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Chapter 11: uneasy lies the head that wears a crown
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Carlisle returned to his seat at the large dining room table resting his elbow on the arm of the chair, his fingers pressed thoughtfully against his lips. He met Edward's eyes and the silence in the room continued. The entire family looked between the two men expectantly and waited.
"Can you please not do that?" Esme pleaded softly.
Edward shook his head and looked at her. "He's not thinking anything." His gaze went back to his father. "It's like you're completely shut down, caught here in this moment, in this room."
Carlisle sighed softly and guilt clouded his eyes. He spoke around his fingers. "I don't know what to think."
It's the depression, Jasper thought to Edward, watching Carlisle. It's like his will has disappeared.
Edward's shoulders sagged with regret. He was saved from saying anything as Emmett fell heavily into a chair next to Carlisle.
"Well, that explains a lot," he huffed. "No wonder the poor guy wanted to hang around with us."
"Poor guy?" Rosalie scoffed. "That poor guy ripped your arm off."
Emmett frowned and waved his hand dismissively in the air. "Enh, that was nothing. It was no worse than breaking a human's arm: hurts for a while, but heals fast. He could have ripped off my head," he reminded his wife.
"Which he nearly did to Carlisle!" Rose reminded him heatedly, unwilling to be as magnanimous as her husband.
"But he didn't," Emmett replied, "and now we know why." He ran a heavy hand over the top of his head. "Jeez, do you think..." He paused to consider what he was about to say and looked at Edward. "Do you think he only ever came out of the water just to see us?"
All eyes turned to Emmett as they considered what he was saying.
"Maybe some part of him knew it was better there," Emmett mused softly. "I bet it was the only time he could find peace, away from all the influences of other people, a place to dull the things getting into his head that he didn't even realize was happening to him. The world's oceans... The largest sensory deprivation tank," he huffed with an ironic smile on his face.
Carlisle gazed at his youngest son and reached his hand out, placing it on Emmett's shoulder. Being the most direct of them all, Emmett never failed to see to the heart of any situation.
"Carlisle," Edward interrupted softly, "I can't let Rolle do this. I can't." He shook his head.
"We can't," Bella agreed, making the minor correction without emphasis.
She moved away from Edward and sat in the other free chair beside Carlisle. Esme reached out and stroked a loving hand against Bella's shoulder as she sat.
Bella took Carlisle's hand between her own. She stared at his fingers in hers. They were the same in texture, but different. While hers were shorter and more delicate looking, his were longer and stronger. His wedding band rested slightly loose between his knuckles.
"I know," she began," that this isn't all about Rolle. I know you believe it was all staged and that he would have never really hurt us. But you also know he's not in any state of mind to make a decision like this. What he's done... it's not a sacrifice," she said, looking up into Carlisle's eyes. "It's a sentence."
Carlisle watched Bella, listening without commenting.
"I'm not even close to living one lifetime, let alone five, and I haven't seen everything you have seen." She paused and glanced away nervously before finding her strength to say what needed to be said. "But I have lived through depression, so I know something about what you're feeling right now.
"I know why you can't make a decision about what we should do," she said tenderly. "Why you feel like everything is helpless, and why the world feels like it's without hope and can't be fixed. You can't explain why everything irritates you, and you feel guilty for things even if they're outside of your control. You stop eating. You feel empty. You feel tired. You stop doing things you used to love. And even though you're surrounded by people who love you... you feel alone... worthless," she added in a breath.
Esme put her hands on Carlisle's shoulders and squeezed gently.
Bella glanced quickly at Edward and enveloped him in her shield, comforting him as she knew her words were reopening wounds that had long since been closed. Edward mustered a reassuring smile for her as he felt her thoughts curl through his mind with loving familiarity, even though he knew she was refraining from adding out loud her comments about suicide. Though Bella herself had never contemplated suicide, she did tempt fate by taking risks that almost led to her death. Carlisle, on the other hand, had attempted to kill himself: many, many times.
"We know there's nothing we can do to help you," Bella said. "That all we can do is be here for you until you need us. And I know that knowing this will only add to your sense of guilt."
Carlisle chuckled humorlessly and squeezed her fingers.
"But we can't wait now," Bella said sounding both resolved and still gentle. "We have to do something before Rolle gets hurt, or killed. Or before he does something that will affect everyone. We have to go to Italy."
Behind her, Alice bit her lip, her brow deeply creased.
Carlisle's eyes were apologetic and sad, but he smiled and brought Bella's fingers to his lips, kissing them as he reached out to cup her cheek in his hand.
"You always surprise me," he said, his voice breaking. He looked around at his family. "All of you. Each one of you..." He trailed off, shaking his head. "So remarkable, so full of love." He looked at Rosalie, then Emmett. "Fiercely loyal, and so compassionate." His eyes wandered around the room to Alice, Jasper and Edward. "So bright, strong, determined."
"You gave us that," Esme whispered, leaning over her husband's chair.
Carlisle shook his head. "No, you were always like this. All of you."
"You nurtured those things in us," Rosalie said unexpectedly. "You made it... safe for us to be those things," she added quiet and uncomfortable, but wanting him to know the truth.
Emmett beamed up at his wife, rising to stand with her and pulled her into his arms.
Surprise and gratitude colored Carlisle's face. As he gazed at Rose, it all melted into affection. He looked back at the gentle fingers still caught in his own, and looked up at Bella's expectant face.
"We have a friend to help," he said simply, and Bella's face broke into a warm smile.
The spark of happiness could not last long though, as the decision to do something was the least dangerous. The first step taken, they now began to think of the second: What would they do?
With a decision made, Alice took a deep breath as the future began to reveal itself once again. The second breath shuddered in her chest. The third was a gasp. Every one after that came faster and shorter, as if she could hyperventilate.
As her visions washed over him, Edward reeled and threw out his hand to catch himself.
§∞•••∞§
Paris, France
Rolle answered the phone without saying a word: no hello, no pronouncement of who was answering. Marcus simply gave him a flight number and a time, and hung up. Rolle held the phone to his ear a moment longer, looking at Rachel. He watched as understanding wiped the smile from her face. He lowered the phone and turned it off, returning it to his pants pocket.
Rachel watched his face, asking only, "When?"
"An hour."
She struggled to hide the disappointment from her face, only partly succeeding. She tried again to school her features as she laced her fingers into his. Rolle watched her struggle, but could do nothing to make this easier for her. She swallowed back her feelings and stood up, keeping her hand in his to help pull him up.
"You shouldn't be late," she said, knowing this was always only a brief fling in a foreign country, nothing more than a business convention love affair.
They caught the elevator down to ground level without another word, and found the tunnel under the street. As they walked hand in hand down the darkened streets, streetlights struggled through autumn leaves to illuminate the damp sidewalk.
Rolle looked up through the trees. A full moon glared back at him, its malevolent eye accusing and condemning in its instant appraisal of him. Rolle imagined he could see the rest of the baleful face sneering back at him just out of view, with dark brows drawn down in judgment.
Just as he was about to look away, his eyes fell across a third floor balcony. The silk curtain was drawn closed. Light filtered through the material in a rosy peach glow. Something about the window drew him the same way Rachel had drawn him. His life was dark and wet, and she was the hint of color and light he could glimpse, but never know.
She trudged beside him so resolved, so strong, walking through the darkness with him, unafraid. She was an angel of strength, affirming to him that he was on the right path. This was her gift to him. This gentle seraph had given him a last glimpse of happiness before he succumbed to the wills of greater demons. He could only live up to Rachel's example as he headed into the abyss of Hell. He wondered for a moment if Gillian had sent her to him, to remind him of what he was protecting.
He followed Rachel down the stairs into the metro. She never released his hand, pulling him along. He smiled wryly. As if he could forget the path he was on. He looked down at her hand in his as it trailed slightly behind her, carefully adjusting the pressure of his fingers on hers into a gentle squeeze. The gesture made him think of Edward and the weight of his actions only strengthened his determination, like waves beating against a lighthouse: the puzzle blocks interlocking under the storm, reinforcing it during the tempest, not weakening it.
Wind preceded the train, pushing the warm air at them as a low rumble filled the chamber around the platform. The warmth reminded him of Rachel's breath on his ear as her body pressed against his.
The engine of the train roared past them, slowing, as Rachel turned and looked at him. Rolle stepped toward her and she tipped her head back to keep his eyes locked in her own. He leaned in and pressed his lips to hers slowly. He slid the tip of his nose against her cheek, but he did not deepen the kiss. It was chaste and sweet, but he drew it out, savoring her as something precious.
The small sound that escaped her would have gone unheard by a human, but it was cemented in his mind just as the smell of cooked butter and diesel fumes became a fixed point in his memory identifying this moment in time forever. The same was true of the feel of the uneven cobbles under his feet, and the small pinging sound from a bent fan blade, and the sound of a musician inside the train playing the last notes of Double Jeu faded and the sound of coins fell into a tin can... The warmth of her fingers in his...
The doors of the train slid open, and a throng of people washed around them like water moving around rocks in a stream. Then the platform ledge was clear.
Rolle stepped back and turned to the train, pausing in the door and glancing back at her. Rachel smiled briefly and raised her hand. Rolle nodded and turned to step deeper into the train. He reached out to hold a pole as the train pulled away, anchoring a piece of himself there in time.
He did not look back again, but he did not say goodbye. It was the only thing he couldn't bring himself to do.
§∞•••∞§
Halifax, Nova Scotia
"Edward!" Bella cried as she raced around the table and was at Edward's side in an instant. She caught his face in her hands looking worriedly into his eyes.
"I'm okay," he gasped wrapping his hands around hers. He looked at his sister who was gathered up in Jasper's arms. "None of those are certain?" he asked, stronger.
"What? What did you see?" Rose insisted from Alice.
Alice shook her head in answer to Edward, and explained to the others, "There are too many possibilities. So much depends on who goes."
"But what did you see?" Rose asked again.
It was obvious Alice did not want to answer. Instead, she gave half of an answer. "People dying. A lot of people. Vampires."
"Who?" Esme asked.
"There's too much," Alice insisted. "There are too many possibilities and all of them are based on decisions that haven't even been thought of yet."
"But part of the decision of who goes will...? What?" Emmett asked. "Keep casualties down?"
"You can't go," Alice said quickly. "Emmett can't go, no matter what."
Rose took a blind step forward, her face frozen and controlled. "Or what? He'll die?"
Alice would not answer, but she did not look away from Rose's burning eyes.
"Stop! Stop!" Carlisle said at last, rising from his chair. "We can't do this," he insisted. "Without a plan, we can't start making random choices waiting for Alice to see which will work."
"I don't know about that," Rose muttered. "I already have a few decisions made."
"Rose," Carlisle said in a tone that let her know she wasn't helping. "Please, everyone, sit and let's discuss this before Alice and Edward fall down."
"Like that could happen," Emmett snickered.
Carlisle gave Emmett the same look he had just given Rose.
Once everyone was seated, Carlisle looked at Alice. "Tell us," he said gently.
"I don't— !" she tried to say again, but Carlisle reassured her.
"I understand, but can you tell us the most obvious?"
Alice looked imploringly at Bella, who reached across the table and took the seer's hand in her own. Alice then looked to Edward who nodded encouragingly to her.
"We can't all go," Alice began. "I know everyone wants to, but we can't. Having all eight of us show up, unannounced and uninvited in Volterra, will appear as a threat and confirm Caius' notions about us.
Do I have to tell them who dies? Alice silently asked her brother, sharing a pained looked with Edward who already knew the answer to that question.
Edward shook his head once, his eyes tense with the knowledge of who would die if they all went to Volterra.
"So who stays behind?" Emmett asked, adding gruffly disappointed, "besides me."
"Rose can't go. Emmett won't let her go without him," Alice said.
"You got that right," Emmett maintained resolutely.
"So we're left behind alone?" Rose challenged.
"I can't go either," Alice said. "Jasper won't let me go back there alone again after what happened last time, and with both of us there it will be too tempting for the Volturi to... find a way to convince us to stay," she edited awkwardly.
When Alice did not offer more information, Esme glanced around the table. She did not need to do the math.
"We have to go," Edward added interrupting the quiet and looking at his wife. He would rather not take Bella back to that city, but knew she would never let him go without her, just as he would not allow her to go without him. "Rolle will listen to us."
"And Aro will listen to me," Carlisle added, then added again, "I hope."
Esme looked between the three of them. "Then I'm going."
"Esme..." Carlisle tried to say.
"No. I'm going, or I'll go insane waiting, so I'm coming with you." Her tone did not leave room for argument. She turned in her chair and stared directly at Carlisle. "You need me," she said quietly, but firmly, "and I need you."
Carlisle took her hand, entwining his fingers with hers. He knew she was right, more than she even realized herself. Despite his feelings of being alone, he knew he'd be much worse off without her. She was his strength when he had none of his own. He felt a swell of love for her even as the feeling was muffled with unworthiness.
"The four of us, then," he said softly with a nod.
Jasper looked around the table, fighting his own dread over these decisions. "The Romanians will want to go, but we can't let them," he stated, ever the strategist. "If they show up with you, Caius will assume we've created an alliance with their enemies. He won't give you time to explain. He'll attack on sight."
"So the four of us?" Bella asked Alice. "If we four go, we'll be safe?"
Alice tightened her fingers around Bella's clasping hand. "That gets you to the audience chamber without being attacked first."
"Wait! That's it??" Emmett demanded.
"I can't tell what Rolle will do," Alice admitted pained. "I don't know how he'll react to seeing Bella and Edward putting themselves at risk for him."
"But that isn't good enough! They can't—" Emmett started to argue, but Jasper cut across him.
"We do know what to look for though," he added urgently, leaning over the table and looking intently between Carlisle and Edward. "We know Rolle. We know things about him that they don't know. He fidgets when he's upset, shuffles from foot to foot," Jasper reminded them.
"And he's really still when he's broken or thinking about Gillian," Bella added, remembering how Rolle had stood as still as a statue on the porch of the house back in Forks.
"And I can't hear him," Edward said.
"If Carlisle and Aro can talk in private, things are more hopeful. If Caius is there..." Alice said, shaking her head and trailing off.
"I don't know how willing Aro will be to talk without the guard present," Edward pointed out, skeptical.
Carlisle nodded, but said nothing. Esme watched him a moment, but when he simply turned to look at her with blank eyes, she stood and took charge.
"Emmett, can you arrange the first flight out, please? Carlisle? Jasper? You'll go talk to the Romanians. Tell them we'll do what we can, but we'll do it our way and will let them know if we're successful. Rose, can you help us pack?"
"I'll make arrangements for a car, too," Rose said.
"Thank you," Esme said gratefully. "Alice?"
"Money and passports," Alice said, knowing her assignment before it was assigned.
§∞•••∞§
A/N: As always, my thanks to my previewers: Irishgirl, Milalencar, Songster, and LolaShoes. Thanks to Nikki Pattinson over at Twilighted.
Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown
Henry The Fourth, Part 2 Act 3, scene 1, 26–31