Chapter 4

In your eyes, I shake, pray, and burn.

Arthur was never particularly intimate toward Alfred in private. They were more alienated back then; everything was merely official contacts between countries. After the First World War ended, America wasn't too happy with the way France insisted on the harsh compensation to Germany. He declared not to be involved in European affairs again. England, the world's financial centre at the time, had been crippled by the Great War. As a result, England's control over his territories had been weakened. His economy was in recession.

Alfred knew the world's focus would gradually shift away from Europe-perhaps it would shift onto him. He was satisfied with this. He liked seeing his people enjoying more of the benefits; he was also excited by the promotion of his status. His people entered the Jazz Age with him. Everything in life was like a smooth, humorous note. Everything seemed so wonderful. In comparison, Europe was still shrouded in the shadow of the post-war recovery, not knowing when happiness could be found again.

Dressed in an appropriately tailored suit, vest, and shirt, Alfred was like any other lively teenagers in this country. His footsteps were cheerful as he took a lady's hand and spun around the dance floor, face shining with glory. Arthur was in a conversation with other important figures. Many countries had joined this party. They were occupied with securing good relationships nonstop in this "after-party" after a busy day.

After one song, Alfred left the dance floor and walked to the side to take a glass of champagne. Unexpectedly, he found Arthur sitting on a chair not too far away from him. Arthur had his back to Alfred; he seemed to be alone.

Alfred would not allow anyone to be alone in his party, so he took another glass of champagne and walked over.

"It's a nice party, don't you think?"

Alfred put down the wine. "We're finally done with the war, so how about having some fun? Even an inflexible guy like you is no exception."

Arthur shot him a glance, picked up the glass and took a sip. "Nothing ends well with such extravagance."

"Hm? I thought economic liberalism came from your place?" Alfred said with a grin. He wasn't surprised to see Arthur's frown deepen.

"Nice." Arthur said, "The brat thinks he's going to take off."

"That's the truth, isn't it?"

Arthur was silent. Alfred shrugged, "How about having a dance?"

"My legs don't feel like torturing itself today."

"Oh, what a shame. I had wanted to see how the 'gentleman', or so they say, dances. But maybe it's just as I thought, you've only been bluffing since the past. Ha ha ha."

"The doubts you have are quite unnecessary." Arthur lowered his head and smiled. Alfred was surprised he wasn't provoked by this.

Arthur left his seat and pulled his collar, making it more upright.

"Perhaps your daft brain does not remember anymore... but don't you know who taught you how to dance?"

Alfred rolled his eyes, "Apparently you did. But I honed it myself more often."

"Such a strong individualism." Arthur said, "Your partner must be really unfortunate to dance with such a self-centered person."

"Oh, Mr. Kirkland, I don't really want to chat about such roundabout topics. The party is for relaxing after all." Alfred replied. He looked at the dance floor. The band seemed to have started a new round of performance. Arthur shot a glance toward the center of the hall too.

They were done with their wine and the conversation. Alfred turned his head back to Arthur.

"Make yourself happier." Alfred said kindly, "Or your eyebrows will get bigger."

Arthur held back the swear words at the tip of his tongue, and left gracefully in good manners.

"What a pretentious guy." Alfred thought as he watched him from the behind.

He danced to many songs for some time after that, failing to notice that pretentious guy's eyes never took off of him while standing by the rail on the second floor.

The Door into Summer

Alfred was sitting in front of the desk in his study, earnestly reading the documents sent by his civil officer. He had already been reading for the whole afternoon, so he figured he should get up and exercise a bit. He rubbed his eyes, turned to the back and looked out the window behind him. The children next door were kicking a red rubber ball; their shepherd dog chasing it happily beside them. After a while, the female owner turned on the lawn sprinkler. The younger boy charged forward in this small shower while shouting. The shepherd dog was also running in the middle of the water drops; its long and curly fur hung wet on its body.

Alfred smiled. He couldn't help but think maybe he could keep a pet too. In that case, this house should be livelier. If Arthur came over, they could take a walk together with the dog and throw a frisbee for it to chase after in the park. Perhaps Arthur would knit a blanket or something for their dog; he could do the needlework anyway. It was incredibly strange.

His civil officer had told him he would come over after work to pick up the documents Alfred had dealt with. Alfred had some time to spare, so he decided to phone Arthur again. After their supposed "pleasant" conversation last time, Alfred was feeling extremely confident that they would make up. If the situation went well, perhaps the call he was about to make would successfully invite Arthur over so he could praise the new decoration (and prove it was a right decision to replace the curtains while he's at it). The call connected immediately. The familiar response rung in his ears and made his heart itch.

"The hero's here!"

"Don't get too cocky with me." Arthur's voice sounded somewhat flat through the phone.

"You admitted it yourself, so don't tell me you forgot. The hero won't take any objection."

"What is it?"

"Just thought about calling you." Alfred replied honestly, "Being grounded doesn't feel good at all."

"Oh." Arthur paused, his sound coming back after a while, "I'm a bit busy here, can we talk about this another time?"

"Let me see.. it should be 10 pm in London right now. Don't tell me you're busy preparing a strip show?"

"No... I really meant it. I'm busy."

"It sounds pretty quiet over there. Are you home?"

"Yes."

"..." Alfred thought for a moment, "Don't tell me you have a guest over."

"Indeed I do."

"... Do I know the person?"

"You don't. All right, there's nothing more to say about this. I'm hanging up."

"Arthur." Alfred's voice sounded serious, "You..."

Before he could finish his sentence, he heard someone calling Arthur.

"Baby~ what are you doing?"

Because the voice sounded far away, Alfred couldn't tell if the person was male or female. He grabbed the phone in surprise and questioned, "Who's that?"

"You don't need to know." Arthur's voice sounded a little irritated, "I'll be right back!" He yelled at that person.

"Oh, okay. Hurry up. My baby really misses that soft, little place of yours~"

"What the hell are you doing, Arthur?"

"It's none of your concern." Arthur's tone was cold, "I'm hanging up."

"It's really over between us if you hang up right now!"

"Oh, that suits me just fine." Arthur said flatly, "To be honest, I'm tired of it. In that case, I'll take the time to make it clear for you now. You're a brat who never learnt your place. There's no way I'll love you. In other words, I don't love you since the start. Am I clear? I don't love you. All right, I'm hanging up now. Good night."

Memories are just like snowflakes that are blown into the sea of time. If you don't pick it up and preserve it, it will melt away sooner or later. Alfred's feeling toward Arthur was like this.

Ever since they were together, Alfred was always the one to take the initiative. Maybe it was really because he was "younger", so he expressed his emotions more directly. He didn't really mind that much about this drawback with Arthur. After all, dealing with Arthur or liking Arthur required many talents itself. For instance, eat the food he made and not foam at the mouth (and he was already used to it since he was little. In fact, he didn't really think it was that bad). Second, have the ability to ignore the atmosphere, so he could disregard the words said by Arthur that meant the opposite.

But he knew Arthur was in love with him as well, even though the way he expressed his concern was clumsy, and Alfred himself didn't receive his kindness often. Still, even if there were uncertainties in this relationship, he never doubted that Arthur would deceive him and pretend they were going out. In his knowledge, Arthur seemed to lack interest in this kind of relationship. If he really didn't love him (regardless of what kind of love it was), then there was no way they would be together in private even if another hundreds of years had passed. Arthur's personality was difficult to deal with after all.

He didn't know why he paid more attention to Arthur's whereabouts since that party. Whenever another meeting or dinner party was held, he would always divert some of his attention to observe what Arthur was doing. So if Alfred was asked why he would go from slightly noticing Arthur to loving him, he would say he didn't know how to explain it either.

Perhaps it was because of his tone, or because of the obviously ridiculing smile as he squinted his eyes, or because of the mouth that was never honest. Or maybe it was because he had always helped him unintentionally or intentionally, or because of the way he looked into the distance-everything about him was as charming as mellow wine.

This feeling towards Arthur was unlikely from the time they spent together when he was a teenager. That was too distant and dreamlike. At the same time, Alfred didn't think he had the spare energy to be caught between war and love.

In short, he loves him. That was the one thing he was sure of. And he planned on telling him one day.

Now that he thought about it, that fateful evening was like a dream. After the world meeting was over that day, Alfred invited Arthur out under false pretenses. He had believed this would be quite difficult, but it was actually easier than he thought it would-as long as the reason was legitimate. Take the following example:

America wants to discuss national affairs with England.

Even though he had agreed to it, and the car was already parking outside the restaurant, Arthur still thought it wasn't a good idea to have dinner with Alfred face to face in the fancy restaurant. He wasn't in the mood to appreciate the live violin perfomance, let alone taking a good look at the menu. Sitting in front of him was Alfred, chatting away with the waiter happily and ordering his food presumptuously in passing.

After finishing the talk with the waiter, Alfred smiled and faced Arthur, "Even though I think fast food tastes good, but it's nice to come here occasionally and cooperate with the act you're putting on."

"Only a brat would think that kind of unhealthy food is delicious." Arthur criticized bluntly.

Alfred's smile deepened, "If a championship of pretension was ever held, I bet you'll get a pretty high ranking for sure."

Arthur ignored him, staring at the plate and silverwares placed in front of him as if intending not to waste his breath.

"The champagne here is nice. If you can control your alcohol addiction, let's order one?"

"No thanks. Champagne is for celebration. There's nothing worth celebrating for today."

"Not necessarily." Alfred refuted, not quite agreeing with him. "You never know when you'll suddenly encounter a worthy surprise, don't you think?"

"To be honest, I don't really like something as rude as surprises."

"What?" Alfred widened his eyes in disbelief, "My god, your brain makes me very curious. What is it made up of?"

"Right back at you." Arthur said bluntly, "I'm really curious as to why you grew up into such a daft and arrogant person."

"Weren't you the one that taught me?"

"What! You weren't so-" He didn't finish his sentence. Arthur swallowed the words back after being agitated, "... Never mind."

"You finally realized it's meaningless to talk about the things in the past all the time?" Alfred made the conclusion in satisfaction. The waiter happened to pass by their table, so he really ordered a bottle of champagne.

Arthur only wanted to finish the dinner and leave. Perhaps it was true that he was usually concerned about Alfred. Perhaps it was true that he missed the time in the past in his heart, but whatever it was, he didn't want it to be like this now... face to face together with this Alfred with nowhere to hide. The wine came soon, the appetizer placed on their table later.

"Cheers."

Alfred picked up the wineglass. Arthur raised his wineglass together unwillingly (but still with good manners). Their cups gave off a crisp sound because of the collision.

"All right. I think it's about time you explain the purpose for inviting me over."

"To have a meal. With you. It's this simple."

Alfred forked a small piece of cheese into his mouth. Arthur felt uncomfortable with the way his azure eyes were looking at him.

"Are you nervous? I won't do anything."

"There's nothing to be nervous about!" Arthur replied angrily, "I just want to end this meal as soon as possible now!"

Alfred forked a piece of lettuce up again. "Oh." He only replied in one syllable this time, as if he never knew how to tell the other person's emotions. Alfred recovered soon.

"Actually, I do have... some things I want to tell you."

Arthur's nerve tensed suddenly. He swung the spoon in his hand unconsciously, his eyes moving up and down with the rhythm of the spoon.

"But you don't like surprises. So I think maybe it's better not to say it..."

"Better spill whatever is on your mind right now. I can't guarantee staying until the end."

Alfred seemed somewhat anxious after hearing this reply, "Arthur, hey... All right, all right. I'll try not to provoke your sensitive nerve. Stay until the end."

Arthur gave a snort of dissatisfaction, "Just say it. What 'surprise' do you want to tell me?"

Arthur didn't hear any reply for three minutes after the end of this sentence. He looked at Alfred in suspicion. His expression was strange. Under the tablecloth, Alfred secretly clenched his fist, relaxed again, and repeated the same process. After discovering Arthur was becoming impatient again, he decided to say what was hidden in his mind for so long. He had to stare at Arthur's ridiculously big eyebrows as much as possible in order to have the nerve to say it. At least he wouldn't feel that the words he was about to say sounded too ridiculous.

"I... um, maybe I want you to be together with me."

"What? As long as we still have the North Atlantic Treaty, we'll work together for as long as you like."

Oh, please. "... What I mean is, together as in kiss you until you're out of breath. That kind."

Alfred stared nervously at his own plate. The tomatoes stacked on the slices of bread were flattened into a mush with a spoon by him.

After about a minute, Arthur responded as if he had suddenly woke up.

"... Oh." After a while, he was expressionless. It was impossible to tell the slightest of signs. Then he said with a flat tone, "Excuse me, I want to go to the toilet." He dropped his napkin and left his seat.

Uh! Does that mean he's rejecting me?

Being left behind, Alfred was in no mood to eat anymore. He didn't know whether he should chase after Arthur or wait for him to come back here. Even though he really wanted to carry out the first option, he eventually decided to stay in his heat and wait.

When he was only a few steps away from the toilet, Arthur quickened his pace so that he was practically running. He covered his mouth and rushed to the washstand. In an instant, all the food he had just eaten came out as vomit. He was still retching continuously even after he had vomited everything out, as if he would only be content until he vomited the gastric acid up. His mouth was full of the acidic stench from the vomit. Because of his vomiting action, his lacrimal gland began secreting tears. He continued to shed tears uncontrollably.

Then he turned on the tap, washing the filths that weren't much in the first place down the drain immediately with the strong jet of water. He cupped the water with his hands and splashed it onto his face. It was impossible to tell whether it was water or tears that fell from his face.

He stayed in the toilet for a long time. The people beside him came and went, but he only concentrated on staring at his emerald eyes in the mirror. Time passed slowly, never waiting for anyone. Then he finally took a step and left.

While waiting, Alfred had been looking anxiously in the direction of the bathroom. So when Arthur finally came out, he noticed Arthur's pale face immediately. He questioned urgently as soon as Arthur sat down.

"Are... you okay?"

"Can't be any better." Arthur replied.

"Then..."

"Please give us another bottle of champagne." Arthur said suddenly to the waiter on the side. Alfred looked at him in surprise.

"You can celebrate now." Arthur said, his voice sounding somewhat weak. "Cheers."

They were together just like that. The dealings between them had always been low-key. Only those close them would notice they were together. Sometimes Alfed would want to do something further like other couples would, but Arthur could always avoid it skillfully.

You can't cross that line. Don't ask why. Don't think about it. Just stay at the point where we're still able to control.

When you open your eyes, the light you see is not necessarily sunlight. The me you see may not be me. This is not true. The world is outside the world. Words cannot be trusted. Hope will always only be hope.

Please don't do this to me. Don't betray me.

... And there's only one thing I had hoped for, from the beginning to the end.