AN: It's been a while, right? Life's crazy, and inspiration hasn't been there, but every now and then I receive the sweetest comments from readers and it gives me a little push to write again. So here I am. Thank you for still being there, and for commenting and liking this story. I'm determined to finish it, and I will! Might take a while but it will happen :)
Happy Easter if your part of the world is also celebrating!
"Did you do it on purpose?"
There was absolute silence between them. You could hear a pin drop in the whole house. Logan was looking at Rory, he had stopped running circles in her living room when he asked the question. While she was on the couch, sitting on her legs. Rory's expression was unreadable to Logan. For the first time since they had met, he just couldn't read her face. Was she mad he had suggested it? Was she surprised he had found her secret?
He took a step closer to the couch and to her and asked again. "Rory, did you do it on purpose?".
Rory was simply speechless, and her mind was blank. Logan's tone was not accusatory, it was even sweet if such a question could be uttered in a sweet tone. She imaged that anyone else in any other such circumstance asking her the same question would send her into a well-deserved rant. But not Logan, and not now.
Had she done it on purpose? Even if unconsciously? What happened? She was over 30, she knew the birds and the bees from a young age. She had always been careful, with Logan and with everyone else. What the hell had happened?
"Rory… it's okay, I…"
"Logan, I'm… I don't even know what to say…" Rory interrupted him. She was looking a bit embarrassed, and Logan quickly picked up on it and sat down next to her.
"It's okay. I'm not mad. I mean I was a willing participant, maybe I could have insisted on separate bedrooms… I just want to understand."
"I had never thought about that. I swear, Logan. I never… I don't know what happened."
Logan was understanding of Rory, but he was not taking any excuse for this. "Rory, neither of us is stupid. Something happened, and I know you were going through a lot, and I'm not taking my blame off the table. But I want to understand what was going on with you."
A million thoughts were going through Rory's mind at the speed of light. Her grandfather, Logan, losing them both in a way, so close to each other. Had she just given in in hopes that she could hold on to something? He had made arrangements for separate bedrooms, he was still engaged and living with Odette, and he told her he was still marrying her. Why did she take the chance? Why didn't she tell him she was off the pill? Why didn't she ask him to use condoms? What had gone through her mind?
She was looking out through her window into the city skyline. This was a view that always calmed her down. Logan scooted himself to sit closer to her, he could sense her internal turmoil. Although they hadn't spoken for a few months between the breakup and that meeting, he knew she was not okay for a while before that. He knew it couldn't have been easier for her. He was starting to wonder how guilty he also was for that situation. He went along in Hamburg, he went along with Vegas, he never made an effort to have a serious talk. He let himself be what he thought she needed him to be. Had he seen it all wrong? He picked up her hand and gently stroked it which caused her to turn her gaze to him. There was nothing but love and understanding between them.
"Fuck, Rory. We made so many mistakes. We should have talked; I should have pushed. Even if that meant losing you. But during Vegas, we were only hurting ourselves. And I know you will ask 'what about Odette', but what I told you then was true. We had a relationship for convenience, both hers and mine. That was true, we got along well enough to give in to both our families, but we were never in love. I'm not going to deny it was a relationship and we did love each other, but it was for convenience."
Logan paused, and Rory took a second to study his expression. He was hurt. Almost like that first day, they had reconnected at the park. And there was a lightbulb moment in her mind. What she had risked in New Hampshire had the potential to hurt so many more people other than the two of them. Starting with their daughter. For a selfish moment, she risked immense pain for some of the people that she loved the most.
"I know that, Logan. I never doubted it for a second. I was simply not thinking and putting all my grief into that moment. And I guess subconsciously I was expecting the outcome that end up happening. I was so miserable. I had lost my grandfather; I was losing you because I was not brave enough to fight for you and for us. I was fighting with my mother… Everything that I was, was falling apart. The potential and hope everyone had deposited in me for all my life was crumbling. I was doing nothing right."
Rory's eyes were misty and red, Logan gently wiped her cheek of the moistness coming from her still piercing blue eyes. "If I ask you a question again, promise me you won't get mad and that you'll give me an answer?" Rory nodded, already expecting the question. "Why did you come to my room? I had yours ready, you weren't on the pill, we were saying goodbye. Why did you come?"
There was a long pause again between the two of them. Rory was trying to gather her thoughts to give Logan a somewhat coherent answer.
"I definitely wasn't thinking straight that day. I was so happy when I saw you guys, the night was just so amazing. For a few hours, we were us again. We were young, we were in college. Grandpa was still alive. We had our whole future in front of us. So, I think I just shut off my logical thinking. I knew I wasn't on the pill, and I knew what our arrangement was. But it was like that wasn't my reality, you know? I was not Rory in 2016 in New Hampshire saying goodbye to you. I was Yale Rory and Yale Rory was on the pill and was your girlfriend."
"And I knew I was not on the pill, and I knew what we had discussed in Hamburg and for Vegas. And it's not like I was tracking my cycle or anything. Paris was constantly sending me those tracking apps, I could have done that, even if just for my own health and knowledge. But after we said goodbye I thought, would it be so bad if it actually happened? So maybe, when I went with you to your room, that thought was already in the back of my mind. Maybe that's why I wanted to go. For the possibility. For the potential of having an eternal memory of that moment and of us. I knew if I told you about the pill you'd stop me, or if I asked for a condom, you'd say yes…"
"I actually didn't have any with me. It was never about that, Rory." Logan interrupted Rory's long monologue.
"And maybe I was afraid of that too. I was afraid you were giving up on us for good. That it was done. How can you not think at all and at the same time think about so much? I had never stopped to think about that night, that moment. About what I was thinking or feeling. I really hadn't. And yesterday when you asked maybe it was the first realization of what I had done."
"I'm sorry it took me so long to want to talk. I guess I was not ready to accept all my flaws. I wasn't ready to accept that maybe I was the problem with us, not you. It was always so easy for me to put the weight of all of it on you. You have the family and the family obligations; you needed the perfect Stepford wife. And I could hide behind that. I could hide behind my powerlessness in all of that. Because I didn't want to fight for it." Rory let out a long sigh like a huge weight had been lifted off her.
"Thank you for being honest. I had my suspicions. Like I said, I wish I had pushed more. And right now, I can't say I wish I had been more careful that day or we wouldn't have Harper, but I'm sorry I was also careless. I think I had resigned myself to the idea that I would never have you, so what bad would one last time actually do?"
"Where did we go so wrong, Logan? What happened to us? I never stopped loving you. Seeing you in Hamburg was such a lifesaving moment for me. I thought you'd hate me forever for saying no. Never in a million years, I thought if we ever saw each other again that everything would still be there, you know?"
Logan looked at her tenderly. "I wasn't thinking about going that far about all of this." He caressed her now dry cheek. "Are you sure you want to go there? Are we going there?"
Rory shrugged. "I think the hard part is done. It's still early and your sister has Harper. Why not?" She was feeling emboldened after their talk. The biggest weight had been lifted off her chest. Maybe now they could fix themselves once and for all.
"You know this is not a fast solution for all our problems, right? Maybe this conversation would be better to have with a therapist to mediate?"
Logan's sudden defensive attitude took Rory by surprise, that and the apparent mind reading. Maybe he just wanted to hear her apologize and explain what had happened that day. Maybe he really didn't want a relationship with her besides co-parenting. She had opened up to him, more than once. Other than tattooing it on her forehead she didn't know what else she could do to let him know she did still love him, and that she would fight for him this time. Had he finally gotten over her?
"I would like for us to try to do it by ourselves if that is okay with you?" She asked timidly.
He was not sure he was up for that talk, not at all but just at that moment. But here she was, taking the first step, offering, what he had always wanted, so why say no? If things got worse, he knew there was always a therapy session that could help. Maybe they were able to do this by themselves.
"Yes, we can try. But I want to make a deal, if it gets too much for either of us, we tap out, we don't get mad at each other and we book a session. Is that okay?"
"Deal." Rory extended her hand waiting for Logan to shake it. He held for a moment but extended his hand to her and they shook hands we a smile on their faces.
"I'm not trying to get out of our sweat deal but I'm getting hungry. Is it okay for you if we order something for lunch? Chinese okay? There's a new place a few streets up that I've tried and it's really good."
"Sure A… Rory. Chinese is okay." There he was with the name slipping again. He was hoping she hadn't noticed but was not as bothered as last time.
After Rory ordered lunch, they decided to put their conversation on hold until lunch arrived and to talk about the holidays once again. The plan was set and so far, there were no changes in sight, but they wanted to discuss Harper's gifts. In the same way Rory didn't want Harper to be on helicopters at a whim, she also wanted to control the presents.
As lunch came and they ate, they continued with their chit-chat, nothing heavy, talking about both their works and some funny episodes about Harper and her cousins. Rory also updated Logan on all things Stars Hollow. His love for Taylor was still strong and he even proposed to take a family trip there for one of the many town festivals. If Harper loved them as much as her mother and grandmother, he would not take the chance of missing out on his daughter experiencing such events. Rory did warn him that Harper would beg for all crap food available as well as any trinkets being sold. They even had a special box and her moms to hold all the stuff. The conversation died down as Rory was preparing some coffee after they finished lunch.
"You know, I really miss calling you Ace."
"I really miss it too."
"And I know it has slipped once or twice, but I'm not ready to get back to it right away. Doesn't mean it won't be back, but you are right, we need to talk about more than that day and what happened. I think we have years of misunderstandings to clear up before I can say it without giving myself an aneurysm."
"I get it, Logan. And you are right. If we simply sweep everything under the rug again, we'll be back here in no time. I want to move forward, whatever that looks like for us. Plus, we'll have a very jealous blond girl to deal with…" They both laughed at the thought of their daughter not liking to share the nickname.
"That's true. She wears it well, though."
"That she does."
Although this was what Rory wanted, she was afraid that this conversation, even though beneficial for them and their family, was not going to turn out like she wanted. More than co-parenting, she wanted to be a family with Logan. She knew that with every fiber of her being. But she was not sure they could ever come back from what had happened if he would be willing to come back from what had happened. Once again, she decided that it was on her to take the next step, to put herself out there.
"Logan, I understand your stance on all of this. I get it. I was a stubborn mule; I think I got my mother to thank that for. We should have talked in Hamburg, after Hamburg, or at any time during Vegas, but I think I didn't feel worthy of you. My career was non-existing, and you were running a worldwide empire from London. How could I ever match you? I don't know, I think I was kind of sabotaging myself in a way?"
"Is that why you said no?" Logan interrupted her.
Rory looked confused at him. "No? When did I say no, and to what? If I remember I was the one that wanted Vegas and came up with the whole thing, I wasn't in the position to say no, you were."
"Not that, Rory. To my proposal. After you graduated." Again, Logan's tone was calm, giving Rory time to think back.
"I don't know, I think I was too young back then… I had never thought about marriage, not really. I was looking for a job… I wasn't ready."
"I wasn't asking to elope, Rory. Just for a promise to each other. I was starting a new job; you were looking for a job. I know I was a bit careless but I'm not crazy. I wanted to know that the next step in our lives was for both of us, was to benefit us."
"Yet you expected me to move cross country for you and leave everything behind…" Rory's tone changed, not dramatically but it had clearly turned harsher.
"I expected my girlfriend to support me in the biggest life-changing event that had ever happened to me. I expected that maybe sacrifice then, but I was willing to sacrifice after. I had a job lined up and you didn't Rory… I thought at the time that a newspaper here or on the West Coast would be the same since you didn't get what you really wanted. I wanted a partnership, and in a partnership sometimes you give in, that's how it works."
"But I didn't want to be Logan Huntzberger's wife. I didn't want to be arm candy and a DAR lady. I wanted my own career, by my own merit."
"And you think I'd make you any of that? Don't you know me? Do you honestly think I'd ever make you be or do whatever you didn't want?"
"No."
"Then why?"
"It was all about you, your job, the house you picked out… we said we'd factor each other in, and you broke that promise."
"I don't think I did. I went after what I wanted, and I got it. You went after what you wanted and didn't get it, what's so wrong in hoping you'd come with me then?"
"That's not what it felt like. It felt like you ambushed me. That you had taken over your family's ideal of a society wife."
Logan looked at Rory frustrated once again. "I can't believe one you thought that, and two that you'd think that and not discuss it with me."
"And what about the Obama campaign trail?"
"What about it?"
"I got it right after we broke up. Would you have let me go?"
"No, because it was never my place to 'let you go', Rory. It was your decision to make, and if you had come with me to California and then went on to go on the campaign trail, I'd miss you terribly while you were on the road, but you'd have a home to come to. That's all I wanted, to have a home with you."
"You're not supposed to be this understating and perfect. It's like I'm always screwing up, never doing anything right and you always have the right thing to say."
"I'm far from perfect, you more than anyone should know that. But I wanted to be perfect for you. I transformed into a work dork for you." A small smile appeared in both of them at the memory. "You showed me how I could still enjoy adult life and responsibilities. I thought that was never possible. But I did want to change for you, to be worthy of you."
Logan paused for a while. Their conversation had had its ups and downs but neither wanted to escalate it. It was a tough conversation they both knew they needed.
"Why say no to my proposal?" Why Vegas? Why the charades, Rory? I want you, I wanted you always. There were no games on my part. You knew what I wanted. Why play games? Why pretend you didn't want something serious? You always did that, you know? When you started hanging out, instead of giving me any credit and saying what you were feeling, you came to break it off."
His little tirade startled Rory. If she thought back to all those moments, those deciding moments, she was the one bailing out, he was always the one offering more. Why did she always seem to choose the path with the least resistance, but always the one that seemed to hurt the most?
"Logan… this is hard, you know? Admitting all this… I…" Tears were rolling doing Rory's face and Logan wiped them off with his thumbs. "You know how she feels about you, she never was your biggest fan. And this whole rich influential family with expectations… That's what she ran away from… I guess I didn't want my mom to judge me or cut me off. This is so stupid… I was an adult seeking mommy's approval…"
"Hey, it's not stupid. But you could have told me, you know? And I know Lorelai's opinion is important to you. But in the same way, my family doesn't dictate my life, your mom shouldn't dictate yours. You just said that's the reason she left home. You're entitled to your own life, Rory. Judgment-free especially from your mom. I know I'm no expert in healthy family relationships, but I've read a few books lately. You could have told me." Logan hugged Rory rubbing her back as she whimpered.
They lingered like that for a while, both mentally drained after their conversation. Maybe it wasn't over yet, but at least it felt like it was a good step into mending things. The small contact they were having was putting both more at ease with each other, making both their guards go down a bit.
"Do you want to stay until Honor calls to pick up Harper? We can have family dinner and you can put her to bed. We can watch a movie…"
"Yeah, that sounds good. Should I go get some junk food from the Deli downstairs for the movie?"
"It's like you don't know me at all Huntzberger…" Rory got up and opened a small drawer on her TV unit and started playfully throwing him the packs of different candy she had there. "I'm making popcorn, do you want some wine? You can go pick out whatever you want and open it."
"I really hope that's a super-secret drawer our daughter knows nothing about." Logan was teasing Rory as he got up to pick out the wine and open the bottle.
After Rory popped the pack of popcorn in the microwave, she brought two wine glasses and joined Logan at the kitchen island waiting for him to pour the drink.
"I thought your company had a killer dental plan." Rory teased him. "Don't worry, the drawer has a kid's lock and whenever I get stuff from it, I make sure she's not around."
AN: I didn't want to give too much away on my first note, but I wanted to know what you think of their conversation. Too much too soon? It was more than overdue? I wanted to get them to a good place sooner rather than later so maybe I pushed the conversation a bit much?