Buck took a breath as he put the car in park, eyes immediately drawn to the windows to see soft light emanating from within the house.
A hand gently landed on his and he turned to look at his mother, swallowing as his heart picked up its pace now that they finally arrived at their destination for tonight. The concerned look that fell on her face didn't help either so he took another deep breath and blew it out slowly, repeating the process two more times until he finally got his heartbeat to slow down.
"Are you sure you're ready to do this tonight, Evan?" Athena asked him softly, her hand a grounding force against his.
"Yeah, Mom, I am. I just need a minute and then we can go inside. I don't want to do to him what he did to me. He doesn't deserve that, regardless of how much it may have hurt me when he did it," Buck replied quietly as he held her gaze.
"I'm proud of you, Evan," she told him sincerely as she ran her other hand through his curls.
"You've been through so much and yet your capacity to forgive and to love those who have wronged you still amazes me most of the time. That has always been one of the things I admired about you, and I am so proud that after everything you've been through, you never let your ever-growing pain and anger at the world consume you," Athena continued as she stared at those baby blues of his.
Earlier today, she didn't know what her son had in store for their date tonight. Buck would usually ask her where she wanted to go or what she wanted to do to help him plan for their dates, but she understood that this wasn't what he had in mind.
Athena knew well enough that he was ready to see Bobby, the look in his eyes told her so and that was enough of a reason for her not to counter his decision to go home earlier when they were still at the parking lot at the precinct.
Bobby had been constantly asking her about Buck during the last few months. Every other night during dinner, he never forgot to ask about how he was doing. Athena had given him the same answer every time, but still, that didn't stop her husband from asking every time.
She knew that he asked Harry the same thing if only to confirm that Buck really was doing alright. Though, unlike her, Harry was willing to give more than just he's doing well. Her youngest would give him a bit more detail on Buck's progress, but no more than just the basics and general things.
"Thank you, Mama," Buck's voice pulled her out of her thoughts, and she smiled at him before leaning in and pressing a kiss on his forehead.
"Come on, baby. You know he always sees my headlights whenever I've pulled up on the driveway. He's bound to start wondering what's taking me so long to go inside. We've kept him waiting long enough," Athena said before unbuckling her seatbelt and stepping out of the car.
Buck took another deep breath before following his mother.
This was it.
There's no turning back now.
Buck followed his mother inside the house and watched as she called out that she was home as soon as she crossed the threshold of the front door.
Then, Bobby came into view from the kitchen, freezing mid-step when his eyes landed on Buck and then on his wife.
"I thought you said you were going to be out late tonight?" he asked, his confusion and surprise evident in his tone and his expression.
"I was. But my date here had a last-minute change of plans and decided that he wanted to have our date here at home instead," Athena answered easily.
Bobby's eyes widened at that and he glanced at Buck and then at his wife, an understanding look forming on his face.
"I see. Well, would you like me to cook for both of you or were you just going to order in? I could stay in the bedroom so I don't–"
"Actually," Buck interrupted softly, effectively gaining the attention of the older man, "I was hoping you could join Mom and me tonight."
A look of surprise took over Bobby's features as he held his gaze. And for the second time that night, Buck felt like he was being searched for something in his eyes the way Athena did earlier. He figured Bobby must have found whatever he was looking for because he gave him a small nod.
"That's settled then," his mother said as she looked at both of them.
Buck met her subtle inquiring gaze and knew what she was asking without the use of words. He gave her a small nod and she smiled before turning to address her husband.
"Why don't you and Buck cook some dinner for the three of us? I'll just go take a shower, I won't be long," she said, already halfway to the bedroom and having the door closed before her husband could object.
Buck watched as Bobby opened and closed his mouth at the closed bedroom door before eventually nodding to himself. He watched as the man turned to look at him, hand poised as if he wanted to give him a pat on the back as he used to before stopping himself.
"Did you.. uh.. have anything in mind for dinner?" Bobby asked, his hesitation not lost on Buck as he held his gaze.
"Uh no, actually. Like Mom said, last minute change of plans, so yeah," Buck replied, gaze never faltering as he looked at Bobby.
He watched as the older man nodded at that.
"Well, in that case, is there anything you'd like for dinner?" Bobby asked as he headed to the kitchen, Buck not far behind.
"Whatever you want to cook is fine with me, Bobby," he said with a shrug before pausing as he remembered something.
The other man seemed to notice the change in his face. "Everything okay?"
"Um, on second thought," Buck began, pausing as Bobby looked at him expectantly.
"Could we make your mac and cheese for dinner? I.. I really missed eating your cooking, especially your mac and cheese," he finally asked as he looked up hopefully at the older man.
Bobby couldn't help the small smile that tugged on his lips at the request. He remembered all the times Buck would ask him to cook that dish at the station every once in a while. He also remembered that one time he taught him the recipe for his famous mac and cheese.
"I think that can be arranged," Bobby replied, heart melting when that familiar excitement lit up Buck's baby blue eyes as he flashed that golden retriever smile he's been missing.
Buck followed Bobby into the kitchen and wordlessly retrieved the necessary pots and pans he knew they would need for cooking the dish while Bobby gathered the ingredients from the fridge and pantry.
"Nope, we're not doing the firehouse mac and cheese tonight," Bobby said as he placed the last of the ingredients they would need for the dish they were cooking tonight.
Buck looked up at him, eyebrows scrunched together in confusion.
"What? What do you mean 'firehouse mac and cheese'? You mean there's another mac and cheese recipe that I don't know about?" he questioned incredulously.
Bobby chuckled as he turned to grab one of the ceramic baking dishes he and Athena had, his eyes meeting Buck's as he turned back around.
"Technically, they are the same. I just had to forgo a few steps in the firehouse because with more than a dozen hungry firefighters to feed, a quick and easy dish is more preferable," he replied, chuckling as he shook his head.
Buck looked affronted at the notion that he didn't know the full steps of making one of his absolute favorites that Bobby taught him, and for a moment, Buck completely forgot the reason why he was there as he unconsciously settled into the familiarity of what was happening.
"Oh, you have got to tell me the whole thing. What else am I missing from all of the recipes you've taught me?" he asked a little too eagerly.
Bobby chuckled. "Alright, alright."
Delighted, Buck rounded the kitchen island and stood next to Bobby as the man started working. The younger man watched before falling into a steady pace with Bobby as they both moved around the kitchen, pausing when the older man would tell him a step he didn't know about before they both worked in silence.
Bobby was shredding some chicken meat, one of the things he shared he had to forgo for the firehouse version as Buck called it, while Buck grated different types of cheese for the dish when he spoke up.
"So, how are you doing, Buck?" Bobby softly asked, his eyes meeting Buck's when he looked up from his task.
The younger man paused before looking down at his task and kept on grating the cheese, biting his lower lip as he looked back up at the man he looked up to for years.
"I'm doing better. Therapy helps a lot. Doctor Copeland's the best therapist I've had, she has this way of making me see things from a better perspective, you know?" Buck said with a small smile before setting the grater aside and transferring the grated cheese into a large bowl.
"I have ups and downs, some worse than others. But I'm not alone now, apart from Doctor Copeland I have an amazing family and support system behind me. May and Harry have been a constant presence the past few months, May more so. Maddie's been around quite a lot, too, and so has Mom," he continued, looking back up at Bobby as he handed him the bowl.
Buck knew the comment about having an amazing family struck a nerve if Bobby's quick aversion to his eye contact was any indication. And it was at that moment that he remembered the reason for being there tonight.
"I've been keeping myself busy, too. I've done a few courses at the local college and I'm teaching kids to swim down at the local swim club. I've also done some tutoring on the side for some students at Harry's school, too," Buck added, smiling at the mention of his younger brother.
He briefly went over to check the pot on the stove before grabbing the bag of macaroni from the tabletop and dumping a good amount in it. Buck glanced at Bobby who was now mixing the shredded chicken into the bowl of cheese he handed him, but Buck knew he was paying attention.
"I've also been in contact with Chim, Hen, and Eddie for a couple of months now as well," Buck added, noting that that didn't spur any kind of reaction from the older man, an indication that he was already aware of that development.
Bobby nodded at that. "So I've heard. How are things going with them?"
"It's still a bit awkward most of the time, but they respect the boundaries I have so I guess that's saying something," Buck replied, moving to give the macaroni a stir before leaning on the opposite counter, eyes watching as Bobby moved around.
Truth be told, he really did miss this.
Missed Bobby.
This was probably the longest conversation that didn't feel forced that he'd had with him since before the mess that was the lawsuit.
Not wanting to dwell thoughts on that, Buck shook his head and turned his attention back to the macaroni he was cooking.
Buck really didn't know what tonight had in store now that he was there with Bobby.
With his dad.
He's had countless sessions with Doctor Copeland about that particular topic. Every time they would start with a different topic, may it be about his parents, or Daniel, or Maddie, or the tsunami, or the lawsuit, or the treatment he was subjected to when he got reinstated, it always ended with a conversation about his relationship with the fire captain.
And Buck knew what Bobby was to him.
The problem was he didn't know what he was to Bobby.
And that scared him.
Because Buck knew he wasn't Robbie.
He wasn't Brooke.
He wasn't May or Harry.
He was just.. Buck.
Sure, a lot of people who knew them have commented about how Bobby was like a dad to him. And, yeah, there had been times that Bobby would act all fatherly towards him, but he was like that to everyone else at the station.
And even when Athena told him of how the older man saw him as his kid, a part of him wanted to scream and shout in joy.
But he couldn't.
He couldn't bring himself to be happy about it because, to him, it felt like a lie.
Especially after what had been allowed by the very same man who claimed to see him as his kid to happen while he was on his team when he was still a firefighter.
Buck had admitted to Doctor Copeland during one of his sessions that he was finding it difficult to heal the different parts of himself because it felt like the abandoned desperate child and the rebellious angry teen in him were both fighting for the love, care, and attention he had practically begged for but never received all his life.
And how now that he was an adult, all he really wanted was peace.
But Buck also acknowledged that in order to have that, he needed to tend to what was still being demanded–begged for–by both his inner child and inner teen.
And that in itself was where the difficulty lied.
And he hoped to be able to finally heal more of what he has managed to heal of those two parts of himself tonight.
Buck was brought out of his thoughts by the alarm he'd set for the macaroni. He mentally shook his head and proceeded with draining it in the sink and watched as Bobby took over and explained what he was doing as he did it to him.
But Bobby's voice slowly faded into the background as Buck kept his eyes locked on him.
He reflected on the stark differences between the man he considered his father and the one who claimed to have raised him. And the one difference that really stood out to him was that Bobby was always there.
He always knew when he needed help– knew when he needed a parent's guidance. He was always there when he was sick or hurt; he was there every time he ended up in the hospital.
Bobby was there when his dad should've been.
So why did he push him away when all he wanted was to go back?
Why did Bobby treat him the way Buck knew Phillip no doubt would?
Just.. why?
"..like that and now we wait around twenty-five minutes," Bobby's voice filtered back in just as the question left Buck's lips before he could even really think about it.
"Why?"
Bobby looked up at the quiet sound of Buck's voice and was startled to see the kid's sudden tearful and lost gaze.
"Buck? What's wrong?" he asked, taking a step forward as he gauged the younger man's reaction.
But Buck slowly shook his head, though he didn't back away when Bobby gently placed a hand on his shoulder. He averted his gaze, but the fire captain gently tilted his chin up so they could look each other in the eye.
"What's going on, kid?" Bobby asked in that voice that Buck always knew to be his concerned dad voice.
And that damned nickname finally had Buck asking the very same question he had been trying to find the answer to for months since he was reinstated.
"Why did you allow me to stay only to push me away? Why did you allow me to stay only to show me that you clearly did not want me back? Why Bobby? Why did you have to hurt me?"
The fire captain stilled at the line of questioning, eyes suddenly filled with guilt as he looked back at Buck's tearful eyes that suddenly showed so much pain and hurt and desperation.
Bobby swallowed thickly as he gently pulled his hand away from his chin. He wanted to look away to refrain from seeing those things in his eyes.
Things he was ashamed of for being the cause of.
But Bobby didn't look away.
He couldn't.
Instead, he held the kid's gaze, thumb gently wiping away the few tears that fell on the younger man's cheek.
"It was not my intention to hurt you, Buck," Bobby started, eyes boring into those tearful blue eyes.
But Buck slowly pulled away from his grasp and Bobby had to stop himself from reaching back to allow the kid the space he needed if they were going to get through this tonight.
"But you did, Bobby," Buck whispered brokenly, his voice breaking at the emphasis.
"And I know I'm not yours and, biologically, you're not my dad. But to me, in every sense of the word but blood, you are," Buck continued, baby blues boring into coffee-browns as he felt the desperation to understand his side.
"You're my dad, and you've hurt me, Bobby," he added before the other man could say anything else.
"You did it in a way that my father would've done and that's what made it a whole lot worse, Bobby," he added, swallowing a lump that suddenly appeared in his throat as he tried to control his emotions.
"I.. I'm sorry, Buck. I didn't do it to hurt you or to push you away. I swear that that was not my intention," Bobby reiterated, eyes imploring as he held the kid's gaze.
He wanted to pull him into a hug and assure him that he wasn't going to make the same mistake again, but he knew that it would not be a welcome gesture for now.
"Then why did you push me away, Bobby? Why did you make me feel like you didn't want me around? Why did you make me feel so easily replaceable?" Buck quavered, eyes searching and pleading as he desperately begged for answers.
No longer able to take the look in those eyes, Bobby took two steps and pulled the kid into a fierce hug.
"Because I was scared and hurt, Buck," the fire captain admitted as he held him close, eyes closing as he didn't give Buck a chance to respond as he immediately followed that statement.
"I understand now that yes, you had every right to sue me and the city. I understand now that I've hurt you by keeping you at arm's length. But that didn't erase the fact that it hurt me, too. But you have to believe me that I didn't hold you back because you were replaceable, or that you weren't good enough for the job. I did it because I was trying to protect you."
Buck pulled away from him, taking a step back as he stared at him incredulously.
"You were protecting me? How? By not letting me go back? By treating me like I was just a nobody? By stonewalling me?" the younger man retorted.
"Buck–"
"No! I need to know why Bobby. Just please tell me why," Buck begged, voice breaking as the tears that he tried so hard to fight finally fell on his cheeks, eyes steadily holding his former captain's even as every inch of his being wanted to run away and just forget this ever happened.
Just when he thought Bobby was going to keep avoiding the question; just when he thought he wasn't going to get an answer, Bobby slowly took a step forward. The older man slowly and gently brought his hands to cup his cheeks, tilting his head slightly upwards so they could look at each other eye-to-eye.
Buck saw the raw emotions shining through his coffee-brown eyes; fear, apprehension, longing, love–all of it flashing and swimming in the depths of his suddenly red-rimmed coffee-brown eyes.
Bobby sighed as he saw the uncertainty he saw in those usually jovial blue eyes. He gently held his head in place, giving Buck no choice but to look directly into his eyes. He ran a thumb across the kid's cheek as he took a breath.
"Because I can't lose you, Buck," he finally answered, eyes never straying as he said it.
That made Buck pause as he stared unbelievingly at the man he had considered his father for as long as he has known him.
Bobby didn't miss the incredulous look that fell on the kid's face, nor did he miss the sudden hopeful look that was gone as fast as it appeared in those baby blues. When no words were forthcoming from Buck, he decided to continue.
"Have I known that what I did was reminiscent of what your father would have done to you, I would never have done it, Buck. I swear to you I wouldn't have," he told him softly, hands gently letting go of his face to gently wipe away the tears from his cheeks.
"But that doesn't change the fact that I did what I did; that I hurt you. But I didn't stonewall you because I wanted to push you away or to hurt you, kid. I did it because I was trying to keep you safe," Bobby continued, his tone taking an imploring note as his need for Buck to understand became increasingly prominent.
Buck couldn't hold back the snort that came out as he responded. "I was a firefighter, Bobby. You and I both know the risks that came with the job."
"And that's exactly what scared me, Buck," Bobby told him achingly.
Buck just looked lost for words as he scrunched his eyebrows together.
"I.. I don't understand..," he said, voice trailing off as he looked at him.
Bobby felt his heart break at the utterly lost expression on the younger man's face as he said that, and that's when the fire captain realized that he had never acknowledged what Buck was to him to the kid himself.
That he never explicitly told the kid about how he felt about him or how he saw him as his kid.
Or to anyone else for that matter.
He always assumed that Buck knew because, hell, everyone they both knew just knew. Everyone, with the exception of Athena and the kids, has teased and made comments about it whenever they had gathered at the firehouse or over at his and Athena's.
And right now, as he looked at Buck staring at him with that same lost expression, Bobby could only imagine what was going on inside his head.
And Bobby was determined to change that.
"I know that you know the risks of the job, Buck. It's what made you one of the best firefighters I've ever worked with," he told him quietly, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips before it faded.
"But I saw you crushed under that firetruck, Buck. I watched you cough up blood. I watched you risk your life with no thoughts for your own well-being and I knew you would do whatever it took to get back as soon as you could and that scared me. Because I knew that at one point, you would risk your life for the job with no second thoughts and you would never come back," Bobby continued, his tone once again bearing a slight desperate note.
"That's because it's the job, Bobby," Buck countered, but the fire captain was already shaking his head at him
"No, Buck. It's more than that–you're more than that," Bobby stressed.
When Buck looked like he wasn't grasping what he wanted him to understand, Bobby decided to use another approach.
"When I had that radiation poisoning scare years ago, you told me that I'm one of the most important people in your life and that you wouldn't know what you would do if anything were to happen to me. Do you remember that?" he asked.
Buck swallowed as the memory of that event briefly flashed in his mind. "What does that have to do with anything?"
But Bobby wasn't easily swayed.
"Just answer the question, Buck," he requested softly to which the kid nodded his head yes.
"I didn't have the chance to say this to you before because I was too stunned by what you said, and you walked away before I could even speak. And I wish I told you this years ago. But Buck.. You have to understand. You..," Bobby trailed off as he allowed himself to look Buck in the eyes a little longer as his thoughts brought up every single memory he felt content with this kid.
The kid Bobby swore he wouldn't even dare to even get close to the first time he looked at a picture of him stapled on the documents provided to him by the chief when he was told one of the new recruits will be stationed with them at the 118.
Bobby would never admit it out loud, but that very first day Buck stepped into his firehouse, he knew he would be having one hell of a hard time not getting close to him. It was absolutely impossible not to.
The fire captain remembered strongly building walls upon walls upon walls around himself during the first few years he was in LA. Walls that he was determined to build even further up when Buck came into the firehouse looking for him, making his mind go blank for half a second before smoothly passing it up as a prank to cover his momentary shock at how similar he looked like Robbie–how he could've been Robbie had he gotten the chance to grow up.
"You're my kid, Buck," Bobby finally managed to say, and he felt his heart break at the evident surprise that fell on the kid's face.
"I-I am?" Buck asked, voice barely above a whisper as he looked at him, eyes suddenly full of emotions that were proving difficult for Bobby to decipher.
"Of course you are. The fear that you had with the radiation poisoning scare, is the exact same fear that I have had every single day since that disastrous first date that you had with Abby that almost killed you," the fire captain revealed softly.
Bobby watched as Buck opened and closed his mouth, no words escaping as he looked at him with a mix of surprise, hope, fear, and uncertainty.
"It's the same fear that I felt more intensely since that fire truck bombing; the same intense fear I felt when I watched you cough up your own blood," he continued when Buck seemed to be at loss for words still.
"And I'm not perfect, Buck–no parent ever is. I have made a lot of mistakes–I still do. And I made one when I let myself become blinded by my need to keep you safe because I cannot lose you, kid," Bobby said, eyes still locked with Buck's as he made out the form of his wife standing just at the entrance of the kitchen behind the kid from his peripheral vision.
Bobby took a moment, swallowing the lump that formed in his throat and drawing some comfort in the fact that Buck had finally come to him to talk and that Athena was there to support not only Buck but him, too.
He knew she knew that when Buck finally decided it was time to have this very conversation that they were having, it was either they were going to reach an impasse that would no doubt shatter what was left of his relationship with Buck and both men in more ways than one, or they'll settle into an agreement and find a way to start rebuilding what little was left of the relationship.
"You say that you see me as your dad more than you do your father," Bobby went on, "well then I want you to know that I see you as my son, Buck."
"Y-You do?" Buck whispered, eyes betraying him as tears once again ran down his cheeks.
Bobby sighed as he slowly reached up to wipe away his tears. "I always have, kiddo. Which is why I need you to understand that I cannot lose you, too, Buck. I cannot lose another kid."
"I barely managed to survive losing Robbie and Brooke. I.. I don't think I can survive losing you, too," the older man added, his gaze meeting with tearful baby blues.
"I know the way that I may have gone about protecting you was wrong, and I just.. I.. there's no excuse for what I did–none. Regardless of how I may have felt, I shouldn't have stonewalled you and I shouldn't have ignored you like that. As your captain, I shouldn't have let my emotions get the best of me. I should have just talked to you, and not gone behind your back. And I know I've hurt you and have broken your trust in me, Buck, and for that, I truly am sorry," Bobby told him sincerely, eyes speaking volumes as he locked gazes with the kid.
Buck swallowed hard as he briefly closed his eyes and took a moment to calm his raging thoughts. He didn't want to lash out or to hurt Bobby any more than he clearly already was on his own doing. He let out a shaky breath as he opened his eyes to see Bobby patiently waiting for him to speak.
He took a tentative step back, prompting Bobby to drop his hands back to his sides and allowing him some space to himself.
"You've really hurt me, Bobby," Buck began slowly, "so much to the point that I literally have chosen death over what you've allowed to happen to me; over the things that've been going on. And let's face it, I won't even be here having this conversation with you right now if it weren't for May."
Buck had to raise a hand to stop Bobby from interrupting when he opened his mouth to interrupt.
"No, Bobby, please. This is my turn to talk," he said with a pleading look in his eyes.
He saw the way Bobby swallowed as he nodded his assent, and Buck bit his lip as he gathered his thoughts and get a hold of the emotional and mental trainwreck that was currently happening inside his head. He licked his lips and let out a breath before speaking again.
"I wrestled with my thoughts every single day since the fire truck explosion. I tried so hard to keep them at bay just as hard as I tried to go back. I pushed myself to my limits to go back. I wanted to prove myself wrong; I wanted to prove that I could get past every single obstacle knowing that I had you fighting alongside me."
Buck paused at the crack of his voice as the feelings he had from months before suddenly felt raw all over again in his chest. He forced himself to calm down as he went on.
"But you weren't there, Bobby," he cried, "you weren't there because you were the obstacle."
Bobby could swear he could feel his heart stop at those words. He watched as the kid took another deep breath and began walking the length of the space around the kitchen as he let his words out in a roll.
"I was alone. Everyone was moving on with their lives, and I was.. I was stuck. I was left alone to fend for myself just like what my parents did to me."
Buck bit his lip as he kept walking to keep his nerves at bay, blinking a few times in between to keep more tears from falling as his mind raced with every single thing he wanted to say. He suddenly paused in his steps and looked at Bobby with a look that almost had the older man reaching over for a hug.
"I fought day in and day out with my mind, Bobby– trying to convince myself that you were nothing like them.. nothing like him," he said, voice trailing off towards the end as he held the older man's gaze.
Buck saw the expression that fell on Bobby's face at that. He looked down at his feet as he said the next words, knowing that it would be painful for Bobby to hear as much as it was for him to say.
But it needed to be said.
"And you weren't. You never were until that day in that rage room when you told me that I might regret coming back."
Buck heard the way Bobby's breath hitched like he was punched in the gut. It was unmistakable, and he heard it loud and clear in the otherwise quiet house. Seconds felt like hours but Buck felt like an impossible weight was lifted off his chest the moment the words left his mouth.
He slowly looked up, eyes meeting Bobby's as he gave him a small sad smile.
"Because I did regret it, Bobby– I still do," he told the man sadly, smile waning as he drew another breath.
"And it hurts because, aside from all the trauma that I got from the job itself, there's also this unimaginable pain that I still associate with you as a firefighter and as my dad. And I just..," Buck trailed off with a heavy sigh.
He looked at Bobby and felt a hundred and one emotions and feelings all at once. This man has always been his pillar of strength in all the difficult times he's had in the past. All of them except everything else that followed after the dreaded truck bombing.
"A part of me wants to forgive you, but I don't know if I ever could because I trusted you, Bobby," he managed to say a moment later, blinking up at the man he would choose over his own father on any given day.
"I trusted you more than anyone else in my life. I trusted you to always be there, trusted you to trust me back, and you.. you shattered that, Bobby," he grieved, voice breaking as he firmly fought the sob that was threatening to be released.
The sound of the oven going off didn't faze the conversation. Buck swallowed thickly as he watched his former captain's face fall at his words. The younger man knew the conversation was bound to become hurtful to the man, but there was no going back.
"I have never let myself become too close with anyone old enough to be my parents. Knowing how my parents are, I'm sure you can understand why. But you.. you made it incredibly hard not to. From the very first day I stepped foot in that firehouse. The very first moment you and I met, I knew I was going to spend the majority of my time giving you a lot of headaches and gray hair, which I did," Buck went on, a hollow laugh escaping towards the end, making the younger man stare off into space for a moment before he blinked and appeared to be shaking off memories in his head.
Bobby could only stare at the kid as he looked back at him with a small, wistful smile. He wanted to close the distance between them, hug him tight, and tell him he was sorry over and over again.
But he didn't.
He didn't want Buck to feel trapped or cornered, didn't want him to feel that he was pressuring him into something he clearly still was not ready for. The fact that he showed up for this conversation was already proving difficult for the kid, Bobby didn't want to make him feel obliged to do anything more that he was not here for.
The deep sigh Buck let out pulled him out of his thoughts, gaze locking with those baby blues that were evidently not as bright as they should be.
"In my head, I selfishly called you my dad," Buck revealed softly before he averted his gaze, leaning against the counter as he looked down at his feet.
Bobby took the chance to glance at his wife who was still silently listening from her place by the entrance of the kitchen, her eyes trained on the young man they both have come to see as their own.
"And it was fine, I was content with keeping it to myself forever," Buck's voice had him turning his attention back to the kid who looked back up just in time to meet his gaze.
"But then..," he paused, swallowing thickly just as a tear escaped from the corner of his eye before continuing, "..then you opened up about your life before Los Angeles."
"Told me about Robbie and Brooke and your relationship with them, and I wished I really was your son because then maybe.. maybe I could've known what it was like to have a dad like you. And then.. then Mom came into the picture, and with her came May and Harry. And for a brief time.. I was actually jealous of them," Buck admitted, choking on tears that had him pausing once more.
He drew in a couple of deep breaths, averting his gaze and closing his eyes as he struggled with the numerous feelings that he was having in his chest. He did the breathing techniques Doctor Copeland had taught him during their first few sessions that had proved effective for him. Buck allowed himself to find an anchor to reality, to hold on to it, and to never let go.
Because the things running inside his head and the feelings were things he never wanted to think about or feel again; the jealousy, the abandonment rooted in childhood, and the pain of being left behind.
Once the overwhelming feeling faded away, he drifted his gaze back up at Bobby, and seeing the question on his face, Buck explained.
"I was jealous because anyone with eyes knew that you and Mom would eventually get married, which you both did. And that made me question where I fit in this complicated dynamic that I found myself pulled into."
When that only made Bobby furrow his brows further in confusion, Buck sighed.
"Because I.. I'm not Robbie. I'm not Brooke. And I'm not May or Harry," he answered, echoing his earlier thoughts and pausing to swallow another lump in his throat.
"Buck..," Bobby trailed off, expression broken.
But the kid just gave him a forced smile as he shook his head at him when he made a move to step forward, halting him in his tracks.
"Because in my head, to you, I'm just.. I'm just Buck. And that was one of the hardest pills I ever had to swallow, Bobby," Buck continued, "I thought things would change then. That you would eventually stop being so.. fatherly towards me now that you had May and Harry– kids who, through Mom and by your marriage, became your own."
At that point, Buck's mouth was on a roll and he didn't bother stopping the thoughts that he was speaking out loud as they came.
"But it did change.. just not in the way that I expected it to because.. because Athena–because Mom–started looking at me the way she would look at May and Harry, and both of them looked at me like I belonged and they made me feel that I did."
A small smile tugged on his lips at the mention of his siblings but it soon faded as Buck chewed on his lip. "And since then I kept those thoughts to myself. I selfishly called you and Mom my parents and May and Harry my siblings in my head."
"And everything was fine and despite some admittedly hard experiences on the job, I was happy and content because I knew I had you. But then came the truck bombing, the embolism, the lawsuit, and the tsunami. Everything came crashing down and I didn't have the chance to process what had happened or to.. to even get the chance to breathe after all that and the next thing I knew I was being left out and held back and I was all alone," he continued, voice breaking at the last word.
Buck took a moment to himself, wiping the tears on his face before reaching for a cup from the overhead cupboard, getting himself some water from the tap, and taking a few gulps. He gently set the cup on the counter and even splashed some water on his face, relieved at the cool feel of the water against his face.
He looked back at Bobby, letting the droplets of water slide down his skin and onto his shirt as he did, his eyes boring into Bobby's.
"Everyone was busy with their lives and no one on the team even bothered to check in on me, or.. or even ask how I was doing.. or call or text–even you didn't," he told him quietly, tone a strange mix of sadness and accusation as he looked away.
"I sometimes get to talk to Christopher thanks to Carla, I even get to talk to Mom, May, and Harry, sure. But they weren't the ones I needed at the time," he said as he stared off into space before slowly looking back at Bobby, "It was you, Bobby."
"I needed you, and you made it incredibly hard to reach out to you, Bobby. You were always within my reach but still, we were a thousand miles apart with the walls that you seemed to have kept up with me," Buck told him sadly, the pain in his voice reflected in his eyes as he looked at Bobby who felt like he was sucker-punched right in the face.
He opened and closed his mouth, trying to come up with anything to say besides I'm sorry, but came up blank. His mouth suddenly felt dry and Bobby wanted nothing more than to fix what he had clearly broken. When he failed to come up with anything to say, Buck took that as a sign to continue.
"That night.. as I sat there in my Jeep I realized like a punch to the gut how easy it was for you to act like I was never there. How easy it was for you to forget me. And I realized that maybe.. maybe my dad was right all along, maybe it was true that I really was that easy to forget as he would always tell me."
This time, Bobby didn't even think about what he said next.
"You're not, Buck!" he exclaimed, taking a careful step forward with his hands posed in a way that made him look like he wanted to grab the kid by the shoulders.
Bobby sighed and shook his head as he dropped his hands before pinching the bridge of his nose.
"I didn't know that that was how you would see it, Buck," he added quietly.
"Then how did you think I would see that, Bobby?" Buck demanded, eyes full of hurt and accusation.
"Because for over three months I was back with the 118, I watched you give the warmth and attention that I've been trying so hard to get from you so easily to the others on the team and watched you smile and laugh with them. But when it came to me you were suddenly this drill sergeant who couldn't even tolerate me beyond giving orders," he cried, all the hurt and pain rushing forth to the surface as the conversation finally picked up pace in the direction of that incident.
He didn't give the man enough time to respond as he let the words he had been keeping inside burst free, with no brakes and no hesitations.
"And I just couldn't take it anymore–couldn't take the fact that I was no longer able to be on the receiving end of that side of you. That in such a short amount of time, our relationship deteriorated to the one that we had when I first started at the 118," Buck said brokenly as he let himself pour out all the locked-up thoughts he had for months.
Bobby felt the blood drain from his face at the things that were being said. He had realized the fact that he made a big mistake with what he did with Buck, but he didn't realize the extent of what it may reflect on the kid's perspective, and more importantly, how it may affect the kid.
All he knew was that he was doing it to protect the kid, and Bobby was quickly realizing that his actions had done so much more damage that he did not think of when he should have.
But he didn't.
And Buck almost paid the price for it.
Bobby swallowed hard as he listened to what the kid clearly still had to say, seeing Athena move closer to the kitchen as they both felt the way Buck was slowly losing whatever resolve he had left for the night.
"That night, after I got into my Jeep, I began to feel the telltale signs of a spiral. I tried my best not to give in to my pain, but when I saw you guys coming out of the station, laughing and smiling and teasing each other.. something in me broke so I took off. I decided to take a long drive around the city to at least try to clear my head of the thoughts that were slowly and agonizingly consuming me," Buck went on, tears running down his cheeks freely as he looked at Bobby with so many different emotions flashing through his baby blue orbs.
"But the drive felt suffocating still because.. because everywhere I went in the city reminded me either of the team and you or of the job so I found myself driving away from it. And by then, I'd already lost the battle in my head that I almost didn't see the oncoming car headed straight toward me," Buck said, his voice falling quiet as he stared off into space.
Bobby chanced a glance at his wife who was looking at the kid. He redirected his gaze back to Buck whose eyes were glassy and unseeing as tears ran down his cheeks as he stared into nothing.
"I managed to swerve hard at the last minute, making me lose control of the Jeep for a moment and as I did, I thought, this is it, I'm gonna die alone with no one to at least ease the pain I'm feeling," Buck continued, still staring off into space, voice barely above a whisper almost as if he was lost in memory.
Then, as if pulled from a trance, Buck directed his gaze back at him. And Bobby would have done absolutely anything just to remove all traces of the utterly broken and lost look the kid had in his usually bright eyes.
"And at that moment, I wanted nothing more than to die, Bobby," Buck choked as his tears came.
Bobby felt his heart stop at those words, his eyes widening, and his breath catching. He did not miss the soft gasp Athena had let out at Buck's admission, but the kid didn't seem to have heard it or even realize that they were no longer alone in the kitchen.
"I prayed for it to happen, but it didn't. And the next thing I knew, I was at that deserted beach in the middle of nowhere, screaming and crying and cursing at the top of my lungs about how much I wanted the pain to stop. About how alone and unwanted I felt and how unfair things have gotten when all I ever did was to fight my way back home," Buck said, his voice cracking as he no longer fought the onslaught of his tears.
His legs suddenly gave out and Buck had to lower himself onto the floor, flinching when Bobby rushed to hold him, his eyes wild when he looked up at the man that he would always look for in a sea of people.
The man he would always seek the approval of.
The man he would always want to make proud.
The man he still considered to be his pillar of strength, his stronghold.
The man he recognized as his father in all the ways that mattered.
Buck watched with a broken heart as Bobby crouched next to him, a hesitant look falling and disappearing from his face as he slowly cupped his face with both hands, his thumbs wiping away the tears from his face as Buck suddenly felt the presence of his mother lingering somewhere close to where he and Bobby were.
He allowed himself to get lost in Bobby's familiar soft coffee-brown eyes, and he allowed himself to accept the comfort the man had been clearly wanting to provide to him since the moment they got to the topic leading to the events at the beach that night.
"I.. I just wanted to come back home, Bobby," he told him, voice breaking as he broke eye contact, prompting the older man to back away enough to give him his space once more.
Buck immediately missed the physical contact but was relieved when Bobby took the initiative to let him have his space. He took a shaky breath as he let himself stare into space as he got lost in his thoughts.
Thoughts of all the events that led them to have this conversation.
Thoughts of the endless sleepless nights where he internally begged for someone from the team to just pop by, check on him, ask how he was doing, or even spend a short time with him.
Thoughts of ending up all alone, abandoned by everyone he loved with no one left to call family.
He was slowly spiraling and he knew it. He shook his head and sucked in a breath, eyes wild as he suddenly got up on his feet and looked around before he once again looked at Bobby.
"Where's– I need.. I need Mom. Mom?!" he called out loudly, his panic rising as his thoughts gradually began to overwhelm him.
And just like that, Athena was suddenly standing in front of her son.
She held his hand and gently tugged it towards her direction, her other hand reaching up to cup his face and to tilt it down so they could be eye to eye and was met with a wild-eyed Buck whose fear and panic were clear for her to see in his bloodshot and tearful baby blues.
"Buck, baby? Hey, I'm here. I'm right here, Evan," she said softly as she ran her thumb across his cheek in a soothing manner.
Bloodshot baby blues met dark browns and the change in Buck was apparent as his breathing significantly calmed and the panic and fear in his eyes almost immediately ebbed away.
"Mama?" he breathed, swallowing harshly as he gently held her wrist and blinked up at her as if making sure she was there.
Athena gave him a reassuring smile. "Right here, baby. Come on, deep breaths."
Buck shakily nodded his head and did as he was told.
They stayed like that for a while, with Buck eventually resting his head against his mother's shoulder, breathing in and out for as long as he needed to calm his turbulent thoughts and his raging emotions, and with Athena lightly rubbing a hand on his back, tracing circles in a soothing motion while the other gently ran through his hair.
Athena directed her gaze towards her husband and wasn't at all surprised to see his gaze fixed on the younger man leaning on her. It wasn't long before his eyes snapped up to meet hers, and she gave him a small smile to which he returned one of his own before looking back at their son.
She watched the numerous emotions go through her husband's eyes as he stared at Buck, and Athena wished there was something she could do that could mend their relationship. But she knew well enough that it was something she could not force.
Not on her husband.
Especially not on their son.
Buck has been through a lot of very traumatic things, not only because of the job but also because of familial ties. Athena only knew so little of the Buckleys until they suddenly dropped in for a visit in Los Angeles a few years back. Suffice to say that they were two of her least favorite people after she heard from Bobby how testy and uninterested the both of them were with Buck.
Athena was never one to judge so easily, especially people she has never even met or seen in person, and she has never seen them or Buck at all while the Buckleys were in town. But one look at Buck's dull blue eyes a day after they left Los Angeles was all she needed for them to be on the top of her least favorite people list.
She was brought out of her thoughts when Buck slowly pulled away, his red-rimmed eyes immediately seeking hers as he did.
Athena smiled and planted a gentle kiss on his forehead, eliciting a contented sigh from the younger man. She looked at him, hand coming up to brush a few hairs that stuck to his forehead.
"Better?" she asked.
Buck let out another sigh as he nodded at her with a reserved smile, but a smile nonetheless. Athena would take it over the fear and panicked look he had a while ago.
"Okay. I think you both need a break," she announced, making Buck shake his head.
"But–"
"No buts, Evan," Athena interrupted softly, and she watched as Buck bit his lip, mind probably trying to come up with a response before he eventually settled on looking back at her.
Now it was Athena's turn to sigh. These two were so alike they don't even know it.
"Come on, baby. Help me set the table up while Bobby gets the food ready," she said as she gently pulled Buck by the hand, only to stop when he whipped his head up towards her husband who was quick to reassure their son.
"Listen to your mother, kid," Bobby told him softly, "I'm not going anywhere."
And before Buck could really think about it, the words were tumbling out of his mouth.
"But I am."
Silence.
Bobby tensed, his eyes widening as he asked. "What?"
When the kid closed his eyes with a weary sigh, Bobby locked gazes with Athena before the latter gently tapped the kid's cheek with her finger, prompting him to open his eyes and look at her.
"Buck, baby, what do you mean?" she asked slowly, eyes searching his as he swallowed.
"Not like that, Mama, I.. It's just.. It's been one of the things that have come up frequently in therapy. Remember what I told you about my life before I settled in Los Angeles?" Buck explained, eyes never leaving those dark browns as he spoke.
Athena suddenly understood and she nodded her head. "You're leaving then."
Buck nodded, eyes drifting towards Bobby, who seemed to still be processing all the information, for a split second before his eyes landed on his mother's once again.
"In a couple of weeks. I still have some dates and plans with Maddie, May, and Harry that I need to fulfill before I can take off."
His mother nodded once more at that, a small smile pulling on the corner of her lips.
"I'm assuming they are aware of your plans to leave then?" she asked, a genuine soft smile appeared on the kid's face at that and he nodded.
"They're supportive of it, and are already begging me to bring back souvenirs from wherever I might end up," he disclosed with a light chuckle, shaking his head amused.
"So.. So you're coming back then?" Bobby piped up, drawing the attention of both mother and son.
"You're not leaving for.. for good? Right?" he added, eyes boring into Buck's as he did.
Athena watched the two men stare at each for some time before her eyes eventually drifted back to look at Buck.
Buck who still seemed torn as he fixed his gaze on her husband. Oh, what Athena would give to be able to read what was going on inside his head, help him carry whatever it was he was keeping so close to his chest so he didn't have to do it all alone.
Then, after a few minutes of them staring at each other, Buck slowly nodded his head, earning himself a shaky relieved breath from Bobby.
"I might have gone from one place to another in search of a home for years before I settled in LA, but..," Buck paused, biting his lip as he debated on what he wanted to say before eventually continuing, "But I've stopped looking for it the day you welcomed me to the 118."
Athena watched as Bobby's eyes softened at that admission, how he visibly relaxed, and how a soft smile pulled on his lips as he nodded at what has been said.
"Like I said that day at the station, this.. this is for me. I need to rediscover the world and the me that I can still be without the firefighting. This is me choosing myself," Buck added after a moment of silence following his admission.
"You can do that here," Bobby offered, immediately regretting it as he watched the kid barely hold in a flinch at the tone he inadvertently used.
"Here where almost every single place I know has a memory I associate with you guys? In LA where all I had to myself was firefighting?" Buck countered weakly, an indication that he had indeed thought of it before making the decision of leaving.
He shook his head lightly, his smile fading as he let out a deep sigh.
"I honestly don't think I'll be coming back to firefighting for a long while, but I'm not closing my doors. And there's a whole lot of other things out there that I could still be without the shadow of firefighting hanging over me, Bobby."
Bobby nodded his head in acknowledgement and defeat. He has always known Buck to stand by his decisions and rarely ever changes his mind about them.
"How long will you be gone for?" he asked instead.
"Probably a while," Buck offered with shrug, "Could be months, or could be years."
"But I'll come back, that's for sure," he added, smiling as he looked at his mother.
"My family's here in LA after all," he concluded softly, earning himself a soft smile in return.
"That we are, baby," Athena agreed before directing her gaze to one and then back to the other.
"Okay, come on. Let's set the table now or we won't be eating until nine if this goes on," she remarked, successfully pulling Buck with her this time to go on with the task.
The three of them worked in silence, with Buck helping Athena set the table while Bobby proceeded in taking the mac and cheese out of the oven and grating some more cheese onto it before setting it down on the dining table. All three of them settled down, and it was like any other dinner Buck has had with them before.
He reached over for his glass of orange juice, taking a quick sip just as he caught Bobby's worried gaze, which was understandable considering what they'd just talked about so far in addition to the ones they had prior to that topic.
But Buck had known Bobby long enough to know that it was more than just him being worried about the probability of him not coming back and leaving for good. He understood the look in his eyes now that he knew the reason why the older man did what he did, and to some extent, Buck understood far more than he probably should. He placed his glass down and gave him a small reassuring smile before addressing the man.
"You're still my family, too, Bobby, and you're still my dad. I just.. I just need more time, that's all," Buck told him softly.
"It's okay, kiddo. I understand. Take all the time you need, and when you come back, I'll still be right here waiting," Bobby replied with a small smile of his own.
True to his word, Buck bid his farewell to his family after a few weeks and embarked on his solo journey.
A journey that soon turned days into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years.
He roamed and explored, moving from city to city, state to state, and soon enough, country to country as he traveled from coast to coast, eventually moving south and coming back north.
He picked up some odd jobs here and there in order to earn a little extra money he could save up and use while he was on his escapade. He put his bartending skills into use once more and even visited the ranch he once worked at years before and got another job that he accepted. He enrolled in some local colleges and even tutored some kids along the way.
He'd missed three birthdays for everyone back home, three Thanksgivings, three Christmases, three New Years', basically three of everything including important milestones, but that didn't mean he didn't have any contact at all because, of course, he kept in contact with his family. Every time he would arrive at a new location, the first thing he would always do was to buy a few trinkets and a postcard from the local souvenir shop, write a short letter on it, and have it sent back home where Athena would no doubt share with his siblings and Bobby.
He'd FaceTime with May, Harry, and Maddie almost every day, telling them about what he had been up to for the day, telling them about his next plans in his journey, and asking them how things were back home. The calls would last for hours before eventually, they had to end as it was always getting late.
He also called Athena and Bobby every so often, letting them know that he was okay and that he was enjoying the time he had to himself. Athena had asked him multiple times over the course of his absence when he'd be coming back, but Buck never knew what to answer and would always tell her soon to which his parents would share a brief look before nodding and telling him to be careful and to make sure he knew he could call them whenever he needed.
There were times that he would be calling Bobby out of the blue, something he unconsciously did the first few months he had been away and had been somewhat awkward at first but eventually became a routine for both him and the older man.
Those calls became somewhat healing and helped both men be more communicative and open to each other, something they both seemed to have lacked when they were seeing each other all the time in the past. It allowed them to express thoughts and feelings more than they did before, and it helped paved a way for their relationship to mend itself and eventually become something akin to the relationship they had before everything blew up in their faces.
Of course, Buck also kept up with his virtual sessions with Doctor Copeland. The sessions were no longer hard for him, and his scheduled sessions had been cut down from thrice a week to once a week, which he decided to do every weekend, sometimes becoming twice a week when he felt the need for it as he was traveling.
All in all, his expedition had been great. It gave him the freedom to become himself without the shadow of what he temporarily left back home looming over him. He learned various things and skills, and also some things about himself in the journey he chose to do.
All throughout his expedition, Buck never did once go somewhere with a beach.
And now, after two and a half years of rediscovering himself, Buck found himself parking the Jeep at the same deserted beach he almost threw himself into exactly three years ago today. He was on his way back home, intending to surprise everyone that he was back when he realized that the route he had chosen would pass by it.
Buck got out of his Jeep, leaning against it as he crossed his arms, eyes taking in the vast expanse of the sea as he reflected on the stark difference between that night versus now.
Three years ago, he was here because he wanted to run away and never come back. He was miserable and was drowning in his pain, and he had wanted to take the dark path that had no chance of turning back from.
And now, three years later, he was here because it just so happened that he passed it on his way back home.
Back to where he belonged.
Back to his family.
He stared at the sea and let the cold breeze envelop him as he just stood there, leaning against his Jeep. Buck had no idea how much time had passed but the sun was no longer up when his phone started vibrating in his pocket.
He fished it out, a smile tugging on his lips as he stared at the photo he just received from May. It was a group photo of all three of his siblings and their parents, evidently posing for a quick photo in the kitchen where various vegetables, some dough, cheese, chicken, and pasta along with some scattered kitchen utensils could be seen on the kitchen counter. He was just about to type in a reply when a text from his younger sister came in.
Preparing for the weekly Buckley-Grant-Nash family dinner. After some much probing from Maddie, Harry, and I, Mom and Bobby allowed us to help in the kitchen. Wish you were here, Ev. We miss you. Come back home soon?
The smile on his face widened after reading. Every single time one of them would text him, they never failed to include the question, and for every single one, Buck always had the same response which he added to his reply and sent back.
Hope you guys don't drive Mom and Bobby crazy in the kitchen or dinner will be a disaster. Lol. I miss you guys, too, and don't worry I'll be home sooner than you think.
He watched as the message was immediately marked as read and the three-dot typing indicator appeared, and soon enough another message was received.
It probably will be a disaster, but I guess that's where the fun is at. It would be much fun if you were home though. But I get it, Ev. Family FaceTime later then?
A plan suddenly formed in his head, and his fingers danced across the screen as he typed in his response, sending it over as he climbed back in the Jeep.
No promises, May. I just did a quick stop for gas and to stretch my legs. I'm about to hit the road again. I'll call you when I reach my destination, okay?
He watched those three dots appear and disappear for a moment before a message was received.
Oh, okay then. Send me a text every now and then so I know you're okay, alright? Mom says to not drive when you feel restless, and Bobby says he's making your favorite mac and cheese tonight as a bribe to come home.
Grinning at the bit about Bobby, Buck sent one last text.
Copy all that, lil'sis, and tell Bobby that I'm holding him to that bribe when I finally do come home. I gotta go, I'll call you soon. I love you, May.
He placed his phone in the center console, eyes drifting back to the expanse of the sea before merging back into the road. Soon enough, the view of the vast sea and tall trees slowly faded into familiar buildings and establishments as he arrived back in Los Angeles.
The familiarity of it all sent evocative emotions welling up in his chest as he continued the drive, reaching over for the GPS and turning it off as he was no longer in danger of getting lost in the city.
Buck allowed himself to let his eyes roam around, taking in what changed and what did not in the years that he was away. Smiling to himself, Buck made a quick detour to one of the local shops and bought two tubs of ice cream and a postcard, and before he knew it, he was pulling up in the driveway with his headlights turned off.
He killed the engine and just sat there for a couple of minutes, eyes drawn to the house he hadn't been to in three years. Grinning to himself, he removed his seatbelt and twisted around to grab his bag from the backseat before reaching over for the bag of ice cream and the postcard that he bought.
Buck made his way over to the front door, carefully using the key Athena had given him and silently let himself in the house. The young man knew sneaking his way in like this was probably a recipe for disaster with his mother, but he just knew it was going to be worth the words she probably will have for him once they all realize that he was back home.
The aroma that emanated from the kitchen was enough to make Buck's mouth water and the voices drifting from the same direction almost made him want to run to the kitchen. But he restrained himself and quietly made his way down the stairs, settling his bag on the couch and the ice cream on the coffee table as he fished his phone out of his pocket and held the postcard at arm's length as he opted to call his dad instead via FaceTime.
He heard Bobby's phone go off somewhere inside the kitchen, and mixed feelings of anxiety and excitement filled his veins just as he heard Bobby's voice.
"Wait, Harry could you hold this? I think someone's calling me."
His brother's soft reply, a couple of footsteps, the sound of kitchen utensils being used, and his mother's soft inquiry–
"Who is it?"
–was all he heard before the call connected, and everything stopped.
The five of them must have grouped together to talk to him because all at once, Buck heard knives dropping, pots clanging, and rapid footsteps approaching as he looked up to see Bobby standing there, looking at him in disbelief, and soon enough Athena, May, Harry, and Maddie all followed suit.
Buck would have laughed at how comical their faces looked, but he didn't. Instead, he chuckled to himself, ending the call and showing them the Los Angeles postcard he had in hand, but his eyes were trained on Bobby who had a million different emotions in those familiar coffee-brown eyes.
Emotions that Buck knew the man would ever only let his mother see.
Emotions that he knew were because Bobby finally had his son back home.
That Buck was back home.
Athena felt so many emotions all at once and she wanted nothing more than to run up to him and hug him tightly, but she was quick to realize, as did May and Maddie, that this was a moment between father and son. She gently held Harry by the arm when he made a move to come forward, shaking her head at him when he looked up with a questioning gaze before gesturing to both Buck and her husband.
"I heard you had a bribe for me to come home, and you know I definitely wasn't going to pass up on your famous mac and cheese so I bought some ice cream a-and..," Buck paused, breath hitching as his emotions got the best of him as he felt tears well up in his eyes as he held the older man's gaze.
Bobby slowly closed the gap between them, stopping when he was about an arm's length away from his kid. He swallowed the lump in his throat and let out a tearful chuckle as he greeted him.
"Hey, son."
Buck let out a soft laugh, hand coming up to wipe against his cheeks, eyes shining as he nodded in acknowledgement. Over the course of his expedition and the mend their relationship had taken, Buck was pleased that Bobby had started calling him that more and more frequently than he did before.
And though their relationship took a turn for the better while he was away, he still hasn't had it in him to call Bobby Dad just yet, something the older man seemed to have understood without the need for words his hesitation and just told him to take all the time that he needed and that there was no rush in any way or form which Buck was grateful for.
But now that he was back, Buck felt like all the pieces were finally falling into place and he felt like nothing could have ever felt as perfect as this moment, so his mind suddenly made up, and he responded in the only way that his heart would accept.
"Hey, Dad."
And just like that, Buck suddenly found himself pulled into a bone-crushing hug, the postcard falling from his grip as he wrapped his arms around his father in return.
May wiped away the tears in her eyes at the reunion and she carefully picked up the fallen card, flipping it over and releasing a wet chuckle at the words scribbled in Buck's familiar handwriting.
See? I told you I'll be home sooner than you think.
She looked up to find that her mother, Maddie, and Harry all have joined in on the hugging and greetings, all smiling with tears on their faces as they hugged and kissed her brother on the cheek.
Buck then looked up at his younger sister and tilted his head over, asking her to join the group hug. The smile she gave as she walked over and joined in made something in him finally feel complete.
It felt like the long-lost piece of the puzzle in his heart finally fell back into its rightful place.
Like he had finally reached the end of the tunnel and found the light once more.
Because at long last.
He was back home.