A/N: Season finale spoilers. Serious, big season finale spoilers. Completely unavoidable season finale spoilers. Ridiculous, infuriating, very difficult to accept season finale spoilers. You've been warned. Now for the real reason I'm here. Sorry for the huddiness, as you know they didn't give me much to work with.

Help Me

Why not?

Seriously. Why the fuck not? She's so much easier. So much easier. It's perfect. And I love her. I never said I didn't love her. And she's easier. She's hot, too.

There's no way it could have been him. He was back at the hospital, he wasn't down there. I left my cane there. There was no way for him to know. She knew. She knew I left it there because she would notice, and then it could give her a reason to come over. There was no reason for him to come over.

And this way I didn't fuck up my life. I was close. I would have done it. I wouldn't have called anyone. I'm never talking to Nolan again. I didn't really expect her to come, I wouldn't have called. And Wilson, well...

If Wilson cared enough to want to make sure I wouldn't go back to drugs, he wouldn't have kicked me out.

Maybe that's not fair. But it's easier this way.

Could I be happy with her?

It's easier, with her. We both already know we love each other; we've admitted it. With him, it'd be too complicated. There'd be the whole gay thing to consider. He'd have issues with that.

But what about when I hurt her? I'm trying to be better, but obviously that was a fail. Thirty more seconds and I would have slipped. I'm still broken, and like I told her I'm still screwed up. I'm gonna hurt her. It's inevitable. I don't know how, but I'm gonna hurt her. I might take the pills anyway. I might cheat on her. The little things will build up and I'll drive her crazy. Something will happen. It won't work. It can't work.

Vicodin doesn't work either. It numbs the pain, it dulls it, it makes it bearable. But then eventually it wears off, you need more, and then you build up a resistance and even when you take a lot it doesn't do what it once did. And then it causes problems like hallucination and impairs decision making and all kinds of other shit. Vicodin doesn't work.

But I took it. I rode the high while it lasted. Even though I knew it would end, I let it run its course, I put off the pain as long as I could. I knew Vicodin didn't work, but I took it. Tonight, I crawled into the bathroom knowing it wouldn't work, but I was ready and I was so close, I almost took it.

Cuddy and I won't work. But I'll take it. It's just another Vicodin. I would have taken Vicodin tonight. Why not take Cuddy instead? Same result. It distracts from the pain. The leg will still hurt, but the mental pain won't hurt so much. She'll take my mind off it. And I'll get laid while I'm at it. She might even think she's happy for awhile. Maybe sometimes I'll even think I'm happy. I'll ride the high while it lasts.

Wilson and I wouldn't work either. I'd hurt him, too. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt Cuddy either. But I'll risk it. If she can be my Vicodin substitute, I'll risk it. Besides, she knows what she's getting into. He...he's never even gotten close to dating someone like me. Amber died before she had a chance to hurt him. He hasn't thought about dating me. She has. She knows what she's getting into. He wouldn't have time to prepare himself. If I hurt her, she deserves it. He doesn't.

Maybe that's not fair either. I don't care. I didn't make her come over. She's never gotten this close before. Last time she kissed me because she was feeling upset and vulnerable. This time she kissed me because I was feeling upset and vulnerable. She took advantage of me, not the other way around. She could stop it and walk out whenever she wants. And she might still. She might regret it in the morning. She might leave. She might take my Vicodin with her.

Still, even if it only lasts a night...like I said, ride the high while it lasts.

It'll hurt when I come down.

Maybe not.

She's gonna leave him at some point, and when he's feeling all broken he'll come to me, and then I'll have him. No more than usual, but I will. And if she leaves me at the same time, we'll have each other. Maybe we'll get drunk and fuck. No, I wouldn't let that happen. I don't wanna screw it up with him. I can afford to screw it up with her. Not with him. Yeah, she's the one I'm making out with, but she's not the most important person to me. She doesn't come close.

When we break up, it'll suck, but I'll get through it. Not with him, and especially not if I don't have Vicodin. She's safer. When I found out about her and Lucas, he was there for me and he bought a condo to spite her and help me get over it. When we break up, he'll be there. He owes me that much at least. But when I went into the kitchen and saw them together, no one was there. If I'd had a stash of Vicodin in that room I would have taken it. He was an idiot for kicking me out, for seriously thinking I wouldn't take drugs. Especially after what he did. But how's he supposed to think about my feelings when he's got her? She's causing him to lose sight of what's really important. Maybe he'll regret it, later. I don't care now. It doesn't matter now.

I have my own, personal, Cuddy flavored brand of Vicodin now.