A/N: Have you seen episode 6.20, "Baggage"? If the answer is no, STOP, go to your Tivo or DVR where you should have recorded it, watch it and then come back. Don't have a DVR? Go find some website that streams it or something. Can't find one? Wait a week and watch it on Hulu. Or something. If you don't know what happened I don't want to be the one to tell you. Not that it's THAT big a deal, but still. Okay, you're reading at your own risk now.

And for those of you who did watch tonight's episode, keep in mind that I only watched the episode itself. Last week watching the promo made the waiting excruciating. This week I turned off the TV as soon as the promo started. I don't want to freak out until I have to.

Baggage

The guy's an idiot. Nolan, I mean. I put him off forever until he gets to Wilson, and then he decides to skip that and go to Cuddy. I'm never going back there. How did that guy even get a bachelor's degree with that level of idiocy?

Was I upset about Cuddy getting together with Lucas? Sure. If I could be in a relationship with her, would I? Of course. She's hot and I like her. But she'd just be another distraction. Maybe there'd be times when I'd think I was happy, but I wouldn't be.

It'd be easier, with her. Getting started, anyway. She already knows I have the hots for her, and she's okay with that. Wilson, on the other hand...

I was so sure I was right. I was so sure that he knew, that he also...how could I have been so sure but still been wrong? Well, story of my life I guess. Every time I get a new patient I'm sure I'm right but I always end up being wrong four or five times anyway. I'm smart; you'd think I'd learn.

Why can't the man just be happy with me? Why has he stayed this long if he doesn't love me?

What the hell am I supposed to do? Why can't I be happy?

I should just go back to Vicodin. I should. I really really should. I mean, why the fuck not? Nothing else works. Nothing. I do what my therapist says and Wilson decides to replace me with someone who doesn't remind him of me. I let him, and he gets to be happy and I just end up alone, and now I have to feel it because I don't have anything to distract me. If I'm gonna be alone, fine. But don't make me feel it. When patients are in pain, we give them medicine. Why should they have to be in pain? So why should I have to be in pain? Where's my medicine? The booze isn't enough. I need more. What's the worst that could happen?

I could OD. Yeah, that'd be just awful. I'd have a few hours of peace, of no pain, I'd forget who I am, forget that the one person I trusted with my heart just smashed it with a curly blonde hammer...

I might even die. Then there'd be nothing. It's tempting.

But I might not OD. I mean, I probably would because it's been so long and I'd take more than is really necessary, but I might not. It'd all just be illegal; none of them would write me a prescription. That'd get old fast.

And I might hallucinate again.

At least Amber would be some company. Maybe I could get her to fuck me. It was nice when it happened with Cuddy, but I've never slept with Amber...that'd hurt Wilson, if he knew Amber slept with me. If she were alive he'd still be with her. He'd choose her over Sam. Why can't he choose me over Sam?

It wouldn't be so bad, hallucinating Amber. We have something in common: we both just had the chance to spend the rest of our life with him just snatched away. Except she can't feel it hurting.

There's another reason it should have been me and not her. It would have been better for everyone. Wilson and Amber would have been happy (he wouldn't miss me that much because he'd have her, he really only needs me when he doesn't have one of them), and I wouldn't have been anything. Everyone wins. Well, Cuddy would never have met Lucas, but who the fuck cares?

What if I OD and I die and it hurts him? He'll just blame himself. He might even blame Sam a bit, and he'd blame me a bit, but he'd blame himself the most. He shouldn't have let me go. It's his fault I ODed, it's his fault I wasn't there for him to watch over, it's his fault he was too busy getting laid to bother to call me and make sure I'm okay, too busy enjoying his condo free of my presence to check on me and get to my apartment before it's too late. It'd hurt him, if I OD and die from it.

And part of me is thinking, good, you deserve it you son of a bitch, now you know how much it hurts not to have someone you love. You don't want me? Fine, I'm gone. That's what you always wanted.

But I guess that's not fair. He's entitled to his own fucking happiness just like the rest of world. But what about me? Aren't I entitled to my happiness? I don't deserve it, but why the fuck not? There's plenty of happy assholes out there. Why can't I be one of them?

Would I even be happy with Wilson? Maybe I wouldn't. I'd be constantly afraid to lose him, and then I would and it would be even worse. He'd leave me eventually because I'd fuck it up somehow, so even if we had the opportunity we really shouldn't be together because it's not worth the risk. Maybe he knows it. Maybe he is in love with me but he knows it won't work so he's distracting himself with her. Yeah, if only.

He's not doing it to hurt me. He came back because he realized he was happier with me in his life and because he realized he loved me enough to not want to lose me, when I was all he had left. He didn't come back just to make me fall even more in love with him so that he could go back to his ex wife and leave me again. He didn't just kick me out to back me into a corner where I can't even take Vicodin because it will just hurt both of us. He's not trying to hurt me. And maybe if he knew how I felt, then he wouldn't hurt me. So the only thing that makes sense is for me to tell him how I feel.

But I won't.