Forever Until Now
Chapter 18;; Laugh It Away
A flash of red was at her neck, wrapping round, squeezing, constricting, and she couldn't breathe, she couldn't breathe-
Victoria woke up feeling as if her heart was twisting painfully. Her dream lingered in her head with perfect clarity. Alyana's terrible smile kept flashing across her vision – it was as if the memory had been burned into her mind. She moaned and strained to move her paw so she could rub her forehead. But it wouldn't move. She clenched her jaw and a sweat broke out on her forehead, but the only response from her arm was a slight twitch. Groaning, she gave up, and tried to open her eyes. They opened, but it was an effort to even lift her eyelids.
When she saw the flash of red hovering at the edge of her vision, her eyes snapped shut again.
"Are you really that repulsed by me, Victoria?"
"…Y…es…" she rasped, hardly able to speak. Immediately, she felt a breeze as Macavity shifted to stand over her.
"Don't speak," he said, placing a paw over her mouth. She made a horrible choking noise in protest, but she couldn't even struggle to show her anger at his mere touch. "Victoria… just…" He seemed to be struggling to find the right words. "Slow down, Victoria. You're moving too fast…"
"I'm… not… moving…" Victoria gasped out.
"You don't get it!" Macavity yelled, his voice tinged with pain. Victoria opened her eyes to stare warily at him. Even her vision was imperfect – all she could she was a blur of red before her eyes. "How can you understand…?" he whispered, lowing his voice. "I'm sorry, Victoria. I never should have taken you from the Junkyard in the circumstances… I should've waited…" He covered his face with his hands. "Now you're…"
"What's… wrong… with… me…?" Victoria whispered, her eyes glazing over at the pain of effort. Again, Macavity placed a paw over her mouth.
"Don't speak," he growled. "Rest. Close your eyes. You need to recover…" He swore under his breath. Victoria quickly complied, wondering why he was so concerned for her health.
What's wrong with me? What have you done to me? Have you placed some goddamned curse on me? She was afraid to be so rude to him, but in her head, she couldn't cover up her anger. She couldn't pretend.
"No… but it's still my fault, in a way." Again, Victoria heard that pained note in his voice. She was surprised that he didn't get annoyed at her for being so rude to him. Then, she assumed that he knew he deserved it. But still, it was weird. Could it be…?
He may have been driven mad by his burden… but he's not bad. He wants to be good, believe me, but he can't. He doesn't know how.
Was Alyana right? Did he truly want to be good?
"Alyana?" Macavity's voice suddenly turned curious, and Victoria inwardly cursed him for being able to read her every thought. "What about Alyana?"
You're not the one asking questions here.
"…You're right," Macavity agreed reluctantly. "Right, um… ask your questions, then. I'll answer… if I can…"
Victoria felt even more surprised then. He was being really strange. He just wasn't the type to be so docile, so lenient…
"Victoria… stop being shocked and just get it over with," the red tom sighed. Victoria heard the scrape of a chair as he sat by her bedside.
So… do you know what's wrong with me? Victoria's thoughts were tinged with desperation. Am I… going to die? Am I sick…?
"Not sick…" Macavity paused. "Do you remember what happened on the night I took you from the Jellicles?"
You killed Alyana. Victoria winced as Alyana's heartbroken smile flashed before her eyes.
"Before that…"
You…didn't you fight with Plato? Victoria could barely stop herself from thinking, Oh, Plato. She knew it would anger Macavity, even if he was being suspiciously nice. She missed him desperately. He probably didn't care, yet, Victoria still hoped. Why else had he tried to save her?
"Yes. That's exactly what I wanted you to think of." Macavity hesitated then. Macavity hesitating? Had the world gone mad? "Did you… feel something strange during that fight?" His voice was wary, and he was obviously reluctant to tell her the truth.
I remember feeling your power coming off you. I remember seeing both your eyes… shining weirdly…
"That's right. So, you know that I have…powers, right?" Macavity almost snarled the last few words.
Yes. I heard that you can…'dazzle' people. Hypnosis, right? I can only wonder at what other powers you've been granted. You don't even deserve them… Just then, she felt pressure on her throat, and she panicked, her eyes flying open. A flash of red was at her neck, wrapping round, squeezing, constricting, and she couldn't breathe, she couldn't breathe-
The pressure released. Macavity threw himself back against the wall, breathing hard. His yellow eyes were wide and shocked at the realization of what he'd just done. "I'm sorry, Victoria," he gasped.
I… I… Victoria felt numb inside, but her entire neck was throbbing. Every breath she took came as a rasp, and every breath she released was a wheeze. But she needed air, desperately. She stared at the ceiling, focusing on it, ignoring the cat who had almost killed her. She would focus on refilling her lungs, on appreciating the sweetness of the air.
"I'm sorry," Macavity repeated. "I… I didn't mean to."
It was déjà vu.
"VICTORIA LIKES SOMEONE!" Etcetera screamed, jerking Victoria out of her little fantasy. She let out an indignant cry and without thinking about it, slapped Etcetera across the face. Etcetera let out a gasp of shock, and stepped back slowly, whimpering. Victoria's eyes widened in horror, and she fell to her knees in an impossibly graceful way that only made Etcetera blubber and trip over backwards.
"I'm so sorry! I-I didn't mean to!" Victoria mumbled, remorse showing on her face.
That time, Victoria had simply acted on impulse. Etcetera had said something that Victoria hadn't liked, and so Victoria had slapped her. Plain and simple. She realized the same thing had just happened between her and Macavity… only he'd tried an attempt on her life.
I keep forgetting just how dangerous you really are.
"I'm sorry…"
I'll have to be more careful from here on out. And I'm not going to forgive you. Yet. It was strangely satisfying to be able to speak to Macavity as if she were the more powerful one. But Alyana's story kept prodding at her, reminding her that she always had to be very careful with a tom like him.
"I said sorry!" Macavity snapped. "Aren't you meant to forgive me or something?" He raked his claws across the ground. For any other cat, that would've seemed immature. But with Macavity, it was plain scary. Ignoring his frustration, Victoria suddenly saw something in perfect clarity.
You've never said sorry sincerely before in your life, have you?
All she received from Macavity was silence. Silence that hung between them. If Victoria could see clearly, she was sure she'd see him frowning.
It's okay, Macavity. It's difficult, isn't it? I'll forgive you, just this once. That is, if you explain why you tried to hurt me.
She heard him wince audibly. "Thanks, Victoria," he mumbled, the words sounding forced. Victoria suspected he'd never thanked anyone genuinely in his life before either. "It's just… you couldn't understand how much I hate my powers. I wish I was born normal all the time." He quickly stopped as if he'd given away too much. His wistful voice turned hard again. "So I got angry."
Why do you hate them? Victoria was bewildered as to why having powers would be a bad thing.
"You can't understand how painful it can be… magic has a price, just as everything else does. The price isn't worth the magic." He sounded weary. "It forced me to keep my distance from the Jellicles, all the time. I said that I could control myself, and my father-" He emphasized the word contemptuously. "MY father said he'd give me one chance. I stuffed up. I hurt her." He hunched his shoulders and said nothing more.
Who's her?
"None of your business." Victoria realized he was pulling away now, that he was becoming the old Macavity that she hated again. The cruel Macavity. She couldn't let that happen. When he was actually showing emotion and letting down his barriers, she could understand Alyana's reasoning. Besides, she still didn't know what was wrong with her.
Macavity, I won't probe into your privacy… but what's wrong with me?
"Oh." He sounded as if he'd completely forgotten. He probably had. "Basically, our powers clashing – mine and that idiot's – had a very big effect on you. That's why you feel so weak. You're not sick, but…" He trailed off.
But…? She prompted, her stomach clenching. She didn't yet need to know why their powers had affected her. She just needed to know what the 'but' meant.
"Don't worry about it." Macavity's voice was flat. He'd made up his mind not to say anything more.
How can I not worry about it? When you say something like that, I begin thinking that I'm going to die or something! Her thoughts became hysteric – she truly believed that something like that was going to happen.
Macavity released a long breath and stood up. He bent over Victoria, and their eyes locked. "I won't let you die, Victoria," he breathed. He straightened up for a moment, and Victoria stared after him as he moved away. "I'll be back in a bit, alright?" he called over his shoulder as he left. Victoria closed her eyes against the world and tried to simply absorb everything that had happened since she had first woken up.
Yet, it all felt more like a dream than reality.
Etcetera trotted across the Junkyard, her eyes roving about in the hope that she would come across Tugger. It was noon, and if Etcetera had her 'Tugger daily routine' down, he would be sunning right in the main part of the Junkyard where everyone could see him. Etcetera often used to go Tugger-watching at noon, because when he was lounging atop the TSE1, sunlight soaking into his shiny black fur, he looked particularly good.
Of course, Etcetera had fallen out of her old habit. She found over time that her friends weren't as willing to be dragged out to go Tugger-watching every day. And watching him alone, with no one to squeal with just wasn't as fun. Besides, stuff had obviously happened, and now that she had Plato, she neglected Tugger. She almost felt bad.
Just then, her 'Tugger-sense' tingled and she smiled to see him exactly where she'd predicted he'd be, sprawled out across the hood of the TSE1. He was alone, which pleased Etcetera. Sometimes, he'd go sunning with Bombalurina, and she didn't exactly enjoy seeing that. After all, no matter how much she loved Plato, she could never just forget Tugger. Who couldn't love him?
"Tugger!" she called out, approaching him. His eyes flickered open and he eyed her lazily as she bounded towards him rapidly and hopped onto the TSE1.
"Hey, Etcy. I haven't seen my favorite fangirl in a while," he purred, ruffling her headfur. Etcetera squirmed happily and sat beside him.
"Oh, you know. Stuff's happened," she shrugged.
Tugger sighed. Wait, did Tugger just sigh? Nah, Tugger doesn't sigh. Then again, under the circumstances, no one could just go back to being cheerful, not even Tugger. Etcetera had to remember that. It was just… weird. "Yeah, I know what you mean," Tugger said, rubbing his forehead. "Stuff."
Etcetera chuckled nervously. "Um, yeah. Stuff." She spoke the word with a serious tone.
"Mhm. Stuff."
This conversation really isn't going anywhere, Etcetera thought to herself. "Um, moving on," she giggled.
"How've you been?" He flicked her on the shoulder. "Seriously, I haven't seen you in ages. Don't you love me anymore?" He cocked an eyebrow.
"Tugger…" Etcetera solemnly placed a paw on her heart. "I will always love you."
A grin burst out onto Tugger's face, and Etcetera marveled at how impossibly handsome he was. "You're cute," he chuckled. "C'mere." He opened his arms and Etcetera rushed into them. A hug! Since Tugger was a lot bigger than her, she couldn't really return the hug, but it was nice to feel him wrapping his arms around her. She pressed her face into his chest and just enjoyed the moment. Finally he let go, and reluctantly, Etcetera stood back.
"Thanks… I guess I needed that," Etcetera said, smiling faintly. She remembered how Pouncival had told her to smile for Victoria's sake, and her smile widened. Just for you, Vicki.
"I could see that." For once, Tugger wasn't acting with his usual swagger. It threw Etcetera off, and she looked at him curiously. "A hug from the Rum Tum Tugger always helps in a bad situation," he added. It was as if he'd read Etcetera's mind. She laughed, glad that he wasn't being too different.
"Of course," she smiled contentedly.
"So, I've seen you hanging out with that Plato. Is there something between you two?" The look on Tugger's face was almost mischievous. Of course, Tugger was far too mature for that, right?
"I guess so." Etcetera shifted uncomfortably. "Sometimes he's a bit weird, you know? It's because of… her."
"Victoria," Tugger stated easily. "I wouldn't be worried, Etcy. We're all a bit weird after what happened." His eyes darkened slightly then, and Etcetera recoiled in shock. He was being way too weird now.
"Tugger…?" she whispered tentatively, reaching out a paw. He laughed lightly.
"I'm sorry, Etcy. It's just… the thought of Macavity…" He shuddered, paws balling into fists and teeth clenching.
"Why do you hate him so much?" Etcetera was delighted that she didn't even have to bring the subject to Macavity by herself. That way, he wouldn't be suspicious of her.
"Oh, for a lot of reasons." Tugger frowned at fiddled with a few strands of his mane that were out of place. Etcetera watched as he fixed them, and then sighed, knowing she'd have to probe deeper to get any information out of him.
"He was your brother, right?" she murmured. "Why would you hate him?"
"We all hated him right? All of us?" Tugger said absentmindedly, still fiddling with his mane.
"I didn't. Not until he killed Victoria." Tugger glanced at her out of the corner of his eye, his face betraying surprise. "I didn't know him… did you?"
"Of course I knew him." Tugger reluctantly turned to face Etcetera. "And I suppose you want me to tell you…?"
"Please."
"Alright. For you, Etcy. For your dedication." Tugger closed his eyes, obviously recalling some memory. "Munkus, Macavity and I… we were littermates. Brothers. Sons of Deuteronomy and Grizabella, blah blah blah, what an honor to be descended from two cats such as them, and so on. I never understood what was so honorable about it other than my dad being leader. Obviously, she turned out to be anything but honorable." His voice had turned nasty, hostile. Etcetera placed a soothing paw on his shoulder.
"I don't know anything about her either, other than she betrayed us…" Etcetera murmured.
"You're young, Etcy. Course you don't know." Tugger smiled slightly at her. "Anyway, you could say that Macavity was decent back then. He was normal. Pretty nice, really. I admired him. He was to become Jellicle Protector and eventually, leader."
"What?"
"I know, Etcy. It's hard to believe, isn't it? For whatever reason, dad was set on Macavity becoming the next leader. I mean, I just wasn't cut out for it, and Munkus…" Tugger's eyes became distant. "Munkus was too sick."
Etcetera had never heard any of that before. It just showed how little she knew about the Jellicles really. "He was… sick?"
"Yes. He still is." Tugger's voice was troubled. "He keeps it secret, course. Doesn't want anyone to know or to worry about him. Especially not Deme. He keeps saying he'll tell her, but…"
"Wait… how is he sick?"
"I shouldn't be telling you this, Etcetera." Tugger gazed at her, oddly serious. "I promised not to. It's going to come out, eventually, but… he'd rather keep it quiet for now. You could always ask him yourself…?"
Jemima's going to talk to Munkustrap…maybe he'll tell her.
"Anyway, that's unrelated. I probably shouldn't have even mentioned it in the first place." Tugger scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "So, Macavity was set to be leader and all. That was when she died."
"Who's 'she'?" Etcetera blurted out.
"I'm not even sure anymore. I can't think of her name, her face… all I can remember is that she existed. It's the same for everyone. It's as if she's simply been erased from our memories. But somehow, she was important. Dad and Macavity were both really upset when she died. Everything started going wrong then. Macavity started to lose it… I could see it in his eyes. There was a shadow lurking in them. I was… scared of him, I guess."
Etcetera squeezed his shoulder lightly.
"It was the same with my mother, and to some extent, my father. There were a few other cats in the tribe as well. They all changed, Macavity with them. One by one, they just disappeared from the tribe. I had no idea what was going on. It was… a dark time. My mother was one of the last to go. There was a real scene when she left, and… she hurt us. A lot of us." His eye twitched and he reached up one paw to touch a faint scar on his neck. Etcetera gasped in horror.
"Did she…?"
"Don't worry about it, Etcy. That's nothing to what happened with Macavity." Tugger's jaw clenched. "He didn't disappear, unlike the rest. Dad made him stay, and the shadow in his eyes… it kept getting worse. More…" He grasped for the word. "Pronounced. Dad kept saying, 'There's still hope for you, Macavity. You will become the next leader.' But as Macavity became crazier, the more we all doubted it. He began to hide away from others… and when he was with us, he'd always lash out." Tugger ran a paw down his arm, and Etcetera realized that a number of scars had been scored across it. Scars she had always failed to notice.
"Great Bast, Tugger, did he really?"
"Yeah, Etcy," Tugger replied grimly. "He did. My own brother. I guess I got the worst of it. Because Macavity was usually holed up in our den, it was difficult for me to avoid him. He took out most of his anger on me. I never told anyone – I was too frightened of him, of what he'd become. Of course, he got Munkus too, occasionally. Munkus had a clearer head than me, and he spent most of his time in Jelly's den anyway. He needed to be kept under her supervision."
Etcetera found herself growing more and more horrified.
"When Dad found out, he sent Macavity away. He wasn't angry, just sad. And Macavity…he seemed really, really happy. That was about the time when you and your friends were born, Etcy. I never found out where he went, but when he returned, he seemed to have calmed down. I could hardly see the shadow in his eyes. But from then on, he stayed away from the rest of us, and we avoided him out of fear."
"Oh Tugger… how come I never knew before?" Etcetera couldn't believe that she hadn't heard any of Tugger's story before. Then again, it was a terrible one.
"We never told you," he shrugged. He stared out into the Junkyard pensively, almost as if he was expecting Macavity to stalk into the Junkyard and start terrorizing the Jellicles again. "He'll be back," he said under his breath. "He'll be back."
"…Tugger?" Etcetera's voice quavered.
The tom glanced at her. And then he let out a laugh. He laughed it all away.
A/N: …My advice is: NEVER. TRIP. OVER. You'll regret it. Thing is, you start bleeding, and then your tights get stained with blood, and then you go, 'DAMMIT, NO…' Plus it hurts, and you get home and you have to put on a plaster and then you're faced with parents who want to kiss it better and offer no sympathy whatsoever. Kids, if your parents 'kiss it better', it ain't going to magically heal, trust me on this one. It's just their excuse to kiss you in obscure places, m'kay? I'm not implying that your parents are pedos or anything. Yeah, I should end this discussion now.
Anyway, did I get Tugger's personality down? I was worried about him being OOC. Same with Macavity. I hope I'm doing alright here.