There was no way. It was impossible.
No matter how I thought it through, I didn't think this was possible. And worst of all, I didn't know if it was really him or an impostor.
In that moment, I finally realized that I couldn't trust him anymore. I couldn't count on his word. I couldn't believe in him.
And that hurt me the most, you know. To find that I was incapable of trusting my best friend.
oOo
Not a single word was passed between them in more than five minutes. No "Welcome back!" No "Hey, it's me."
If he realized something was wrong, he didn't say anything. He had been dreading this moment, actually. His smile slowly melted away from his features as he took in the severity of the situation.
She didn't look at him. Instead, she just asked one simple question. "When are you leaving?"
The question took him by surprise-in a bad way. Not "Will you leave?" She was already certain of it.
"I don't know. Maybe in a few hours."
After a few long minutes of silence, she finally looked him in the eye with chips of blue ice.
"Then go. And don't come back."
Shinichi had never been an obedient little boy. His mother, father, teachers, and practically anyone who knew him could attest to that. But this time was an exception.
This time, he turned silently on his heels and exited the door of the Mouri Detective Agency, as quickly and as suddenly as he had come.
Of course, he never heard the agonized sobbing from a girl, the very girl who, moments before, had stared at him with ice-cold eyes.
Maybe if he had paused a little to admire the scenery on his walk away from the detective agency, or maybe if he had stopped to pick up a phone call, maybe-just maybe-she might have caught up to him.
But, Fate is cruel. He didn't stop.
And so when Ran brushed away her tears and ran after him, heart pounding, desperately calling his name, all she faced was a bleak, empty street, not at all unlike the street that Shinichi-as Conan-had faced in his dream: the street that seemed to have both produced and snatched away their loved ones at the same time.
oOo
What was I, stupid? What kind of foolish person brushes away someone who has gone through so much pain and regret, has waded through so many piles of lies and deceit, JUST to suddenly show up on your doorstep to brighten your day with that cock-eyed grin of his? I'll tell you who.
Me.
And it wasn't to say that I really expected him to leave. I mean, face it, Shinichi does not do what I tell him to do. "Wait for me!" I yelled to him back at Tropical Land.
Did he listen? No. Now look at what he's gotten himself into.
Shinichi's mother had always told me to forgive her "dear little Shin-chan" for not listening to me, and that he was only trying to prove his independence, blah blah blah.
Surprise, surprise. The one time when I actually don't want him to listen to me, he does.
Have you ever heard that saying that goes, "When she tells you to leave, she really wants you to stay?" That's what I wanted him to do. Stay.
Now that I think about it, that was not so smart of me. I mean, what was he supposed to say? "Ran, I'm very sorry, but I must stay here with you. It would break my poor heart into shreds if I took one step outside of this door. So please, do not ask me to leave."
Sure. Suuuuure. Like he would say that.
I was being selfish, on my part, that I can say.
I don't know why people like Sonoko always think that I'm so brave and kind and wonderful, because I'm not. I have my weaknesses. I have my selfish times. It's just that...that no one but me recognizes them.
Because I'm not strong. I'm not patient. I'm not caring.
It was partly because of the adrenaline coursing through my veins, partly because of all my muscles screaming at me, "Run after him!", and partly because of this sudden revelation that no one was perfect.
And no one gets a third chance.
I was faintly aware of tears gushing down my cheeks as I hastily (and desperately) wiped them away. I am not that weak, I told myself. I am not weak.
Strange. Just moments ago I had admitted to myself that I was weak. But the human mind works in weird ways, I guess.
There is one thing that I must say: Shinichi is brilliant when it comes to Holmes and all that mystery stuff, but he is clueless when it comes to other types of deductions. I mean, he can deduce why the murderer killed someone and how, and he can rattle off all sorts of random facts that you never really wanted to know about Holmes (There is a reason I call him a detective otaku), but...
He's clueless when it comes to reasoning about my feelings.
There. I've said it. Happy?
I think I've always known, though. That he was special. That he would, or I hoped he would, become more than a friend.
I don't think I really want to know if he feels the same about me. Either way, I'm going to be upset. If he doesn't, well, that's a no-brainer; my world will come crashing down and shattering into a million pieces. If he does, then I'm going to be sadder.
Because who wants to be separated from someone they love and who loves them back?
So I hope he doesn't. And I hope he does. Is that too much to ask for?
oOo
I was in Kudo-kun's house, searching for...I don't know. My feet just led me here, and I let them. As soon as he entered the room-in his 17-year-old form-I knew something was wrong.
Something had happened.
I was almost tempted to tell him, "I told you so!" and go on and on about how he shouldn't have taken the temporary antidote. But I didn't.
Why I didn't, I cannot say.
He didn't even notice me; he just went into his old room and shut the door. I heard the click of the lock as he turned the knob. Somehow, I knew that he wasn't coming out in a long time.
If there was any way to ease the pain, I would try. Just because my life wasn't happy doesn't mean that I have to make others' miserable. And so I racked my brain for some kind of clue. Some kind of clue so significant that it would make Kudo-kun come out of that locked room. Some kind of clue that would make him begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel again.
For the first time in months, I dove back into the bittersweet memories that I shared with my sister; the scarce moments where I could lose myself in the sweetness of forgetting all my worries. Where I could forget my dark past and what they were forcing me to do. Where I could forget all the heartache and sadness I had caused. Where I was free to be me.
The clue didn't come to me like most ideas had, like a bright new lightbulb coming out of the middle of nowhere to provide me with the newest ideas for my project. Instead, it was as if the clue had been there all along; just a path in the many crossroads of my the forest of my life to walk along and discover.
She didn't outright mention it. I recalled her saying, "I came here as soon as I can, Shiho! It's not my fault that that bar is so far from here." I didn't question her at the time, nor did I think about the fact that she came from the Organization's leaders with a new mission.
It was simple. If it were Kudo-kun, he would've said something along the lines of, "You can't even figure out something so elementary?"
Sort of like his idol, Holmes, always said to Watson.
But then again, I am nowhere near as precious to him as Watson is to Holmes. For all I know, I'm just a tool that he needs; something to get him back to the person he really cares about.
Then there are times when that theory is proved wrong; when he tries to save me; when he does something so out of the ordinary-and so nice-that I simply have to stop and marvel at the kindness of his heart.
In a way, he's pretty similar to her. That girl who's always on his mind.
They're both trusting; with the exception that Kudo-kun's trust has been dilated by too many betrayals, too many murder cases, too many exposures to the harsh and cruel reality of the real world. Because no one is going to care that much for you here. It's sad, but true: Most humans are selfish.
In fact, all humans are selfish. It just depends on to what extent they are selfish. Some people, like that girl at the Detective Agency, are not very selfish. Some, like me, are very selfish.
And some, like my sister, were so unselfish that they risked their lives to save selfish people and were never heard from again.
But now isn't the time to go trekking off into Memory Land.
That dark, forbidden place I was thinking about? It was another piece to the puzzle that Kudo-kun was trying so valiantly to put together; a jigsaw puzzle with as many pieces as there are grains of sand on the beach.
I couldn't be sure that They were really there. It could be a false clue. It could be a trap. It could be the straw that broke Kudo-kun's back. And as much sarcastic remarks that I told him each day, I did not want Kudo-kun to collapse.
You seem surprised that I care. Here's a clue: Don't be. I'm not like that bastard Gin who only cares about pleasing Anokata day in and day out. He probably even dreams of new missions that will promote his status in the Organization at night.
All this ran through my head in less that a second, and before I knew it, I was at the door; the very same door that Kudo-kun had disappeared into a little more that 30 minutes ago.
"Kudo-kun?" I knocked at the door.
Silence.
"I have something to tell you."
More silence. I began to wonder if he secretly snuck out of the window of the room.
"It's about Them."
I smiled as I heard him unlock the door.
oOo
Change of Setting: Neyagawa City, Osaka
It wasn't that bad, right? He couldn't have hurt her that bad, right? He was just trying to help, right? He's going crazy, right?
Right.
Hattori sighed as he wiped the blood away from his fist. It stung. "If I don't get this treated soon, who knows what will happen to me," he muttered, half to himself and half to no one in particular.
There was only one thing to do. He took a deep breath and stepped up to Kazuha's door and almost knocked.
It was a familiar gesture, really. Heiji suddenly remembered all the countless times he had knocked on her door, whether it be to help her on a homework assignment, just for fun, or to comfort her when she was feeling down.
And yes, of course, there were the times when he stepped up to say sorry to her for some stupid thing that he had blurted out of his big mouth (Must. Learn. To. Control. Self!). Like today.
The only problem was, unlike all their earlier disagreements, he wasn't sure how to apologize. I mean, sure, he knew that insulting her appearance wasn't the best thing to do, and certainly not very intelligent, but what was he going to do? Suddenly pour into a detailed account of Kudo and his "small problem?"
Sure. He would say, "Oh, Kazuha, I'm sorry. I only said that because there's this huge evil organization who's out to destroy Kudo and anyone who helps him. And by the way, your boss is a member of that organization. So really, it's all your fault for signing up for the dumb model thing. Yep, just an aho-y action as usual."
She would probably just stare at him, say "Very funny. Nice one!", and slam the door in his face. Which was definitely not a good thing.
Change to Plan B: Make huge puppy eyes and suck up to her. Say, "Kazuha. I am so sorry for causing you all this heartbreak and tears. Please don't cry. Your happiness is my only reason for living. I am such an aho. Will you please do the honor of accepting my apology and becoming my friend?"
Yeah, right. He wasn't good at puppy eyes, anyway. She was good at them. Whenever she did puppy eyes, he just wanted to give up and give in.
Time for Plan C: Surprise her with a gift. Go to store and buy those $20 bouquets of roses...nah, she wouldn't appreciate them anyway. Kazuha didn't like expensive things. No brand names for her!
In a way, that was good, but it was also bad. The girl was so selfless that she never really told Heiji what she wanted, or what she really liked, unlike that Sonoko girl was always telling that dark-skinned karate boyfriend of hers...was his name Makoto?
Heiji ran a hand through his hair in frustration and abandoned Plan C.
He took a deep breath and knocked at Kazuha's door. Light, quick footsteps reverbrated through the floor. Heiji knew without looking that it was her. He held his breath as she unlocked the door.
Kazuha's face was flushed, and there was a pencil tucked behind one ear. Heiji had a sudden urge to reach out and tuck back the stray hairs that were threatening to erupt from her ponytail.
For a moment, she stared right through him without seeing anything. When she finally looked up, her eyes were cold and expressionless.
"What?" she asked flatly.
Heiji was shocked. This was Kazuha? She would never be so...so mean to him. He was her best friend, right? They had shared numerous memories together.
He felt a sudden twinge in his heart, and it saddened him. He wasn't her friend anymore. He began thinking of all the things that he had yet to show her, all the experiences that they had yet to share...
Kazuha was becoming impatient. She began to shut to door, and Heiji panicked.
"Um..." he looked down at his shoes and began fiddling with the side of his jacket. Heiji dared to sneak a peek at Kazuha, whose expression had changed from unfriendliness to boredom.
Kazuha crossed her arms across her chest. "If you don't have anything to say, I'd like to shut the door and get started on my homework." She paused and looked him directly in the eyes, and the bitterness was back. "Alone."
Hattori knew that he had to say something, or she would shut the door and forget all about him...which was definitely not a good thing. "Look, I'm sorry!" he finally managed. "I didn't mean that."
Kazuha raised an eyebrow and looked faintly amused. If she was acting, she was doing a pretty good job at it. "Your apology is noted. Acceptance is pending."
And with those wonderful parting words, she slammed the door in his face.
Hattori sighed. It was going to be a long day.
oOo
AN: Going to sleep. Too tired. Bye!