As soon as four more bags were loaded into the trunk (Adam had finally caved, and snuck back into his house with Drew while their mother was sleeping on the couch), Eli was driving aimlessly down the road near the highway. He still had no clue where they were going, why they were going, or how the quartet smushed together awkwardly in the backseat actually got themselves invited. The girl who could answer all of these questions was refusing to spill and was instead staring out the window, drifting down to look at a folded piece of paper down in her lap every now and then.
Before Eli could ask what it was, Adam beat him to the punch. He reached over Alli's lap and snatched the piece of paper up. "Hey!" Clare protested, twisting in her seat to try and grab it back from him. But Adam only smirked and unfolded it, his eyes going back and forth as he read the words. His eyes lost their mischevious sparkle and Eli could see Alli lean over and read it too, her cheeks paling. Now he was really curious. Whose brilliant idea was it for him to drive? Oh, right. Him.
"What's going on?" He asked casually and he met Adam's eyes in the rearview mirror. Clare took this moment of vulnerability and snatched the paper back from Adam, her cheeks a fiery red. Eli got a small glimpse of a numbered list before she hid it from his sight again. Fiona and Drew remained quiet, as much as in the dark as Eli was. Eli reached a hand over and smiled at Clare, hoping he could charm her with a single look. She stared back at him. "It's just a list," she muttered, holding it protectively to her chest.
"Let me see," he laughed and she sighed before handing it to him. Things To Do Before I Die. Die. Death. Julia, sprawled on the pavement, her bike wheels still spinning in the grass. He swallowed and Clare shouted as he lost grip of the wheel, almost swerving into the other lane. She grasped the wheel and made him straighten out before she finally let go. He couldn't breathe. Why was Clare writing these types of lists? They were meant for when you were older, when time was running out. He couldn't look at her, couldn't look at anybody. He could feel her hand clasping over his and he couldn't take it. Switching his blinker on, he pulled into the grass and roughly shut off the car. The car was silent as he unbuckled his seatbelt, climbed out of the car, and slammed the door behind him.
The sun was slowly rising. If this had been a different moment, he would've taken a moment to appreciate this type of beauty. But now all he could feel was anger, rising panic, looming fear swelling up in his chest. He walked blindly, not knowing where he was going. His vision was getting blurry and Eli realized he was about to cry, and that made him stop in his tracks and take a few rising breaths. That was when he realized Clare was behind him.
Her hand grasped his shoulder and she turned him around, his face burying itself in her neck. She smelled like the usual scent of flowers and cinnamon, and he took in a shuddering gasp. He had to get himself together. When he felt like he wouldn't blubber all over her, Eli pulled himself back from Clare and found himself staring into her own shining eyes. "What's going on?" He managed to get out, his heart pounding. He hoped he was overreacting. That she was just thinking morbidly (he had had a bad influence on her), and then he'd apologize to everyone and they'd joke about Eli's "freakout" the whole roadtrip. But she wasn't smiling and she said the words that would haunt him forever.
"I have cancer."
Eli stared at her, willing himself to think that he had just imagined Clare saying those words. Because Clare could not have cancer. She was too pure, too beautiful, too good to have this poisonous disease infiltrating her veins. He laid his fingertips on her skin, tracing the softness and he shook his head. "No." His voice was steady and she moved further into him, her lips pressing softly into his neck. "No," he repeated. "You're fine. There must've been a mistake. You look fine." Her auburn curls blew in the wind and he reached forward to tug at a curl, to prove his point, when he saw the small wisps of hair that laid on his fingertips. He swallowed.
"I have to do this, Eli," she whispered and he could finally see what he had been avoiding for months. Her skin was pale. Her hair was thinner, it was shorter. She was losing weight, her sweatshirt hung around her figure. She was beautiful, but she was slowly disappearing. He didn't know how to react to this. But she was begging him to do something for her and he couldn't resist.
"How long have you known?" He asked, and she bit her lip. "A year."
Eli took a step backwards, feeling hurt. "A year? A fucking year, Clare?" She winced at his language but didn't reproach him because she knew he was angry, and he had every right to be. She nodded. "I'm sorry, I thought I'd get better. I thought I'd get in remission, I thought God would make everything all right."
God. God was never there for Eli, why would he start now? For a few minutes the two of them stood in silence. Eli could see Alli, Fiona, Adam, and Drew staring at them across the way and then he turned to Clare, his hand outstretched. "Let me see the list." Clare handed it to him and his eyes scanned the list, his face becoming tighter and tighter each time he went down. The first spot was Washington, only a few hours away from where they were. "Seattle, huh?" 1. Ride on a horse carriage around Seattle before dinner at the Space Needle.
He wasn't happy. Not at all. But they had come this far - and he had three more months with Clare. It twisted his gut to admit that, but he was going to make these three months the best he'd ever have.