The Importance Of Trust
Chapter 9
"Have you seen Cristina?"
Owen looked in all the On-Call rooms and all the supply closets of the hospital. He checked the vent - twice. Every time he ran into Callie or Mark, they gave him the same exact answer.
"Let her be. Give her space."
This answer seemed to make Owen more frustrated.
Jackson seemed to have listened to Derek's request, for in his hospital-wide search, he couldn't find him either.
He called Cristina's cell phone. He paged her. He even ran to her apartment, used his key, and found the place deserted. He checked Joe's at one in the afternoon, no sign of her.
Owen was starting to worry now – not just for her emotional health – but for her physical health as well.
Not knowing what else to do, Owen opened the door to Derek's room in a panic.
The lights were off, a quiet floor fan and the beeping of his monitor were the only noises in the room.
"Did you see the note on the door?" Derek barked with his eyes closed. "The Chief is sleeping. Do. Not. Disturb."
"Where's Cristina?" Owen said in a panic. Derek opened his eyes at the sound of Owen's panicked voice.
"There is sweat dripping from every inch of your body."
"Derek! Where is Cristina?"
"Hey! You need to calm down."
"I looked everywhere she could possibly be. I am beginning to worry for her safety."
Derek motioned for Owen to sit down in a chair aside his bed. Owen gave him a very annoyed look before sitting down.
Derek looked at Owen and gave him a half-amused, half-sad smile. "I told everyone at lunch today that she was fine, there is no reason to worry."
"But she isn't anywhere – It's like she disappeared."
Derek let Owen's mind calm down for a moment before saying. "Then let her disappear."
Owen looked at him in shock. "What?"
"You need to have a little bit more faith." Owen was silent and Derek was thankful that he had calmed down enough to let the words sink in. "You need to have faith in Cristina, and you need to have faith in Meredith. Don't you know that Meredith would never let anything happen to Cristina?"
To those words, Owen didn't know what to say. Of course Derek was right.
"Maybe Meredith took her to your house. That's the one place I didn't check."
Derek sighed, "They're not at the house."
Owen's eyes widened. "You know where they are. Tell me."
Derek's confusion was all over his face. "I thought you were going to practice a little faith. Aren't you working on trust with Cristina right now anyway?"
"I'm going to ask one more time. Where are they?"
"Good. I'm glad you got that out of you system, I don't want to hear that question again." Derek could see Owen's red face turning deeper and deeper. Derek's desire to end Owen's pain was deeper than Derek's usual refusal to open a conversation on his least favorite subject. Nevertheless, Derek started, "You're asking the wrong questions, Owen."
Owen's eyes finally were raised up to Derek's. His last statement gave Owen a glimmer of hope.
"Well, I was going to ask what just happen and what is this big secret is – or whatever just happened in there, but you have made it pretty clear that you're on Cristina's side and you won't rat her out."
"I am not on Cristina's side – especially concerning this."
She doesn't have Derek's support, Owen thought. It must be pretty bad.
"Okay, then – What the hell is 'this'? What just happened at lunch? What did Jackson's note say?"
"Why do you want to know? Maybe you'll regret all this panic once you realize that you actually didn't really want to know."
Owen tried to not let Derek's statement worry him any more. "Why? How bad is it? Why wouldn't I want to know?"
"Because I know who you are in this hospital."
Owen looked at Derek in confusion. "What? What does that mean?"
"You are the guy that took weeks to figure out how depressed Cristina was about the merger, who broke up with her because she perform an – sure, unauthorized – but flawless procedure in your O.R. I am not surprised Cristina didn't tell you about this at all."
"How do you know all of this? What – does Cristina tell Meredith every about our relationship?"
Derek ignored Owen's second question and said, "I am the Chief of this hospital. I know what goes on in it. I see Cristina every single day. Meredith and Cristina know each other backwards, forwards, and upside down."
There was silence as Owen tried to process the information. Have I really been this clueless?
"How bad is it?" Owen finally asked.
"It's- " Derek hesitated.
"Please," Owen begged.
"It's really, really, really bad."
Owen took a deep breath – in and then out.
"You said she broke the law."
"I said that to Jackson to force him to leave. Remember, Callie said she didn't."
Owen, still confused, said, "So she didn't?"
Derek pushed himself up in bed to sit up. He turned on the lamp next to the bed.
"I think it is complicated and there is more than one side of the story-"
"Will you stop playing games, and being Yoda, and tell me what the hell is going on?"
"She didn't break the law. Owen. On the outside, what happened was all within bounds and clean cut."
Owen lean forward in his chair, his eyebrows buried. "And on the inside?"
"I can't-" Derek started.
Owen finished what he thought was his sentence for him, "Because it's not your story to tell."
To that, Derek gave a small laugh and a half-smile. "Actually, it sort of is my story to tell, but I am still not going - "
"Wh-"
"You don't want to know from me. You don't want to know from anyone other than Cristina – that's why you broke yourself into a sweat looking for her."
"But-" Owen protested again.
"Look, I will ease your worries and then we'll be done talking about a subject that is really banned from being talked about in this hospital. Okay?"
Owen put his good hand to his face as if to wash the anger off of it. "Okay."
"First of all, Cristina stood by you through your PTSD, through you being clueless about her depression, and your omission of your feelings for Teddy. You need to be a better man than you have been."
Derek paused, and gave time for his words to sink in. "That is where you start. Give her room for her make mistakes. She certainly gave you room to make yours."
Owen's shame that had been locked up inside of him was starting to surface.
Derek continued, "Bailey's interns-residents have a secret place in this hospital where they go off and bond. I don't know where it is, and I'm not completely sure that's where they are, but if had to guess, that's where they are. I wouldn't go looking for them if I were you."
"Okay," Owen said calmly, thankful that Derek was giving him solid information.
Derek took a deep breath. "Cristina paid for what she did. She really, really, paid for what she did – professionally and personally. When you do find out, don't make her pay anymore."
"I wouldn't, I just want -"
Derek put his hand up to silence him. "What happened wasn't her fault. There were three or four people involved – myself included – and, given the situation she was in, Cristina did what she thought was right."
"What situation?" Derek looked at Owen disapprovingly before Owen gave in. "Okay."
"It wasn't the right thing to do. She knows that now. That's not why she is an Attending."
"Okay," Owen said again.
"It happened a long time ago," Derek started. "She was just starting to move on from what happened when you showed up in your Army-Badassness."
Owen gave a sad smile at the bittersweet memory.
Derek looked into Owen's eyes full with meaning, "You are the reason she moved on."
Owen smiled, "Okay."
"O-kay." From Derek's strong tone, Owen knew the conversation was over.
"Thank you," Owen said softly.
Derek gave a nod to Owen and lifted his hand to turn off the light. Owen stood up and walked to the door.
When Owen's hand was on the handle, he heard Derek say, "Trust Cristina. The best thing you do for her is let her know that you are going to be there for her and not bolt at the first sign of your disapproval."
Already knowing this from his experience last night, Owen gave Derek a smile of gratitude before turning off the overhead lights and closing the door quietly behind him.
Not knowing where to go next, Owen walked to his office to fill out last-minute paperwork. It didn't take him long to realize that he couldn't concentrate on anything but Cristina. His thoughts turned into an endless string of questions.
Where was she? What the hell happened? Why did she keep – whatever it is – from me? Why couldn't I be there for her? Bailey's Interns-Residents have a secret language that Derek knows? A secret hiding place? What does Cristina need from me? What can I do for her?
As worried thoughts and questions continued to plague Owen's head, wavy blond hair moved past his window and pulled Owen back from his trance.
"Meredith?"
Meredith was clearly rushing somewhere, and it seemed like if it was anybody else she wouldn't have stopped.
Turning around, she said, "I know you're worried about Cristina."
Owen crossed his arms, accusing Meredith with his slit eyes. "I thought you were with her…watching her."
Meredith took a deep breath. "Yeah, I was, but then Alex had to go back to his room and I was paged but she seemed a little better -"
"Where is she now?"
Meredith hesitated. "Lexie told me where she was, I have to go to her before things get worse."
Owen looked at her with concern; she acknowledged it before she began to rush off.
"Can I go to her?" He called after her. Meredith looked back at him and saw his desperation. "Please?"
"Okay," Meredith said softly.
Meredith told him where Cristina was and instructions for when he got there. Unbelieving his ears, he listened closely and memorized her instructions. He ran off after a 'thank you,' but before a 'goodbye' or 'good luck.'
Owen ran down two flights of stairs, and yanked the door open so hard that he was unready for the chills that went down his spine.
"And I feel like I just got home
And I feel
And I feel like I just got home
And I feel
Quicker than a ray of light
Quicker than a ray of light
Quicker than a ray of light
Zephyr in the sky at night I wonder
Do my tears of mourning sink beneath the Sun?
She's got herself a universe gone quickly
For the call of thunder threatens everyone
And I feel-"
"Cristina."
Cristina lifted her head up from concentrating on the dead body in front of her to Owen leaning against the closed morgue's door with his arms crossed in front of him, who was already visually examining her.