A/N: Thank you for all your reviews and your continued support of my story! I'm sorry for the long delays in between chapters lately. And now... the next installation of Misdirection.
Snow had time to calm down on his trip back to Bodhum. Going back empty-handed was not what he planned for. He never expected Lightning to be gone when he got there. Now Serah and Hope would be crushed that he didn't bring her home. What would he say to them?
Thinking about all the things he had to say to her and all the kisses he wanted to smother her with floated around in his head, and he gripped the steering wheel; knuckles white. He couldn't keep his feelings from boiling over when he was alone, flying down the roadway. He shook his head and pushed on the brake pedal, pulling onto the shoulder of the road and stopping with a jerk.
He brought his bruised fist down hard on the dashboard. "Why are you running?" he shouted in frustration, to the empty space beside him. Maybe if he thought about the sequence of events that lead up to Lightning's disappearance he'd find some clue as to why she was gone.
Ok, so there was the time at the waterfall, when we fell in the hole, the fal'Cie when I "died"... I woke up and saw Serah with Maqui and found out Lightning was gone...
He played the events over and over; sure that Serah hadn't left out any details, closing his eyes.
Serah said NORA found us and brought us back to Bodhum, and they took me to the hospital. She said that they had a vigil and a gathering, and that Lightning had left before that happened... and then I woke up almost a month later.
He drummed his fingers manically on the steering wheel as he thought. Think, man!
Lightning left before... the vigil... his eyes snapped open.
"She doesn't know I'm alive... she couldn't have. I didn't wake up until after she left!" he said aloud, once again to no one. But... he looked thoughtfully down at his hand on the wheel, asking himself the question again. Why leave?
"Maybe she missed me." he whispered and closed his eyes again, his chest tight with compassionate realization. There was no other explanation; if she hadn't cared she would have stayed. Why leave her home, and leave Serah, if she was fine? Why not just move on... unless she couldn't. Maybe that's why she started drinking too. Or... maybe he was just flattering himself.
Until he could ask Lightning in person, he decided to keep his theories to himself and would try to not dwell on them. But Light did have feelings. He knew she was complicated, but he just now came to the realization that her feelings included him, and it made a lump rise in his throat. Even so, he had no way to get in touch with her and he could only assume that another phone call from her may never come; but he would wait for one. He would bide his time with Serah and Hope and whatever was to come in the future until the day he got that phone call and then his whole life would change.
The sky was inky when Snow's heavy boots clomped up the narrow walkway. Taking a breath, he put his hand on the knob and started in the house. "I'm back!" His keys clattered as they met the side table where he'd found Lightning's picture that morning. Poking his head into the kitchen, he didn't see anyone, so he went out back to check the deck. Through the patio door he could see Serah and Hope sitting outside playing cards. He took another deep breath.
"Snow! You're back! Where's Light?" asked Hope excitedly, tossing his card hand down on the table standing to face the older man as he emerged onto the deck. Snow, although, didn't have a smile to offer.
He shook his head. "I just missed her. The hotel said she checked out an hour before I got there. I'm sorry, guys." He leaned back against the wall, running a hand through his messy locks and over his face.
"Oh..." said Hope, staring blankly at him. He also saw Serah looking at him from the corner of his eye, yet he couldn't meet either of their gazes. Feeling guilt rise, Snow shifted uncomfortably under their scrutiny.
"Hey, Hope... Can you excuse us? I would like to talk to Snow alone." said Serah, starting to collect the discarded playing cards on the table.
"Uh... Yeah. Sure." he said awkwardly, looking at Snow almost as if to ask if it was ok to leave them alone. Hope and Snow had grown close in the last few weeks. They spent the last few weekends together bonding over monster's corpses, and Hope was starting to develop into quite the young man with the help and guidance of Snow's friendship. Their relationship had been very easy since he returned to Bodhum and Snow was quick to love Hope like the little brother he had always wanted. On more than one occasion, Hope had demonstrated his astute perception and had alluded to knowing that Serah wasn't being entirely faithful to Snow, but he didn't want to get into it, so he played dumb. Hope dropped the issue and never addressed it again, but seemed to become more protective of the protector.
Snow nodded and smiled slightly, ruffling his hair familiarly with a large hand and Hope went inside without another word.
The patio door closed with a whisper and Serah motioned for Snow to sit in Hope's vacant seat. She tapped the deck of cards on the table to even them out, and tucked them back into their box.
"I don't know how to say this, so I guess I'll just say it." she looked at him and shrugged slightly.
Snow's eyebrows furrowed a bit at her forthcoming straightforwardness. He wasn't sure how much more he could take today. "Okay..."
"I'm leaving." she said clearly but failed to meet Snow's gaze. "I'm going to the university in Eden. The new semester starts at the end of the week."
"So soon?" Snow gaped.
"Yeah. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I didn't want you to try and talk me out of it." Her voice dropped off to a whisper. "I knew that you wouldn't come with me."
"You could have at least asked me!" He snapped at her without thinking. The fact that she had made a decision like that stung him. He thought he was at least worth keeping in the loop.
Serah's face turned very serious as she turned in her seat to look at him. "Snow. Would you leave Bodhum, and NORA and Hope to come to Eden and be with me while I go to school?"
Leave Bodhum and NORA and Hope... He saw her point and immediately felt like a jackass."I can't."
"I know." Her smile was sincerely sad, but she still played the part. He could never leave his work here in Bodhum with NORA. They were really starting to make things work; the new dangers feeding their desire to protect the people and the places that they loved. Hope was finally starting to settle in and things were going well for him. She stood awkwardly looking at Snow expectantly for a few moments when his rich timbre continued.
"But what about us?" he asked, his features soft. He knew where this was going; she was dumping him.
"I think it's best that we just stay friends. I worry about you so much when you go off to take care of a contract." This time when she spoke she sounded the most confident she had in the last few months.
Before he knew what he was saying, he reminded her that the trip to Eden was a short one, and that he could come all the time to visit and that they wouldn't have to break up. It all seemed to tumble out in desperation. Even though their relationship had naturally degraded, he still felt like a failure and it was hard to let things slip away. He remembered a time when Serah was all that mattered to him; a time when things were so simple and unambiguous. It had been fun while it lasted. And even though Snow had been ignorant as to what real passion was, he could never go back. How could you miss something you never had? The real pain came from knowing he had had it and let it slip through his fingers.
She smiled, coming to stand in front of his seated figure. He watched her face as she caressed his cheek with her doll-like hand. "Snow, I'll always love you." She started. "I'll always remember how you came for me. You will always have a very special place in my heart. I can't stand in the way of your work with NORA any more than you can stand in the way of my going to school. I want to make something of myself and help this new world Vanille and Fang gave us." She pressed her forehead to his. "I love you, but I can't sit at home and wonder if you'll come back to me alive. I went through your death once already. I don't think I could live through it again." He closed his eyes, putting his hands around the backs of her knees.
He nodded slightly, standing up to wrap his thick arms around her small frame in a big bear hug. She squeaked cutely as he squeezed her, her feet off the ground. He chuckled at the noise. "I'm gonna miss you."
"I don't think you'll have time to miss me." He put her down, and kissed her cheek sweetly. "I'll need someone to watch the house for me while I'm away. I would appreciate it if you and Hope would stay on here and take care of the place."
"Of course. Hope and I will be fine here. I'll keep an eye on him." Snow could hardly believe this was happening, and happening so soon. He knew one day they would come to part ways, but he didn't expect it now.
"There's one other thing I want to do before I leave. One other person who might know where Lightning is. I wanted to see if I can track down her old commanding officer, Amoda."
"Well, kiddo. I guess it's just you and me now." said Snow, coming into Hope's room through the open door. It really didn't look like the room of a fifteen year old. It was clean and tidy; nothing on the floor that shouldn't be and everything in its place. Serah had never gotten on Hope to clean his room or anything, so Snow guessed the kid had always been that way. Snow couldn't even keep his room clean now, and he was twenty-one.
Hope looked up from his book, curiosity getting the better of him. "What do you mean?"
"Serah just told me that she's leaving for school in Eden..." Snow sat down on the made bed at the end of Hope's outstretched legs. "... the day after tomorrow."
"Wow. So soon. Is she going to be living there too?" asked Hope, his voice holding a note of excitement. If Snow didn't know that Hope had caught onto Serah's little secret, he would have never known how much the teenager resented Serah. Although, Serah wasn't the only one that deserved Hope's resentment. He was sure that if the kid ever found out about him and Lightning he'd be crushed, especially since Snow was completely aware of their similar feelings for the fair soldier.
On this occasion, Hope looked like the cat that swallowed the canary because he could always get away with more with Snow than Serah. Snow sighed slightly. Though he couldn't entirely blame the kid for being excited about the lack of Serah's motherly presence. Hope was still a kid and had a long way to go when it came to tact. He still had that biting honesty of a child; a kid who spoke the truth no matter how much it hurt. To his credit though, Hope always spoke from the heart, whether he was using words to get his point across or not.
"Oh." Hope looked down at his hands. "Sorry. That was pretty insensitive..."
"Naw, it's ok, kid." Snow stared at the clean beige wall. "Serah will be much happier away from me. I don't think we would have gotten married in the end anyway..." he said quietly, and mostly to himself.
"What about us? Will we get to stay here? Or do I have to go back home...?"
"Actually, she's putting the house up for sale. I'm moving in with Gadot and you're moving in with Yuj and Maqui." said Snow, trying to be as serious sounding as possible. He knew Hope didn't get on well with those two.
"No way!" Hope said, giving Snow the rise he was hoping for. "I can't stand those guys! They're so immature! And have you seen their place? It's a pig sty!"
Snow couldn't hold back the laughter anymore and started chuckling.
"I'd rather live with Lebr – hey! What are you laughing about?" Hope demanded, crawling to his knees on the bed, punching Snow in the arm.
"Oh ho ho! Lebreau, hey? Maybe you have a little crush on her...? You'd probably love to move in with her! Maybe catch her getting out of the shower. Hmm?" he said teasingly, watching Hope's face redden as he received the little fists in his arm over and over. Still laughing maniacally, Snow dodged his playful lunge, wrapping an arm around Hope's throat, turning him around, rubbing his knuckles ruthlessly over the young man's scalp.
"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ok! I give up!" gasped Hope between gulps of air and fits of laughter. Snow let him go and they both went sprawling on the bed, panting and guffawing. As their breathing slowed, Hope threw out one last cheap shot to Snow's abdomen, making the blond cough and bend in surprise.
"Oh! That's it!" Snow declared with a grin, getting on his knees to loom over the scrawny boy with his mitts spread open, ready to tickle.
Hope's eyes widened. "Noooo!" he backpedalled, squirming on the bed, hands held out in front of him defensively. "Peace! Peace! I promise I'll stop!"
Snow flashed his signature grin. "Ha! I won!" He flopped down across the bed, lacing his hands behind his head. Soon the ticking of the clock on the wall over Hope's bed filled the room.
"Hey Snow?"
"Hey Hope...?" Snow looked over at him for a moment.
"Don't take this the wrong way, 'kay?" Hope said quietly.
Ah hell. What now? Thought Snow grimly, waiting for the kid to continue.
"I..." The corners of Hope's mouth were downturned with an enduring sorrow. "I miss Light."
Snow rolled his head away to look at the ceiling. "I know. Me too."
It was clear that Amodar hadn't been aware of all that had happened to Lightning after she'd become a l'Cie. All he knew about the situation was what he heard reported on various newscasts from around Cocoon, and what the Corps fed him; which was nothing but propaganda. She'd filled him in with just the most crucial details in order to provide a skeleton for her quasi-report. He didn't need to know that she was heartbroken over the death of her sister's fiancee who she fell in love with and had just spent the last six months spending an exorbitant amount of money destroying her liver in order to forget him. No, he didn't need to know that.
He sat and listened intently to her story, as clinical as it was, his eyes absently taking in her changed features. When she was done, he clucked his tongue and regarded her for a few moments. She was never one to divulge too much information, but she was sure that she was wearing her emotions on her sleeve. She hoped he couldn't see how fragile she felt, even now, and realized that she needed practice now to restore her calm countenance. With alcohol coursing through her veins, it seemed easier to hide the things she didn't want people to see... or maybe she just didn't care when she was drunk. Amodar could always see through her anyway, and she did entertain the thought for a split second of spilling her guts to him, but she thought better of it. Even though he had always been friendly and unassuming with her, he was her boss. She didn't feel like sharing and answering all of the eventual questions he'd have for her.
"Well, what I have for you isn't very glamourous, but it's a start back. If you want it." he shrugged slightly.
"Sir?" she asked, cocking an eyebrow curiously.
He rose from his seat behind the desk and faced the wall of windows that overlooked various construction sites inside the new settlement. "I need someone to do some research. The post I'm offering you involves taking geological samples and recording weather data. You'll live by yourself on a small compound accessible only by air with supplies delivered to you monthly and travel by all terrain vehicle from site to site collecting data and samples. The areas are remote and you'll always have to be on the lookout for dangerous wildlife, but from what you've told me, you already know that." He turned around and eyed her knowingly. "It's a lonely life, but it suits some, and it's a good place to sort out one's thoughts."
As usual, he was right. She needed time to sort things out now that she was moving towards a more stable mindset, and this was a good opportunity. "I think it'll be good for me. I need some time to... readjust."
He grinned and nodded, gathering some papers in his hands. "Great! I'll just get you to fill these out, and you'll be on a transport tomorrow. Your predecessor will be there to show you the ropes for a few days, then she'll be reassigned to another compound." He offered Lightning a pen, motioning for her to sit.
Taking it in hand, she hovered over the blank for her name. She needed time alone, away from people. Serah would come looking for her; maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe next year; eventually. Maybe she should safeguard against that for now. After all, she wasn't able to say anything to Serah over the phone, but Serah had known it was her. That would have to be good enough for now. How could she face her devastated sister when she was just as devastated over his passing? What could she say to Serah to make her feel better when she herself was crumbling inside? The last time she'd seen Serah, she'd been a pillar of strength – at least in public and Lightning felt like the teary widow. Tch. No, the next time she talked to her sibling, she'd be fully prepared; her facade repaired and even better than before.
Quickly scribbling a name into the blank, she filled out the rest of the paperwork and handed it to Amodar, who was sitting back at his desk, sipping a cup of coffee.
Looking it over, his eyes moved to meet hers curiously. "Are you sure you want to do this, Farron?"
"Quite sure, Sir." It was time. She had no intention of ever being Lightning Farron ever again. She needed to leave things behind now. Especially since he was dead. She needed a fresh start. Deciding to change her appearance was symbolic. A way to reinvent; but also, a way to escape. Now she would cement the change and complete the transformation as she had in the past; with a new name.
He regarded her for a long time. Her face was deadly serious, he didn't need to ask twice. "I'll make the preparations. The transport leaves tomorrow morning. There's a couple of suites on the top floor. You can stay in one of those for the night. I'll have my assistant take you up and bring you whatever you want for dinner and whatever else you need for the time being. Just let him know."
Lightning rose from her chair, as did he. He walked her to the door and as he opened it, she turned to him and extended her hand for a friendly handshake. He guffawed and bypassed her hand, pulling her into a familiar hug. "Welcome back." She felt herself stiffen, but smiled slightly in spite of herself.
"Thank you, Sir."
"What can I get you for lunch Miss Farron?" asked Amodar's assistant, G. He was a tall, fit and trim looking man, in his early thirties. He had a handsome shade of auburn hair, kept in a calculated mess on his head and piercing blue eyes. She felt a bit nervous being alone with him in a strange place; her heart thudding awkwardly against her breastbone. She knew Amodar wouldn't have sent her off with anyone questionable, and after all, G wasn't some predator in a bar. Still, she had a hard time looking him in the eye and it irritated her. Keeping her distance from him, she fidgeted as they conversed.
"Nothing. I'm okay." she said. Truthfully, she was so hungry she could eat a whole chocobo, but she didn't want to be a bother. But then her stomach gave her away, emitting an embarrassing protest. Dammit! She shifted her eyes away from him, feeling heat rise in her cheeks.
He looked at her, eyebrows raised. "I told the Colonel that you'd be well taken care of. Please let me do my job." He smiled at her kindly; disarmingly. It was almost like he didn't want to spook her. "What would you prefer for lunch?"
"Something light maybe." she half muttered, clasping her shaky hands behind her back. She'd had tremors all morning, and more than food, she wanted booze. Alcohol would make the tremors stop, even if her stomach still churned, but she had to resist; remind herself that wasn't the life she wanted anymore.
"Alright. I'll see what I can do. Please -" he motioned to the interior of the large suite. "Make yourself at home. If you need anything, don't hesitate call me."
She nodded mutely, and G left the room; his strides purposeful.
Once the door closed behind her she sighed, her anxiety no longer spiking. Making a bee-line for the bed, she sat carefully on the edge. She couldn't just sit on the corner. The softness of the bed drew her in so that the edge was flush with her bent knees, feet dangling. The wine coloured comforter she sat on of must have had feathers in it; when she pushed it flat against the mattress with her hand, its outline remained. She smoothed it back out and looked around her.
The room was huge. In the main area there was the four post bed where she sat, and a long couch and recliner facing a large television screen mounted on the wall. Further into the room there was an oval table with four chairs; a huge vase of fresh flowers sat in the middle. She recognized a few of the flowers from her travels on Pulse, but most of the mix was totally foreign to her. Their perfume was delicate though, and she was glad. Anything heavier and she'd have thrown them out the window to save herself from succumbing to the nausea that was rotting her stomach. Heavy curtains that lined the walls were pulled aside to let natural light in. The slight tint of the windows dimmed the strong rays of sunlight.
She stood up from the blissfully soft bed before she was tempted to lay down and fall asleep, dragging her discarded bag towards what had to be the bathroom.
The doors to the bathroom were sliding shoji screens and as she pulled one open, the elegant bathroom was revealed to her. The cooled tile felt good on her sore feet as she entered. In the middle of the room was a large angular stand up shower enclosed with spotless glass walls running all the way up to the ceiling. At the front of the shower there was an open sliding door. A large vanity with an equally large mirror was on one side of the wall, and on the other there were dark stained wooden cabinets stocked with fluffy white towels. Tucked into the far corner of the room was a large jetted tub. The last time she had wanted to take a bath, she'd been rather unsuccessful. She'd have to try out this tub tonight. On one side of the vanity was a sit down toilet, and on the other side was an elegant looking urinal. The only urinals she remembered seeing were the ones in the shower rooms at the Bodhum regiment, and those had been well-used and disgusting. Like everything else in the room, the toilet facilities were perfectly sanitary. The same tinted windows with the same heavy curtains were in the bathroom, running the length of the walls. She went to the windows and looked out over the ever expanding city. From the 20th floor she had a good view, but no one from down there had a good view of her.
The whole room was impressive, and she wondered what exactly Amodar was in charge of if they provided his guests with accommodations as lavish as this.
"Miss Farron?" called G from the front room. She left the view in the bathroom to meet the assistant. He glanced at her with a smile. "Do you like the room?" he asked.
"Yes." she said, that uneasy feeling creeping back into her chest.
"Your food should be here any minute now..." G glanced at his watch. As if on queue, there came a rap at the door. "Ah. There it is. I didn't know what you'd like, so I ordered a little of this and a little of that. Make sure you try the apples." he smiled, walking to the door. He opened it, conversed briefly with the steward and brought the cart into the room himself. Lightning watched him. Every movement was fluid and smooth, like the lines of his body. He took each covered silver tray and placed it on the oval table. There were six altogether, but he left them covered. His hands were polished, not the hands she would have expected from a soldier like herself, but by the way he handled himself she was sure he had been in the forces. She wondered where on Cocoon he was from and what side he'd been on during the Purge.
He wasn't anything like the rugged cavalier of her fantasies. His frame was tall and lithe, not sturdy and thick, handsome definitely, but not as handsome as... The man she wanted but would never have again. She found herself staring at the empty cart when the even voice spoke her name, pulling her away from her dark thoughts.
"Miss Farron?"
She blinked, looking at him, a tear dropping from her eyelashes. Her lashes fluttered, as she fought to look casual, hastily brushing any salty remnants away, sniffling once. "Hmm?"
"If you wish, I will take your clothes with me when I leave and have them cleaned." Lightning stood there and looked at him awkwardly, barely hearing what he said. He shifted his weight and motioned patiently towards the bathroom. "There are robes in the bathroom, I will return your clothing later on this evening."
"Of course. Just a moment." she picked up her heavy feet and trudged to the bathroom. Sleepiness swept over her and she wasn't sure how long it took to undress in the bathroom, but she was sure it was more time than Amodar's assistant had to be spending on her. Sliding her tired arms through the sleeves of the fluffy robe, she secured the belt around her waist, trading her clothing for the package of odds and ends in the duffel bag. Bag in arm she exited the bathroom and offered it to G. Her voice was weak when she started to apologize. "I'm sorry if I seem kind of -"
"No need to explain. You've been through a lot." He smiled at her again, relieving her of the weight. "Rest here tonight knowing you are safe. Enjoy the food, and once again, if you need anything please call me."
Amodar sure can pick 'em. She thought. The handsome man seemed to see right through her, just like Amodar did. She hadn't felt this vulnerable since that first night with Snow. She nodded slightly, and he bowed to her, finally taking his leave.
Turning her attention to the spread on the table, she started lifting lids.
She felt infinitely better after she'd finished eating. G hadn't been kidding when he said a little of this and a little of that. There had been fruits as well as some breakfast foods, eggs and meats and even some dry cereal with milk and orange juice. And those strange looking apples were divine. She'd only really picked at everything but it was more than she'd eaten in one sitting in the last six months. Afterwards she turned on the TV and found a music channel that played some nice soothing sort of ambient music, and headed for the bathroom to make use of that luxurious tub.
Lightning dropped the robe to the floor and submerged herself into the steaming bath. Untying the bandana from around her arm, she laid it gingerly on the edge of the tub. There were shallow seats around the perimetre, so she sat on one side with her long legs stretched across the length to rest on the other seat. Tipping her head back, she let the music that drifted in past the door her as she cleared her mind. Splashing some water over her throat with her hands, she let her fingers trail down her neck and over her collarbone. Licking her lips, she thought it would be nice to not have to be alone in such a spacious bath; her ideal company would make it not so... empty... at the very least.
The warm water felt akin to his gentle embrace as she sunk down farther and crossed her arms over her chest. Slowly she drew one arm away from her body, resting it outside the bath leaving one crossed arm to linger on her breast. Her skin tingled strangely under her palm, but, squeezing the soft mound gently made her lips part with a sigh. If Fang had not interrupted them when she did, Lightning would have given herself to Snow with nary a second thought. At that point, all the events leading to their final intimate moment should have culminated with a passionate flare. They both wanted it and it had been within their grasp, but what then? At least, with that threshold unbreached, they could keep the veil of denial between them and continue on. No, Fang had done them a favour... but how could Lightning have known what tragedy was to come? Now that she knew Snow's fate, she regretted not ignoring the calls from their Pulsian friend. They were l'Cie. Surely they could have gotten themselves out of that hole and at the very least they could have survived a few hours until someone came for them; but it hadn't happened that way. The cruel fates had seen fit to tease and test them and, in the end, when it mattered most, she failed. She never got to tell him how much she loved him and even if the words were difficult, there wasn't enough time for action.
And in these months after his death all she could do was pretend. Pretend he was touching her, recalling memories of him. Hanging on to the fleeting moments that they'd had, hoping that they would be enough to keep her for a lifetime.
Slipping the drying hand back under the water and down her belly, running over the expanse of her hip she caressed the skin of her thigh, breath starting to quicken. He had been attentive as far as she could remember through the fog of lust that he created within her. She'd always been trying to get closer to him and he would press himself against her, wanting the same. The way he steadied her body as she lost her mind, placing her trust within his arms again and again. No one had created stirrings of this nature within her; he'd awoken a part of her she didn't need or care about, but now she longed for his nurturing. If she was to have a life beyond constant sorrow, she had to learn to harmonize her memories and reality.
Touching her fingers to the plumped folds of skin between her legs, she jolted upright, splashing water on the floor, a sharp pain originating at the site of her touch. A lingering feeling of roughness and invasion made her knees bash together.
No one is coming for you.
Clamping her eyes shut, a tear escaped, trailing down her cheek. She sat rigidly, too paralyzed to move, reliving the violation. She regretted not killing that scum after he had put his hands on her; in her. How could she have let him touch her there? Her arms were so heavy at her sides, her head ached. She remembered the feeling of his fingers leaving trails of shame in their wake. Maybe she just should have accepted the drink and been done with it. What could have been the harm in that? Why did she always have to be so proud and stubborn? More tears came as she quivered, water lapping at the sides of the tub.
Hadn't she been through enough pain?
Now she couldn't even soothe herself.
She could see Cocoon from the tinted window across from the bed where she lay, and as she thought about her family she drifted off to sleep. Dreams had eluded her over the last few months. She didn't remember a single dream and even though her sleep was dreamless, it was sound when she managed to get any. If she'd dreamed about him when she was awake and asleep surely she would have drunk herself to death or at least gone mad. But this afternoon that found her safe and soundly asleep, was not bereft of dreams...
She woke in someone's arms. She could feel reassuring body heat under her and when she opened her eyes, she saw a shock of blond hair so familiar she reached out her hand to touch it. No sooner than her fingers brushed the coarse hair did he look down at her. She felt something wet drop on her cheek. An urgent blue gaze fell upon her as her heart swelled; her throat choked with emotion. She raised her hand to his handsome face, brushing the hair out of his eyes, trailing fingers down the scratchy scruff on his cheeks and chin. From behind his smiling visage light spilled over the top of his head illuminating his masculine features, providing shade over her own. She felt herself smile back at him, her throat dry; unable to find a voice to confess her love. He was just smiling at her with wet eyes, brows pushed together concerned, unblinking until he moved his face towards her and she felt his warm breath drift over her lips. She felt his warmth on her but she was unable to return his kiss. Her breath became tight in her chest and panic rose to the surface. The blond pulled back to look at her, mouthing words she couldn't hear; her own lips forming words that her throat could not voice. What was happening? He was cradling her in his arms, hands clutched at his shirt leaving trails of red in their wake. Blood?
Lightning awoke to the sound of her own screams as she lurched up from the comfort of the sunken mattress. Panting, she clutched at her throat and spoke his name. "Snow!" She looked around the room, familiarity soothing her panic. Spreading her hands out in front of her, she inspected them for blood. They were clean but they were shaking when she brought them to her temples, pressing her palms tightly against her head, her body rocking back and forth of it's own accord. A wave of nausea overtook her and she dashed for the bathroom, glad the shoji screen was already open. She knelt over the porcelain toilet, emptying the formerly tasty contents of her stomach into the bowl, cold water splashing back on her face. She wretched another three times before there was nothing left to bring up and felt for the wooden handle hanging from a chain by the tank. Pulling it, she sank to the blissfully cool tile as itdrained the heat from her feverish skin. She lay trembling on the floor for an uncertain few minutes as her stomach settled.
The dream puzzled and scared her but she figured it was purely symbolic; just like the one she'd had months ago that started her down this path. It made no sense at all and was probably the product of a guilty conscience. If she hadn't been wasting time by attempting to mask this pain and regret of hers, she might be on the road to recovery by now, but she very obviously was not. Cheek pressed against the floor, she ran her hand up the length of her arm, stopping to finger the softness of his memento wrapped about her bicep. Maybe she wasn't on the road yet, but she would be. His memory; his sacrifice would drive her. No longer did she want to remember him with anguish, though too recently she had wallowed in it like some lovesick teenager. Missing him didn't comfort her but remembering did; or at least it would have if she could remember him without the pain of missing him. Right now she couldn't even imagine something like that could even be possible.
She needed exile. She needed solitude and silence, not just around her but within her as well. It couldn't possibly get any worse than this.
With most of the spotlight now off Bodhum, the need for anything more than the standard regiment was nil. As Snow promised, he went with Serah to the regiment headquarters to investigate Lightning's whereabouts. The ride over had been quiet, but strangely comfortable, Snow behind the wheel and Serah sitting in the passenger's seat. Getting out of the vehicle, they walked beside each other across the lot; Snow holding the door for Serah, admitting her into the building's cool air conditioning. He was actually grateful that she had broken things off, he felt some weight off his shoulders at the very least, now it hardly mattered that he was in love with her sister. Or, at least that's what he told himself.
"Good morning. Can I help you?" said a pretty young woman sitting behind the reception desk, looking up at Serah as she approached. The woman behind the desk had striking green eyes and long braided red-brown hair with a pink ribbon tied in the back. She looked exotic. Snow concluded that she wasn't from around here.
"Yes. Good morning. I'm looking for my sister. Her name is Lightning Farron. She was part of the Bodhum regiment before the Purge."
"Looking for her?" the girl tilted her head slightly.
"Yes, you see, she left town without telling anyone, and we haven't heard from her since. I would appreciate it if you could give me any information about her, or get someone to look into it for me." prompted Serah.
"I can tell you if she's currently employed by the corps. Personnel records are public record. Just give me a few moments, here..." she set into some rather rapid typing on the keyboard, stopping to read various bits of information. "Hmm, what did you say her name was?"
"Lightning Farron." said Serah. Snow watched the worry flicker over her face as she watched the receptionist's keystrokes.
"Hmm. I see her file, but it's old. She resigned over six months ago." she said finally.
Before the Purge. Thought Snow, taking a seat within earshot.
"Oh. I see. She actually worked under Lieutenant Amodar. Is there a way I can get in contact with him?"
"Let me check for you..." she set about to typing once again.
Serah looked at Snow and caught his attention with her long face. He shot her a brave smile.
"Ok. I have the number of his new office on Gran Pulse." She looked at her watch. "There's a two hour time difference. It's a little early there, so the office won't be open for another couple hours." Jotting a string of numbers down on the back of a business card, she offered it to Serah. "Is that all I can do for you today?"
"Yes. Thank you for all your help." Serah smiled automatically.
"You're very welcome. Good luck in finding your sister." The receptionist returned Serah's smile, and also had one for Snow as well as he stood, waiting to open the door for his petite ex-fiancee. He returned it and nodded thankfully.
Later on that morning, Snow sat out on the back deck of the Farron household alone with a sweaty amber bottle. Mulling over the events at the pub the previous afternoon in Nautilus, he wondered again what Lightning could have been thinking. If she did miss him he hoped to hell that she wouldn't have found solace in that undeserving man's arms. The only thing about his story that bothered Snow, besides the obvious, was that the guy was all messed up. Even the most violent sexual encounter wouldn't have left him like that...
"Hey Snow." Serah peeked her head out of the screen door. "I'm going to call now. Would you come sit with me?"
How could he refuse? But he was glad that Hope was at school already. The sadness in his voice last night sliced at Snow's already damaged heart. They all missed her. All for different reasons, but the end result was the same. And now he and Serah sat in the kitchen, phone in her hand, as she dialed the number given her.
"Good morning. Is Lieutenant Amodar in? Oh. Colonel Amodar then..." she paused and nodded after a second, looking at Snow hopefully. He squeezed her hand gently.
Colonel, huh? He's moving up in the world... thought Snow of his acquaintance. He still remembered the day he met Amodar and Lightning. The Lieutenant sung her praises as she stood there red-faced. Snow could scarcely take his eyes off her, but he was sure Lightning had hated him right off the bat.
"My name is Serah Farron. Thank you. Yes, I'll wait." Another pause.
This was killing Snow. He had been so disappointed when he'd missed Lightning last night and he desperately held out hope for any scrap of information. If he had anything to go on, he'd run with it; and do all that he could to find her. Now he hung on Serah's every word.
"Hello! Yes, my name is Serah Farron. I don't think we've met formally, but my sister used to work in your squad in Bodhum. Yes, Lightning..." Serah nodded and smiled. "That's her. You haven't seen her lately, have you? She left six months ago without saying a word."
Snow was staring at Serah as she talked, clenching and unclenching his other hand into a fist nervously.
"Oh. You haven't, huh?" Serah's face fell, making eye contact with Snow. "Well if you do see her, could you please tell her to call home?"
He sighed heavily, still holding Serah's hand but now averting his gaze. Surely someone knew where she was. He'd talk to as many people as he knew around Cocoon. Pass around her picture. Pound pavement, beat down doors. Someone was bound to see her somewhere at some point. He couldn't give up. He wouldn't give up.
"Thank you for your time." She hung up the phone.
They sat in silence for a while before Serah stood, patting his hand amiably. She spoke softly as she touched him. "You'll find her."
Snow looked up at her words only to see her walking out of the room.