Forever Until Now

Chapter 11;; Hopeless Existence

"I don't want anything," she whispered, fists clenched. "I… I don't even want to exist anymore."

Etcetera didn't want to disturb Victoria, so she decided to leave everything to Misto and Jemima. They seemed to understand that she was in a lot of trouble anyway, so they wouldn't leave her alone for too long. Hopefully.

She had recognized the handwriting on the note that had arrived for Victoria only moments after she'd woken up. Etcetera hadn't actually seen him drop off the note, but she could smell his scent all over it. It'd been hard to resist the temptation to read it, but something had told her that the contents were private.

I know what it says, don't I? She thought to herself sadly. Macavity really did do it… should I be happy or not?

"Be happy."

"AHH! Do you always have to do that?" Etcetera shrieked, turning on the red tom. He smirked.

"Do you always have to be so painfully unaware of what's going on around you?" he commented flippantly. Etcetera blushed, and made a noise of irritation. After a moment, she sighed and decided not to argue. She knew that she'd probably never win an argument, definitely not with Macavity.

"What's going to happen with Victoria?" Etcetera asked him finally. He frowned, and that one disapproving action made Etcetera want to cringe away in fear.

"Why do you ask?" Macavity's tone was nonchalant, but Etcetera got the feeling that there was something he was covering up. "I didn't think that you'd, well… care."

Etcetera blushed again. "No, well, yes… I suppose I see that I've been stupid. I shouldn't have argued with her. She can't stop toms from falling in love with her… she is stunningly beautiful, after all." Etcetera sighed wistfully. Unlike me.

"No, no one can argue with you there. But… she was nasty to you, remember?"

"Yeah, but I provoked her, right?"

"Hmm… so, you've decided that you don't hate her anymore, am I correct?" Macavity fiddled idly with one of his tattered whiskers.

"Well… I dunno. I guess so," Etcetera murmured indecisively.

"But little Etcetera… who's to say that Victoria doesn't hate you, hm?"

"Oh." Etcetera slumped. "I didn't think of that. If I apologize, she'll be okay, right?"

"Etcetera… you're so naïve. It's a good thing you aren't exposed to the world out there," Macavity sighed, waving a paw towards the exit of the Junkyard. "Life doesn't quite fit itself around your will, understand?"

"Yeah, I know that!" Etcetera snapped. Macavity's eyes flashed.

"Don't interrupt me," he said coolly. Etcetera cowered under his fiery stare, and nodded meekly. "What I'm trying to tell you, little Etcetera, is that even if you've decided that you're going to be nice to Victoria again… there's no way that she's going to play along. She has no reason to."

"Because I yelled at her?" Etcetera asked tentatively.

Macavity smiled wryly. "That… and perhaps the changes that just came about. The changes in Plato's affections, for instance."

Etcetera clapped a paw over her mouth. "He wrote her that letter… and she's going to… oh my gosh…"

"Poor little Victoria… that one letter will cause her terrible pain." Macavity's eyes darkened. "It almost isn't worth it," he added in an undertone.

"How can I help her?" Etcetera's eyes were filled with determination. She still felt little envious about her sister's beauty and charm, but since realizing that Plato no longer loved the white queen, she knew that she had to do something. It would just make her even worse of a person if she completely ignored Victoria's trouble…

"Help her?" Macavity laughed. "Etcetera, you don't need to help her. Besides… she deserves to be taken down a notch, right? She still has her beauty, her grace… but no Plato. You can have Plato now, and then you can be equal… ha, well, almost."

Annoyance flared in Etcetera's eyes. "No, Macavity… it's not about that anymore," she sighed.

"Oh really?" Macavity hissed, a dangerous note to his voice. Etcetera took a deep breath.

"Well, I've been thinking," Etcetera said slowly, lowering her eyes so she wouldn't see whatever expression came onto his face. "I was wrong to be angry at her. I should've valued her above my own love interest… one who doesn't care anyway."

Macavity let out of loud noise of frustration. "You are so stupid," he muttered. "Etcetera, look here." She looked into his eyes – his gorgeous, liquid gold eyes. And she was captivated. "Who cares about you now, Etcetera?" he asked her in his smoothest voice.

"Uh… I don't know," she admitted, still gazing into his eyes.

"I'll tell you who doesn't. Victoria, your precious sister, doesn't. And Plato actually does. So I say, take what you've got, mhm?"

"Oh… okay." Etcetera nodded along, no resistance in her stance.

"Good girl." Macavity actually leant in and petted her head. "And who do you love?"

"I love Plato," Etcetera said, her voice enthusiastic and flat at the same time. "Not Victoria," she added at further urging from Macavity's eyes.

"Excellent," the red tom smirked. Etcetera sat docilely as Macavity waved in another cat. Winking at Etcetera, Macavity slid away.

Etcetera was faced with another cat now. The aftereffects of having Macavity's eyes trained on her made her feel a little shaky, but she examined the cat nonetheless. He was familiar – she recognized him straight away. Those long legs, the lovely, pale fur, and those heavenly green eyes… of course, it was Plato. She felt speechless at the very sight of him, and surprisingly enough, he was mirroring her expression of delight.

"P-P-Plato?" she stammered.

"Etcetera!" he cried warmly in response, and bounded forward with arms wide as if he were about to hug her. She almost recoiled in surprise, and, sensing the movement, Plato skidded to a halt. "Oops," he murmured, letting out a laugh.

"Plato?" Etcetera repeated, her voice high-pitched. I should have expected this…Macavity worked it all out for me! But still…what if it's a trick, and Victoria's about to leap out and start…I dunno, cackling or something…uhhh. Oh crap, what do I do, what do I do? Okay…I'd better ask him a few questions. Or else Victoria could leap out and- She cut her thoughts off.

"Um, yes, Plato… um, so how's Vicki?" she asked, trying to make her voice come out casual and indifferent. Instead of obeying her, it came out as a squeak.

"Vicki…?" Plato actually mastered the look of indifference that Etcetera had been trying to achieve. It was utterly genuine. "Oh, I'm done with her. I… well, I realized who my heart truly beats for," he added, blinking coyly at Etcetera. Flushing madly, her mind gone blank, Etcetera attempted to recall the next question that she had been about to ask.

"Oh, so, you're not together anymore?" She frowned, trying to appear concerned. "Are you both… um, okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine," Plato grinned. Is that really insensitive or is that just me… nah, Etcetera thought. "I don't know about Vicki, but she'll recover eventually enough," he continued confidently. "I'm a hundred percent sure that she will, in fact."

"One hundred… percent?" Etcetera echoed, blinking.

"Right," Plato chuckled. "Or we could make it one hundred and ten, if you're worried…?" Somehow, he made the whole exchange flirtatious, and Etcetera finally gave in.

"Well, I'm glad of that," she smiled, hesitantly taking a step towards him. His face lit up, and he closed the distance until they were standing with barely any space between them, not quite touching.

"You know, Etcetera," Plato whispered, leaning in so she could hear him. His beautiful green eyes were glittering with adoration. "I'll tell you why I gave up Victoria. It was… for you, Etcetera." He took a deep breath to inhale her scent, and smiled with pleasure.

"Really?" Etcetera gasped, her eyes shining. "Oh god, Plato… you don't know how much I've wanted this… all my life-" A picture of Tugger flashed through her head, and mentally, she shook it off. "All my life, I've wanted you," she finished, beaming.

"I thought so." Plato rested his cheek against her head, and heat seemed to flare out from the place where they touched. "Me too," he added finally, entrancing her with his glittering eyes. He closed his eyes and leant in towards her face, and suddenly, Etcetera realized what he was about to do.

Now, if Etcetera was going to be honest, she had never been 'intimate' with another tom before. She'd dreamed of it many times, and she always pictured herself then as the perfect lover. The best kisser in the tribe. But that was just a fantasy – in reality, Bomba had pretty much been declared the best kisser in the tribe, and Etcetera? The only thing she had kissed was her old stuffed mouse toy. Not an achievement. She imagined that Plato, though, had kissed many queens in his lifetime. She didn't know why, he just seemed the type. Eek, he probably kissed Victoria too! She realized. Not that it put her off, but… she was frightened.

"Plato," she murmured, pulling away a little bit. He frowned, disappointed. "Plato, I've never kissed a tom before," she admitted in a small voice.

"That doesn't matter," he soothed her. "You'll be fine."

"Maybe we could… take it slow?" Etcetera suggested. Sighing, Plato pulled away.

"Okay, then…"

Victoria hated that she had to be reduced to spying on Plato now. She couldn't believe that she would have to be forced to stay away from him. But just because she couldn't make any contact with him, didn't mean she could stop loving him. She followed him devoutly throughout the day, sighing wistfully as he displayed his usual quirks – wanting a mouse at exactly one o' clock, his way of speaking so slowly, yet so attractively.

And then there was, of course… the almost-kiss with Etcetera. Of course she'd seen it. She hated the fact that she'd seen it, but it was her own fault really. If only she'd truly given him up for lost as soon as she'd read that letter… she'd thought that she'd had a chance of recapturing his love. But that was obviously just a wish. He was all for Etcetera now.

"I should have known," she said out loud. She'd always suspected that Plato felt more than friendship for her sister. But when he'd spoken his gentle words of love for Victoria, she had been lulled. She'd thought that he could never possibly love someone else. I was wrong… so wrong…

What made her heart ache was that even though Plato clearly didn't care about her anymore, she was still in love with him, to the point where she felt like screaming. So seeing him with Etcetera…it had been achingly difficult to pull herself away from the scene, to stop herself from heading in and smashing in Etcetera's skull. She felt very capable of killing her sister at the moment, and that scared her. Killing was a terrible thing, and even the urge… she was going mad.

"I thought you'd accepted that fact a good while ago." Victoria listened carefully as someone padded towards her and stopped a short distance away. The paw steps were heavy…probably a tom. She was correct – when she turned around, it was Macavity she saw watching her. Her brow crinkled.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, her voice accusing. It was miraculous to her that she could still sound so strong. Apparently, Macavity thought the same.

"I'm here to help you," he said, his voice surprisingly gentle. "Everlasting Cat knows I'm the only one who can."

"What…?" Victoria narrowed her eyes. "You? The notorious outcast of the Jellicles?"

"That's what they're calling me these days, hm? Ha! I should've known."

"Don't change the subject."

"Well…isn't it refreshing to see a young queen who isn't afraid to speak to me like this. I've always liked you."

"What…?" Victoria said for the second time. "You've always liked me? Don't be ridiculous! We've never met!"

Macavity began to laugh. "Don't be so sure about that…"

The strangest thing was, Victoria had the vague impression that he was right. That she shouldn't be so sure. His voice was familiar, his laugh even more so. And someone at the back of her mind kept tugging at her attention… an image of fire upon snow, of terrible gold, so mesmerizing…

"Do I know you…?" Victoria asked suspiciously.

"Why yes, you do," Macavity said pleasantly. Victoria regarded him with narrowed eyes.

"Yes, I thought so. But how…?" She closed her eyes, trying to pull out those vague memories.

"You shouldn't waste your time on that matter now. What you should be thinking about is what you're going to do now," Macavity suggested.

"What…?" Come on, Victoria, be a little more coherent than that…

"Well, you're upset, aren't you? And not without reason…"

"Plato," Victoria moaned, her eyes glazing over.

"I'm merely concerned for you, Victoria. I can help you, you see."

"You can? How?" Victoria stared pleadingly into his eyes, and he stared coolly back. The usual fire in his golden eyes wasn't there – he wasn't forcing his will upon the white queen.

"Tell me, Victoria… what is it you want now that Plato doesn't want you?" Macavity questioned, his voice light.

"What do I… want? I want Plato… " Victoria let out a sob.

"But since you can't have him… what are you going to do?" Macavity gave her a sly smile.

"I don't want anything," Victoria whispered, fists clenched. "I… I don't even want to exist anymore."

"No? In other words… you don't care for your life?" Macavity rubbed his paws together, a fiendish grin playing on his lips. "Then, my Victoria… is it death you want?"