Chapter Thirteen
"Come in, gentleman," Dodo called. Alice didn't think her heart could race any faster, but then twin nightmares came through the door. Doctors Dum and Dee were still dressed in their matching leather jumpsuits, though the outfits did look a bit worse for wear.
"No," Alice breathed. She remembered – vividly – the room without a floor. And Hatter, covered in bruises and burns.
"Quite fortunate, isn't it, that the good Doctors survived the collapse of the Casino." Dodo smiled at her, and it was very predatory. "They freelance now, and I paid a pretty penny for them to be here today."
"Don't do this," Alice begged. "Please."
"Hatter won't survive losing you," Dodo said. His voice was almost gleeful, and it turned Alice's stomach.
"Please."
"Don't kill her yet," he instructed the Doctors.
"We didn't get to finish our fun last time," one of them said.
"Contrariwise, she didn't experience the full range of our skills," the other replied. He produced a large black bag from behind his back and set it on one of the tables. Alice looked at it fearfully.
"Are you pondering what I'm pondering?" one brother asked the other.
"How Oyster Tea would affect an Oyster."
"Just so. Let's see what we have here." The Doctor with the bag opened it up and dug around inside. There was much clanking and clinking, and he pulled out a bottle of Tea that was very pale blue in color.
"What is that?" Alice asked. She looked at the door, willing Hatter to come through it and rescue her, just like last time.
"Just a little Sorrow."
Alice clamped her lips together. The Doctors chuckled.
"I know what you're thinking and it isn't so."
"Drinking Tea is only one way. We have others." And the Doctor holding the bottle of Tea reached back in the black bag and pulled out a syringe. Alice's eyes went wide and her skin flushed with fear, tingling up and down her spine like an electric current. She renewed her efforts against her bonds, but it was useless. The Doctors advanced on her with bottle and syringe and there was no way she could stop them.
One Doctor filled the syringe full of the blue liquid, then handed it to his brother. The sharp point of the needle was pressed against the tender skin on the inside of her arm, just below her elbow.
"What is the worst thing you can imagine?" one of the Doctors asked, his voice soft and calm. "What is the one thing lost that you can't live without?"
Alice closed her eyes, and felt the needle slide into her skin, felt the burn of the Sorrow being released into her system. Her whole arm was on fire with it, and she gritted her teeth against the pain. Unbidden, an image came to mind of Hatter on the rooftop back home, standing so perilously close to the edge. She'd stopped him in time.
But what if you hadn't?
The thought wasn't hers but, once there, wouldn't leave. And now Alice could see Hatter take that one last step. He dropped off the side of the roof and she ran there, ran to look over the side, and there he was on the street. Broken. Bloodied. Dead.
Alice wept. Sorrow and guilt swamped her. Hatter had died to keep her safe, safe from himself. How could she live without him? Without seeing that bright smile every day?
Shall we try some Self-Loathing?
There was more pain now and Alice writhed with it. But the chair wouldn't let her go. And now her sorrow was like an ache through her chest. She could feel that her face was wet with tears, but all she could see was Hatter's broken body behind her eyes.
He hadn't loved her enough to stay with her. He'd chosen death over her. And she couldn't blame him. What did she have to offer any man, besides suspicion and anger? Her own father hadn't loved her enough to come back, to even recognize her when he saw her.
"Hatter!" she cried, sobbing.
Perhaps a dash of Madness. Just to see.
Alice screamed. And screamed. It felt like a hot poker had been shoved into her arm at the elbow. She pulled and tugged, but her wrists only got bloodied for her efforts. The Madness settled on her like a damp blanket, suffocating her.
She saw Hatter lying on the ground in the clearing after the Casino fell, his shirt open and wounds glaring. A tiny rocking horse with wings landed on his chest and just rocked there. Alice watched it. It was the only thing moving, because Hatter wasn't breathing anymore.
She saw Hatter sitting on the bed, holding her wrist in his hand. And shattering it with one squeeze. Alice felt it, the pain hot and white up her arm. She saw the madness in Hatter's eyes, saw herself reflected there.
"Hatter…" she choked out, her throat raw from screams.
That's a volatile cocktail.
We must remember it for next time.
Perhaps a drop more?
Alice opened her mouth, but the screams were too large to come out this time. She saw herself out on the ledge, Hatter walking away and leaving her there, clinging to the ladder. And now the ledge was crumbling under her feet.
"Please…help me…"
More and more of the ledge crumbled away until she was left hanging from the ladder with nothing under her feet but open space. There was no-one to help her, no-one to offer a hand when her own became slippery with sweat on the rungs and started to slip.
You're all alone. Why are you alone?
"No-one loves me."
Why?
"I don't know."
Yes you do.
"I push them away. I'm not good enough."
Shall we untie her?
Yes. Let's see what she does.
Bit by bit, the ladder started to fade away, replaced by a room. But it was a funhouse room, all wrong angles and grotesque shadows. Something was keeping her in a chair, and then it wasn't. She scrambled away from it, scuttled into a corner to feel the walls pressing safely on her. Her feet were bare. Two men, misshapen and terrible, loomed over her. She put her hands over her ears and pressed herself further into the corner.
Are you afraid?
"Yes…" Alice moaned. She shut her eyes, closed them against the encroaching darkness, which she was certain was full of slithy toves. She felt something brush against her leg and pulled them both up to her chest.
What do you see?
"Nothing. But I feel them. I can hear them…chittering at me." Something moved over her bare arm and she slapped at it, tried to push it off. Something else was in her hair and she screamed and tried to get rid of it.
She's scratched her pretty face.
"This isn't real. This isn't real. Wonderland isn't real."
Then your Hatter wouldn't be real. That's logic.
"Hatter!" Alice cried brokenly. Was that right? If there was no Wonderland, there could be no Hatter. No-one to love her, unconditionally. No-one to save her from these horrible thoughts and visions.
Let us leave, shall we?
Yes. See how long the effects last.
Alice heard the sound of the door opening and shutting again. She heard the slithering toves all around her, waiting for her to let her guard down. Time had no meaning for her – it seemed at times to speed up, other times to stop altogether. She cried. She berated herself. She called for Hatter, who might only have been a dream. She couldn't breathe; there was a weight on her chest, pressing down on her, and she tried to open her eyes but they wouldn't work.
And then there was a new voice, a hateful voice, and Alice wanted to both shrink from it and attack it.
She's still dosed? Excellent. Put her on the ledge.
There were arms around her then, it felt like dozens. She was still having trouble breathing; she couldn't cry out or beg for mercy. There was wind in her face suddenly, fresh air, and she found she could open her eyes. She was on the edge of nothing, looking down into a void. Her vision swam and blackened around the edges.
"Not down, not down," she muttered to herself. Alice shrank back against the wall, moving sideways in a pitching, drunken motion.
Leave her. They'll find her soon enough…one way or another.
"Find the man who knows. He'll help me."
Alice stumbled down the ledge, blinking her eyes in a vain effort to get things to stop moving and wavering. She put a foot too far over the edge and almost fell, but jerked back at the last minute and landed painfully on her backside.
"Tea Shop. It's there, I know it's there."
She kept moving, stepping gingerly in case the ledge moved again, away from her. The grass prickled the bottoms of her bare feet. Colors swam in front of her eyes. She heard voices, but none seemed to be speaking to her like they were before. There was a sudden pain in her chest and she dropped to all fours, panting. She stayed in that position, crawling now on the ledge with her skirt hiked up over her knees, feeling for the wall.
"Alice!"
There was her name, and something was blocking the path.
"Find the Tea Shop," she muttered. She pushed ineffectually at the obstacle in her path, which floated in and out of her vision as a man.
"Hatter, over here!"
No, that wasn't right. There was no Hatter – he was a dream. A wish her heart made that never came true. She got shakily to her feet and pushed again at the man who was keeping her from the Tea Shop. There was some yelling now, and Alice decided to go back the way she came. She'd find another path. Another ledge. But it kept moving, and buckling, and she put her foot over again.
"Alice!"
A new voice now, a frightened voice. And arms, pulling her back against the wall. She struggled against them.
"I have to get to the Tea Shop," she said desperately.
"It's me, love. It's Hatter."
"Hatter's gone," Alice said. She was only vaguely aware that she was crying. "He's dead and left me. He's a dream."
"She's been dosed. Look at her arm." That first voice again. Why did they care about her arm? Didn't they understand that if she didn't get moving she'd lose her mind?
"I have to get to the Tea Shop!" she screamed. "Please. He'll help me."
"I'll take you, Alice. I'll take you there." And it was the second voice, so afraid and sorrowful. And familiar. Why was it familiar?
And now she was able to walk again. Someone was holding her hand and leading her, and this time the ledge didn't move away from her feet. She tried to focus on the man in front of her. He seemed tall. No. Not tall. He had something on his head? A hat.
"Hatter!" Alice cried, and she fell once more to her knees. "Don't leave me. Please don't leave me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'll try harder this time, just please don't go."
And there were arms around her, comforting her. She could feel leather under her hands, and smell cinnamon and tea leaves. She knew that smell. She knew that voice murmuring in her ear. The fog in her head lifted, just a little.
"Hatter?"
"I've got you, love. I've got you, Alice." His voice broke. "I'll never let you go."
There was pain again, in her chest, a bright and stabbing pain. Alice cried out, pushed Hatter away from her. She tried to escape the pain, but it followed her back against the wall.
"Alice? What's wrong?"
Alice rubbed her hand on her chest, tried to tell him how badly it hurt. But she had no breath to speak with. Blackness danced around the edges of her blurry vision. She struggled to take a breath.
"…hurts…"
And then everything was fading away – the sounds of voices, the lights behind her eyes, the panic dancing under her skin. Hatter faded, like the dream he was. The pain was the last to go and Alice slipped away, relieved.
*o*o*o*
Alice's dreams were sorrowful. She kept looking for Hatter, but she couldn't find him. He wasn't in their apartment, or at the hat shop. She even went to the roof, but he wasn't there either. And then she was in the Tea Shop, but Hatter wasn't there. All she could find was his brown porkpie hat, left in the middle of his desk.
"Hatter…" Alice picked up the hat, turned it over and over in her hands. Where was he? She turned around, and found herself in the Great Library. Dodo had his gun out and Hatter grabbed it.
"No! Hatter!" Dodo fired and Hatter flew across the room. Alice ran to his side. This time there was no body armor, just a lot of blood; it soaked through his paisley shirt and bubbled up from his lips. He tried to speak, but nothing came out.
"Oh, God! Please, not Hatter! Not my Hatter!" Alice pressed her hands to the bullet wound, tried to stop the bleeding, but it was useless. He was dying right in front of her. She closed her eyes against the sudden flood of tears, and when she opened them again she was alone. There was nothing under her hands, which were covered in Hatter's blood.
Alice…Alice…
Alice tilted her head, listening. Someone was calling her name. She got up and wandered out of Dodo's office, absently rubbing her bloody hands on her blue dress. The red carpeted hallway was empty. She peered over the railing and saw there was no-one amid the books.
Alice…
The voice was getting louder. It was…was it Hatter's voice? It sounded like him, and not at the same time. Had Hatter ever sounded that despondent? She wanted to go to him and wrap her arms around him. But where was he?
"Hatter? Where are you?"
Alice…my Alice…
Alice moved on down the hall, and then she was back to the bus. She climbed on, looking for Hatter, but he wasn't there either. Maybe…maybe if she went up she'd find him. She pressed the blue button and the bus shot upward far faster than it had the last time. Alice was thrown painfully to the floor.
She screamed as the walls sped past the bus window, faster and faster, until there was just a constant blur. Alice felt like she was going to be sick. It was too fast. Where was Hatter? He was the only one who could help her.
"Hatter! Please!"
ALICE!
The bus rushed into darkness and suddenly stopped. Alice couldn't see anything. She tried to move her arms, but they were stuck at her sides. She was lying on something soft, and somewhere nearby a machine was beeping. But the sound that filled her ears was sobbing. Someone was crying as if their heart was broken. She thought it might have been her own crying, but she couldn't be sure.
Alice tried to talk, but couldn't seem to get everything working together. Her lips felt numb. The sound of crying started to fade, and now she was fairly sure it wasn't her. She focused all her energy on her mouth and throat, willing herself to speak.
"Hatter?" she whispered. She could sense him, feel him near her. Or was it just another dream?
"I'm here, love." And his hand was on her head, his thumb lightly rubbing her forehead. And it felt so real.
"Is this a dream?" she asked softly. "Are you really here?"
"I'm here, Alice. I'm real."
Oh, and her body was one big ache. A throbbing, aching mass. Except where Hatter touched her. She wished he'd move his hand, touch her everywhere and take the pain away.
"I can't see you," she said.
"Open your eyes, Alice."
Oh. With another great force of will, Alice managed to do just that. Everything was blurry for a moment, and then Hatter's tear-streaked face snapped into sharp relief. And he looked so real, so blessedly real. Alice tried to touch his face, but her arms still wouldn't move.
"It's alright, love. I'll get it." Hatter unbuckled her hand from a padded restraint. Her wrist was wrapped in gauze and he kissed it, gently. "They had to tie you down. You pulled out your IV."
"Are you real?" Alice asked again. She reached out and touched Hatter's face. He felt real. There was stubble and tears under her fingertips. "Hatter…"
And it was Alice's turn to cry, great wracking sobs that made everything ache worse than it already did. Hatter got up on the bed with her, unbuckled her other wrist, and pulled her in his arms. She pressed herself against him, and felt the pain in her skin start to recede. She could feel Hatter trembling against her and knew he had been afraid. Alice hated Dodo all the more for it.
"I couldn't find you," Hatter said against her hair. "And then you were there, almost walking…off the ledge…and I…"
"Shhh," Alice whispered, wanting to give comfort as much as receive it. "I'm okay now."
Her memories were disjointed, but she could recall bits and pieces of what happened to her after the Doctors started injecting her with Tea. She remembered that mad, muffled feeling in her head, and her certainty that Hatter was dead, or a dream. But that wasn't right either; she remembered trying to get to the Tea Shop.
"I was looking for you," she said. "I remember I was looking for you."
"Tell me who did this to you." Though Hatter had whispered it, Alice could hear the sharp edge to his voice.
She almost told him. But then she thought of how much Dodo hated him, how badly he wanted Hatter to suffer. And she couldn't do it. If Dodo and the Doctors got their hands on Hatter, they wouldn't leave him stumbling on a ledge; they'd kill him, after they tortured him. She wouldn't be responsible for that.
"No. You're not going after them. I'm not losing you. I can't… please. Please stay with me." Alice burrowed closer to Hatter. She could still feel his blood on her hands, even though it hadn't been real.
"I'm not going anywhere," Hatter assured her. He stroked her hair and rubbed her back, and under his hands Alice began to feel herself again.
AN: Yikes! Dodo and the Doctors sure put Alice through the wringer. There's an unholy alliance for you. And I guess we all know what's on Hatter's mind right now – revenge! Will Alice tell him what he wants to know? Will Dodo finally get his butt kicked properly? Stay tuned, faithful readers!