Forever Until Now

Chapter 17;; Bad Girl

"That's why I so totally believed that we needed each other. I thought that if two broken souls came together, they would form one healed soul."

"Back already, huh?"

"It's not as if I really want to be in the real world."

Victoria and Alyana sat opposite from each other. They were back in the pretty meadow again. It was dawn in the dream, and birds were hopping about, unconcerned that two cats were only a mere distance away. The light of dawn made both Victoria and Alyana look as if their fur was the color of faded roses.

"So you're only here because I'm the only alternative, huh? Glad to know it." Alyana sighed deeply, and she didn't sound herself at all.

"I'm sorry."

"How's life with Macavity treating you?" When Victoria looked at Alyana, she only saw bitter regret in the white queen's eyes.

"How can you talk about him without getting angry?" Victoria was shocked. If Macavity had killed her, she'd be absolutely seething at the very sound of his name. Yet, here Alyana was, sitting and conversing about him with a mere tinge of sadness in her voice.

"Ah well," Alyana sighed. "Yeah, he killed me. We both know that. But it was my fault, really. I should've expected it."

"In no way was it your fault!" Victoria felt as if she had to get angry on Alyana's behalf.

"Calm down, Victoria," Alyana smiled. She placed a soothing paw on Victoria's shoulder, and she took a shuddering breath. "I should've known that Macavity would get tired of me. Still, I found him irresistible." She shrugged. "I guess I should've left him while I had the chance."

"Why do you talk about him like that?" Another surge of anger turned Victoria's comment into a hiss. "Like he's…wonderful?"

Alyana turned her big green eyes on Victoria, and the younger queen felt a jolt of surprise. Alyana had such huge eyes… they made her look younger. Yet, they had a sheen of bitter regret that Victoria could only imagine in the eyes of a far older cat.

"He has a lot of power, Victoria," Alyana whispered, an aching throb in her voice. "It's a terrible burden."

"A burden?" Victoria spat. "To be able to hypnotize unknowing cats like me or my sister? Bast, he could've hypnotized you as well!"

Alyana looked away. "I know that, Victoria. But in death, it wouldn't affect me." She turned back to Victoria, looking levelly at her. "I stand by what I said before. I don't blame Macavity for killing me, and neither should you. I'll convince you."

"Like hell you will."

A cloud drifted over the sun, and Victoria shivered at the sudden lack of warmth. It was as if Alyana changed with the weather; or maybe it was the weather that changed with her? The white queen's eyes were cold, filled with undying loyalty for the cat who had killed her.

"I said, I'll convince you." Alyana closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Who cares if he hates me for it?" And she laughed a bitter laugh that sent chills racking down Victoria's spine. "I'm dead already, aren't I?"

"Alyana…"

"I won't tell you everything. Not like I promised…it wouldn't be right. You need to find the answers, and I promise that you will, as long as you stay with Macavity. But I can tell you a few things…just so that you can understand my way of thinking. It would make me feel a whole lot better talking to you."

"Alyana… I don't get it…"

"It must be hard. Patience, Victoria. You can wait it out." Alyana finally opened her eyes. "I'm ready, Victoria. Are you?"

"Yes…I want to hear what you have to say."

Electra stormed through the Junkyard until she got to the very edge, and there, she halted. She knew that if she left the Junkyard, she wouldn't last long. How many times had she heard it? The world outside of the Junkyard is filled with dangers. As a Jellicle, you have the protection of the Junkyard. Don't take it for granted; rather, stay and leave only when absolutely necessary.

And Electra had no dire reason to go other than she just wanted to escape it all. She wanted to get away from the Junkyard, the Jellicles… from herself.

You know… about Macavity… and he… he won't be able to hurt you, right?

Misto's voice kept ringing in her brain, over and over and over. She hated him. She hated him for what he had done… he and Plato had exposed her, exposed her deepest secret to her friends. As if she wanted that. A stray tear formed in her left eye, and angrily, she swiped it away. She was useless as it was without crying more and more useless tears. Stupid. She couldn't believe that those toms could be so inconsiderate as to revealing the one thing she wanted to forget. The one thing secret she wanted to bury under layers upon layers of faked smiles.

You know… about Macavity… and he… he won't be able to hurt you, right?

It was true, though. He wouldn't – couldn't – hurt her. It was all because of what had happened during birth. He'd saved her by ripping away the one thing that made her special. Now, she was just plain, boring Electra. No one had ever considered just why she was so different from most Jellicles. They were beautiful, absolutely beautiful. They all possessed melodic voices and the ability to dance with utter grace. Electra? She was like a dull stone sitting among a group of polished diamonds.

Sighing in frustration, Electra sat down and stared out onto the street. A couple of humans strode past, glancing fleetingly at her as they went. A supposedly drunken cat lolled around, his eyes rolled back in his head and his tongue hanging out, the saliva drooling down his chin. Electra made a noise of disgust and moved back a little.

"No… wait…" the cat slurred, turning its bloodshot eyes upon her. "Hmm… there's something about you." He gave her a slack-jawed grin and made a clumsy attempt to stand.

"Get back," Electra spat, disgusted.

"Heh, heh. I sense the traces of magic lingering upon you," the cat proclaimed loudly. At least, Electra was pretty sure that was what he said. For one thing, she couldn't believe that this drunk cat would know anything about magic. The second? It was difficult to understand a word he spoke.

"Oh…?" Despite herself, Electra wanted to hear what he had to say.

"Oh, yes." He let out a laugh, but it quickly turned into a series of racking coughs. Electra stood back, eyes still full of suspicion. "But darlin'… you're weak. Where'd your magic go, hm?"

Electra opened her mouth, but her voice stuck in her throat. How could he know…?

"You're surprised… aren't you?" The cat's voice was blurring with fatigue, and his eyes were closing. He leant his head back against the wall behind him. "Mm… I used to be rather like them, you know? I always dream of it, yes. But it's gone from me now. Oh, I had glory… but my glory left me in shambles…" His head lolled to the side, and Electra thought that he'd fallen asleep. But as she turned to leave, doubt clouding her mind, she caught his voice in the breeze.

"They'll all be like me eventually. Mm… the handsome tuxedoed one, the green-eyed one, the one that reminds me of fire… they'll be just like me." He smiled lopsidedly, his breathing slowing. "I watch them now with that knowledge…" Electra frowned.

"Oh, and darlin'? You lost your magic, hm? If you're gonna attempt to recover it…" But he trailed off, and as Electra watched him expectantly, he let out a snore. She was tempted to wake him, but the thought of touching that wretched cat… she shivered, and decided she'd heard enough from him. Troubled by what he'd said, she stepped quietly away, back into the Junkyard.

"Macavity and I, we've known each other for a long time." Alyana had turned her back on Victoria, but the breeze lifted her voice, entwined it around the younger white cat. Victoria closed her eyes as she listened. "He sought us out one day; he asked us for our help."

"Us?"

"Yes, us. My family and I." Alyana's voice became distant as she relived the memory. "I remember thinking that he was the most powerful I'd ever seen. I was young, but I'd seen many of them."

Victoria still didn't quite understand, but she listened intently anyway.

"He was young, I was young, we were all young. We're older now, but as if that brought us any sense." She laughed lightly, and Victoria couldn't help but wonder how she could sound so lighthearted. It was impossible to understand just how Alyana's mind and heart worked… did they co-ordinate? Or did they twist apart, their separate desires creating the broken cat that now stood with her back to Victoria?

"Yet, even though he was young, his powers were already taking a toll on him. I could see it in his eyes… that strange frenzy. He was losing his sense of being." Alyana heaved a sigh and it was a while before she continued. "He told us that his father had sent him. He told us that he was from the Jellicles. Now, my family knew the Jellicles well." Her voice turned wry. "After all, we'd done business with them upon many an occasion."

"Done business?" Victoria echoed. "Alyana, what do you mean by that?"

"Ha. That's not for me to tell you." Was it Victoria's imagination, or was Alyana's voice breaking? "Simple business. It keeps our family going, but I've never truly liked it. I've always thought it was revolting… but what else is there for us to do?" Victoria wished that Alyana would just turn around and face her so that she could see the expressions on the green-eyed cat's face. It was strange to hear her voice filled with such doubt and bitterness. "If we didn't do it, so many cats like Macavity would suffer."

"So… what happened next?" If Alyana wasn't going to explain herself, Victoria didn't want to hear more things that she didn't understand.

"Macavity stayed with us for a bit. His father had sent us a letter instructing us to let him stay, you see."

"Old Deuteronomy?"

"That's right. The great cat himself. The longer Macavity stayed, the more I could see him regaining control. But there was always a shadow lingering in his eyes." Suddenly, Alyana spun around and strode up to Victoria, who reeled back in shock. "Couldn't you see that shadow, Victoria? Why couldn't you see? Why couldn't you understand?"

Victoria choked a sob. "Alyana! You know that there's a lot that's obviously been kept hidden from me! How was I meant to understand? How AM I meant to understand?" Her eyes darkened. "Alyana, I've lived all my life a sheltered cat! Only now do I realize that there's more to life than everyone's letting on. So explain to me… help me to understand." She brought her paws together in a beseeching motion.

"I'm sorry. I forgot myself for a moment," Alyana said curtly. "I keep forgetting that you're so clueless. It's hard to remember whenever I see your white fur."

"What does my white fur have to do with anything?"

"Oh, Victoria… it has to do with everything."

"Take my magic back," Electra murmured. "Why shouldn't I? I tried to recover, to move on… but obviously, that's not going to happen." She was hovering indecisively outside the old den where her friends were discussing. They weren't yet aware of her. From what she could hear, they weren't making much progress. Misto had offered to help them track down Macavity, but they were unsure if they could overpower him or not.

A wry smile twisted Electra's lips up. If they had her, they'd be fine. But they didn't.

You guys don't even know how close I am to just coming in and giving in. I want my magic. So much. I want to be like Misto. Why not? Why shouldn't I?

Those three words pulled at Electra's will. Why shouldn't I? It was all for the best, right? If she got her magic back, she'd be beautiful and filled with power. She wouldn't be boring old Electra anymore. Her heart was telling her, 'Go, go inside and tell them you'll help them'. Yet, there was a lingering doubt in her mind. She was reluctant to let go of her secret; she'd lived with it all her life. And then, there were the words that the strange 'drunk' cat had spoken to her.

"Oh, and darlin'? You lost your magic, hm? If you're gonna attempt to recover it…"

If she was going to attempt to recover it…what? What did the weird old cat know? Because as unreliable a source he looked, he had spoken some sense. He had known about magic. Was he going to warn her of something, or offer advice? And did it even matter? Electra clenched her teeth in frustration.

But there was one thing she was sure of. She wanted to go with her friends and kill Macavity badly. A sad smile pulled at her lips for a moment as she felt the decision made within her heart. She would go. Why not? Why shouldn't I? It's for the best. Taking a deep breath, she re-entered the den, her footfalls quiet. She kept her expression stony and averted her eyes from Misto's face.

"Welcome back, Electra," Plato said softly. "Have you changed your mind?"

"We'll see," Electra said curtly, seating herself at the entrance of the den. She felt everyone's eyes upon her, and her kept hers fixed on a small stone that she'd probably kicked inside.

After a long pause, the conversation continued somewhat awkwardly. But Plato really couldn't help himself.

"Electra, we could really use your help."

"I know."

"Then help us." Electra could actually feel Plato's emerald gaze burning into her – that was how intense it was. She knew that if she looked up, she would be captivated and would easily give in to him. She didn't want to look like a fool, so she kept her eyes away from him. After a moment, he laughed. "Clever Electra. We need you. What's stopping you? Why shouldn't you?" She froze at that line. It was almost as if he'd read her mind just to find the words that would break her resistance. Cunning, he is. I'd better watch out.

She heard his pawsteps coming towards her. "You know you want to," he hissed in her ear. "It's your only chance, Electra… you would be doing a great thing, for yourself and for your friends. So stop with the vague answers and say yes."

"Yes." He'd manipulated her somehow. Pulled the words from her lips without so much as a second of eye-contact. Maybe he had more power than he was letting on… or maybe, maybe she was just tired of saying no to something she wanted so desperately. Maybe it had nothing to do with Plato's prompts.

"Louder. So that everyone can hear," Plato urged.

"Yes," Electra repeated, closing her eyes in defeat. "Fine, yes, okay."

"Thank you." Plato's voice was cordial, but she heard the triumph in it clearly.

"Wait…" That was Etcetera, her voice raised slightly and high-pitched with curiosity. "Why do we need Electra so much?"

Electra glanced up and saw Plato opening his mouth to speak. "Don't you dare," she cut in warningly.

"It's not for you to tell," Misto added quietly, and though she was still angry at him, Electra was glad for his support.

"Whatever," Plato shrugged.

"It doesn't matter." Electra spoke directly to Jemima and Etcetera, who both looked beyond confused. "You really don't need to know… you don't want to have to deal with the knowledge of it all." Electra sighed wearily. "It's hard, so hard. There's so much that we don't know… so much to be afraid of… ignorance is bliss."

"I'm sorry," Jemima murmured. Her eyes were sad. "I… I guess there's a lot I don't know. I won't ask."

Etcetera's eyes were positively burning with curiosity, but she said nothing. "Okay, so we keep planning now?" she asked tentatively. Everyone nodded, and the discussion resumed – only now, they had Electra.

"So we track Macavity down… what then?" Etcetera stood up and began to pace in her usual manner. The other eyes of the other four cats followed her wearily as she stepped back and forth. "Um… is Electra going to, um, do something… or something?" Her voice rose in pitch at the end of her question.

"Yeah, maybe," Electra smirked. "But aren't we all?"

Etcetera let out a tiny squeak of frustration, but didn't ask further. Electra knew she'd have to talk more privately with Plato and Misto later; she couldn't let Jemima and Etcetera get tangled up in something as terrible and complex as magic. If they ever got caught by it, they would never be free again.

"We need to know more about Macavity, I think." Everyone listened intently as Jemima spoke. She usually spoke sense, rather than Etcetera who just suggested whatever came to mind. "That way, he won't be so unpredictable. It'll be useful to ask around, I think."

Etcetera clapped her paws together. "Excellent idea, Jemi! Let's do that! C'mon!" She looked ready to bound out of the den, her eyes sparkling, jigging from paw to paw.

"Hang on a second." Jemima held her paws up. "We can't just ask anyone and everyone, right? They'll get suspicious. We need to have a reason to ask, and we need to know who to ask. Who'll know Macavity best in the tribe, do you think?"

"Old Deuteronomy, Munkustrap, Tugger," Electra reeled off straightaway. "They're his family. And Demeter and Bombalurina too. Remember? They were his 'friends'."

"And by the sounds of it, you know him well too." Plato raised his eyebrows questioningly, and Electra sent him an icy glare.

"Just shut up, Plato. I'm getting tired of you, to be honest." He smirked, and Etcetera pouted. She obviously didn't like Electra speaking to her 'tomfriend' like that.

"Okay, we'll ask them… anybody else?" Jemima rushed in to push the conversation along. The tension in the air didn't fade, however – Plato was still grinning foolishly and Electra's tail was whipping back and forth.

"I don't think so." Misto spoke up for the first time in a while. "He was a solitary cat. He barely interacted with any Jellicles."

For a moment, Electra could've sworn that Etcetera's eyes were filled with fear and regret. But the flash of emotion was gone in an instant, and the dark tabby just shrugged it off. Etcetera was still too immature to look so upset… right? As if she'd experienced anything to make her feel like that… right?

"Alright then… so what do we ask them?" Jemima frowned. "Shall we say that we just need to know about… her… murderer?"

She's reluctant to say Victoria's name. Everyone's eyes darkened as they inwardly replaced the word 'her' with Victoria.

"We'll make it up as we go along," Etcetera shrugged, a tiny smile quirking her lips. "That's fine, right?" She paused as everyone nodded slowly. "Oh, and guys…? I bags Tugger."

Etcetera and Jemima had already left; Etcetera had claimed speaking to Tugger, and Jemima was planning to go talk to Munkustrap. Unfortunately for Electra, that left her alone with Plato and Misto.

"Who're you going to ask?" she sighed when no one spoke a word.

"I can ask Bombalurina," Misto shrugged. "She's on pretty good terms with me, I think."

"Shouldn't someone, you know… more masculine go? You know she's into that," Plato teased. Misto scowled and swiped him across the nose, careful to keep his claws sheathed.

"Well, you ask Bomba then! I'll go speak to Demeter with Electra," Misto sighed.

"Fine by me," Plato smirked.

"And you didn't even ask me how I feel about that," Electra muttered dejectedly. Both Plato and Misto laughed at her.

"You're not mad at us, are you?" Misto purred. Electra just sniffed and turned her back on the pair.

"You two are so stupid," she mumbled under her breath, not even realizing that two grinning toms were creeping up behind her.

"We're sorry!" they hollered as they pounced on her. She let out a shriek as she was bowled over, and all three cats rolled out of the den. Plato, being the smooth cat he was, leapt away before he got too covered in dust, but Misto and Electra kept on rolling. Misto's eyes were glowing with laughter and magic was sparking from his paws. Electra couldn't help herself – seeing his laughing face so close to hers made her giggle as well. As she began to laugh, feeling totally at ease, a tiny, purple spark glimmered in her right paw, and then exploded into what resembled a miniature firework. Her eyes widened.

"Misto… did you see that?" she gasped. He nodded soundlessly, just as shocked as she was. They both sat up, Misto leaning over her shoulder as she lifted her paw to her face. "Did I really just… make magic?" A glimmer appeared in her eyes, lighting up the usually dull green. She stretched out her paw, and once again, a tiny purple spark just popped out. Breathless with excitement, she turned to Misto.

"Misto, I just magic! I just… oh my god…"

Misto smiled at her, looking almost as excited as she did. "You did," he affirmed, taking the paw that she had just produced magic from. They beamed at each other, feeling the magic sparking in each other's paws.

"Maybe it's coming back, Misto. Maybe… no, wait…" She frowned, suddenly moody again. Misto released her paw and sat back.

"What, Electra?"

"She's suggesting your magic is rubbing off on her." Plato approached them warily. "Right…?"

"You're such a know-it-all, Plato," Electra said. "Yeah. That's possible, isn't it?" She pressed her lips together.

"Yeah… that could be it, but-" Misto began, his eyes locking with Electra's.

"Don't say you don't mind, Misto…"

"But I don't. I don't mind." Misto's voice was gentle, comforting. "It's not fair for me to have so much and-"

"No, Misto, you don't get it…" Electra turned her back on him, her shoulders hunched. "I can't steal your magic. That's just wrong… I've been around you too much lately. I'm sorry." Her shoulders began to shake. "I'll stay away from you from now on… I can't steal your magic. It's not mine. It doesn't belong to me… but I can't help myself. I crave it…"

"Electra…" Misto whispered, unable to raise his voice any further.

"All I can do… is recover my own magic. Take back what's rightfully mine." She shuddered, trying to breathe evenly. "You know… they always told me Macavity saved me." She began to walk away then, and neither tom tried to follow her. They knew that she needed to be alone. But before she rounded the corner, she turned back to face them, and they both saw that her eyes were hardened with resolute determination.

"So it's only fair that I 'save' him, isn't it?"

"So, Macavity stayed with us for a while. And I…spent a lot of time with him." Alyana's eyes hazed over, just slightly. Her lips turned up in a bittersweet smile. "I think that was when I fell in love with him. I thought that he fell in love with me as well, but I understand now that he never loved me."

"I'm sorry, Alyana…" Victoria clasped her paws together. The look on Alyana's face made her feel as if little needles were stabbing into her heart. Alyana sniffed and turned her back on Victoria again. Victoria felt as if she were doing it deliberately just so that she could hide her face.

"Don't be sorry. It was my fault for being so careless," Alyana shrugged. "Anyway, we made plans. My family… arranged… for us to leave together and return to the Jellicles." Upon hearing Victoria's gasp, she let out a sad laugh. "Oh yes, Victoria. I was meant to become a Jellicle. I was meant to be great among the greatest tribe known in the city. I was meant to accomplish so much more than I did…"

"But what happened?" Now Victoria was very interested in Alyana's story.

"A lot of things happened – I wasn't even aware of them, that's how fast they happened. You see, my younger siblings were born while Macavity was staying. A beautiful litter, they were. They grew quickly and by the time I was about to leave to join the Jellicles with Macavity, they were intelligent kittens, the lot of them." Alyana's voice turned bitter.

"What do your younger siblings…?"

"Don't worry about them, Victoria. There was one, though… Macavity took a liking to her. I never knew about this, by the way – like I said, it happened very quickly. And for some reason, he chose her over me. He asked if he could take her instead – offered a lot more for my sister than he offered for me, I hear. And so the deal was done. He chose my sister and left without speaking another word to me."

"Oh no… Alyana…" Victoria's brow furrowed. "Wait… what do you mean by he offered-"

"Victoria, you need to stop asking questions like that. It annoys me," Alyana said matter-of-factly. "Obviously, I was upset. I had no idea what was going on, only that he'd left and that I wasn't to go with him. My family tried to calm me, but I was beyond being reassured. I needed to know." She sighed. "So I left my family then. They were very angry at me, and I bet they still are. What a wasted business opportunity I was to them."

"A-"

"Victoria." Alyana spoke sharply. "No more interruptions. You'll understand eventually. So yeah, I left. I was a bad girl. I knew they would never welcome me back. I had to learn how to survive on the streets, and I became even more of a bad girl." Alyana laughed shortly. "I'd always been that way, but… oh, I dunno. Before I died, I knew that I was beyond fixing. So maybe it's the best I'm gone now." She looked over her shoulder and smiled at Victoria. It wasn't a sad smile, nor an angry smile. It was an accepting smile.

Victoria felt the urge to babble more words of protest, but she knew that the other white queen would get annoyed, and so shut her mouth.

"I searched out Macavity. And then I watched, and I watched, and I watched. I watched the Jellicles for so long. Strangely enough, it never became tedious. But I saw that Macavity was in pain. They knew, but they never did anything about it. That's how he came to be so… messed up."

"They?" Victoria hardly realized that she'd reverted back to her questions.

"His father, obviously. That old rag." Alyana sneered hatefully, and Victoria winced. How could anyone hate Old Deuteronomy? But Alyana continued then.

"Anyway… I was beyond fixing, but I could see that Macavity was as well. That's why I so totally believed that we needed each other. I thought that if two broken souls came together, they would form one healed soul." Alyana stiffened slightly as she spoke, but she still kept her face turned away from Victoria.

Victoria snapped a paw over her mouth, and she couldn't prevent tears from spilling from her eyes. There was something in Alyana's story that made Victoria feel utterly heartbroken. Maybe it was how Alyana spoke so adoringly of Macavity… even though he was the very cat who'd killed her.

"And then we found each other. I showed myself to him, and we pretended that he'd never left without me. He seemed so happy… but it didn't last. It wasn't long after that before we found you. And then, you know…"

"He killed you."

"Yes. I blame myself, though. I told him my little theory about why we needed to be together. I think he was frightened; he didn't feel that way about me. I was just someone to keep him company, I suppose. But when I told him about how I was broken and wanted him to save me, to fix me… he found a better way, I suppose. So what he was doing by killing me… was in reality, saving me. He saved me, Victoria."

"Alyana… you can't say that! He's a bad-"

"No, Victoria." Alyana sighed deeply. "No, he's not. He may have been driven mad by his burden… but he's not bad. He wants to be good, believe me, but he can't. He doesn't know how."

"I'm sure that he doesn't want to be good, Alyana…"

"Oh no, I know that he does, Victoria. Because that's why he never fell for me." Alyana sighed again, and finally turned to face Victoria. She was wearing the most terrible, broken smile that Victoria had ever seen. Victoria gasped, her stomach clenching painfully at the very sight of that expression.

"He never fell for me because I was a bad girl, and I never had a hope of healing him."