Chapter V: Tell Me It Won't Always Be This Hard
When she had held the paper, her mind whirled at the words written upon it. The words summoned her to an Umbrella conference in America held for many important figures within the company's employ. This of course included various head researchers of important Umbrella facilities. Did that mean that Dr. Birkin would be there? Even once she arrived at the glamorous hotel the next month, all she could do was gaze around the lobby with subtle frantic fervour for the face she knew better than her own. But at the time she could not see any familiarity among the sea of strangers. With a silent disappointed huff, Alexia and her father checked into their separate rooms.
Alexia blocked out her father's meaningless chatter as the elevator ascended, her thoughts focused solely on the only important person in her world. Once the doors for the moving compartment opened, she immediately went into the direction of her room, ignoring her father's quick farewell. She reached her room easily and paid no attention to the bellhop, dismissing him without a word once all her luggage was settled. And the moment she was left alone, she allowed herself to collapse upon the bed as her mind began to race. This is it. This is the chance I've waited for these past few years. Those years spent in daydreams and hypothetical situations that played out in her mind were about to finally become reality. She already knew how to act, what to say, and how to carry herself. She would not let anything ruin this chance for her.
A glance over at the clock located in the room told her it was time to go to sleep. Not that she minded, of course. In fact, tomorrow seemed like it couldn't arrive fast enough. She prepared for bed and climbed beneath the comforters that were perfect for the cool spring weather. But once she settled into the bed, she found her eyes would not stay closed, and her body was not yet ready to fall asleep. All the excitement that had slowly built up over the past four years was finally starting to manifest itself physically and, as sure and confident as she felt about the imminent meeting, her stomach began to knot up with nervousness. At the same time, her lips refused to pull down from the almost painful smile they were stretching themselves into, she nearly felt like giggling.
I have to stop acting so stupid and girlish. It will only result in a lack of much needed sleep thus making myself irritated and easily angered. I do not want Dr. Birkin to see that side of me. She chided herself, trying to regain control over her incredible happiness. For now, close your eyes, go to sleep, and in the morning you can be as excited as you wish. Alexia did just as she instructed herself and drifted off into joyous dreams.
The next morning, Alexia woke up earlier than she had intended. The sun hadn't even risen yet, but faint light glowed from the window. With a small stretch, the girl rose from her bed and looked out her window only to see rain falling lightly upon the streets. It created a dreary atmosphere, but regardless of the delicate precipitation, her own mood was not dampened in the slightest. With a small smile to herself, she began to get ready for her day.
Searching through her luggage, she eventually found the outfit she had picked specifically for this day. The main article of clothing was a simple dress that was a sweet shade of light pink. The light polyester fabric was lined with black piping and frills sparsely decorating the hems. Accompanying the garment were a pair of fancy little socks and black Mary Janes. With the dress in hand, Alexia went and stood before the full body mirror, visualizing how she would look once she was finished preparing herself for the day. But the girl was already aware of how she would appear. In the weeks before the conference, Alexia had spent much time in selecting a suitable ensemble and had even put it upon herself to learn to curl her own hair. She had burned herself quite a few times but she was certain that it was worth it. She had promised herself that she would do whatever was necessary to look like a goddess before Dr. Birkin.
Giving herself a self-assured smile, she went off to the bathroom to continue to get ready. Once she had done all the essential hygienic demands of her morning routine, she did everything in her power to appear as beautiful as possible. She grabbed her choker and a black ribbon before returning to the large mirror. Securing the choker around her neck and tying the ribbon around her head, allowing her silky curls fall softly onto her shoulders, she looked at the hard work that produced the perfect reflection before her. She gazed at herself from as many angles as possible before she gave a final nod and gathered some papers then left.
She casually walked down the warmly lit halls, lined with ornate wallpaper and expensive carpet. Once she reached the elevator, she was only one of the many to board it. More people had joined the group on the elevator as it made its way to the main floor. She had expected there would be so many people bustling about, getting ready for the meeting. It was only about an hour away. However, she noted to herself, that she had nothing of importance to see to until then. As the elevator doors opened on the third floor, and she as wandered into the foyer, Alexia wondered how she could spend her time. Well, I suppose there must be something I can spend time doing until the conference. Just as her mind finished that thought, her eyes locked onto one lone figure.
William Birkin.
The girl had become frozen to the spot as she stared with wide, unmoving eyes. Her heart had skipped a beat then immediately started beating faster and faster, until she felt it would explode. All the sounds that floated about the foyer were drowned out by the sound of her blood pounding in her ears. She attempted to calm herself, but she couldn't rid herself of the rush of energy, which caused her body to tremble lightly. You must go introduce yourself. She told herself, but she was completely rooted to the spot, her gaze transfixed on the young man. The young genius just kept commanding herself the same demand and soon started walking slowly, like a baby taking its first steps.
Slowly counting the number of steps she took towards the man, she found she was dreading the dwindling space between them, suddenly overcome with nervousness. Do not worry… seven… This is simple… eight… No need to be uneasy… nine… She continued that train of thought and before she knew it, she stood right before him. However, he didn't seem to pay her any mind as his perfect blue eyes skimmed idly over the notes held in his hands. This was both offending to Alexia and relieving at the same time. After one final deep breath, the girl made her presence known. "Hello. You must be Dr. Birkin." She greeted in a voice that mirrored the confidence she felt the night before, but in that moment she seemed void of all that previous certainty.
The scientist finally looked up from the scrawled words and his gaze settled on the girl. Alexia suddenly felt a little ridiculous in her outfit, thinking that it made her look more like a doll than the intellectual girl she was. She quickly pushed that thought from her mind, not wanting any distraction to avert her attention from the man in front of her. She stuck out her hand, ready to shake his hand, her other hand tightening into a fist as she tried to will away the light shaking that still plagued her.
He regarded her for a moment, feeling as if he recognized her but he couldn't place in his mind exactly who she was. He grasped her small hand with his own, doing so almost cautiously. He continued to analyze her carefully, still feeling as if he should know her but was certain he had never met the girl in his life. But then it all became clear, and that deep, dark hatred crawled from the depths of his soul, as soon as she said, "I am Alexia Ashford." She continued to speak after that, saying the usual niceties that followed an introduction. But William didn't bother to listen to the words as he abruptly released her hand, unconsciously taking a small step away from her. He settled a powerful and unshakeable glare upon the young girl, feeling repulsed just by knowing she existed in the same world as him.
A thick silence descended upon them both as Alexia gazed up at him with blindly adoring eyes, waiting for him to say something, while he continued to glare at her with uncontrollable contempt. As a sense of foreign awkwardness settled on the child, she began to feel on odd light burning sensation spread across her face. She very much did not want to blush; she didn't want to look like a ridiculous little girl. You must start a conversation. Otherwise, it seems that he will not talk. She waited another tense moment or two before she opened her mouth to speak again. "Did you like the gift I sent to you?"
William furrowed his brow in slight confusion and said, "Gift?" Even though it was only one single word, to hear his voice for just that brief moment made a gentle smile place itself upon her features. She quickly composed herself once again before she nodded in affirmation. However, the man was still confused and was trying in vain to remember such a present. But still he could not recall anything. "What gift?"
Alexia once again felt affronted. She hadn't sent the Christmas present that many months ago. Well, he was not personally acquainted with me at the time so perhaps that is why he cannot remember. She assured herself silently. "I sent you a present around the Christmas season." She explained. "Did you receive it?"
William looked down at the package with slight curiosity but that dissipated into disgust as his gaze landed on the letter attached to the small box. The address showed that it arrived from Ashford territory, which he had absolutely no interest in. Scoffing lightly, he threw it down on the table carelessly and returned to his work. A blond woman a few years older than William stood next to him, she wasn't exactly surprised to see his reaction. "Aren't you curious to see what's in the box?" Annette questioned, picking up the box and peering at it inquisitively.
"No." He responded with a detached firmness to his voice. "It'd be a of my waste of time. Just go throw it out."
"All right." She replied with a light shrug. She left the room silently, still curious as to what would be in the box. She stopped walking for a moment, just staring at the brown package paper. Well, if I'm throwing this away anyway… might as well look… Detaching the letter, she ripped open the paper covering the box and carefully opened the small box. Inside sat a beautiful large golden locket. Wow… this is beautiful… why would someone send something like this to William? She wondered as she stared at the gleaming item.
She set the box down on a nearby table and opened up the letter, letting her eyes scan over the words. It was distant yet polite but at the same time there was a certain quality that she couldn't quite discern what it was. But whatever it was, she really didn't like it. She picked up the necklace and tossed the letter in the box. She examined the piece of jewelry, opening it and soon discovered its little hiding place inside. No point in throwing this away. I'm sure William won't mind if I keep it.
"Yes, I did get it." He replied with a coldness in his voice that matched the frozen temperatures of the Antarctic. Now that she was talking about the whole affair, he was certain that she was the one that sent him the package.
"I really… sincerely hope… you liked it." She hated how she was acting. Alexia Ashford was not one to stumble over her own words. Alexia Ashford did not avert her gaze shyly when speaking to someone. Alexia Ashford certainly did not blush furiously at the simple action of talking to any person. This is ridiculous. Look back up and stop acting this way immediately!
But before she could do as she commanded of herself, William answered with loathing swimming happily in every syllable, "I didn't." Then just simply walked away not uttering another word. Alexia didn't even let her gaze follow him as he stalked away, instead her eyes were fixed straight ahead of her though she was staring at nothing. All her boundless joy suddenly left her after the utterance of such a simple statement. She felt cold; lonely; a hollow shell of a little girl. She felt as if she should cry or yell out in anger but she simply stood there, immobilized by shock. How could her imagination have led her so astray as to show her the opposite of her dreams in the reality she had just experienced?
Immediately her mind rushed to do damage control on her hurt pride and wounded affections. No, everything is perfectly all right. She reasoned to herself, her mental voice sounding metallic and foreign. It was my own hubris that brought this upon me. Why would I ever think that he would want such a feminine gift? I suppose I thought the fact that it a gift from myself was all that he would care about. I must make an effort in the future to procure a present that he would genuinely cherish. She gave a small nod to herself as if to cement the words in her mind. The shock left and she was once again the smitten girl she had been when she entered the room. Instead of her previous thoughts, she let her mind become preoccupied with girlish thoughts of how she actually saw and spoke with William Birkin. Not to mention the fact that she also shook his hand.
However, she was not allowed to dwell on those thoughts long before she heard her father's unfortunately familiar voice greeting her. She barely paid any attention to the words he spoke to her but from what she gathered she had about a quarter of an hour to prepare for the speech she was to give on the results she had so far of her current project. She simply nodded her head every now and then in a mechanical manner before following him to the conference room located in the hotel. When they entered, there were already a few people occupying some chairs amidst the sea of vacant seats filling the bright, spacious room.
Alexia and her father took two seats near the small stage situated with a microphone-equipped podium. While her father blathered on about unimportant matters, the girl ignored him and the noise around her, instead concentrating on her perfect handwriting that decorated the paper in her small hands. However, she found this to be a pointless endeavour. She had already memorized all the words written upon the page. She had no reason to write the script in the first place. She had been working on her little enterprise with endless ardour and thus knew everything about the virus purely from memory. But she reasoned with herself that it was better to spend time doing something falsely productive than to continue with her love-struck thoughts.
After some time passed, the previously empty seats soon had people sitting upon them and the dull murmur of many voices filled the room. As it became mere minutes before the conference began, Alexia had to exercise great self-control to keep herself from turning around in her chair and searching the crowd of faces for the one she adored more than any other. Even if I found him among these people, she thought, I would just gawk at him. Regardless of my feelings, it is quite rude to stare. I just need to concentrate on my speech.
Soon an elderly gentleman, who Alexia found herself unfamiliar with, strode upon the stage and stopped in front of the podium. The constant hum of chatter quickly dissipated as each person in the room noticed the man standing there, waiting for the attention of the crowd. Once the noise of the murmurs died away the man smiled at the crowd. It wasn't warm, it wasn't even politely welcoming. No, it was just cold and empty, the selfish greedy gleam in the man's eyes did nothing to better his unpleasant countenance. However, without saying a single word, the man managed to convey a definite and absolute sense of authority over the entire room.
When the man finally did open his mouth to speak, Alexia recognized the voice instantly. She didn't even catch his quick introduction. But it did not really matter since she knew without a doubt that the man was Ozwell E. Spencer, head of the Umbrella Corporation. She had only spoken with him once, when she had first gotten her position as head researcher of the Antarctic lab. But there was no mistaking that voice, it was distinct in that the man's tone (even over the phone) seemed to seep with power.
But she wasn't allowed much time to dwell on her thoughts because before she knew it, she was formally introduced and called to the stage. She got up from her chair and smoothed out the creases in her doll-like dress before making her way up the few stairs until she was on the raised platform. A security guard near the stage was instructed by Spencer to place a small stool in front of the podium. Alexia waited patiently, feeling slightly embarrassed by needing the assisting height. Strangely, she also felt somewhat proud. After all, the little black pedestal was a symbol of the fact that she was still a child yet she was vastly more intelligent than anyone else in the entire room.
With her usual calm, cool, and detached smile, she looked out towards the crowd and placed her papers upon the podium. Suddenly, as if her vision was equipped with some sort of homing device, her eyes landed upon the displeased face of William. She froze just as she had when she first saw the man in the lobby and her mind drowned itself in the sight, losing all sense of reality. A tangible and dreadful silence filled the room as soon as Alexia realized she couldn't remember a single aspect of her presentation. Not a syllable she knew would come to her lips to begin the explanation and a momentary look of surprise covered her face.
Everything is fine. She reassured herself, trying to quell the brief panic. Just consult your notes. She was silently thankful she had brought them in the first place. She looked down to the papers and read over the words written in the first sentence. But they made no sense at all! The typed words might as well have been the indecipherable scribbles of a toddler. Her vast vocabulary and understanding of each definition escaped her entirely. She became flustered once again as she tried in vain to once again grasp her expansive knowledge. But with every attempt she came up blank.
After a few minutes of the awkward absence of her voice, her face became a colour closely resembling the hue of a tomato, and she found herself fidgeting nervously (an awful habit she never allowed of herself). Even her breathing seemed to be affected; she was inhaling heavily and exhaling with a slightly quicker speed than was normal. She wasn't anywhere near hyperventilating but in Alexia's muddled mind, she figured she more or less was doing so. She couldn't even summon any encouraging thoughts to get her through the mess her infatuated heart had created. She looked up to the crowd again, but all she saw was William. Even from where she stood, she could see him laughing quietly with satisfaction painted all over his face. Alexia couldn't understand why that was, but regardless, she could feel a distant pain.
The girl had never before been afraid of looking like a fool in front of many people, simply because the thought of being frightened by such a thing never occurred to her. She had thought it would never be a thing to plague someone like herself. But suddenly faced with it, she had three options as every other person does when scared by something. Fight, flight, or fright. She decided to go with the second option, as cowardly as she knew it was. She could feel the alien feeling of self-loathing capture her completely as she ran from the podium to the edge of the stage, down the few steps, and through a set of doors located to the right of the platform. She didn't stop until she reached the elevator doors, which quickly opened after she pushed the button to request the lift.
She stood solitary in the dark elevator, her previous irregular breathing making her short run a little more taxing than it usually would be, mentally berating herself endlessly. Never in her entire life had she been more ashamed of herself. She wasn't even entirely sure of what to do. All she knew was that she needed to get back to her room and not come out until she was confident in herself once again.
The doors opened on her floor and she rushed immediately to her room. All she did was simply sit down on a chair in front of the full-length mirror. Alexia looked at her reflection for a few moments, she thought she still looked rather frazzled. Taking in her appearance, Alexia couldn't help but think about how foolish and childish she must've looked on that stage. Half of her mind wondered what her colleagues may have been saying about her, the other half had no interest in knowing.
With a small sigh, Alexia took the black ribbon from her hair, releasing her curls from the hold of the piece of fabric. Never before had the girl wished that she didn't exist, but at that moment she prayed for such a thing to become reality.
Hours passed and Alexia found herself in a new and exquisite little blue gown in the hall she had fled previously, which was now furnished as a dining hall. The genius had been against attending as first, simply wanting to lock herself up in her room until all other Umbrella employees left. But she managed to reason with herself that if she did that she would most likely never see her beloved William again. She had absolutely no desire to let his last memory her be her great embarrassment from earlier that day.
The room was filled with warm light and elegantly decorated tables, the second movement of Vivaldi's Spring from The Four Seasons floated through the air from its point of origin with the small group of musicians settled across the room. While most of the tables in the room had about six people sitting at each, some people seemed to be missing from several. The only table that stood out was the table seating her father, Spencer, and another man who Alexia wasn't completely familiar with but remembering some of her father's ramblings, she assumed the man to be James Marcus.
After peering at a few tables, she learned that the seats were assigned, so she began to search for her own name printed in neat black letters that stood out against the white paper and equally white tablecloth. As she continued her hunt for her place card, her vision once again caught sight of William. He stared absently at something next to him on the table as he spoke to his colleague. From where she stood, Alexia couldn't tell what he was staring at, but it was easy to read the look in his eyes. Whatever the object was, he wanted to eradicate it from being. Curious as to what disturbed him so, Alexia let her feet innocently lead her over to his table.
Once she got closer, she only became more confused as she found her name sitting there. The moment William noticed her presence hovering by the chair he quickly looked away, eager to ignore her existence. She didn't say anything and simply sat down in her seat then took a quick look around the table. Aside from William and the man he spoke to, there was another man and a woman seated with them. One seat was left empty. She peered at the name sitting in front of it. Morpheus Duvall… I wonder who that is… She thought absently.
"I heard that monsieur Duvall is away due to recovering from an operation." A sultry, accented voice suddenly spoke and Alexia looked up to find its owner. It was a woman with long, dark hair and haunting eyes that held a ghost-like charm. Her beautiful, pale face was illuminated in the soft candlelight as she gazed at Alexia with a sense of superiority sparkling in her eyes. The young girl couldn't help but notice that the woman looked a bit like a dead goddess between her smoky make-up and the flowing black dress she wore.
"Oh… I hope that he is all right then." She replied politely, forcing some kind of concerned look on her face. But the girl did not really care at all; it had only been a passing curiosity. So she fell back to silence and looked more around the ornately decorated room but still felt that woman's eyes staring at her relentlessly. It didn't bother her at first and it was easily ignorable but Alexia could never stand being gawked at. And though the girl was not very gifted at small talk, she felt the need to carry on a conversation, if only to remove the condescending look upon the French woman's face. "… What sort of operation did he undergo?"
"Cosmetic surgery." The woman answered, as she continued to stare at the little girl.
"I see…" Alexia replied with a tone of disgust evident in her voice. How vain must one be to miss a work-related meeting with such a horrible excuse? She was quite glad that Duvall wasn't present, even without meeting him she was certain she would not like the man at all. The voice belonging to the woman sitting across the table from her spoke once again.
"So… why did you run away earlier today, ma poupette?"
Alexia had barely registered the question in her brain, but as soon as she realized what had been asked, she almost choked on the water she had started to sip. She gave a sideways glance at William and took a few moments to compose herself as she felt her face burn up as it had earlier in the day. "My nerves seemed to have affected me." She responded calmly, but her hands clutched nervously as the fabric of her dress on her lap. Alexia had no desire to announce to everyone at the table her affections for William. "I had forgotten what it was like to speak in front of a large crowd of people."
The woman giggled prettily with an antagonistic look in her expression. Shaking her head softly, she said in an almost amused tone, "Enfant, vous êtes trop jeune pour ce travail…"
Impudent woman! I do understand French… Alexia thought to herself, barely containing the frown threatening to cover her face. Instead of showing any physical sign of anger, she simply replied with, "Je ne concorde pas, mademoiselle. Je suis parfaitement capable pour mon travail." A falsely sweet smile settled itself upon her lips. "My apologies, but I do not think we properly introduced ourselves. I am…"
"Alexia Ashford, I'm well aware, ma chérie." The woman's words were seemingly devoid of the good humour they had held before. Her dark blue eyes were no longer glued on the child genius instead she turned to look uninterestedly at the small orchestra who were nearing the end of a piece by Chopin. "I am Persephone Laurent from the Paris facility."
Once again, decided that being polite would be the best course of action, she turned her attention to the man sitting next to Persephone. "And you are?"
He cleared his throat as if being abruptly awoken from a dream, surprised at being suddenly addressed. Alexia noted he had been staring fixatedly at the 'goddess of the underworld'. "Konstantin Yanovski from one of the Russian facilities."
Alexia then looked over at the blond man sitting next to him who was conversing with William. "Why are you still wearing those?" William questioned, motioning to the object in question: sunglasses. "You look like a moron." The man looked extremely familiar, like an image in her mind frozen in time. Slowly, recognition began to take hold her. If he was who she thought he was, he hadn't changed a bit (aside from the new accessory that almost seemed to be a part of him) since she saw that life-changing picture years ago. She may not have paid much attention to the other figure in the photograph but it was nearly impossible to mistake the features that looked as if they belonged to a majestic roman statue.
"Because-" The man was about to reply to William when he appeared to have noticed Alexia's curious gaze. "Yes?" He asked, acknowledging her.
"You are Albert Wesker, correct?"
"Yes, I am." He affirmed with a nod. Alexia then looked up at William, wanting to say something, anything just to speak to him again. A pathetic desperation that she was painfully aware of and yet at the same time she found she didn't care enough to feel ashamed. However, William pointedly ignored the girl, praying to any greater deity there might be in the entire universe (though he didn't truly believe anything so fictitious actually existed) that he would not have to suffer her presence much longer.
Silence quickly descended upon the table. The noise made by the other employees at the other tables sounded as if they were from another planet. The music of Bach however danced its vaguely lamentable tune around their ears. Despite that hidden note of melancholy, some of the dinner guests had gotten up to dance. Many of the employees in Umbrella had decided to marry someone also working for the corporation. In the kind of business they were part of, it was much more convenient to marry someone within the company.
Konstantin stood up and offered his hand to the woman sitting down beside him. "Mademoiselle Laurent, would you care to share this dance with me?"
Persephone smiled at him in a charming manner but the general air about her nature gave off a decidedly conceited attitude. "Certainly." She replied, taking his hand and letting him lead her to the floor of dancing couples. At that same time, a woman came to their table and nervously asked if Albert would dance with her.
He knew that his colleague would hate being left at the table with Alexia (though he himself thought William's unspoken rivalry with the girl was rather childish) and looked over at him out of the corner of his eye. Even with shades on he could still clearly see the expression on William's face. It quite distinctly said, "If you leave me alone with the Ashford bitch I'm going to fucking kill you in your sleep with those goddamn sunglasses!"
So he answered the woman with, "It would be my pleasure."
As Albert and the woman walked away to the dance area, William whispered under his breath, "Bastard…" He sighed irritably as he glared at the floor of dancers, nearly tempted to ask some random woman to dance with him just so he could escape the company of the table's only other occupant.
"Are you not going to ask anyone to dance with you?" She questioned, saying the first words that came to her mind for a conversation topic. It wasn't really much of a topic since he could just as easily reply with a one-word answer.
But to her pleasant surprise, he did not. "No, I don't see any point in dancing. This is supposed to be a business meeting, not a party." He looked out towards the musicians with a bored and displeased look on his face while crossing his arms, effectively giving off unfriendly body language.
Despite William's demeanour she smiled at him and replied, "I agree."
A tense quietness joined them at the table as the two simply sat listening to the lonely melody that hovered through the room, the sorrowful notes embracing them both. Waves of hate still enshrouded William like an impenetrable cocoon but at the same time he was slightly curious about something. Whether or not he liked it, he was forced to hear random tidbits of information about the young Ashford girl every other day. At first, he had found it amusing when she had run from the meeting earlier that day. But then he began to wonder about the rumours surrounding her. According to gossip, which seemed to have sneakily implanted itself in his brain, she would not be one to run away and give such a lame excuse afterwards. So he asked, "So what's the real reason you ran away today?"
Alexia really did not want to return to the still tender subject. She decided to feign ignorance. "Whatever do you mean?" At least he is conversing with me willingly now… However, her question was met with stony silence. She didn't want to the chat to die as quickly as it had begun. So she continued to speak, emitting a light sigh, "I do not feel like talking about it." That too was met with a disconcerting quiet that Alexia wished to rectify immediately. "What did my father say?"
"I don't care about your 'little project' so I didn't bother listening." He answered bluntly in monotone. Alexia had to bite down her hurt, had to try to keep it from showing in her features. For once she had to ignore her pride and just keep any unwanted emotions out of her mind. She was not going to let her feelings ruin the opportunity to speak with the one she cared most for. "You didn't miss anything though, this whole conference is a waste of time."
"I do not believe it is a waste of time…" Alexia muttered quietly, looking down at her hands that were playing idly with the folds in her dress. She had barely even realized that she had spoken the words aloud. But she truly believed in the words that she spoke, an innocent confession.
"And why is that?" William replied, though he didn't care at all.
"Well…" She began but all she could think was, I was able to meet you… But she was well aware she could not speak the words on her mind without suffering great embarrassment. "… this conference allowed me to meet fellow head researchers. It's refreshing to meet people who aren't completely incompetent."
"Really? All I've learned is that Duvall is busy getting a makeover, Laurent is annoyingly condescending, Yanovski wants to have sex with Laurent," he listed off with annoyance but then for the first time during the dinner he looked at Alexia and said, "and as for you…" The girl felt her heartbeat increase against her will, what would he say? She felt a queer nervousness overtake her and her stomach felt like it became tied in knots yet at the same time it felt light, airless, like it wasn't even there. "You're exactly how I imagined you…" A feeble, happy smile found its way upon her lips as she began to become really concerned that her whole body would begin to shake. And then he said, "… A useless, incompetent kid and a spoiled little monster, whose got nothing but the name of her family to support ridiculously short studies and inconsistent results in active research. You have no idea just how much I hate you. Talking to you is a waste of my time." And without another word he left the dining hall.
Alexia could only soundlessly watch him leave as his words began to sink into her mind, leaving lacerations on her stony and unknowingly fragile heart. The music that filled the room paused briefly and then changed to Ravel's Pavane Pour Une Infante Défunte. Some part of her mind vaguely noticed at how fitting the piece was to her current predicament for she indeed felt dead. She felt sorrow, that was certain. Yet at the same time she felt unreal, like she didn't exist, as if she really were dead.
At the very least she felt like she was dying, she had never been known that mere words could physically make one's heart hurt, as if it were weeping bitter tears of poisonous blood. It was so painful that she felt like tearing through her chest just to rip the hateful organ out of her body. It was so excruciatingly unbearable that tears sprung to her usually soulless eyes. She tried in vain to blink them away, to rid herself of the swimming vision but to no avail. She was not going to allow herself to start crying at the table, her agony was not to be put on public display. So she quickly rose from it and exited the dimly lit hall, leaving the joyless song behind as she hurried towards the elevator.
Luckily for the dejected girl most people were at the dinner, so the lift was blessedly free of people as she stood there sniffling in what she thought was a pathetic manner. Every tear that tried to make a wet trail down her face met with failure as her small hands quickly brushed the hateful droplets away. She tried to take some calming breaths, but it was pointless. The unyielding ache would not be cured so easily. All she received for her efforts were shaky sighs that threatened to turn into sobs at any moment. Not here. Not anywhere. Stop this behaviour now. But this time even she knew that her cold, detached nature could not save her from the turmoil of her heart.
As soon as the doors opened she fled to her room, even letting herself break out into a light run towards the door down the hall. Once she found herself inside the dark room, she fell against the door and slid down to the floor. She didn't want to turn on light, she didn't want to see herself in the mirror just across the room. She could barely stand to see her pitiful shadow. She no longer bothered to combat the tears that ran freely down her face. Within a few minutes the girl had managed to fool herself into believing that simply shedding a few tears would make everything better but her condition steadily became worse. Her throat began to constrict tighter and tighter around the painful lump that had formed there. Her breathing became worse as well and slowly descended into quiet, shameful whimpering. She hated it.
Hate… He said he hated me… Why does he hate me though? I do not understand! Her hands became balled into fists as they held tightly to the fabric of her dress. "I don't understand…" She muttered aloud to herself, her face buried in her knees that she had drawn up to her chest, hugging them tightly. She just kept repeating the same phrase to herself over and over again, as if continuing to say it would make her understand. But it didn't help at all. It only seemed to increase the volume of her sobbing. "I… don't… u-under… stand…"
Every noise she made stung her ears almost as much as William's words had. At that moment she wished she was deaf and condemned to forever stay in the darkness of the room. Surely, it had to be better to be blocked off from the world then to endure such torture ever again. Never in her wildest imagination had she ever thought that William could really truly hate her. Everything she had ever imagined never led to the horrible nightmare she was experiencing at that moment. She could see every single one of her dreams shattering in the view of her mind's eye.
An hour or two passed by, drowning in misery, in what seemed like barely a few minutes. Her mind had been running in circles and no consoling thoughts were offered. So she began to force herself to think logically. What do I usually do when faced with something I do not approve of? She questioned herself silently as she brushed remaining tears away from red and puffy eyes. She pondered it for a few moments before she finally realized her answer. If Alexia did not like something she either got rid of the problem entirely or she would pretend it didn't exist at all. Very well. Then all I need to do is destroy this blind love I feel.
She stood up shakily from her position on the floor and turned on a lamp on one of the nearby tables, illuminating the room softly. She kept her eyes to floor as she made her way to the mirror, almost as if she were saying goodbye to the horribly euphoric and amazingly caustic emotion. Taking a last shuddering breath, she looked at her reflection in the mirror. That sight alone made her begin to start crying harder. She had never once in her life seen herself so very upset. So upset, her logical part of her mind thought, over such a trivial matter. She didn't truly think it was trivial but thinking so helped slow the flow of teardrops. He did this. He caused this. Hate him back. Hate him now.
But as she continued to stare at the broken girl in the reflection, she couldn't seem to rid herself of the affections still surviving in her heart. She just continued to stand there, watching her reflection watch her cry. "I can't do it," she mumbled to herself with her tear-stained voice, "I cannot hate him." She continued to stand still for a few moments until her mind decided to give her some sort of solution to her predicament. Perhaps he would feel differently if he knew how I felt. She reasoned to herself that it seemed likely. I need to tell him somehow.
She went to the bathroom within the suite and washed her face, trying to make herself look as composed and presentable as she could. I'll just quickly speak with him outside. She thought to herself as she threw a quick glance at the window, which presented a view of the rainy city. I don't believe this should take very long. So she left the room with only a light jacket to protect her from the drops the sky rained down.
She made her way to the lobby where some people were mingling. Weaving through some throngs of people, Alexia went to the front desk. She politely talked to the desk clerk and requested to send a message to William from herself, telling him to meet her out in front of the hotel. Once that was done she went outside to wait. She stood a little away from the doors leading into the building. As she began to wait, she was pleased to notice that it wasn't raining as hard as she had thought. In her mind, she started to think about exactly what she would say to him once he arrived. No, I will simply tell him right away. It would be better for me to tell him in a more straightforward manner.
So she continued to look out into the shower falling onto the pavement in the darkness. After ten minutes passed, listening solely to the lonely ambiance of the city, she started to feel cold and wrapped her arms around herself to generate some warmth. More minutes passed and the rain slowly seemed to be turning into a heavy downpour. But Alexia refused to leave her post. He will come. He has to… I am not leaving until I tell him… She didn't want to think he had simply ignored her invitation to join her outside, but in reality that was the harsh truth. If he had it his way, he would never have to run into the horrendous Ashford brat ever again for as long as he lived.
But Alexia stood out there determinedly; stubbornly; hell itself would not be able to get her away from that spot. No, she would allow herself to persevere through the storm. She couldn't afford herself to leave, not with the chance that he might actually arrive. But an hour passed by with as much optimism as she could maintain, however, and Alexia had a limit of how optimistic she could remain. Minutes began to suddenly crawl by slowly and her clothes had long-since been drenched by the torrents from the heavens. I shall wait a little longer… Just a little longer…
'A little longer' proved to be another hour of standing in the rain. I should return indoors soon unless I wish to catch pneumonia. But she kept standing there, blindly hoping that William would suddenly show up, apologizing for showing up so late. Then she would simply tell him her feelings, without wasting any words. What happened next… well, she didn't find out because she interrupted her own fantasy with a sneeze. Maybe I should go back inside now. But her feet didn't move at all. Her heart told her to stay where she was yet at the same time it was beginning to realize the truth.
He hates me… endlessly. I just need to accept it. It is quite clear that I cannot change his mind. "It's perfectly understandable. Don't cry." But as soon as she murmured those words to herself teardrops started to fall down her face in time with the rainfall. Yes, I accept it. I accept it completely. But she knew she was lying to herself. Just as William was certain that he'd hate Alexia for all time, Alexia was certain she would never stop trying to change his mind. She would never cease her efforts as long as there existed that inextinguishable and innocent love.
Gah! Sorry, this chapter took so long to write. ;A; Guess this is my Christmas present to everyone. X3; Anywho, here are some notes on the chapter.
1. Here is the list of songs that play during the dinner scene (if anyone is curious)
Vivaldi - Spring, second movement, The Four Seasons (Alexia entering)
Chopin - Nocturne in E Minor Op. 72, No. 1 (Alexia speaking with Persephone)
Bach - Air on a G String (Alexia speaking with William)
Ravel - Pavane pour une infante défunte (Alexia alone at the table)
2. Translation of the French used in this chapter:
Ma poupette - My little doll
Enfant, vous êtes trop jeune pour ce travail… - Child, you are too young for this job…
Je ne concorde pas, mademoiselle. Je suis parfaitement capable pour mon travail. - I do not agree, miss. I am perfectly capable for my job.
Ma chérie - My dear
3. Much thanks once again goes to MA-121 for assisting me once again. :3
4. Hope I didn't get too melodramatic with Alexia's emotions.
I'm sorry to say that the next chapter is kind of filler-esque. But at least it shouldn't take me three months to write! XD Anyway, happy holidays everyone. :D