Before we begin examining American jurisprudence specifically," Mr. Mackryk (MAKE-rick) said, "I'd like to continue our discussion of the role of law in culture. Yesterday's discussion was a provocative one. Would anyone like to pick up from yesterday?" He noted an eager look in Daria's eye. "Ms. Morgendorffer?"

Daria stood. She hated having to stand for any discussion or any answer of a question in class, but she liked some of the discussions. "Mr. Mackryk, yesterday you concluded that the law represented the culture. You compared the law with religion, and stated that the law was a civic religion. However, my experience with religion is that it's inflexible. Furthermore, law relies heavily on written text - the "letter of the law". If a culture is dynamic, then why is the law so inflexible?"

"Good point," said Mackryk. "But have you forgotten the amending of law through the legislature, or judicial review?"

"No," said Daria. "My experience is that these are slow processes that don't keep up with the culture. Look at drug laws, for example. Look at marriage laws. The law appears more impediment than aid."

"True, but the law, at some level, must be protected from change which is too rapid. Remember that the law doesn't merely represent the culture, but the accumulated wisdom of the culture. This is why we have precedent, and why one's reading of the law must be a scholarly undertaking. Besides, isn't it fun to find a loophole?"

The class was laughing. Daria knew they weren't laughing at her, but she didn't think that Mackryk had gotten the point. "You're implying that justice depends on luck. If you're lucky and find a loophole, you get off. If you're not, you get busted."

"True. But the law is a representation of accumulated wisdom - in nominal democracies, it is supposed to be bigger than any one person. A straightforward reading of the law could be represented by say, an inflexible judge who only understands "the letter of the law". Doesn't one have a right to seek other judges? If you didn't agree with a physician's diagnosis, you'd certainly seek another doctor. What makes more sense than to seek an interpretation other than the standard one, an interpretation by a legal peer whose standing in the law is equivalent to those whose interpretations are unfavorable? You're not looking for a loophole - you're looking for a greater perspective, a "smarter judge" as it were. Precedent and inflexiblity can be a double-edged sword, protecting the accused as well as the accuser."

Mackryk smiled. "Thank you, Ms. Morgendorffer." Daria sat. She had learned that those were Fielding's code words for "the discussion is over, please be seated."

An idea crystallized in Daria's mind. There was a reason that she liked this class.

(* * *)

As the class emptied out, Elsie said, "Daria, some bad, bad news. My parents have found out about our relationship and I can't hide it any longer. The secret is out. They know everything."

"You mean...?

"Yes," said Elsie. "They have invited you to dinner."

"Dammit." Daria smiled as she said it. "You couldn't keep your parents hidden away forever." I wonder if Tom will be there.

"A litte rat must have told them. They shall be quite astonished that I have a friend, so be prepared for a thorough cross-examination. Besides, this gives us an opportunity for our first tutoring session. I'd like to go over this horrible outline of the American court system at lunch and tonight I can quiz you on The Knowledge. Tomorrow the seniors will be on the prowl for the new kids, and trust me, they know who you are and will be seeking you."

"Can't help you with the Intro Law stuff today. I have another appointment at the library. I guess our tutoring session will have to be postponed, because I shouldn't charge you money for tutoring me."

"Go ahead and take the money. You have to have dinner with us. Consider it the cost of inconvenience."

(* * *)

Quinn stood in the bathroom applying mascara. The only other girls in the bathroom were two fifth-graders. One of the girls was washing her hands; the other was closely watching Quinn apply the wand.

Patty Clark and Sue Bentley entered the bathroom. "Hi Quinn! God, that's a great idea." Patty looked for her compact. "A morning touch-up."

The girl washing her hands immediately left. As the other girl watched Quinn, Sue Bentley walked up to her and grabbed her by the ear as if trying to lift off her scalp. "Get out of here, you little brat!" Sue shouted as the girl squealed all the way to the door before being shoved out.

Sue Bentley kicked each of the stall doors open. The doors swung against the stall dividers, making a loud racket. "Patty, care to keep watch at the door?"

"All right, but I still have to touch up."

Sue opened her purse, forcing a cigarette out of a box with a well-practiced motion. "Quinn, do you have a match?"

"Uh. I don't smoke."

"Really?" asked Patty. "I have to have that kick before starting the day. Could never do without it. It's a great way to stay slim." Quinn noticed that in a few seconds, Patty already had a cigarette up to her lips and was lighting it.

"You don't smoke, Quinn?" Sue asked, tilting her head. "I can't imagine. Where have you been?"

"Well...my parents don't smoke," said Quinn.

"Parents aren't here, are they?" Sue smiled and handed her cigarette to Quinn. "Take it," Sue said, not as much a request as an order. Quinn grabbed the cigarette by the middle.

"Patty, throw me your lighter." The lighter sailed across the room. "We have a new initiate into the Sisterhood. And, Quinn...next time I wouldn't hold it in the center. You're smoking a cigarette, not giving a hand job."

(* * *)

A Lexis-Nexus search had failed. There was nothing in the catalog, and Daria only had five more minutes before she had to leave the library. The librarian pointed to a stack of decaying newspapers. Daria limited her searches to September editions.

Fortunately, she found what she was looking for. An entire page of information, printed in 1976 and most likely, completely forgotten. She would be prepared to cite chapter and verse, quite willing to pay for the photocopy.

(* * *)

Back at home, Daria threw her blazer to the bedsheets and rapidly exchanged her blouse for an orange T-shirt.

"Daria, here you are about to visit the Sloanes and you're not even dressing," Helen said. "You have a sweet blouse in the closet."

"Sorry Mater. But Elsie said that this was to be an informal dinner, and this is as informal as it gets. Any more informal and I'd be nude."

"Well, you only get one chance to make a first impression. God knows that your father and I are working very hard for you to go to Fielding. This is costing us a lot of money and you need to maximize your opportunities to make friends."

"Mater, I have maximized the opportunities. They are maximized at n = 1."

"Very well, Daria. But if you keep calling me 'Mater' I'm going to maximize the amount of chores I have you do over the weekend."

Daria bounded down the stairs carrying her backpack. Quinn was watching FashionVision.

"Careful, Quinn. Make sure you're not watching a repeat, or it would be a major faux pas. Oh. That's right. Everyone wears the same blazer and skirt at Fielding."

"Ha, ha. And of course, you bring your books when you visit a friend. It shows why you don't have any friends if the nicest thing you can bring is a book."

"Aren't you worried about 'The Knowledge'?"

"Oh, that stuff. Daria...I'm a Top. Tops don't get asked stuff like that. We have other more important responsibilities."

"Right. Because Fielding students are smart enough to know there'd be no point examining an empty head. I'm going outside to wait for my ride."

(* * *)

Daria had to blink twice when she saw it pull up to the driveway. It was an old Lincoln Continental. Daria guessed that the car had to be at least twenty years old. The paint had flaked away from the right front bumper, and rust had grabbed a strong foothold.

Tom rolled down the window and waved. "Your ride is here." Daria climbed into the back seat with Elsie. (She didn't dare climb into the unoccupied passenger's seat.)

"Uh...where are the seat belts?" Daria asked.

"You know," said Elsie. "I've never asked. I'm afraid to learn the answer."

"C'mon," said Tom. "You have to live dangerously. I'm only driving with a learner's permit. Hey Daria," smiled Tom. "Nice to see that you dressed for the occasion." Daria was embarassed, and failed to notice that Tom's smile was a warm one.

(* * *)

The meal was surprisingly intimate. There was a large dining table, but only one end of it was used, with everyone grouped together at one side. Tom, Elsie, and Daria were provided water (no soda) while Elsie's parents - Angier and Kay Sloane - drank wine. Daria noticed that Tom looked a lot like his mother, Kay. Elsie's black hair came from Angier, but Elsie didn't resemble either parent that much despite being Tom's fraternal twin.

Daria expected an interrogation, but it was a pleasant one. Daria mentioned that her father was a traveling representative for LifePharma, the same crazy job that he had in Highland. Her mother was an associate with Vitale et. al. and Angier mentioned that he knew Jim Vitale. "It's a good firm," Angier said, "it services the corporate sector. As long as there's a contract to be disputed your mother will always find work."

"It seems that there's a lot being disputed these days," said Daria. "Mom is rarely home."

"Well, neither was Angier when they had him working a desk at Goldberg Brothers," said Kay. "Mean old man, leaving me to raise two children."

"So Mother, you were at one time a wispy French girl?" asked Elsie.

"Daria, Elsie's talking about the au pair," said Tom. "Between her, the guy who does the lawn and Francesca, I can say '****' in four languages."

Daria expected a firestorm at the dinner table from such invective, imagining her father. ('DAMMIT, YOU CAN'T SAY '****' AT THIS TABLE!') but everyone just laughed. "I believe the reason that she left was because twins were too much for her. Particularly these two."

"Hmm. Funny," said Angier. "My recollection is that it had something to do with a drug arrest. Cecille lost her green card. Details were vague."

"That reminds me! I have something for you, Angier." Kay left for the kitchen, and returned with a plate full of brownies and a ltter.

("Your Mom's a great cook," whispered Daria.)

("The help made the food a few hours ago," whispered Elsie, "Mom carries it in.")

"Angier, this is from Tyler."

"They still won't let Tyler use a phone or a computer?" Tom asked.

Angier opened the letter and read it:

Dear Bro, I'm doing very well at the facility. Group therapy is just charming, there are lots of interesting people to meet here - and I promise that I'm not having sex with any of them, more's the pity. I've been dry for a couple of weeks this time; I truly believe that I'll make it through the whole two months. Sorry for the handwriting, but the staff is horrible - they confiscated my cellphone and a bottle of Tyler. Bitches. Writing lots of letters. Very strict food choices, reminds me of Pritikin and how Aunt Mara loved Pritikin. Mara weighed eighty pounds at the end; I'm hitting the streets after all of this is over - for a donut!

All my love to Kay, Tom, and Elsie: Tyler

"I'm glad he's doing well," said Kay.

"He tries," said Angier.

Elsie took Daria's upper arm, drawing her closer. "It's a pity, because Uncle Tyler's so entertaining when he's wasted. What is this, Dad? The eighth time in rehab? He didn't make it through the previous seven.

"Well, maybe it will stick, God help him."

"Hate to leave this scintillating conversation," said Elsie. "But I suppose Daria and I must depart. You know, gossip, candy, all that stuff that girls do."

"Daria, it was a pleasure meeting you," Kay said.

"Likewise," said Daria. "I enjoyed the meal."

"It's a damned lie," said Tom with a grin. "Daria's pleasure was fleeting."

Daria was glad that Tom was teasing her. "On the contrary," said Daria. "Not only was the meal a good one, I can statistically prove it was."

"How?" said Tom.

"No one left screaming," said Daria, and she got what she wanted from Tom - another laugh.

"Well, I'll have to let Angela know you remembered her," said Kay, "I certainly hope you'll come back again."

(* * *)

"Two jugs of sour mash whiskey, a handgun, and a 'stack of wheats'," Daria answered.

"Good," said Elsie. "That should fill your gaps in The Knowledge."

"Well, your parents helped. I wonder what Fielding would be have been like if Habbakuk Fielding had brought another handgun instead of those wafers when he met the Cherokee."

"If he had, we would be a university. It wouldn't have mattered. He was a Crestview man, so he probably didn't bring bullets." Elsie looked at the clock. "Anyway, Mom and Dad just wanted to know that this 'friend' of mine wasn't fictional."

"Why wouldn't they believe you?"

"Well...to be honest, I've never quite had a friend. Yes. Shameful. I believe the last person I invited home was in fourth grade. Teresa Kettle. I suppose two weeks of my company was enough. You might know her. Sits behind us in Intro to Law, and very, very queer."

"Actually, I've noticed that she's..uh...very friendly with that blonde girl that sits beside her." Daria asked.

"Oh yes. But think about it, Daria. All of these young people in boarding school that spend the overwhelming majority of their time with members of the same sex. It twists them. Lots of 'experimentation'. No public displays of affection of course, but if Teresa invites you for a night over for milk and cookies, then expect to eat more than just cookies."

Elsie and Daria left the room. "We have an hour before Tom must send you away. So let's have fun. What about some backgammon?"

"Backgammon? Hmm. You know, 'Sick Sad World' is coming up. New episode."

"Hm?" asked Elsie.

"Oh. You might not watch it. 'Sick Sad World' is a program about various forms of human idiocy. Required viewing."

"Oh. Well, I've never seen it. It sounds fun."

"It will be good tonight. There's a tape of a rant against Chinese people by Michael Richards when the cameras caught him at a midget wrestling match."

"Who's Michael Richards?"

"Wow," said Daria. "He played Kramer on 'Seinfeld'."

"What's 'Seinfeld'?"

"Huh? You're putting me on."

"Well, I don't watch very much television. I must have missed that."

"It was on for nine years," said Daria. "It was the most successful comedy since 'I Love Lucy'."

"What's 'I Love Lucy'?