Forever Until Now
Chapter 3;; Confessions
"No. I am a different being entirely. But I'm afraid that I managed to break into your mind, and in turn, your heart."
Life went on. Victoria avoided Etcetera the best that she could without being too weird, but she was beginning to notice. Their relationship balanced awkwardly between friendship and anger, but poor Etcetera had no idea why.
"I don't think Vicki likes me anymore," she confessed to Electra and Jemima. "What did I do? She's been like this since…since when she slapped me." She pouted, bewildered at her friend's attitude. Jemima simply looked at her paws, unwilling to give away Victoria's secret. Electra frowned sympathetically.
"We've all noticed that Vicki's being weird lately," she said. "I don't know what to do with her sometimes."
"Just leave her alone." Jemima found herself speaking up in Victoria's defense. "She's obviously having trouble with her emotions at the moment, and if she doesn't want to tell us, that's her business." The tortoiseshell queen said nothing of how Victoria had spoken to her about Plato.
Unbeknownst to the three queens, Victoria herself was standing within earshot of their conversation, obscured by a sofa that sat between them. She listened, her expression hard, then turned away and left, not wanting to hear any more of their conversation. She knew what they meant by 'Vicki's being weird'. She felt weird. The strangest feelings were constantly gnawing at her heart; they were strange in the way that Victoria felt as if they didn't belong to her, but it made sense that they did. Jealousy and desire. She paused, a paw over her heart, trying to stifle the feelings, but they never left her, not even in her sleep.
Everyone had noticed her constant 'bad mood'. It was impossible not to. The change between the old Victoria and the new was staggering. Once, she'd been a graceful, reserved queen with a kind, sweet heart. Now she was constantly unhappy, and it seemed to affect everyone near her. Eventually, she found herself almost as much as a loner as Macavity, simply because no one could stand to be around her.
It wasn't as if Victoria was happy about it. She tried so hard to act normal, but there was some strange force (for lack of a better word) that prevented her from doing so. So she just went on, lonelier than she'd ever been before.
As she walked, she heard a quiet sort of rustling. Ears twitching, she glanced around. "Who's there?" she asked sharply.
"Victoria…" Jellylorum stepped out and held Victoria within her arms. Not wanting to offend her mother, she stood still. "What's wrong with you lately? We never see you dancing anymore." It was true. Victoria never felt like dancing. It was odd, because dancing had always been her true passion. It was almost as if something was telling her not to dance.
"I'm fine," Victoria said brusquely, and tried to duck out of her mother's embrace, but Jellylorum just held on even more tightly.
"I don't know what's wrong, but you need to improve your attitude, darling," she said quietly. Victoria met her mother's eyes. They were worried, but with a stern edge.
"I'm okay." Victoria pulled away and took off, leaving Jellylorum behind with a look of disbelief on her face.
What's wrong with me? Victoria huddled into a tiny space away from the Junkyard, silent tears running down her face. I've liked Plato for ages, but I never felt like this about him. I never felt this sad. It's unreasonable for me to be so upset because of Etcy… She let out a choked sob.
"Don't be upset." It was that voice again…the voice that she hadn't believed in before.
You…who are you?
"That's irrelevant. I do exist, though. And I know you can understand that now."
So you're talking to me again?
"Obviously. You're a bit slow on the uptake, aren't you?" The voice was beginning to grate on Victoria's nerves, but she didn't want to upset it again.
How come you can hear me, even when I don't speak out loud?
"Dear Victoria…I'm like a part of your mind."
I thought you said that you WEREN'T part of my imagination.
"No. I am a different being entirely. But I'm afraid that I managed to break into your mind, and in turn, your heart."
WHAT?
"I'm dreadfully sorry if that upsets you…"
Just who are you anyway? Upset by this new knowledge, Victoria tried to force the voice away. It didn't work – Victoria heard its ghostly laughter ringing in her mind.
"I told you, that's irrelevant. Now, would you stop trying to push me away? I'm your only company now, you know…"
Though she didn't want to admit it to herself, it was true. If she lost the voice, then she would probably go crazy wanting to just converse with another cat. Sighing, she stopped trying to resist the voice.
"That's better, Victoria. You really shouldn't be afraid of me. I won't hurt you."
What do you mean by that? Victoria couldn't help but be frightened, especially when the voice said menacing things like that.
"I'm a lot like you."
That's not an answer!
"That's all you're getting."
Well then, why don't you- Victoria cut herself off mid-thought. The voice had disappeared; strangely, she could feel whenever its presence left her, but never when it appeared to her. Fine, then.
Laughing bitterly to herself, Victoria stood up, trying to smoothen her fur. That voice is part of my mind, huh? I suppose I'll have to live with that. She briefly recalled the bittersweet memories of kitten hood, where everything had been simple. It still should be simple, she thought. A feeling that was almost sad, but not quite, came over her, making her feel weary. When did life get so difficult for me? I can't even pinpoint the moment. All my instincts tell me I shouldn't feel this way. I shouldn't be like this. So why?
Victoria closed her eyes. I have to focus on what matters. Maybe that will get my mind off these stupid emotions. I have to have Plato. And I'll dance again. Then maybe the Jellicles won't be afraid of me anymore. Having made her resolution, Victoria felt better. She headed back to the main part of the Junkyard, a bright smile turning up the corners of her lips. It felt fake, but she convinced herself that she truly was happy. That way, she would look happy to the Jellicles.
And they believed her façade. Every cat watched her in shock as she performed a couple of graceful twirls, bowed and glanced around to see who was watching. Her heart fluttered when she saw that Plato had turned away from Etcetera to gaze at her with those calm, penetrating eyes of his. She smiled seductively at him, and she saw a flicker of emotion briefly light up his eyes. Her own action shocked herself, though – Bombalurina and Cassandra were the only Jellicles who acted in that way. Feeling a little embarrassed, but pleased, Victoria ran to her den and curled up in a tight ball.
The dreams came quickly. They surrounded her, enveloped her and took her to places within her own head. And so she didn't notice when Jemima, Etcetera and Electra checked on her.
"I wonder what goes on in her head," Jemima murmured thoughtfully.
"Do you think she'll want to be my friend again?" Etcetera asked hopefully, training her wide eyes on Electra. Etcetera had come to rely on the steady queen.
"I hope so," Electra said. "Come on, let's not wake her up." They left the den, just as Jellylorum and Asparagus popped their heads in to check on their daughter. Smiling wearily, they watched her sleep for a few moments before heading back out. A long time after that, another cat entered the den. He watched her for a long time.
"I should be going now," he told her. "But why don't I want to?" Her ears twitched at the sound of his voice. He kept his eyes on her, his gaze astoundingly gentle. "Do you recognize my voice?" he whispered. "Do you know who I am?" With that, he turned and forced himself away.
It wasn't too long afterwards that another tom came in. "Victoria," he said, emphasizing every syllable of her name. "What is it that you're trying to do?" He stared at her beautiful face, at the way her chest rose and fell as she breathed. Then he turned away, leaving her to her dreams.
Victoria was bounding through the streets, chasing after the biggest rat she'd ever seen. She was intent on its long, pink tail. It flashed back and forth in front of her, and she kept her eyes fixed upon it. She had just caught it within her paws when a blackbird swooped past. Instinctively, she dropped the rat and threw herself at the bird, which swerved out of her reach. Strangely, Victoria found that she could swim through the air, so she rocketed towards the bird like a bullet. It was an exhilarating feeling to be able to move so fast and so freely. Almost like dancing…
All at once, Victoria found herself back on the ground. She could faintly hear a voice speaking softly.
"Who's there?" she asked.
"Do you recognize my voice?"
"You…"
"Do you know who I am?"
"I think…"
Victoria looked around, trying to discern her surroundings. Everything was too bright, the colors distorted weirdly. And it was all so misty…faintly, she could make out the shape of a cat standing some way away from her, and she moved towards it hesitantly.
"Victoria."
"Huh?" Victoria turned, struggling to keep up with everything going on around her. In the opposite direction from the first cat was another, but again, she couldn't make out any of its features.
"What is it that you're trying to do?"
"I…I'm trying to gain Plato's love…I think…" Bewildered, Victoria glanced back and forth between the two cats. "Who are you…?" Her own voice was clear, and far too loud, yet the voices of the other cats were distorted. The entire quality the place seemed distorted, everything but herself. When she held out her paw in front of her, she could see it perfectly. It was frustrating.
"You'll have to choose who you want to talk to," said a gentle voice. With shock, Victoria realized it was her own voice. The sound reverberated through the place, echoing. Victoria shuddered.
"This is a dream, isn't it? I'm in my own head, right?" she asked herself.
"That's right, you are," her own voice answered. "In dreams, you find out the true wishes of your heart. It's a shame you barely remember your experiences during sleep…"
This is so weird, Victoria thought. It did explain why everything was so foggy though, with no detail whatsoever. Hesitantly, she took a step towards one of the cats. She couldn't even tell which was which anymore.
"You chose." Victoria let out a yelp at the sound of her own voice. It was a surreal experience to hear herself sounding so…wise.
The faint shape of the cat moved towards Victoria as well, and she caught a glimpse of color before the entire scene faded into blackness. "Wait!" she cried. "What did I choose?"
"You'll see."
"That voice…! That voice in my head! Are you always here?" she cried.
"It's interesting to see what your subconscious is telling you."
My own subconscious…?
"Yes. Please…remember the dream. It's best that you do."
Those last words rang in Victoria's head as she sat up. She'd woken too quickly – her head spun with dizziness. Gasping, she lay down again, slowing her breathing.
She had the vague feeling that she had forgotten something important, but the more she thought about it, the further away the memory floated. Within mere moments, the thought was lost, and she shrugged, telling herself it probably wasn't important.
"Remember the dream?" she murmured to herself. "What dream?"
Victoria was glad to see that cats were beginning to approach her. They acted hesitant, but it was an improvement to moving away at the very sight of her gloomy face. She talked to many cats, smiling and laughing as much as she could. She told herself that her laughter sounded natural, and that her smiles looked genuine. The more she tried to convince herself, the more she believed that she actually was happy. She found herself speaking with her friends again.
They all tried to act as if nothing had happened – as if Victoria hadn't just spent a week avoiding them. They talked about toms, and just as usual, Etcetera repeatedly brought the subject back to Tugger. All of them knew that things had changed, though. None of them brought it up, because they all wanted desperately for the old times to return. It was odd, because they were happy, and yet at the same time they were nervous.
"So, got an eye on a tom, Vicki?" Etcetera asked. Everyone ignored the fact that her voice was shaking.
"Oh, um, you know. Not particularly," Victoria responded carefully, her voice guarded. She lowered her eyes, hiding the flash of resentment.
"Oh, really now?" said a teasing voice. All four queens jumped as Pouncival bounded into the center of the group. The other three toms, Misto, Tumble and Plato followed more slowly. They all had fiendish grins on their faces.
"Um, yes," Victoria said, wishing she sounded more confident in her answer. Pouncival didn't miss her hesitation.
"Alright then," he smirked, flopping down beside the white queen. "You're going to tell me, whether you like it or not."
Victoria scowled and crossed her arms. But already, the other three toms had surrounded her, and her friends looked on helplessly. Victoria didn't miss the look of amusement on Etcetera's face, and her eyes darkened ever so slightly. Jemima picked her way to Victoria's side and silently supported her. The white queen sighed.
"I'm saying nothing, Pounce," she muttered.
"Give us a clue," Pouncival winked, trying to make his expression alluring. "Go on…is he your age? Or is he-" Here, Pouncival coughed suggestively, "-older?"
Victoria flushed furiously. "I said I'm saying nothing! And that means nothing!"
"Aw, come now! You know the older ones aren't that much older! I'm just teasing!" Pouncival made an exaggerated pouty face. Victoria simply glared.
"Is it one of us?" Plato asked quietly. Victoria glanced at him, and her breath caught at the sight of his intent stare. Thankfully, no one noticed.
"Um…" Dammit! Why is it that I can't refuse to answer him? "Um…"
"It is!" Pouncival clapped his paws in delight. Victoria hung her head, infuriated at herself. Why did I have to go do that…? Oh great…
"So who is it?" Tumblebrutus asked curiously.
"I'm not giving away anything else! Go away!" Victoria snapped. Jemima tensed a little.
"Aw, Vicki…" Pouncival protested. "Don't be like that…" Victoria just turned away from him.
"Just one more clue?" Tumblebrutus added hopefully. Misto frowned at his friends, but they ignored him.
"Guys, leave her alone." Victoria spun round in shock. Did HE really just…? She was right, to her disbelief and utter joy. Plato was helping her! She smiled tentatively at him, and he returned it with one of his heart-stopping smirks. Sighing, the toms went off to their own thing.
"Can you tell us, Vicki?" Etcetera said finally. Victoria just rolled her eyes and headed off to be alone. Her friends watched her curiously.
"I wonder who…?" Electra murmured.
How can they be so completely oblivious? Jemima wondered.
As Victoria walked alone, another cat caught up to her. She didn't notice them at first, their step was so quiet.
"Victoria? Can I speak to you?" Victoria froze and almost tripped over in shock. Can that be…? She turned slowly, and met a pair of calm, deep eyes. She inhaled slowly.
"Yes?" she squeaked.
"Earlier…you admitted that you do like one of us, correct? I'm sorry to ask about it again…"
He's always the gentleman, that Plato… Victoria thought bitterly. Out loud, she said, "Yes. I suppose it's out in the open now…"
"You don't have to answer if you don't want to…but is it me?" Plato's eyes were burning into Victoria's, filled with emotions that she couldn't distinguish. Her heart thumped erratically. What do I say? Shocked into silence, she kept gazing into his eyes. Stop it! How do his eyes do that?
"Yeah," she admitted finally. Plato smiled, pleased.
"Good. I was hoping that," he whispered, eyes smoldering. And then he closed the distance between them, and took her hands. Before she could even say anything, he leant in and kissed her sweetly.
And her heart almost burst at the happiness of the moment.