Title: Love Accidentally - Chapter 44
Author: kreia03
Rating: M
Warnings: Swear words.
Disclaimer: I own nothing and I hate that fact. Seriously.
Summary: It should have been the perfect time, Naomi knew, for her to tell Emily what she really felt, yet for some reason she could not really point out, her throat was closing up on everything, her heart lodging itself that it blocked all things she was trying to spill out, even breathing.
A/N: Heap loads of thanks to my beta Nat, (Naomilyox) for helping me throughout and constantly giving me ideas, and for editing this as well. She's pure awesome. And to TDTC for the late night convos (late in my time, haha.) As well as to all those who had stuck with this fic all throughout, thanks so much for the comments, they equal to love in my books. :)
It was all significantly planned out in her head, the words carefully mapped in ways that she thought was best, yet, with one unexpected turn of events, all had been left undone.
She was still staring at the newspaper with wide, bulging eyes while it shook frantically in her hands, skimming and skipping through the hundreds of words written in that particular column at the same time until they all blended into something incomprehensible, the spaces between the letters growing wider and wider as she gazed longer; just stared at the picture in a way like she wanted it to burst into flames under her intense gaze, or magically disappear, just because it couldn't happen, shouldn't happen, not now. "Emily." Her head snapped up as she tried to call out amidst her suddenly drying throat and hoarse, shaky voice. "This isn't what you think."
"Then tell me what it is." Emily hissed sharply, biting.
"Em, it isn't I swear." Naomi glanced down at the paper again, the picture growing gallingly larger, as if it was mocking her in some way, gallingly not only because it was printed on the front page, of all fucking places, but rather more of worry concerning the meanings she knew Emily would take from it, the same ones she knew that bore no absolute truth in them. Panicking, the sweat on her palms reminded her, despite her mind's--no, her heart's constant protests, that she was going to lose this game, this battle before it had even began. And she had to hastily close her eyes, to try and think of a way to explain things without making matters worse, to save whatever she could once and for all. Sadly, she came up with nothing but a plea, because, really, what could she tell Emily? The 'I kissed Effy for old time's sake' of an excuse she came up with seemed to be flying out of the closest window the more she thought about it, since starting the counter attack by mentioning her name just wasn't going to cut it if she wanted to win. It seemed to be the more destructive path compared to what she could be taking, even if it indeed was the real reason, but then again, what other path was left for her to take?
"Please believe me." Somewhere along those lines, she heard a sound bespeaking Katie's utter disapproval, yet this wasn't about Emily's mirror image or anybody else, this was between her and Emily. In a vigorous attempt to form a coherent thought, she tried to block the world out, but the world had just rapidly changed in meaning, drastically as well, and she realized that this was aboutthe world,herworld, that was now stood glaring right in front of her, with magnificent conviction which she knew she inspired. "I swear it's nothing."
"I said tell me what it is about!" Emily snapped, her voice rising up a notch that it took Naomi by surprise, even Katie and JJ who didn't expect such a sudden outburst, flinching as the shrill sound reverberated through the whole yard. She watched Naomi intently with heavy breaths, until she squirmed and fidgeted under her gaze, and Naomi's silence was all that she needed to somehow confirm everything she had been worrying about the past days. "I figured." Emily swallowed hard; screwed her eyes shut as the ripping feeling in her heart began, slowly turning into a frenzy, faster and faster, deeper and deeper, leaving marks and scratches everywhere in such a way that it seemed as if it was clawing her heart out. And it was enough to send her to tears, no matter how much she tried to fight it, despite the many times she had reminded herself not to cry, even if worse comes to worst, because she was that fucking in love with Naomi that it could not be helped anymore, tearing her apart completely.
She turned around on her heels and stormed inside the house, the relentless streaming tears blinding her for a moment that she felt a sudden need to slow down, yet, her shallow breaths were increasing in an alarming rate. Somehow, it got her into thinking that she'd pass out at the foot of the staircase and she had to hold onto something just to keep herself up, amidst the nauseating feeling and the dizziness caused by her uneven breathing and something else tugging, while her heart felt like it was being squeezed tight at the same time, up to a point that it seemed like it would just voluntarily stop and give up its beating.
Though, some part of her wished for the beating to actually stop, wished the fast thud thuds to trickle down until there was almost nothing.
She heard the loud slam of the back door, the familiar set of footsteps echoing in the now lighted hallway, fast yet heavy, and she knew she should be moving into some other part of the house as it drew closer, but she was frozen at where she was currently standing, barely even capable of keeping herself upright and holding it together. It was a struggle, and when the footsteps eventually died down, she watched a little bit helplessly as Naomi settled in front of her, a fair distance away.
"Emily." Naomi called out hesitantly, almost breathless, the pleading in her voice far too noticeable. "Listen to me yeah? I need you to believe me."
"I always did." The stern expression in Emily's face was back up, even before Naomi could finish. "But you've given me more than enough reasons not to anymore."
Naomi ran both her palms along the whole length of her face, scrunching it in the process. "Em, don't say that. Please." She had never said 'please' more than once in her entire life, or even begged someone that bad, yet in this case, she was more than willing to plead as much as it was needed to, just so she could get Emily to believe her and trust her again. She took a tentative step forwards, a hand reaching out uncertainly when Emily didn't give out any form of response, fingers encircling around Emily's wrist, and when she still didn't move, Naomi took the risk of bringing herself closer by another step. "Em--"
"Don't touch me." It was soft yet heavy, the firmness in it far too undeniable that it felt like a solid slap in some way, the sting of it all the same. "Let me go." But it wasn't enough to make Naomi oblige, to let Emily go, in all of its sense, and her grip on her tightened instead, just because the mere idea of it scared her the most, up to a point that she herself was terrified of the strength of her own fear.
"No." Naomi replied with the same amount of resolve. "Not until you listen to me."
"I said let me go." Emily wriggled her hand away from Naomi's grip; took a few steps back to keep her at bay, because the closer she was to her, the more it hurt her, the proximity itself bringing a rush of pain with it.
"Will you at least let me explain?"
"I'm tired Naomi. I'm sick and tired of all the explanations, of all the fucking excuses." Emily shook her head; blinked the tears away in the process, but there were just too much that they ended up falling relentlessly along her cheeks. "I don't want to hear them anymore. I can't, it's hurting me too much." Her voice broke down even before she was done, the words so fucking true that each one scarred her as she uttered them out.
"No." Naomi's eyes softened, a hand tentatively reaching out for the second time. "Emily, don't say that."
Emily took a few more steps back, suddenly looking all lost and weak. "I can't take anything anymore Naomi." She folded her arms; hugged herself tight in search for some kind of comfort while she fought through her soft sobs to speak. "I can't."
It should have been the perfect time, Naomi knew, for her to tell Emily what she really felt, yet for some reason she could not really point out, her throat was closing up on everything, her heart lodging itself that it blocked all things she was trying to spill out, even breathing.
"Let's stop this now." She heard Emily say, though she almost failed to because the words came out so breathless, yet it was doing her head in nevertheless, in ways she could hardly even imagine. "Let's stop before it gets worse." She felt a sudden twinge when Emily spoke again (like Emily was drilling the thought into her head), creeping through her heart in the slowest, most torturing way she could ever feel, that it was almost so near to making her heart cease beating altogether; and the amount of pain somehow reminded her of why she should never let people in, in the first place, something she used to believe in for years, until Emily came and chipped her way inside. And it was so fucking ironic how the one person who had successfully brought her walls down was the same exact one who was now tearing her apart.
"What do you mean?" Naomi finally managed to ask, after a good while of not speaking, just merely catching breaths for the necessity of it. "Are you--" She swallowed hard and sucked a lungful so deep that it hurt when the cold air reached her lungs. "Are you breaking up with me?" She grimaced at how helpless the question came out, because even the words escaping her mouth were pretty much evidences of how desperate she was for everything not to end, particularly this, the one thing she never thought she would ever want.
It was when Emily nodded in answer that her world started spinning endlessly, and everything seemed to be slipping from her hands, no matter how tight she held onto them, slipping like fucking sand through the spaces in between her fingers, so fast that she barely caught any remnant of it, just a grain or two, and even those few seemed to be slipping away as well. "You're joking right?" She laughed nervously, and it took her all the effort she could muster to let out that particular laugh, an odd source of assurance to somehow tell herself that everything was going to be alright. "Come on Em, stop kidding yeah?"
Emily tipped her head up; savored the sound of Naomi's shaky laugh because this might be the last time she'd be able to hear it. "Naomi--"
"No." Naomi shook her head firmly, breaking Emily off before she could even utter another word, because for some reason, it genuinely felt like Emily's every word was driving a nail to their relationship. "No. I'm not letting you break up with me."
"We're just going to keep on hurting each other." Emily brought her head down and sniffled, running a finger under her nose. "We can't be together anymore."
Naomi ran her fingers through her hair, fisting a handful in the process out of frustration and every other feeling she was far too confused to even acknowledge, too lost, yet it still all seemed so wrong, and she felt like she was on the verge of losing it, of losing Emily. "No Em." Her lips parted and they started to quiver uncontrollably. "No, just no. Don't do this to me, please."
"I never wanted to, but it's for the best."
"You can't leave me." She whispered helplessly, sinking a little bit into her knees because everything was happening too fast, and it was wearing her out in some way, this battle she was struggling to win that was. "You promised me you won't."
Emily rubbed her hands down the whole length of both her arms, seeking temporary comfort from the heat that was seeping through her palms, even if that alone wasn't enough because at her current state, she'd take anything than none at all.
"You said you love me Em. Why are you saying this now?" Naomi continued at once, when Emily seemed to be determined not to speak. "Is this what your love's like then? Ending things so easily?"
"It must have been just this much." Emily slowly turned her head, leveling her firm gaze at Naomi while she answered with enough conviction that she could gather. "No matter how much I love you, this is all I could put up with."
Emily's answer left Naomi stunned, disarming her completely for a long moment because it wasn't what she was expecting to hear, and in that short span of time, she was back to cursing everything else that had brought her to this state, to a breaking heart. "Why are you giving up on us all of a sudden? Why are you being like this?"
"Because I'm done with dreaming Naomi." Emily replied sternly through gritted teeth, the corners of her jaw turning rock solid as they clenched tight. "I'm tired of hoping that us will ever work."
Naomi pressed a fist to her lips, biting it hard but not enough to break the skin; sighed deep. "You don't mean that." She shook her head exceedingly as her eyes slowly filled with tears clouding her vision altogether, and it was taking a series of long swallows just to not let them fall.
"I'm taking you out of my life."
It was all that it took for everything to fall apart, all that Naomi had managed to build collapsing right in front of her very eyes, like a house of cards carelessly blown by the wind, falling alongside with her tears, and it was only then that she realized that her whole world was crumbling down with everything else remaining.
***
In Katie's eyes, it was all wrong.
They were fucking meant to be together, like, for forever, was what she thought while watching everything unfold right before her, so fucking meant to be that it was nauseating at some point, how lovesick both Naomi and Emily looked like (or at least they used to, both of them not having any idea that they did look like it, because now, they both seemed so devastated with what was happening, which still was a sign of how helplessly in love they were with each other, even so), nauseating yet inspiring and jealous worthy nevertheless; and she was so close to slapping them both hard in their faces, tell them to just work it out, and like, fucking kiss and make-up because this was all a waste of time.
(She had never seen them both in such state, and it was so gut wrenching for some reason, the sight of them that was, and she felt like she was watching something that was supposed to be seen only on tv, never in real life.)
But when she heard Emily's voice breaking, and saw the tears in Naomi's eyes threatening to fall, it dawned on her how heavy the situation was and how destructive it could be, by the way Emily was crying her heart out and how Naomi was almost down to her knees begging her twin not to break-up with her.
It took her by surprise as well, when Emily talked about ending things with Naomi, something she didn't see coming, because, well, it never crossed her mind that it would be this big, and they were, like, the sort of unbreakable, ideal couple, or at least to her, regardless of how they could be too daft and ridiculous sometimes, hiding their feelings from each other even if it was just too obvious to even cover up. Some part of her couldn't help but feel guilty for starting all of this and probably flaming it as well, and she knew she would be feeling so much worse when things end in a sour note, yet, she couldn't bring herself to put an end to it and actually meddle, because it wasn't her business, firstly, and she was too surprised to move, with the way things were slowly turning out.
Though, it was a different case when Effy came running, bursting through the front door and the first thing that struck her was the unbearable pain present in Emily's face.
***
"Naomi."
It was faint and almost wheezing, yet loud enough to hear for the room had suddenly gone awfully quiet, save for heavy breaths and a few sobs escaping from Emily's lips.
Naomi slowly twisted around, and the shock only registered a moment after realizing who it was. "Effy?"
Effy leaned against the pushed open door, a hand resting above the handle. "I just saw the news, and I went here as soon as I could." She answered in between gasps, sucking air in as much as she could as an attempt to catch her breaths.
Naomi pressed her lips together; shifted her gaze, and it was the pained expression in Emily's face that her eyes caught a glimpse of first, unraveling her completely because Emily's stares were fucking accusatory and just anguished at the same time, and it fell heavy on her, lingering, the weight of the stares almost hurting like physical punches thrown in low blows, yet, still nothing compared to that twinge kicking her hard in the chest. "Emily--"
Emily raised a hand, palm open, and it was telling Naomi to stop, whatever she was going to say not mattering anymore, because she was just too tired of this, too tired of waiting for something she knew would never come. "Don't. Just don't." She shook her head; gripped her shoulders unconsciously, her nails digging deep against her exposed skin, and it was supposed to hurt, she was supposed to feel the skin breaking open with the way she was almost clawing it, yet she felt nothing, the throbbing pain in her chest still strongly discernible that it was almost the only thing she could actually feel.
Naomi took another step forwards, and she was halfway taking another when Katie stopped her, rushing in quickly, a hand held up while the other rested on Naomi's elbow. "Not now Naomi." Katie whispered sharply as her gaze warily flickered between her twin and Naomi, sometimes throwing sharp glares towards Effy's general direction if the situation permitted her to do so. She watched as Naomi slowly turned her head, eyeing her with a confused yet painful look, and she felt her heart breaking for her and her sister again the second time that day, because theirs was a kind of relationship that didn't deserve this kind of fucked up situation, well, at least for her. "Emily's not going to listen to you yeah? She's too stubborn to listen to anybody right now." She tore her gaze away, letting it fall at Effy's slightly shocked but mostly baffled face, throwing a somewhat disgusted look as she mouthed, "Especially with her around."
Naomi watched as Emily shifted her weight to another leg, her head still hanging low, before turning her back completely from all of them as Emily trod up the stairs with heavy steps, the loud clanks of her heels filling the whole living room momentarily; and she felt her shoulders slump out of defeat, because it wasn't meant to end this way, not like this. "Katie I can't." She barely whispered, feeling Katie's grip tighten as she tried to shake away from it. "I don't want to--"
"Naomi." Katie called out warily. "You can't push it. It'll only make things worse."
Naomi broke free from Katie's firm grip; turned on her heels to face the older twin, and it was hurting her somehow, seeing Katie that was, because she was of such a close resemblance to Emily that the pain almost cut her the same way, despite the many things that made them distinguishable enough, it still hurt almost the same. "I can't Katie. I can't just--" She paused to shake her head, the bridge of her nose being pinched between her forefinger and her thumb, and she could feel her head spinning ridiculously fast, could feel like the walls were closing in on her as she found it harder to breathe by each passing second, because she knew where this was heading, where everything was heading and she only needed to hear a few words to make it official, to tell her that all indeed was over. "No." It was firm and defiant, yet it wasn't able to change anything, no matter how heavy the conviction was in it, because things remained yet the same, and it was hurting her more, the thought that she could have done something much, much earlier, that she wasted a huge amount of time over senseless things and the only thing that mattered, she took for fucking granted. "I--I made her cupcakes Katie, the ones that look like her, you know." She exhaled a tired, weary breath, and nearly leaned towards Katie for support, because she was sucked up dry of all the energy she used to have earlier, every ounce of it spent down the drain. It honestly felt like she was trying to hold on to a thin thread while dangling on a cliff, trying desperately to heave herself up and go back to safety. "They're not perfect but--but I did my best. And, and--"
"Naomi." Katie tried to cut her off, extending a hand to rub affectionately against Naomi's arms.
"And I changed Zeus' name to Nemo, even got him a collar with his name written in it." Naomi prattled on; pressed the heel of her hand against her forehead a moment after. She could feel an imminent headache fast approaching, but it was nothing like the ones she used to have before, this one being entirely different. "Christ, why did I have to be so fucking stupid."
Katie's eyes softened at the sight, because she had never seen Naomi look this way, so fucking lost and just--just broken, vulnerable. She had always regarded Naomi as the high and mighty one, never fazed by anything thrown her way, never going to bend to somebody else's will, and if it wasn't fucking heartbreaking, Katie didn't know what else to call it. "God Naomi, it's not like, everything's your fault yeah?" It came out with no venom at all, when normally, all her retorts had a trace of harshness in them, but maybe it was for the best, because she didn't want to be the one who would be pushing Naomi to the edge. "Whatever but, we all have a fair share of mistakes."
Naomi's fingers balled into a fist, still pressed tightly against her forehead, and her front teeth were sinking deep against her bottom lip, so near to breaking through the thin skin. "I--It's" She whispered haltingly, cutting herself off altogether, because, really, what was the point? Katie wasn't Emily, and though Katie might accept her explanation and tell her words of comfort, it wasn't what she needed, what she wanted to hear. "Christ."
She turned around without any other word muttered to Katie, walking as fast as she could past Effy, out to the door and straight to her car, (she didn't even acknowledge Effy's presence, and it actually slipped off her mind, that she was there, if truth be told), headed off to nowhere in particular. She just needed to get out of this place, because it seemed like the most logical thing to do at the moment, not running away from the situation but just merely sorting her head out.
Effy stopped her midway, scurrying down the front steps to catch up with her giant strides. "Nai." Effy called out loudly, grabbing her by the wrist and quickly turning her around. "Where are you going?"
Naomi tipped her head up, willing the silent tears streaming down to fall back up to her already aching eyes, if it was just possible. The sky above her turned into a huge blur, the stars' glow growing faint as more tears clouded up her eyes.
"Naomi." Effy called out again, firmer and more forceful this time, as if she was worried that Naomi might do something rather stupid, because, honestly, she had no idea what was going on inside Naomi's head. Despite the years of friendship, this was one side of Naomi she had never seen, didn't even knew it existed; or maybe it was there all along, she was just that fucking blind to see it. "I'm, I--"
Naomi brought her head down; wiped the tears away as fast as she could, though Effy had already seen them, so it was no use. She didn't speak but waited for Effy instead.
"I swear it wasn't me Nai." Effy started, taking another step towards Naomi hesitatingly, and when Naomi didn't move, she lifted her free foot and planted it beside the other. "I don't know how there's a video and the pictures--" Naomi's face stayed blank, still looking so lost and the least Effy could do was to apologize. "I'm sorry." She whispered helplessly. "If I had known, I would have not done such a thing Nai. I wish I could take everything back."
"If only things were just that simple." Naomi murmured in answer, and it was all that Effy would get, because she was far too much hurt right now that she couldn't think of anything but the dull, thudding pain inhabiting her chest, and she was so fucking scared that it would reside permanently in there, living in between the open wounds left scarred in her heart.
It was when she reached the comfort of her car did she let the tears fall, letting her forehead press up against the steering wheel, and she sunk wearily to her seat because she could almost hear Emily saying it's over at the back of her mind, the mere thought just as daunting as the real thing.
***
She found the momentary solace that she was desperately seeking for at her Mum's house, after countless hours of pointless driving around the whole of Bristol.
Nursing the cup of tea which her Mum had made, in between her hands, she heaved a deep breath, closed her eyes as she took comfort from the heat seeping through the ceramic cup and straight to her clammy palms. Her eyes were fixed at the cup, particularly at the wisp of smoke rising from it; stared at it blankly until it vanished into thin air altogether.
"Love." Gina called out all too lovingly, putting a hand on top of Naomi's arm, the nearest she could reach; and the gesture somehow elicited some sort of twinge that crept through Naomi's chest, something torn between anger and just plain wishful thinking because she never wanted sympathy, never wanted people to take pity on her (although she knew that her mother didn't mean any harm; was just trying to help, and that alone stopped her from shaking her Mum's hand away), and it hurt because the one person she wanted to hold her might never ever hold her again. "Naomi--"
"Did you see the news?" She asked in a flat tone.
"I did." Gina softly answered, kept her hand intact to where it previously laid. "But there are always two sides to the story, and it's show business. I want to hear your side first before I even conclude anything."
"It didn't mean anything Mum." Naomi closed her eyes for a moment and swallowed hard. "I--It's just some sort of goodbye that Effy asked for and I couldn't say no to her."
"You couldn't?"
Naomi shook her head lightly. "I don't know why."
"Does Emily know about this?" Gina scooted nearer, dragging her chair with her, its feet making light scraping noises as it made contact with the floor. "That it didn't mean anything?"
"I tried telling her, but she wouldn't listen." Naomi blinked twice, licked her lips, and it was silence that followed next, save for the deep heavy breaths mostly coming from her, until, "I never got the chance to tell her Mum." She sighed wearily, and her voice broke just in time as the thin wisp of smoke she was watching disappeared into the air. "I never got to tell her that--that--" Another long swallow, just to push aside the tears threatening to fall. "I never got to tell her how much I love her."
Gina didn't find the need to ask any sort of question and just allowed her daughter to prattle on, even if it pained her somehow to see her in such a state.
"No, wait." Naomi let out a nervous laugh; ran her fingers through her hair. "I had all the chances in the world, I just never took them."
Gina stayed in silence, but the affectionate embrace and the kiss planted on Naomi's temple pretty much told her that her Mum understood, like she always did, and there were no need for words.
"I love her so much."
When the tears fell, thick and heavy, she finally felt free of the control the girl once had, free, yet full of complete adoration for the girl she had driven away from.
***
When she walked up to her old room, the first thing that ever crossed her mind was that the last time she slept there, she was sharing her bed with Emily; and somewhere along the thought, the jolt of pain began to kick in again, the pang hitting her squarely in the chest that she found herself sinking weakly in the mattress in no time.
She wanted to hate how everything seemed to be associated with Emily now, and every single thing she would see would be some sort of reminder, like the color red for an instance, which was the color of her sheets and her fucking car, and she couldn't help the strong grip of her suddenly curling fingers, the fistful of covers crumpling inside, just because.
The idea had never occurred to her before, how Emily was taking over her world little by little, and how she was more than willing to welcome it with open arms; never had, just now, when everything seemed to be too late.
***
"I--I should probably go home."
Katie tore her gaze away from the direction where Naomi had just gone, turning her head towards where the voice had came from, and she was a little bit surprised to see JJ standing in one corner, because she had totally forgotten about him ever since the big confrontation had broken out. "Yeah, well." She paused and propped a hand on her hip for support, feeling a little bit tired from standing longer than she was advised to. "Okay."
JJ nodded in answer, grabbing his rucksack from somewhere. He slung it around his shoulder and was on his way out when a certain memory flicked inside his mind which made him glide into a stop, turning once again as fast as he could that it startled Katie a tad bit. "Could you give the cupcakes to Emily, Katie?"
"What?" Katie shifted her weight on the other leg; propped the other hand against her hip. "Cupcakes?"
"Naomi did make cupcakes." JJ answered with a resigned sigh, peering from under his lids, because he really didn't know if he still should bring the subject up, yet it was the only way he knew he could at least help. There was too much pain looming around, and it was all too much for him to bear. He wanted to ease it somehow. "For Emily I mean."
Katie didn't need to ask why, because, well, she had already figured the reason out; and it added to the guilt she was carrying in some way, knowing that she might have ruined one of the most important moments in both Naomi and Emily's life. "Where are they?"
"They're in the fridge."
"Thanks."
JJ smiled back in return and left Katie with a small wave as he bid her goodbye, his steps slow and heavy, the sounds echoing through the now hollowed halls.
***
It was a struggle to take the first step inside the room, their room, yet, Emily figured, there could be nothing more that would hurt her to lose.
She found herself curling by the bed, like a little ball under the covers, and she was wondering at the same time, amidst the soft sobs and the tears, how it was even possible to be hurt by somebody so much, yet, the feeling would stay the same; would stay as strong as it had been like the first time she'd ever felt it.
It was ironic as well, how she opted to stay at that certain place, even if it was causing her a lot of pain by merely being in there, just to be able to hold onto the memories that came flooding in, because it was the only source of comfort she could turn to at the same time, as odd as it would seem.
It was the closest she could ever get to a dream she once thought she was so near to reaching, like a star that she could almost feel in her fingertips because she was so close to it, blinded by its light and glow that she had forgotten entirely that stars were never reachable in the first place.