Forever Until Now

Chapter 2;; I'm Crazy

The headlights look like eyes, she thought in a daze.

I'm by myself. Alone. And I'm not used to it. I don't know if I like it. But I need time to think. I need time to calm down. I can still feel my heart pounding. It shouldn't be. It's been so long since I slapped her. I've never felt jealousy like this before. I need to remember that I'm still only young.

Plato… your eyes catch me, hold me. Your intense gaze makes my heart stop, and then skip for joy. You're tall… unbearably handsome, suave. You're perfect. I want you to be mine. No one else deserves you, certainly not Etcetera.

What could you see in her? She's in love with Tugger, for pity's sake. We all know she has no chance. It's Bomba for Tugger, but he likes to pretend it's not like that. He likes the attention. He likes us clamoring all over him. It's pathetic, really. And it's hurting Bomba.

But Etcetera…I know she's my friend. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but jealousy twists me inside, corrupts me. I'm sorry, Etcy. So sorry. And yet, I'm angry at you. It's irrational, because it isn't your fault. But this jealousy is killing me inside.

Is it that you're cute? Is it your huge, endearing eyes? Those freckles dancing across your nose? Is that what made him bend down to comfort you? What can I do to change? What can I do to be beautiful to the one tom that matters?

I think I'm good enough for him. I don't go around saying it, like Tugger, but I am an attractive queen. I'm slender, my fur is beautiful, pure white like snow. There's nothing wrong with my face either; I've been called beautiful by many, and whenever I leave the Junkyard, I feel cats staring after me.

And I have talent. No one can deny that. I can dance like nothing else. I love it, because I feel free. I feel that no one can stop me, no one can deny me what I want. I feel like I can do anything, anything I want.

So why is it that he sees nothing in me? Because there must be something…anything about me that will someday draw him in.

These thoughts, they're ripping me apart. I need to stop thinking. I need to think. What's wrong with me? Slow down…

Where am I? No one could know. I'm not safe here. Munkustrap tells me all the time that it's dangerous to wander from the Junkyard. But here I am, being rebellious. I'll most likely be killed. Stupid me.

I need to go home. But I can't go home. How do I go home? Why should I go home? They don't want me, I'm betting on it. They all know that I'm in the wrong, that Etcy did nothing to deserve my idiot behavior. I can still feel their bewildered stares, piercing me through. Trying to figure me out. I don't want them looking at me in that way at the moment. It hurts, because they simply can't understand the mess I am inside at the moment. And it hurts, because they don't trust me. They're afraid, I know it. They think I've gone crazy. Maybe I have gone crazy. Yes, I am crazy, aren't I? Why else do I ask when I could never possibly expect an answer?

"You're fine the way you are. And I understand you. We're the same, you and me."

What? Who's that? I must be crazy… now I think I have a friend in the world. I just have to close my eyes tightly and dream. In my dreams, it's okay. I can trust my dreams.

"Don't hide, Victoria."

Don't hide…? But I don't know where I am. I'm alone…except for you, whatever you are. You're probably just a part of me, aren't you?

"I'm not. I'm an entirely different being."

If you prefer it that way.

"I do, actually."

I'm lost. Everyone hates me. But at least I have an imaginary friend now…tell me, do you know the way home?

"Yes, I do. But I'm not going to tell you, Victoria, because I'm fed up with you not believing in me."

And just like that, the voice was gone. Victoria realized there had been some sort of presence with her, because she felt when it left her. Yet, she had been perfectly alone. Just what sort of being could do that?

But now it was gone. It could've helped her, but it didn't. If you'd helped me, then I would've believed in you! she called out in her thoughts, but of course, there was no response. The being, whatever it had been, had left her alone. Victoria wrapped her arms around herself and made herself as small as possible, rocking back and forth.

I've just rejected my only chance of help…or rather, it got fed up with me…what did I even do wrong… Victoria scowled dejectedly. Whoever you are! Come back! Help me! But it was no use.

Yes, I've definitely gone crazy, Victoria sighed inwardly. I certainly don't feel like myself. So then…who am I?

Victoria kept walking, but she couldn't find any place that she recognized. She'd never ventured this far from the Junkyard before, and she was beginning to feel scared. She wanted the strange presence back – snarky though it had been, it had been comforting to her. She wanted her friends as well. Even though she was worried that they hated her, she had to find some way to be accepted again. She knew that she could, it was just a matter of acting herself again.

It seems so difficult, she thought. I don't want to tell them I'm crazy…so I have to be pretty, perfect Vicki again. The one that they're used to. How can I tell them I feel so…lost? So depressed? I don't even really have a reason to feel like this. Sure, I'm jealous, but…

Sullenly, Victoria plodded on, unusually inelegant. "You've really got me into trouble, Plato," she mumbled. "Come on, come on, save me already…" Of course, she didn't realize that she'd just walked straight into the middle of a street. And only when she was in dire danger did she even bother to look up.

There was something there, coming towards her at an alarming rate. Victoria froze on the spot in a foolish self-defense mechanism. It wouldn't help her, not when a car was about to hit her. The car was huge to Victoria.

The headlights look like eyes, she thought in a daze. Her mind was going blank. The headlights were glowing a sinister yellow, the number plate almost like some sort of malevolent grimace. It was a face. The face that was, at that very moment, spelling out doom for Victoria. But she was incapable of being scared. All she could do was just stand and stare into the cold eyes of death as it roared, closer, closer…

And faded away. I'm dead, aren't I. It wasn't a question. She believed the simple statement. Her eyes were shut. Should I open them? What will I see? In her mind, she envisioned a heavenly new place. What is it like to walk across the clouds? Maybe I'll find out…if I open my eyes. Take one step forward. But she was afraid. She didn't want to be dead, as much as life was scaring her. Plato…

Victoria tried to reassure herself with the thought that it hadn't been painful. It had felt like someone had gently scooped her up in careful arms and carried her away. But now, she felt like she was on the ground.

"Victoria…Victoria!" Voices? Now Victoria opened her eyes. Her friends were sprinting towards her, tears in their eyes. Jemima, Etcetera, Electra. And right beside her, so close that Victoria's heart almost stopped, was Plato. He was leaning right close to her face, his intelligent, beautiful eyes examining her. When she opened her eyes, he swiftly stepped back. But the excitement didn't fade. Her heart was deafening in her ears. Almost forgetting about her friends, she made her eyes large and appealing and opened her mouth.

"Did you…did you save me?" she whispered.

Plato looked away as he responded. "Yes…I did…"

Victoria felt confused. Why was he avoiding her eyes? Did he regret what he'd done?

"VICTORIA!" Etcetera screamed, almost flinging herself on top of her friend. "Oh Victoria, oh no, I was so worried…where have you been? Oh my god, don't do that again, Everlasting Cat no!"

Inside, Victoria felt just the tiniest bit warmer. They don't hate me…oh, thank Heaviside… "I'm sorry too, Etcy," she said humbly, feeling that some of her troubles were resolved. Especially since Plato was still right there beside her.

"You're staying in the Junkyard from now on," Jemima said, uncharacteristically stern. "Everyone's out looking for you. You've been away for ages."

"I'm sorry," Victoria murmured guiltily. "I just…needed some alone time. I'm okay now." I think.

"I'm glad," Etcetera smiled. "You're…not worried about what happened before?" she added tentatively.

"No, of course not. We're over that now, right?" Everyone nodded.

"Let's go home, Vicki," Electra suggested, tugging on Victoria's paw. She picked herself up off the ground and glanced briefly towards Plato. He was looking at her again now and smiling. Suddenly filled with hope, she smiled brilliantly back. The way his eyes glimmered made Victoria glow with joy.

"Thank you for saving me," she said shyly. "I would be dead if not for you." And then, she fluttered her eyelashes in such a subtle way she wasn't sure that anyone noticed.

"Plato? You saved her?" Jemima exclaimed, seeming surprised. Plato nodded, his eyes fixed on something in the distance. "Well, we owe you one. Thank Heaviside we didn't lose you, Victoria…"

"You're all welcome," Plato responded finally, his lips twitching into one of those smirks that made Victoria's heart leap.

It wasn't exactly cheering to return to the Junkyard and hear nothing but scolding words. Almost at once, her mother, Jellylorum, whisked her away to a place where she could privately lecture her daughter. The words her mother spoke blurred into a long, endless speech. Occasionally, she'd catch words like 'dangerous' and phrases like 'never do that!' but Victoria just tried to tune it all out. She was too busy watching Plato. He was alone – she noticed he sometimes isolated himself from his friends.

"I was worried about you, dear, you know that? So please, stay in the Junkyard!" Jellylorum caught hold of Victoria's shoulders and kissed her lightly on the forehead. "I love you, dear, remember." With that, she disappeared back into her den. Cats returning from the search filtered slowly back into the Junkyard, looking weary, but happy that Victoria was safe. A few others approached her to warn her about the dangers of the outside world.

But Victoria was suddenly all too preoccupied. Plato's gaze had caught her own, and he was grinning lazily at her. I love you I love you I love you, Victoria's thoughts babbled. She blushed, but held his intense gaze.

That was why she almost didn't notice when another cat slipped past her. Almost. But it was impossible to miss that red fur, especially when the owner of that fur was standing right in front of her and obscuring her view of Plato.

Macavity? Why had he, of all cats, stopped? Was he going to speak to her? Victoria stared uneasily at him. Usually, she didn't notice him. Though his ruffled red fur looked like it would stand out, he managed to stay unnoticed in the shadows. He wasn't making any effort to avoid the Jellicles today. With dark, inscrutable eyes, he watched her, and then with sinuous movements, stepped away. Victoria kept her eyes on him, but he somehow managed to disappear again.

What does he want? Victoria wondered, grimacing in frustration. She recalled how earlier he'd stared at her as well. It was beginning to bother her slightly; as far as she could remember, they had never even spoken, and all of a sudden, he was constantly just watching. Did he do that to everyone?

Her annoyance was only made worse by the fact that Plato had left his spot and was now casually standing with Pouncival, who was teasing Etcetera about something. He seemed all too comfortable there. Victoria forced herself to breathe evenly. She couldn't let herself get into another war within herself.

"You still look distressed, Victoria…do you need someone to talk to?" Jemima's lovely voice interrupted Victoria's calming exercises. The pretty tortoiseshell was accompanied by Misto.

"I guess…but somewhere more private," Victoria decided reluctantly. She needed to get everything off her chest and these two cats were her best friends. Without saying anything, Misto led them to an area behind the Junkyard. Technically, it was still a part of the Junkyard, but not one that the Jellicles chose to live in. It was completely silent, and the only other sign of life was an old, battered crow that cawed indignantly at the three cats.

"Here you go, private enough?" Misto smiled hopefully.

"This is great, Misto," Victoria smiled, sitting down and leaning against an old sofa. Jemima sat opposite her, and Misto leapt up onto an abandoned desk. Unfortunately for him, it was unstable, and he was sent flying as it fell to the ground with a crash. Victoria and Jemima glanced at each other just once, then both fell into giggling fits.

"Hey! It's not funny!" Misto cried indignantly as he sat up groggily. "Ugh…can you guys stop laughing?"

At once, the mood sobered again. Misto sat next to Jemima, a more sensible spot than his previous one.

"So, what's getting you down?" asked Jemima kindly. Victoria bit her lip. Her secret would no longer be hers alone…but it was Jemima and Misto. She could tell them almost anything.

"I think I'm in love with Plato," she admitted, after a long hesitation. Her eyes flickered up to meet theirs, checking to see their responses. Misto looked surprised, but he quickly hid it, and Jemima…she just looked sympathetic. A flare of irritation surged up in Victoria, but she ignored it.

"I can see that," Jemima teased her friend. "But why are you sad?"

"Because…I'm afraid he loves someone else."

Jemima and Misto glanced uneasily at each other. "I don't think so," Misto said quietly. "He's said nothing of the sort."

"Maybe he's just afraid to admit it," Victoria said stubbornly.

"He's not like that," Misto argued. Then he smiled tentatively. "Vicki, you have nothing to worry about. My friends are always talking about how pretty you are. Who knows, Plato probably likes you back!"

Victoria couldn't help but let out a little gasp of hope. "You really think so?"

Misto grinned. "If he doesn't already, he will!"

Victoria felt cheered. "Thanks, guys!" Am I being stupid over nothing? He couldn't prefer Etcetera over me, after all… She immediately chided herself. No! It's wrong to think thoughts like that! Etcetera's beautiful too! But does Plato like her?

"Nothing to worry about," Jemima said lightly, flicking Victoria with her tail.

But is there? Victoria couldn't help thinking.