Disclaimer: I do not own the Sonic the Hedgehog characters.

Chapter 3: So Called Therapy

Session One

"I am not anorexic."

The fat man across from him, Doctor Jenkins, just shook his head sadly.

"I see we're still in a state of denial."

"We are not anything and I don't have an eating disorder."

Sonic sat with arms crossed in a tiny office that could only hold him, his fat opponent, the chairs they sat in, and a desk between them.

"I see more proof is needed to dissuade these destructive thoughts."

"What kind of proof could you have? I do not starve myself."

"The facts say differently. You are very undersized for your age. You must have started very early to have inhibited your growth so badly."

Sonic gaped at the man.

"I'm an anthropomorphic hedgehog! I'm supposed to be this size!'

"You also seem to have an unhealthy obsession with exercise." Doctor Jenkins continued, ignoring the last comment.

"I-am-So-nic-the-Hedge-hog," Sonic said slowly as if talking to an idiot, "Run-ning-is-what-I-live-for."

Doctor Jenkins didn't find it very funny.

"Sonic, you can't keep up this denial forever."

"Alright that's it! Wait right there!"

Before the doctor could object, the hedgehog ran out and returned with a plate of chili dogs in one hand.

"See this? Food. And if I have to eat all of it including the plate to convince you that I'm not anorexic, then I will."

"Don't push yourself to-,"

But Sonic was already scarfing down chili dogs like there was no tomorrow. Unfortunately, the speed of ingestion caused to hedgehog to start choking. Jenkins moved to help him but before he could, Sonic hacked up the blockage.

"Ug, agg, um, uh-oh."

The wad of bread and beef that had formerly been stuck in the hedgehog's throat was now pasted to the doctor's forehead. They both watched as it slowly slid down the man's face and fell off the tip of his nose. Calmly Doctor Jenkins sat back down. Ignoring some frenzied apologies from the hedgehog he wrote something on a note and passed it over. Sonic read it.

"Bulimia!"

"The key to being happy is to think happy! All you have to do is put a great big smile on your face and the world is a better place. Hey that rhymes! Even my words are happy!"

The doctor who sat across from Knuckles was a bean pole of a man with an oddly shaped head and a smile full of tombstone shaped teeth plastered on his face. The moment the echidna had seen him, some primal instinct had shouted at him to run away, but he'd pushed through it and forced himself into the chair. He was regretting the decision.

"What does happiness have to do with anger management? And why do I even need it in the first place!"

"Ah, ah, ah, inside voices please," the man was wagging his finger from side to side. Knuckles contemplated trying to bite it. "As for the first question, when you can see the brighter side to life, all your anger will fall away. It'll be rainbows and butterflies for the rest of time."

"…Have you ever met a boy named Charmy?"

"No, but I'm sure I'd be delighted to. Now, what makes you angry?"

Surprised at the sudden question, Knuckles had to think a moment.

"The Master Emerald getting stolen, the Master Emerald getting broken, thieves, hedgehogs, Eggman, surprises, Tails' techno talk, little bags of peanuts…"

"Peanuts?"

"Do you know how hard it is to open them with these things?"

He held up the mitts he's been ticking off the list with. Weird Smiley Guy just kept smiling, but his eyes crinkled in thought.

"Mm-huh, mm-huh, mm-huh. This Master Emerald, you mentioned it twice. Is it an important possession to you?"

"I'm its Guardian."

"Mm-huh. I think I see the problem. You are far too attached to material objects. Once you realize that they can't replace the fuzzy feelings of love and friendship, then you'll be able to throw away your concerns."

Knuckles just stared.

"Are you nuts? Throw away being a Guardian! What if the Emerald falls into the wrong hands! The last time that happened, a giant water-dragon-god-thing almost wiped out the entire city!"

"…Knuckles have you been sleeping alright? Any weird dreams?"

"There was that one but- Wait a minute! You don't believe me do you?"

"Well, the idea of a giant monster attacking the city is rather odd."

"Odd? ODD? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THE LAST WEEK?"

"In my happy place!"

"…I'm leaving."

The echidna put words to motion, hopping out of his seat and opening the door.

"Ah, ah, ah, you can't discontinue therapy until I write you off. Remember the Exemption."

Knuckles gave off a growl that would have done a Saber Backed Soliloquy proud, before reluctantly getting back into his seat.

"I'm so happy you're being reasonable. And guess what?"

Knuckles waited for the man to continue but he didn't. The echidna made an irritated sound in the back of his throat.

"What?" he snarled.

"We're going to learn about the wonderful world of catharsis! Won't that be fun?"

Knuckles tilted his head to the side in confusion.

"What's that?"

"It's a wonderful concept. All about releasing your anger in constructive ways."

"Releasing your anger?"

"Yes! You can do things like drawing pretty pictures, writing in pretty journals, and-,"

He didn't get farther than that when Knuckles put a fist over the desk and with one heavy chop, cleaved the thing in two. The doctor's mouth fell open, although he didn't quite lose his smile. His eye started twitching though. Knuckles on the other hand, smiled for the first time since he'd gotten there.

"I feel better now."

Tails was fidgeting and his trademark tails were flicking nervously. He'd been sitting there for a while now and the doctor had yet to talk to him. The man was stocky, with a very obvious toupe and kept scribbling something in a notebook.

"Um, sir…" The man kept writing.

"Sir, it's about the document I received. Well, um, it didn't have a specific problem it just…it just had a string of insults. Was it a misprint or…something?"

There was another awkward silence before the man finally put down his pen. He sighed.

"This is going worse than I'd imagined."

"W-what do you-,"

"Miles "Tails" Prower, you have self-esteem issues."

If the kit was confused before, he was completely bewildered now.

"Then why did-,"

"You really are stupid aren't you? It's so obvious."

"What are you talking about?" Tails asked quickly before he was interrupted again.

"I'm talking about you and your pathetic weakness. You have absolutely no self-worth. So that's why I'm going to keep on insulting you until your spine stiffens up and you get some self-respect."

"That doesn't make any-,"

"Excuse me. Who's the one with the PhD here?"

"…You?"

"That's right, me. I know you better than you know yourself and I'm going to shape you up so that you can feel better about yourself. Now stop giving me that deer in the headlights look and straighten up like a man or whatever sorry excuse of existence you are."

Tails was shocked. The doctor spoke with a cold certainty without even bothering to raise his voice. He didn't even seem angry. Tails was smart enough to see that this was just some lousy attempt at therapy. He shouldn't let it get to him, but…

"A screw-up like you thinks he's good enough to be a hero. Don't make me laugh. The world's better off without your sorry hide getting in the way. A stupid kid like you wouldn't even have the brains to know what's going on let alone save anyone. No wonder you have to depend on Sonic so much. It's a wonder he hasn't gotten rid of you already. With that freakish mutation I doubt anyone would really take you in. Anyone dumb enough to do so would regret it the moment they realized what an incompetent little brat you were. You couldn't-,"

The onslaught continued. The kit curled his tails around himself as if they could block out the words. Tails kept feeling smaller and smaller and smaller.

"Amy you have a problem."

"You bet I have a problem. This was a brand new dress."

Doctor Callahan rubbed his eyes. He didn't look as if he got much sleep with his clothes all disheveled and deep raccoon rings under his eyes.

"I meant your obsession."

"Oh…"she muttered almost inaudibly, "Look, doctor, I like pink A LOT. It's my favorite color. Just because I spray painted my lawn doesn't mean I have a problem."

"No that's not-wait, what did you say?"

"…Nothing."

Callahan gave her a funny look for a moment, before giving up and picking up his notes.

"It says here that you're infatuated with Sonic the Hedgehog, who happens to be one of the other patients."

"We're soul-mates," she said dreamily with hands clasped together.

"It says here that Sonic never returns you're affection."

"Oh, he's just playing hard to get. He knows we're meant for each other and one day he'll admit it."

The doctor nodded as if this confirmed his thoughts.

"Amy, I must warn you that you are showing the first signs of obsessive love. We need to set you straight before you become a stalker."

Amy gave the doctor a pitying look.

"People say that all the time. No one understands romance these days." Callahan had to restrain himself from chuckling. The way she said it made her sound like an old lady.

"All right so what's your definition of romance?"

The pink hedgehog positively beamed. This was one topic she would never get tired of.

"Well, it starts off with that fated encounter. Your eyes meet across the room or you bump into each other at the supermarket. For me it was getting kidnapped by a robotic doppelganger, but it's basically the same thing. He was so heroic when he saved me. I knew he was the one right then and there. I've told him how I feel over and over again, but he just doesn't get it yet. He's starting to though, I can see it. Pretty soon we're going to get married even if I have to knock him out first."

The doctor had started to doze off during the litany but the last part brought him back to wakefulness.

"What did you say?"

"I said even if I have to prove my love to him."

The doctor's eyes narrowed.

"No you didn't. You said-,"

"Doctor what does this have to do with obsession? Can't you see that this is just innocently passionate love?"

"Don't you think you're being a little too passionate?"

"Not at all. Sometimes a girl has to be persistent and I know that I'm getting close to my goal. Even fate needs a helping hand. Did I tell you about how fate brought us together? It was magical. Sonic was so heroic. Did I already say that? Well, anyway-,"

Callahan sighed. This wasn't going to be easy. He needed to come up with a strategy and until then he resolved himself to listening to a little girl's delirium.

The doctor was talking about something but Shadow wasn't listening. Truth be told, he was preoccupied. He'd been able to get his extra arm amputated but there'd been a…complication. Apparently whatever had caused the appendage to grow in the first place had also given it a mind of its own. Once removed, it tried to strangle one of the surgeons. Shadow and a nurse had managed to pry it lose, but before any other action could be taken the arm had escaped. It was an impressive feat for something with no legs.

"Excuse me Shadow, but are you listening?"

"…No…sorry."

"That's quite alright," he said, smiling affably.

"Why am I here anyway? The paper didn't say my diagnosis."

"That's because there is none. You're perfect."

Shadow blinked. Oh all the things he'd expected, flattery was not one of them.

"Yes, you're every bit the Ultimate Life Form you say you are. That includes your brain."

Shadow wondered if the man knew about his bouts of amnesia. Or the mind control and that he'd had an identity crisis multiple times. Shadow would never admit it out loud but he could concede silently that he wasn't always…stable.

"If there's nothing wrong with me then why am I here?"

"Well for starters you had to receive the same sentence as the others since you took a part in the "incident". Also, Doctor Rutabaga would like you're help with some research."

That put Shadow on the alert.

"What kind of help?"

"Oh nothing really. A trivial task for someone with your abilities."

The hedgehog's eyes narrowed into a glare.

"What kind of help?" he repeated.

"It's really a paltry thing." The man said as he rustled through his desk drawer. "There's no reason to worry."

He finally found what he was looking for and pulled it out. It was a long jagged edged saw.

"We just need a look at your brain."