I own nothing you recognize. All original characters are my own.

Chapter Eighteen

"She goes from hysterical to catatonic. I'm doing what I can Gemma but she's never been like this before, not even when Gloria died. Yeah, I'm staying with her Clay already called. I only have to go to church, just out the door. I'll have one of the croweater's stay with her during the meeting. What kind of man do you think I am Gemma? Her best friend in the fucking world got killed, she needs me. If you think I'm so worthless, come be her mother. No don't I can handle it." He closed his cell and crawled in bed with me, as he pulled me into his arms I turned and wrapped my arms around him.

"I love you, babe. I'm sorry I'm like this…so fucking sorry." I felt the tears escape again and he ran his fingers through my hair.

"Tell me what you're thinking Milla, you can't keep it inside. Opie and the kids need you, we all need you." I tightened my grip on him and buried my face in his chest.

"Why Donna? She never hurt a single person in her fucking life, she hardly even swore. She was so good. This makes no sense baby, nothing makes fucking sense. I have these thoughts swirling through my head, thoughts I shouldn't be having, I can't tell them to anybody because I'm scared of what could happen to me." I pulled myself from him violently and threw myself over the edge of the bed. I wanted to get away before he asked, but I knew I wouldn't make it.

"What thoughts? " I looked back before I slid down the wall and wrapped my arms around my knees.

"I can't…" I shook my head and he got out of bed and slid along the wall next to me.

"What you say doesn't leave this room Milla, I would rather die than have you hurt." He sat next to me without making a move towards me.

"I don't think the Niners had a damn thing to do with this." I let it drop at that, I didn't want to say anything else.

"Who do you think did?" His voice was even and I could tell he knew what I was thinking.

"This wasn't a gangland shooting Juice; it was an execution, an extermination." The words hung heavy in the air and I unwound my arms and just sat while he rubbed his palms over his eyes.

"You keep those suspicions to yourself babe, please. I can't tell you anything about anything so I can't confirm or deny, just please keep quiet. I don't wanna have to bury you next to Donna just because you let the wrong theory slip." He looked into my eyes and I could see that he had something heavy on his mind, a terrible guilt.

"Donna's gone and it doesn't matter why or who did it." He nodded and pulled me into his arms as I made the herculean effort to pull myself together. "I need to get to Opie's, help with Ellie and Kenny. My little monsters need me."

"I'll bring you home; you can change and clean up." He rose and tried to help me up but I was frozen in place. I couldn't go back there. He looked down and saw me frozen, he sighed but stopped himself. "I'll take you to Clay's; you can get a change of clothes and a long shower there."

I got up and moved to him. He looked so confused, I could tell he didn't know how to deal with my mood swings but he was trying, he loved me enough not to give up. At the mention of the house I had started to feel a blind panic and I needed to snap out of it. I pulled myself flush against Juice's body and he responded by pushing me off of him.

"We can't fuck every time you feel crazy. You need to find another way to ground yourself baby, I love you but I can't do that for you, not right now." I looked down, ashamed that my best friend, a woman I loved, was dead and the only way I could find a bit of sanity was to fuck my fiancé. He was right I needed to find some other way to get my head straight.

I didn't say anything else as I threw on my clothes from the night before and walked out into the clubhouse. Chibs was standing by the bar and without a word came and wrapped his arms around me. I accepted the hug and looked up with a sad watery smile.

"Chibs, can you do me a favor?" I felt the first new tear of the day escape.

"Whatever you need darlin'." He placed his hands on my shoulders in a steady squeeze.

"Can you bring me to Ma's for a little while then drop me off at Ope's? I think Juice needs a break." I said the last when I felt eyes on me from the dorms. Chibs looked over my head and seemed to be having a private conversation.

"I'll be waiting by my bike sweetheart, come out when you're ready." He gave me a quick kiss on the temple before he walked out the door.

"Baby." I turned around when I heard Juice's voice; he was fully dressed and had his keys in his hands.

"You do need a break; you've been psychiatrist, whore, punching bag and doctor all in one. You need to be away from me, have some time to grieve in your own way. Come to Opie's in a few hours, I'll be ready to come home then." He nodded his understanding and closed the distance between us. He pulled me into his arms and held tightly while he kissed the top of my head.

"I'll be all that and a lot more for you baby. If you need me don't hesitate for a fucking second, just call me and I'll drop everything." He gave me a brutal kiss before he turned me around and gave me a gentle push toward the door.

I went outside and climbed on Chibs' bike. It felt nice to be riding with him, no preconceptions, no insanity just a dear friend giving me a ride. At the house I resisted the urge to sink to the floor. I needed to go to Opie's, take care of my little monsters. After I cleaned up Chibs brought me to Opie's without a word and went out to talk to Opie while I stood awkwardly in the kitchen with Mary.

"Is there anything I can do?" I asked and she came and wrapped me in a hug.

"She loved you like a sister. I know you tried to help her and my boy all you could." I held her while she cried. I needed to let someone else grieve for a while. I looked out the window and saw the kids on the swing while Jax, Opie and Chibs sat and talked. I needed to go to the kids, make sure they were doing ok, I knew they weren't good.

"I still love her Mary." I said softly as she nodded and brought herself under control. "I'm going to go see how my god babies are doing. Unless you need anything?"

"No, Ellie's been asking for you and Juice all morning. I think seeing you could even her out." I nodded and walked outside. The first thing I did was walk up to Opie, who got out of his chair and pulled me into a crushing hug. The tears started and didn't stop until Jax pulled me away and kissed my head as he hugged me tight. We three had lost so much, not Juice, not Chibs, Tig…none of them could understand it. Once I felt stable again I went to the swing set and Ellie got off the swing and wrapped her arms around my neck while I sat with her in my arms against the swingset. Kenny didn't understand what was going on but when Ellie and I started crying his protective instincts kicked in and he put his arms around us and the three of us stayed hugging for so long that I didn't even register the time until Opie came and got them for lunch before he held out a hand and pulled me into his arms, holding me while I finished this new batch of tears.

"I am so sorry Ope, so fucking sorry." He kissed the top of my head and didn't say anything before he let me go. I went into the house and helped Mary with the kids and phone duties. As I fielded the hundredth call of the day I felt something cold enter my stomach, I was going numb again and I fought it, I was in Donna's home. This wasn't about me.

"Winston residence." I spoke firmly into the phone as I managed to squash the numb.

"This is the Johnston Funeral Home. We are preparing Mrs. Winston for a closed casket ceremony and need some of her clothing. Could someone bring an outfit to the funeral home by the end of the business day?" He sounded so professional, so fucking impersonal, didn't he know that a woman we fucking loved died. The anger was good but he wasn't who I wanted to direct it at. The bastard who killed Donna was the one who deserved my anger.

"Someone will be there. Are there any specific requirements that should be taken into account?" I asked as my throat started to close.

"Just something you wish for Mrs. Winston to remain in, as it is closed casket only immediate family will be allowed to view the body." So fucking cool and professional.

"Certainly sir, have a nice day." I could be professional too.

I walked back to Opie and Donna's room and started going through her closet. I knew Opie and Mary weren't up to it and I already knew what Donna would want to be buried in. I moved clothes out of the way until I found what I was looking for. It was her dinner dress that she didn't get to wear often but when she did she was gorgeous. It was a beautiful eggplant color with three quarter inch sleeves and a lace bodice under a modest neckline. It went down to a little under her knee but I doubted they were going to be looking that low. I found an empty dry cleaning bag and wrestled the dress into it before I grabbed her matching bra and panties from her drawer, I had no idea what they needed so I decided to get everything, including shoes, stockings and some costume jewelry. I knew she'd want Ellie to have her real jewelry, as little as there was. Once I had everything I sat down on the floor and just stared at the bottom of the closet before I heard the thud of boots coming down the hall.

"She always loved that dress." I looked up to see Opie standing in the doorway taking in what I'd picked. "She'd be proud to know you're looking out for her like this."

"What do you wanna do Ope?" It was a loaded question but he simply looked from the clothes to me.

"I can't do it; I can barely keep it together." I nodded and got up.

"Don't worry about it then. I'll have Kip bring my Jeep and we'll go to the funeral home. Just make sure my little monsters are doing better." He gave me a hug and another kiss on the top of the head.

"I don't know how I'll ever be able to thank you for doing this." I shook my head.

"I just wish I didn't have to." He held me tighter, fully understanding. "I love you Ope, you and Jax are the best big brothers I could ever ask for."

He let me go and walked out of the room while I called Kip. It took Kip no time at all to get to Opie's and after a hug and kiss to each of the kids we went to the funeral home. Kip looked sad and nervous the whole time and I couldn't blame him. He'd probably been told I was horribly unstable and to be cautious.

"Thank you for doing this for me Kip. You could have easily had Juice or even Chibs do it. Even though you're the Prospect this is a big deal." I clutched the clothes tightly; nothing was going to happen to them.

"I wanted to do this Milla, show you that I'm here for you and Opie. You've helped me so much in the last few months, with Cherry, the club… I'd be a pretty shitty friend if I abandoned you." He gave me a genuine smile and I reached out a hand and put it on his arm.

"You're a great friend Kip." We were silent after that and he didn't act as nervous.

Once we got to the funeral home I made Kip stay in the jeep while I took care of business. They took the dress, undergarments and jewelry but left me with the shoes, they couldn't do anything with them anyway. As soon as I handed over the clothes and filled in some paper work I left. I needed to leave, to go somewhere. When I went outside I expected to see Kip waiting for me, instead I saw Juice sitting on his bike smoking a cigarette and glancing nervously at the door. When he saw me he stood up and dropped his cigarette, simply waiting for me to come to him.

"Where's Kip?" I asked as I clutched the shoes and stockings.

"I sent him to the house to finish some things. I wanted to see how you're doing. Opie said you were looking lost." I chuckled at the last part. Just like Opie to ignore his own pain if he thought someone he loved was hurting.

"Baby, I've never felt more lost in my life." This time he closed the distance between us and pulled me into his arms. I needed him, more than I'd ever needed anyone in my life. "I'm sorry I'm so crazy."

He didn't say a word as he held me closer. I knew he was still working through my mood swings and it made me appreciate him all the more. If he would have left me I wouldn't have blamed him, but if I wanted proof that he was in it for the long haul this was it.

"After the funeral I wanna go to Reno, you and me. We can find a chapel; get the marriage license, everything. I need this with you." He pressed his forehead to mine and simply held me.

"Even after this you still want to marry me?" It was the discussion we needed to have after our morning.

"How could you even question that? Nothing you could do could push me away, nothing." He brought his mouth to mine and I felt a little of my insanity fade away.

Suddenly his cell rang and he pulled away from me and walked out of ear shot. Things were turning strange. Until a few days ago he kept no secrets from me, I knew everything that went down with the club. Now I wasn't sure if I wanted to know. He came back and gave me a sad look.

"That was Clay, we're having church. He needs me back. Where do you wanna go baby?" He took my hand and we walked to his bike.

"I don't know, I can't go back to Ope's. Not right now and if I go back to our house I'll just go numb again if I'm alone. If you leave me with a vehicle there's a good chance I'll run. Maybe you should just put a bullet in my head, that's the only thing that'll stop this." Suddenly he tensed and whirled around on me.

"Don't you fucking say that Milla! If I lost you…Jesus Christ! I'm bringing you to the garage and finding someone to babysit you, otherwise you're not getting out of my fucking sight." He thrust my helmet at me and took the shoes, putting them in his saddlebag while I blinked at him and put on the helmet. Once he was settled I got on the bike behind him and we sped to the garage. Once we were there, Juice grabbed my arm roughly and hauled me into the office. I'd scared him and that pissed him off. Mom looked at us as he forced me down into the visitor's seat and they shared a silent conversation before he turned on his heel and walked off. Mom gave me a soft look and held out her hand, I took it.

"I think he's gonna leave me Ma." Once I got it out I started sobbing and mom came from behind the desk and pulled me into her arms.

"No baby, no. He's here, just scared and pissed off. Give him some credit. Come on, get it out baby."I don't know how long she held me but I needed my mom's strength and she seemed to realize that. Soon enough I grew exhausted and mom held me tighter as I started to sag.

"I'm so tired ma, can you walk me to the clubhouse?" I asked as she placed a kiss to my temple.

"Of course baby." She helped me up and walked me to the clubhouse, acting equal parts mama bear and queen. Once inside she decreed that I needed rest and walked me to an empty dorm room and forced me in the bed. I was out as soon as my head hit the pillow.

I woke up screaming a few hours later and suddenly the door slammed open and Jax came running in. He sat with me and rocked me in his arms while I fought to catch my breath. He hadn't done that since we were kids. I loved my big brother and had been missing him for the last few weeks.

"Jax, god I'm so sorry Jax." I clutched his cut and he let me cry against him.

"Hey, Millipede, no sorry's. You didn't do anything. The woman you loved like a sister just died, you have a reason to be a little crazy." He held me tighter and I started to calm down as he began to stroke my hair.

"Juice is going to leave me." I said quietly as Jax placed his head on top of mine.

"No he's not. He may be an idiot but he's not stupid enough to let the best thing that ever happened to him go. Shit Milla, you're the only thing on his mind right now. He wants to fix you and doesn't know how. It doesn't matter, if he bails you have us, your family and we're all you need." I nodded and clutched his cut tighter, for the first time in my life finding no comfort in the leather.

"You're probably busy with shit bro, got more important things to do than deal with your crazy hysterical sister." I moved away and wiped my eyes, while Jax loosened his grip but still caressed my hair.

"Nothing is more important than family right now. I do have to meet with Clay, but if you need me I'll be there. If I see Juice, want me to send him your way?" He asked as he kissed the top of my head.

"No, he doesn't need my crazy right now." I grabbed a tissue from the nightstand as he got off the bed and moved toward the door and blew my nose.

"No matter what happens you have family. Don't forget that Millipede." He gave me a soft look before he got out and closed the door behind him.

I sat in the bed and stared at my hands for a very long time, long enough for the light to fade from the windows, before I realized that I had no idea what I was wearing to the funeral the next day. I'd have to go home. I took a few deep, calming breaths as my heart started beating too fast and got out of bed, surprised to see that I was barefoot and clad in one of Juice's t-shirts over my jeans. I was so out of it that it didn't even register before. Mom must have done it while I slept. I found a pair of flip-flops by the closet and I wasn't picky so I put them on and padded out into the main room, Juice was sitting at the bar with a cut folded next to his laptop. He looked upset so I went to him and linked arms with him, before I rested my head on his shoulder. He rested his head on mine and sighed.

"I love you." I whispered as he placed a kiss where his head had rested.

"I love you so fucking much Milla." He sighed again and I removed my arms and moved away from him.

"Can you bring me home? I need to figure out what I'm wearing tomorrow." I hugged myself tightly and he brushed my hair out of my face.

"Home, home or Clay's?" He asked as he continued to stroke my hair.

"Home, our home. I need to go back baby, we worked too hard and put too much into it to just abandon it." I didn't think I was simply talking about the house and he nodded.

"You're right baby, we put too much into it. I'll bring you home." He shut his laptop and I unwound my arms from around myself. He wound an arm around my waist and clutched me tightly; we were going to be ok.

Author's Note: Almost done with this story. I'm not going to lie to you, this is hard stuff to write, despite some drama Milla and Juice usually have a light hearted vibe going and this is anything but. Lately Milla has been a way for me to work out my demons, I've had the numb and it's scary as hell, the only difference is that I didn't have Juice to work through it with. I'm working on a story that will be set between seasons and would like your feedback. I'm doing the wedding, but I'm stuck as to what should happen for them. I want it relatively fluffy, but with an MC edge. Any input would be welcome. Also, many thanks to my loyal reviewers and readers, I write for you.