CHAPTER THREE

The Doctor tossed and turned from his spot on the sofa in Sarah's attic. It had been a month since the TARDIS deposited him near her house. She'd been home with him most of that time, except for working on the occasional story during the day, but now she was away for a few days research. In reality it was an encounter with a species called the Tellians. After thinking about going with her, he decided to stay put, perhaps secretly hoping the TARDIS would let him in at some point. He'd filled his time by tinkering in her attic with the various bits of machinery. He'd even managed to stop his own small alien invasion, making it feel a bit like old times, just confined to Earth.

Although he missed running to the TARDIS any time he chose, the predictability of just existing day to day was still a novelty. Not like during his exile so many years ago. Especially different since he was with Sarah, which absently made him wonder what his exile would've been like if he'd known her then.

Today, he acutely felt her absence, more so than he would've thought. When she was nearby, even if she wasn't in the same room, the nightmares maintained at bay, but with her gone, they'd begun to rage again.

Unfortunately, the nightmares were not works of fiction made up by his tired brain, but instead flashes of memory. Sarah had only been gone three days, but in that time, he hadn't had anything remotely considered restful sleep. He sat up as one particular memory bothered him more than the others.

...

Standing in the President's office, the Doctor looked out over the Mountains of Solace and Solitude. He absently ran a hand through his long brown curls, then across the sleeves of his velvet jacket. He smiled sadly at the silver glint that reflected back at him. 'Do you miss it at all?' the voice from behind him brought him quickly back to the present and his reasons for standing here. He turned around and looked at the President and sighed, but said nothing.

She knew his sigh very well. 'We have a problem, Doctor.'

'You mean other than the massive amount of Dalek ships attacking us on all fronts?'

'Yes, besides that.' Romana sat down behind her desk. He couldn't help but note her formal posture. He waited for her to speak. 'Your imprint,' she finally said.

'What about it?' he finally said defensively, slowly approaching the desk.

'She's human.'

'Now you're just pointing out the obvious. You've known that for centuries, way back to when we were travelling together.'

'Yes, well, I tried to ignore it back then.' Romana paused. 'The time has come that you need to be break it, Doctor. The imprint cannot exist.'

'No,' he shook his head.

'Doctor,' she started, watching him pace around the room and look at everything but her.

'No, I won't do that to her, or to me!' He slammed his fist against her desk and leaned over it, towering over Romana. 'We've managed to stay linked all this time, despite being separated and ridiculed by the Time Lords ever since they found out. I'm not going to break it now just because you said so.'

Romana folded her hands and rested them on the desk in front of her, keeping her formal composure. 'Doctor, sit down, please.'

The Doctor looked at the expression on Romana's face and saw only kindness reflected there. Not what he expected at all. She'd thumbed her nose down at him so many times over the years about this very topic. There was an almost sadness in her eyes that finally caused him to sit down.

Romana sighed. 'Doctor, I know you care for your human. It was perfectly obvious back then, and it still is now. I'm not asking you to break the imprint because she's human or because it's totally unacceptable to the High Council at this point, although both are valid reasons for breaking it.' She paused and took a deep breath. 'We could force a break, but that would be more painful than is necessary. For both of you.'

'Then why?' the Doctor asked.

'The Daleks are tracking all the imprints and using them against us. Given your history, you're high on their list. Apparently they've discovered that you imprinted a human. We have enough problems without the Daleks deciding they need to bring another planet into the war just to get to you.'

'I find it difficult to believe that in the middle of a war that you're trying to spare Earth.' He crossed his arms, his statement obviously bitter.

'I'm President of the High Council of the Time Lords! I'm trying to spare every planet and every star system in the Universe and across all of time!' she yelled, then stopped. 'I'm sorry.' She took a deep breath. 'Doctor, your services are desperately needed now. I cannot have you distracted or allow anything that could possibly be used as a weapon against you. The High Council has recommended that all Time Lords break their imprints for that very reason. You're the only one that has a cross-species imprint. I don't know what the ramifications would be for either you or her if you don't break it.'

The Doctor set his face in stone. 'I won't have her put in danger or allow the Daleks to use her.' His head dropped. 'Very well.' He took a long breath, feeling the emotions raging just beneath the surface. 'I'll do what has to be done on one condition.'

'We don't have time for conditions, Doctor.'

'I don't care. I do it in person. I have to know when it happens.'

Romana shook her head sadly, 'You can't. There isn't time, Doctor. If you survive the war, you're welcome to determine the timing and re-establish it or whatever you choose to do at that point, but you can't leave right now. You're needed here.'

'But I won't know where in her time stream the break occurs!'

'And neither will the Daleks, which makes it safer for you both. Be reasonable Doctor, you know this is what you have to do.'

He stood and without another word, left Romana's office, slamming the door as he exited. He could go to Earth, do what he had to do and be back before anyone noticed. It wasn't like him to abide by the rules before. But these were different times and different circumstances. This time, he realised that Romana was right. The best way to protect Sarah was to keep her isolated from the echoes that their bond would invariably cause. As he walked through the Capitol, he didn't acknowledge anyone and no one seemed to pay him any notice. He walked into his assigned quarters and closed the door, leaning back against it heavily. 'Oh, Sarah, I am so sorry,' he said as a tear escaped his eyes.

...

Sarah walked in the front door with a yawn. Her "research" for her story had not gone as well as she'd hoped and she'd spent the better part of the last 36 hours just trying to stay alive and then awake long enough to get home. What she wanted most was a long hot bath and sleep. 'Doctor?' she called out, but got no response.

Something unsettled her, so she went into the kitchen quickly and looked out the window and was surprisingly not reassured by the TARDIS still sitting quietly there. As she began heading upstairs, the uneasiness solidified itself in the pit of her stomach, and the closer she got to the attic, the worse it got.

Sarah started sprinting up the last few stairs, threw open the door and quickly scanned the attic, finally seeing the Doctor curled up in a ball in the corner. He was whimpering something and as she rushed over to his side, she could finally hear that it was her name over and over, coming in waves of sorrow.

She knelt down next to him. 'Doctor! Doctor, it's me, Sarah. I'm right here. Shhhh, it's all right.' She ran a hand soothingly along his back. 'Hey, Doctor, it's fine, nothing is going to happen. I'm here.' She felt his body stiffen at first touch, but then relax as she continued to talk softly.

He finally began to uncurl and look up at her. 'Sarah Jane?'

She reached out and took his face in her hands. 'I'm right here, Doctor.'

His arms flew around her, knocking her off balance, pulling her down to the floor towards him. She turned in his arms to not be in such an awkward position. As he held her, she closed her eyes and picked up enough of an echo to know which memory he was reliving.

She wrapped her arms around him and he buried his head in her shoulder. 'Oh Doctor, I'm sorry.'

His muffled voice said, 'You were gone, Sarah. I couldn't stop it. They made me break our imprint. I was alone.'

'It's all right, I'm here now. I won't leave you.'

He sobbed again. 'I can't do this alone.'

'You don't have to. I'm not going anywhere.' She continued to hold him tightly as she looked around the room. She called out to her supercomputer. 'Mr. Smith, I need you.'

With all appropriate fanfare, the Xylok slid out of the wall. 'Yes, Sarah Jane.'

'How long has he been like this?'

'I do not know, Sarah Jane. The Doctor put me into standby mode when you left.'

'All right, thank you Mr. Smith.'

'I apologise that I could not be of any further assistance.'

Sarah turned back to the Doctor. 'Come on, Doctor, let's get up off the floor, all right?' He nodded wordlessly, so they both stood up slowly, Sarah being very careful to keep her arms around him protectively. She guided him over to the nearby sofa and pulled him down to sit next to her.

She could see the pain in his eyes as he continued to watch her. Suddenly, he leaned over and wrapped both arms around her waist tightly, burying his head against her stomach, his breath coming in uneven desperate gasps. She instinctively began to rub one hand along his back as she wrapped her other arm around his shoulders, holding him tightly to her. She rested her cheek against the back of his shoulder as she began to rock him like she would a distraught child. A few minutes later, the Doctor shifted and put his head against her chest, his ear over her heart. 'Doctor?' she asked softly.

He said nothing, but as she continued to cradle him, she noticed his breathing begin to regulate and the tension ebb away from his body. Sarah lost track of time as she continued to silently hold him.

~!~!~!~

Sarah stood in front of Mr. Smith's view screen and massaged the crick in her neck as she looked up at Liz on the other end of their video connection.

'Good grief, Sarah Jane, you look exhausted.'

'I haven't slept in almost 48 hours. When I got home last night…' she dropped off and ran a hand over her eyes. 'Liz, he was curled up in the corner practically incoherent and…broken. It's the only word I know to use.'

'I'm so sorry, Sarah Jane.'

Sarah shrugged. 'It's not been an easy few weeks, Liz. He's got the worst case of post-traumatic stress that I've ever seen, and I've seen some rough things in my time.'

Liz nodded. 'I know what you mean. I've seen many of Alistair's men suffer after some of their entanglements.'

Sarah reached up and wiped her eyes, wiping away a tear that tried to form as she said, 'I don't know what else to do, I don't know what else I can do. This is not the Doctor as I ever knew him and I don't know how to help.'

'You are helping, Sarah Jane. You're providing a stable influence for him.'

'Since when has stability ever been anything we associated with the Doctor?' Sarah sighed. 'I expect him to come in any morning and announce that the TARDIS has decided to let him back in and that he's leaving.'

'How does that make you feel?' Liz asked, a knowing expression on her face.

'I don't know. Part of me knows it's inevitable. Travelling is who he is, it's what he does. It's just now I'm not so sure.'

'That wasn't what I asked, Sarah Jane. What about you?' Liz raised an eyebrow. 'Sarah Jane, you and I have known each other a long time. Be honest with me, and with yourself. Certainly there's a part of you that wants something more?'

'I can't even think about that right now.'

Liz frowned. 'Sarah Jane, when are you not thinking?'

'You know, it's odd, being around him this much now. All that time together, then Aberdeen, then nothing until Hong Kong, then nothing again till Deffry Vale. He's not the same as when we travelled together, but the way he is right now, when he's not an absolute wreck…' she paused, thinking about it for a moment. 'Well, I suppose I could get very used to him being here.' She looked up at the view screen, then paced around the room. 'I can't get used to it. It's not him, or at least not who he used to be. It won't last.'

'Says who? You said yourself he isn't the same.' Liz smiled. 'Who knows, Sarah Jane, this may be the one thing that finally settles the Doctor.'

Sarah laughed. 'That'll be the day.'

Liz shrugged, 'I don't know, you weren't even gone three days and he'd fallen apart by the time you got back. I don't think he's going anywhere anytime soon, even if the TARDIS does let him back in.'

'I guess only time will tell, right?'

'Sarah Jane, can I be honest with you?'

Sarah looked intently at the view screen. 'Of course.'

'You're a mess.'

'Thanks a lot, Liz,' Sarah replied sarcastically.

'No, wait, let me finish. You're emotionally involved. I can tell how much this is bothering you. You need to be careful and make sure you don't get pulled under the weight of his emotions.'

'What are you saying?'

'You're not a Time Lord, Sarah Jane. I know the emotional bond you have with him, and trust me, you need to make sure you don't get lost in all of that.'

Sarah began to pace around the attic. 'Be honest, Liz, am I crazy for all of this?'

'Sarah Jane, you and I are both independent women, but we've chosen to get involved with men who put themselves at risk. Sometimes we have to live with the consequences and they're ugly. You're strong, you're doing more than many others would. Just take care of yourself. And you can start by getting some sleep, you look like hell.'

Sarah laughed and gave her a mock salute. 'Yes ma'am!'

'Keep me up to date and let me know if you need anything, Sarah Jane.'

Sarah nodded. 'Thanks for listening, Liz. It means a lot to just have someone to talk to.'

'And right now, that's what the Doctor needs too. Good luck.'

As the video connection terminated, Sarah headed towards the attic door. Just then, the Doctor walked in carrying a mug of tea. The level of awkwardness between them was tangible. 'You can use a good strong cuppa after last night,' he said, handing it to her.

Sarah smiled, 'Yes, I was just thinking I desperately needed this. Or a nap, or both.'

He kissed her temple absently. 'I know.'

'How are you feeling this morning?'

He shrugged. 'Better.'

Sarah took a sip of her tea, then reached up and rested her free hand against his chest. 'Good, glad to hear it.' She dropped her hand, then walked over and sat down at her desk. She picked up her reading glasses and sat her mug down. The Doctor watched as she simply picked up a magazine and began to read.

He stood there watching her for a minute. When she yawned again, he took a deep breath and walked over to her. 'Sarah, you need to get some sleep.' He started to reach out and put his hands on her shoulders, but stopped short. He took a step back. 'What happened when you were away?'

She lowered her magazine and lifted her head, but didn't turn to look at him. 'It didn't go well. Somehow UNIT got wind that the Tellians were there. They came in all guns blazing as is their normal.' She took off her glasses and ran a hand over her eyes. 'It destroyed all the diplomatic progress I'd made. I barely got them away without being spotted. It required traipsing out across the moor at 3am, and hiding out there all night. Not exactly a comfortable time.'

'You were on the moor all night with the Tellians?' He watched the back of her head only nod in response. 'And then you came back here?' Again, another nod. 'I should've gone with you.'

This time she shook her head slowly. 'You said it wasn't your negotiation. You had no idea what was going to happen.'

He opened his mouth to argue, but stopped. He could see her exhaustion from the sag in her shoulders. He stepped back closer to her and this time he did put his hands on her shoulders and leaned in close to her ear. He reached around with one hand and took the magazine away from her, sitting it down on the desk. 'Don't even think of looking at this now. Get up, go downstairs, take a long hot bath or something to relax and then go to bed.' She turned just enough to glance up at him but said nothing. 'I'm serious, Sarah Jane. You can't keep going at this pace.'

'What about you?' she asked softly after a moment.

He gave her a big smile. 'I'm fine. Perfect in every way.'

She laughed. 'Tell that to someone who doesn't know you as well as I do.' She took his hand as he reached out to help her stand up. 'I am glad you're feeling better.'

He led her to the attic door. 'Now, go, rest.'

'If you need me…' she started.

He cut her off by wrapping her in a large bear hug. 'I always need you,' he whispered in her ear.

~!~!~!~