading this I hope that you can forgive me and that my death counted for something. I would give anything to stay here with you but it would be selfish of me to put the lives of so many people before my own desires.

If you want to do one last thing for me, then all I ask is that you carry on fighting to the end and don't let my death be meaningless

Thank you for everything you ever did for me.

I love you

Sarah

I cried as I folded the note and sealed it in an envelope then walked over to the coat stand and placed it in my inside coat pocket.

It was a few hours later when Cas found me curled up asleep on the floor after I'd cried myself to sleep.

I woke as he carried me over to the bed

"Hey" I managed a small smile

"Hey" he tucked me into bed and gently stroked my hair "are you OK?"

"Yes" I lied "How's Dean?"

"He back to normal" Cas told me

"That's good" I said relived "I feel so useless in here Cas"

"I know but we're only trying to keep you safe"

"You know as much as I love you, there will come a time when you have to let me go" I told him

"That's what I'm afraid of" He looked at me sadly

"I can't live like this, you guys are at risk everyday and I'm supposed to just stay in the motel?"

"Sarah the next time you might..." he couldn't bring himself to finish

"I know" I wrapped my arms around him "and I'll stay behind and read and do research for now" I told him "but when the big fight with Lucifer goes down I have to be there"

He pulled away "I don't want to lose you. You're too important to me" he said looking me in the eye which only made me feel worse

"I know but we can't put ourselves first, not ahead of the lives of everyone else, we just can't Cas" I began to cry again.