A/N: I have to apologize – it's another chapter with the Chardirs. It'll go back to the Jellicles in the next chapter at some point, I promise.

Forever Until Now

Chapter 27;; Sheets of Paper

"You see, all things come with a price, and I don't mean money when I say that. Money is but one form of currency."

Where… where am I?

What's happening to me…?

The light… it's so very bright.

Does this mean… I'm finally going to Heaviside?

"No, Victoria. Something much better than that."

Victoria opened her eyes in wonder. Around her, two white cats and one red stood, all smiling. One of the white queens had a tight grip on her hand.

"I told you I was taking you home," she said teasingly, winking. And then, just like that, her image faded. Victoria blinked, wondering if it was all a dream.

"Alyana…?" she said softly. Her mind was foggy – she was having trouble getting a grip on her thoughts and memories.

"You have her to thank for many things," the red cat said. The remaining white cat narrowed her eyes slightly, but made no comment.

"Thank you, Alyana," Victoria said without really thinking,

You're welcome, kitten.

"I have just seen a wonder occur," the white queen said, reaching out to brush a paw against Victoria's cheek. Victoria stared at her.

"…Who are you?"

The cat sighed. "My name is Meiyina," she said. "I am Princess of the Chardirs."

"It's good to meet you, Meiyina," Victoria replied, offering a smile and shaking Meiyina's paw. Meiyina sighed again, as if in regret.

"You too…"

The red cat chuckled. "Poor Meiyina," he said.

"Oh, be quiet for once, Macavity," Meiyina shot back in a cold voice.

…Macavity…

All at once, everything was rushing back to Victoria. She shot up, eyes wide. "Wh-wh-WHAT?"

"I suppose you remember everything now, huh?" Macavity asked lightly.

"I… I thought I was… dead…" Victoria whispered, shivering. "I thought I was trapped forever in a frozen prison."

"Nope. We brought you home," Macavity smirked.

"Home…" Victoria glanced around. "This doesn't look like the Junkyard… Bast, what the hell? I'm so confused!"

"You have every right to be," Macavity shrugged.

"Begin with where I am right now…what…?" Just then, the medics all entered the den, apparently thinking that the danger had passed. Victoria's eyes swept over the crowd of pure white cats. She almost fainted there and then.

"This is the residence of the Chardirs," Meiyina said grandly. "Welcome, Victoria, to home."

"H-home? My home is the Junkyard!" Victoria spat.

"You were not born there," Meiyina said, offering a smile. "You were born here and taken there."

"N-no… that's impossible…" Victoria's breaths rasped in and out quick and shallow. She clutched at the empty air, eyes glancing back and forth between all the white cats. "Jellylorum and Asparagus are my mother and father-"

"No, Victoria. Your true mother and father reside here. No doubt, in time, you will meet them." Meiyina was still smiling as if everything was normal. Macavity gave a low chuckle, and Victoria sent him a dark glare.

"That can't be true," Victoria argued. "No way! And why the hell is everyone…white?"

"You're white," Macavity pointed out with a knowing smile.

"Ugh. That's not what I meant! Everyone knows that white cats are rare – a birth of a white cat is a cause for great celebration!"

"Well, in that case," Meiyina said offhandedly, "We would have to celebrate the birth of every kitten in our tribe."

"…This is stupid," Victoria said, wrapping her arms around herself and staring at her knees. She couldn't, wouldn't comprehend what these cats were telling her. They were wrong.

Macavity touched Victoria lightly on the shoulder – several of the medics gasped and Meiyina visibly flinched. "Oh, come off it," Macavity told them. Turning to Victoria, he went on. "Victoria, maybe our claims will be more believable if I show you… this."

"Mother, where am I? Is this the 'Junkyard'?" Victoria asked, wonder in her eyes as she glanced back and forth. It was so very different from home! Home was clean and crisp…the Junkyard had an air of excitement and roughness, yet at the same time, it was very comforting.

"Yes, baby. It is." Mother followed behind. There was a strange look in her eyes, one Victoria didn't recognize, but she made nothing of it. She was far too intrigued by the Junkyard. It was so, so big…and it was just a little, eensy bit frightening for Victoria.

"It's very big…" she admitted to Mother, her worry showing in her voice. What if she got lost? But she had Mother, so it was okay. Mother would keep her safe, because she loved her. She said it many times to Victoria as if she was afraid that she was going to forget it, but Victoria always remembered, no matter what.

"I know, baby. But it is a safe place," Mother soothed.

"I'm a little bit nervous," Victoria whispered as they passed two huge heaps of junk. She imagined clambering to the top of one – she would be so high up! But she wouldn't, because she might fall and dirty her fur.

"It's okay, my love. Everything will be alright," Mother reassured her, pulling her into a tight embrace. "Now, darling, look into my eyes."

"Yes, Mother," Victoria responded eagerly. She loved when Mother told her to look into her eyes because she always told Victoria very important things.

"Love, be strong. Always. Hold yourself with dignity, and be courteous. Remember, you're beautiful, and I want you to be lovely for Mother. Okay?" Mother touched a paw to Victoria's cheek and smiled sadly.

"Yes, Mother!" Victoria agreed happily. Her Mother was such a lovely, beautiful queen. Victoria wanted to be just like her. "Of course!...But why are you telling me this?"

"Darling…" Mother's voice began to sound strained. Victoria blinked, bewildered. "Darling, I need to go for a little bit, but I'd like you to stay here. A friend of mine will arrive in a moment, so you won't be alone."

"Will you be back?" Victoria asked, fear welling in her eyes. What if she got lost? What if Mother never came back and she had to sleep on the ground and get her fur dirty? Victoria resolved that no matter what, she needed to find a place to rest and keep her fur purest white.

"Of course," Mother replied quietly, so quietly that Victoria could hardly hear her. But it was enough to satisfy Victoria. She delicately made her way towards a rag that would serve as a place to lie down.

"Okay! I'll be waiting!" Victoria promised, clasping her hands together and smiling brightly. Mother bit her lip and ran forward to plant several kisses on her daughter's forehead.

"Thank you…" Mother said, her voice choked. Her eyes were filling with tears, but she turned away before Victoria could see. Before she lost her nerve, she forced herself to walk briskly away.

Victoria stared at the ground. She had to stare anywhere but at the cats gathered around her.

"What the hell?" she whispered forlornly to the earth. "What is this… ? My entire life… it's a lie." She felt hollow, betrayed.

"Victoria…"

"My mother… she never came back for me… and I never waited. We broke our promises." Victoria's fists clenched and she squeezed her eyes tight shut. Tears welled up and escaped from beneath her eyelids. "What the hell? Why?"

"There are a lot of things you don't know about yourself, Victoria," Macavity told her. "I think it's almost time you learned."

Victoria put her face in her hands. She was shaking with tears. "Dammit, why? Why has no one told me anything? Why was I left with the Jellicles? Why can't I remember anything about the true me? Why?"

"I understand that you are troubled, Victoria," Meiyina said, "But we would appreciate if you would give us time to put together a proper explanation." She sent Macavity a glare. "I am afraid that no matter what we say, we will sound guilty. Please… do not hold it against us."

"What, after abandoning me you're asking for forgiveness?" Victoria snapped.

"Victoria… it is the way of the Chardirs. Many leave us forever. Of course, your circumstances are different. Never has a Chardir returned to us after leaving." Meiyina bit her lip.

"…Why?" Victoria asked softly.

"Their memories are usually erased, just as yours were. It is for the best. It makes the parting easier," Meiyina explained bluntly.

"Who… who could do such a thing?" But Victoria already knew the answer. He was right in front of her, after all.

"Magic cats," Meiyina answered calmly. "Cats such as Macavity are asked to perform the deed."

Victoria averted her eyes from the red cat, hissing under her breath.

"I'm sorry, Victoria," Macavity said, his voice annoyingly pleasant. "Old Deuteronomy asked me to do it. I couldn't refuse him."

"But why?" Victoria burst out, well aware that she was asking yet another question. "Why would you take me to the Jellicles in the first place?"

Meiyina sighed. "Now that is the crux of the matter…" She glanced around at the group of medics standing around and sighed again. "Come on, I need to find the queen. Medics, you are no longer needed here. Give Victoria some time to think – I am sure she will appreciate that." She offered Victoria a rare smile, but Victoria chose not to return it. The white cats slowly dispersed from the den. One cat, however, stayed.

Macavity leant back against the wall of the den and smiled lazily at Victoria. She stared at him coldly, wondering when he was going to leave. "You going?" she asked finally, bothered by his presence.

"I'm quite comfortable here," Macavity shrugged, eyes glinting. Victoria's eyes narrowed.

"Like Meiyina said, I really would appreciate being alone," she spat.

"Pretend I'm not here. Look – you can hardly see me anymore, can you?" Macavity's red shape began to fade until Victoria had to squint to see it.

"H-how are you doing that?"

"What do you think?" came Macavity's mocking voice.

"Magic," Victoria said resignedly. "So that's how you stayed so out of the way in the Junkyard. That's why we never saw you…"

"You got it," Macavity said simply.

They both remained silent after that. Victoria decided it wasn't worth arguing with Macavity to make him leave the den. And she could barely even tell he was there anyway. Before long, she really did begin to forget he was there.

"Mother…where are you?" she whispered, staring at the ceiling. "Why did you leave me there, alone? You loved me, right? So…why?" She was crying again – she couldn't stop herself. The single memory she had of the beautiful white queen wasn't enough. She needed more. "You didn't truly love me…did you? But I did love you…"

Victoria took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. The sobbing continued though, heaving unpleasantly in her chest. All of a sudden, she was seeing life in a different perspective. Jellylorum and Asparagus weren't her parents. Etcetera wasn't her sister. The Jellicles… they weren't her family. She didn't fit in. She was an outcast… just like Macavity.

Did she even want to go back anymore?

No… all she wanted was her mother's love. She needed to know why.

"Shh. Calm yourself." Victoria started – all of a sudden, Macavity was in full view again. His eyes soft, he crept closer to her.

"Do you know?" Victoria asked miserably. She knew that he knew what she meant. After all, he always knew the contents of her mind.

"Yeah," Macavity sighed. "And I wish I wasn't mixed up in it all, okay? I'm sorry. I guess…it's all my fault."

"Huh?"

Macavity sat on the end of Victoria's bed and lowered his eyes to the ground. "I'm not sure Meiyina would appreciate me telling you anything right now… but I can show you something. Something that might cheer you up."

"Why would you do that? You're Macavity… you love seeing my pain," Victoria sniffed, rubbing away the tears.

Macavity's eyes flashed. "If that's your impression of me, you're very mistaken."

"But… you're Macavity…" She stared at him indecisively and he stared back with his frustrated golden eyes.

"I hate that," he snapped. "I'm Macavity so I'm not allowed to care about anything-" He cut himself off suddenly, cursing.

Victoria stared at him, wide-eyed. "Oh!" she said in barely more than a whisper, her cheeks flushed bright pink.

"Fuck you," he muttered under his breath, turning away. He didn't leave, though. Instead, he offered her a paw, his back still turned on her. Biting her lip, Victoria touched a finger to his palm.

"Come on, love. Just one step," cooed the Queen's voice.

Macavity watched on as a tiny kitten took a tiny, tentative step out of the den. She turned her humongous, blue kitten eyes to the sky and stared.

"What do you think, Victoria?" the Queen asked, reaching out to cradle her kitten in her slender arms. "It's worth the trouble, isn't it, love?"

Watching them, Macavity couldn't help but smile. Maybe there was some decency in this place after all. That was when he felt a touch on his arm. He plastered a smirk over the warm look on his face and turned round to meet a pair of vivid, forest-green eyes.

Only days had passed and Victoria the kitten was eager to rush about and explore her entire home. The Queen let her do as she wished; she couldn't resist Victoria's big blue eyes. And so he stood back and watched as the Queen dutifully followed her kitten around. It was as if the rest of the litter had been forgotten – they'd been sent to live with a few nursemaids. It seemed a little unfair, but the Queen had found her favorite and cared little for the rest.

"Where are you going, love?" the Queen laughed, daintily stepping after the kitten.

"Oh, Mother," Victoria gasped. "Do you see these?"

"It is the garden – we grow flowers here," the Queen purred, delicately seating herself before a small array of almost iridescent flowers. Of course, there was a reason why they glowed with such vibrant color – magic.

"Why?" Victoria's voice was filled with a kitten's curiosity.

"Merely for pleasure, my love." The Queen gave a tinkling laugh. "Would you like to take one home?"

"Oh, yes! Can I?" Victoria asked eagerly, eyes wide as saucers.

"Of course, my love. Whatever my princess wants, she gets," the Queen said. "Now, which one would you like?"

"Now, now… you never made promises like that to me!" Seemingly out of nowhere, another cat appeared. She was barely past her kitten-hood stages, yet she acted as haughty as a full-grown queen. Her green eyes sparkled with amusement.

From where he was watching, Macavity smirked. Things always got more interesting when Alyana was around.

The Queen just shrugged. "You weren't worthy. Still aren't."

Alyana gave a laugh identical to her mother's. It was easy to see that they were related – they shared the same tinkling laugh, the same smile, eyes and attitude. On the most part, anyway. "You and your favorites, Mother," she said, shrugging. "Anyway, wouldn't it be, well, cordial if you asked the owner of those flowers before just making off with them?"

"Ha… you got me," the Queen chuckled. "Victoria, ask your big sister nicely."

"May I have a flower, please?" Victoria asked sweetly, her eyes wide and appealing.

Alyana's lips twisted into a grin. "Nope."

Victoria's face fell. She bit her lip, tears welling up in her eyes. Then she ran, stumbling unsteadily as she did so. After all, she'd never run before.

The Queen whirled round and glared at Alyana. "What was that for?" she spat.

Alyana shrugged. "They're my flowers, Mother. I grew them, nurtured them. They're very special to me." But when she looked up to see Victoria disappearing round a corner, there was a flicker of guilt in her eyes.

"Don't you EVER upset my baby again," the Queen hissed, hackles rising. Before Alyana could do anything, the Queen rushed off after the fleeing kitten.

"Damn," Alyana mumbled. "I didn't think THAT would happen. I hate it when Mother gets mad…"

Macavity emerged and came up behind her. "You shoulda given her a flower," he said, sighing.

"Macavity… I couldn't. They're mine," Alyana argued. "Yours and mine. We worked to create them. I'm not giving them up for ANYTHING."

"Still," Macavity said. "You really upset your baby sister just then. You ought to make it up to her, no?"

"I guess I should," Alyana said indecisively. "I'll make it up to her somehow."

"Good girl," Macavity laughed, patting her on the back. She whipped round to face him, a seductive smile glowing on her face.

"But I'm not worrying right now," she grinned. "Maybe later."

"No! You can't take my baby away from me!" The Queen's eyes were frantic. She glared down at Macavity, who just shrugged.

"You heard what the King said," he drawled. "He's the top-ranking cat. No one may disobey his orders, not even his mate."

She gave a low hiss. "I don't care what my mate thinks. Victoria… I will NOT allow her to go and live among riff-raff."

"The Jellicles aren't riff-raff," Macavity said calmly. "Without tribes like us, you lot wouldn't be half as successful."

"But…" The Queen slumped, knowing she was beaten. "At least let me be the one to take her there," she begged. "Please."

Macavity gave this some thought. "Ask the King," he said finally, sighing. "But it's okay with me."

Victoria opened her eyes and realized that her fingers were clenched around Macavity's hand. Coughing slightly, she loosened her hold.

"She loved you, Victoria," Macavity said. "And she still does."

"Th-thank you, Macavity." Tentatively, Victoria squeezed his hand. It was rough and callused – what from, Victoria didn't dare imagine. He released her hand as Meiyina re-entered the den, closely followed by –

"Mother!" Victoria squeaked.

The Queen rushed forward and embraced Victoria for a long time. Finally, she looked over to Macavity and mouthed two words. Thank you. He nodded, smiling slightly.

"I'm so happy that you remember me," the Queen cooed, rocking Victoria back and forth. Meiyina sighed impatiently.

"Griddlebone, can we please move on? I would like to get this out of the way as soon as possible," she said curtly.

The Queen – or rather, Griddlebone – stepped back and eyed Meiyina sternly. "Whatever." Her tone changed drastically. It turned harsh and cold. "Victoria…y ou've earned yourself an explanation." And just like that, her voice was warm and sweet once more.

"I know," Victoria said.

"All right," Griddlebone sighed. "Let's start from the very beginning. You see, the Chardirs are a very special tribe of cats. It all lies in… our coloring."

"White?"

"Pure white." Griddlebone said this almost grimly. "It's a gene that runs through our blood. Not once has one of our kind ever been any other color. And… it is our defining trait. It is the reason we are such a successful tribe. Before I go on… Victoria, do you understand magic cats?"

"Um… they have magic, like Macavity, right?" Victoria said, tilting her head to one side. It made her so happy to speak to her mother…

On the side, Macavity's eyes darkened.

"That isn't all. They pay dearly for their talents, my love. You see, all things come with a price, and I don't mean money when I say that. Money is but one form of currency." She laughed, as if at an inside joke. "Magic is a very powerful thing – too much of it can easily kill. All cats have it, but those we call 'normal' have it in very small amounts. It is not enough to destroy them. However… magic cats are very different. They possess dangerously large amounts of magic. While they are young, they are able to handle it. Usually they are admired, loved."

This made Victoria think of Misto – all the Jellicles loved him. His magic was amazing.

"But it comes at a price. We are only cats, and magic is far more powerful than any cat. In their adulthood, magic cats find their minds and bodies deteriorating. Their magic begins to consume them."

Victoria glanced over at Macavity, wide-eyed. He smiled darkly.

"There is, however, a way to prevent this. And that's where we Chardirs come in." Griddlebone gave a deep sigh. "Being pure white… we're like sheets of paper, untainted by ink. We contain no magic, my love. We are lucky. But a long time ago, cats started coming to us… half mad cats. There was one Chardir who befriended one of these cats. The tribe refused to let her near him, but he offered them a gift in return for her company. She calmed him, made him feel sane. He offered the tribe a gift of great magic… and they couldn't refuse."

Victoria suddenly began to feel herself understanding why she'd been sent to the Jellicles.

"Before long, other cats were coming to us, offering gifts and pleading. That was when our business started… our business of selling off our own kittens to magic cats. You see, Victoria, we are the only hope for them. Being white, we sort of absorb the terrible effects of their magic. We take it into our pure bodies, and the magic cats live long, happy lives. But… of course, it cannot be perfect. There is no such thing as a perfect solution. We white cats… we don't live long lives as a result of the pressure placed upon us. Most of us end up dying extremely young. For instance… you." Griddlebone's fists clenched and Victoria's mouth went dry.

"So… you sold me off to the Jellicles to save them? Misto… Plato… Macavity…" Her voice was shaky. "I… I understand. But…why me? Mother, I thought you loved me!"

"I'm so sorry, Victoria, so sorry. But it was orders. You were their choice."

"Couldn't you have refused? Surely I'm… better. Surely I should've stayed here!" Victoria's claws slid out in her frustration.

"I'm not sure I like that tone," Macavity muttered under his breath.

"They offered us… an amazing gift. Incredible magic." Meiyina finally spoke up, shaking her head. "My father could not refuse it. I have no idea where you came upon this magic, Macavity, but…"

"It's magic so powerful that the owner of it was hell to be birthed. She put the mother through agony, that kitten. That magic… it's life," Macavity said quietly. He indicated the jar placed in the corner of the room. "It was used in an attempt to give new life to you, Victoria. As you can see, it worked just as we thought it would."

Victoria goggled at him. "Life? It… it brought me back to life? Whose magic-"

"And I suppose now you're just going to lock it away again…" Macavity said almost resentfully.

"It is too valuable to waste," Meiyina said.

Victoria sighed. They obviously weren't going to answer any more of her questions. Suddenly, her head snapped up. "Hold on a moment," she said. "Alyana… she was meant to go to the Jellicles!"

Both Meiyina and Griddlebone flinched at the sound of her name.

Victoria remembered clearly the time when Alyana had told her about her past with Macavity. Only now did she truly understand it.

"Anyway, we made plans. My family… arranged… for us to leave together and return to the Jellicles." Upon hearing Victoria's gasp, Alyana let out a sad laugh. "Oh yes, Victoria. I was meant to become a Jellicle. I was meant to be great among the greatest tribe known in the city. I was meant to accomplish so much more than I did…"

"It turned out differently," Macavity said shortly. "We chose you instead, Victoria – aren't you proud?"

Victoria shook her head. "I'm sad," she whispered. "I'm sad for me and sad for Alyana. She was eager to leave – don't you remember? She was so happy to have the opportunity to leave her home with the tom she loved." Macavity gritted his teeth. "And me… I was happy here. In my true home." She hung her head. "With my true mother."

"Victoria, you don't understand the half of it," Macavity growled. "If I'd allowed Alyana to truly love me, things would've ended badly. I… I don't deserve to love anyone. No magic cat does."

"But she did truly love you," Victoria said quietly.

The wind rustled through the room, seemingly whispering to them. Victoria caught a hazy voice on the breeze. And I still do.

Back at the Junkyard, Electra and Plato muttered together while Misto hunched against a wall, eyes rolled back in his head and mouth hanging slightly open. Suddenly, he jolted up, eyes wide.

"I got him," he said, excitement in his voice. "I found Macavity!"

A/N: Griddlebone seems a strange choice, doesn't it? She'll be given a tiny bit of backstory later on.

100,000 words! Oh wow, this is turning out a lot longer than I planned. Would you believe that this was a side project and I wrote a note saying 'Keep it short'?