A/N Sorry for the long wait for a new chapter. Life got a bit busy. Hope you enjoy this.
Chapter 15- Bella
"So this is how you move the bishop."
Emmett and I sat facing across each other on the brand new kitchen table. A chess table lay between us. I didn't recall ever touching one in my entire life. It was already two days after the peculiar excursion to Hurricane Ridge, and I was back to boredom again. Emmett had work off and found an old chess board stashed away in the closet.
He slid the oddly shaped piece called the bishop across the board, but I already forgot how the other pieces moved. "Okay wait. How do you move the knight again?" I asked.
"Like this." Emmett grabbed the horse piece and moved in a weird L shape. My brain was confused. I examined all the pawns and other weirdly shaped figures in front of me, trying to encode in my head how they maneuvered. Pawns can move forward one or two spaces on the first round. I remembered that much.
"Alright, I got it. I think I'm ready."
I moved one of the center pawns forward, and Emmett did the same. Not even two minutes later, Emmett had me in checkmate, and I had no idea how we got to this point. He was like a fucking wizard.
"Haha, sucker," Emmett howlered. "I'm the undefeated chess champion once again."
"Actually, you've lost to everyone before. You're the champion of nothing," Alice called, walking into the kitchen. I most definitely believed her.
"That's not true. Don't listen to her, Bella. She's just jealous of my advanced expertise."
I laughed. "This was my first time. Give me a break. I call for a rematch."
"Are you sure you could handle it?" Emmett challenged me.
"I need to prove to myself that I can learn this. Let's go." I didn't want to give up so easily. This turned out to be surprisingly fun.
Emmett and I played a second game, and this time I lasted five minutes before he beat me. I was getting a better hang of how the pieces moved, but I still struggled to watch out for all of them at the same time. I did manage to take out one of Emmett's knights and a couple pawns.
"Dude, this is so hard. I just don't think I'm cut out for this."
"It helps if you try to move all your pieces out on the board early on," Alice suggested from behind me, having watched us play.
We played a third time, and it lasted much longer. I took Alice's advice and spread all pawns out in random directions, trying to block Emmett's pieces. I took long pauses to think over my moves and felt uneasy with Alice watching me over my shoulder. Esme, Carlisle, and Rosalie came home and sat around the table with Alice to watch. I grew nervous having all of their eyes on me. They stared at the board in relative silence, as if our playing the game was the most exciting thing ever. I lost track of time, but at some point Emmett and I took out each other's queens, and we were severely weakened.
I almost felt like giving up, but suddenly I saw a direct path from my bishop to his king, and . . .
"Checkmate," I called. I couldn't contain the smile on my face. I actually won something. This was the first time in a long time I actually remembered winning something. How depressing was that?
"Wow, congrats Bella," Carlisle applauded me from the opposite end of the table.
"What the hell?" Emmett laughed, rubbing his arm over his forehead.
"Eh, I beat you mother fucker. You can wipe that smug look off your face."
"It took you like, um, three times."
"Yeah three times after never having played before. I beat you, who is a supposed expert," I teased.
Emmett rolled his eyes. "Clearly, I let you win."
"Alice, did Emmett let me win?"
"Not in the slightest. I think he's what you would call a sore loser. He has a very fragile ego." Alice chuckled in her seat beside me. I imagined the Cullens were usually very competitive with each other and would get a lot more heated if they were playing against each other.
Suddenly, Jasper burst from the front door. He was gone all day. I had no clue where he'd been. We hadn't spoken since our magical nature walk together that I couldn't stop thinking about. I told him so many secrets that I never really told anyone before, and I got to learn a lot more about him too. He'd been acting relatively shy since then, and I haven't seen him much.
"What's all the commotion here?" Jasper asked, looking at the table.
"Bella just beat Alice in chess. I know. I couldn't believe it either," Rosalie claimed. I rolled my eyes.
"I didn't know you were a secret chess queen Bella," Jasper laughed, taking a seat next to me. His arm lightly touched mine, and I felt a small shiver.
"I find out I have new talents every day," I muttered.
"You two should play together. Bella, Jasper is the real undefeated champion. He's never lost once against any of us," Alice declared.
"I don't know if I'm ready for that." I laughed nervously, looking over at Jasper who had a small smile on his face. My stomach tied in knots. I really didn't want to embarrass myself in front of him.
"I have time. You up for a challenge?" Jasper raised an eyebrow.
"I have to see this," Emmett said, shifting his eyes between the two of us.
"I guess so. I did beat Emmett now, didn't I?"
Jasper moved to the opposite end of his table, and I actually felt cold now that his presence was gone.
"Please, go easy on me," I pleaded. Jasper nodded. I was actually going to play against him in a game of mental calculations, and I was at a severe disadvantage. I didn't klnow if it was because everyone was watching or because I didn't want to appear weak in front of Jasper, but was trembling with anxiety.
We organized the board with the Cullens surrounding us on all sides. Once we started, I moved my pawns near the outer edges forward, and Jasper copied my moves. I tried to follow how I beat Emmett and scrambled all my pieces across the board. Jasper did the same, and somehow managed to trap most of my pieces.
The game lasted longer than I expected. My king was backed into a corner, while he didn't even touch his once. I was losing, but suddenly I saw an opening for my knight to take out his queen.
"You sure you want to do that?" he asked when I was about to make my move.
"Well, what else can I do?" I knocked out his queen and a couple pawns while I was at it. Turned out to be a big mistake.
He swiftly took out my queen, both of my rooks, and before I knew it, he had me in checkmate.
"Good game." He stood up and shook my hand in civility. I had no choice but to oblige. I reached for his hand, and it felt ice cold just as always. It seemed the Cullens liked to sleep in refrigerators.
"I don't even know what just happened," I said while rubbing my eyes. How was Jasper that fucking good?
The next day, Angela agreed to drive me to that auto repair shop Rosalie worked at in La Push. I hadn't seen Angela in person since she visited me in the hospital. We only texted occasionally since then.
I was finally going to get a new car again and be able to leave the house more often. I've been dying to get out more ever since I got here, but I've been a couch potato the entire time with nothing to do. My mobility was a lot better, and I was able to walk short distances without my crutches. Carlisle determined my right leg was strong enough to hit the brakes and gas pedal.
I walked outside and saw Angela's car waiting in the Cullen's driveway. I didn't need my crutches, though Angela did come out to help me maintain balance in case I fell.
"I knew their house was big, but I wasn't expecting this." Angela giggled once we were both situated in her car, and she started backing out.
"I know, it looks like a castle. It's even bigger on the inside," I laughed.
"Dr. Cullen's just a doctor. I mean, I know they make a lot of money, but with this property, he's practically a multi-millionaire."
"Yeah, I thought about that too before. His parents must have been super rich or something, but I never asked anyone about it because, well, I don't think they'd like that." I could only imagine how much money was really in their bank account.
"So, how've you been? You seem to be doing a lot better now," she said as we drove down the gravel road towards the main highway.
"My leg is a lot better now. I think I'll still need crutches for a few more weeks, but I'm pretty much able to move around without anyone helping me. I can walk just fine on flat surfaces."
"That's great!" she exclaimed. "It doesn't hurt at all, does it?"
"I mean, it aches every now and then, but Carlisle gave me some good pain medication, so I usually don't feel anything."
"It's great you always have a doctor by your side whenever you need help," she said. "So what's it like living with the Cullens?"
"Umm," I paused, trying to think of the best word to describe them. "It's interesting, I'd say."
"Interesting? How so?"
I hesitated. I haven't had the chance to talk with anyone about the Cullens for almost a month now, and it felt like I wasn't supposed to. Everything they did was so private. I wondered if I could get in trouble if I shared too much information.
"They're just odd," I began. "Carlisle and Esme are very nice to me, but their kids are all kind of weird. Alice, you know her, right?"
"Yeah. I see her and Emmett around town all the time. They're the sociable ones of the group, but the others all usually stay to themselves."
"Yeah, they do. Well Alice, I guess has instantly inserted herself as my best friend, and she wants to spend time with me every day. I like her, don't get me wrong, but sometimes, she can be a little overbearing," I sighed. I really did like being around Alice and relaxing with her on the couch, but she does have a bit too much energy for me sometimes. But I'd rather hang out with her than sit by myself all day.
"How's Emmett? I saw him when I ate at Pacific Pizza with Ben. I think he really likes you."
"Yeah, he's nice. I really like talking to him, but I don't see him often because he's usually always at work. It's a shame."
"Well, he waited at our table, and he told me that you seem to be getting along pretty well with everyone."
"That's not entirely true." He was just being too nice. "I'm pretty sure Rosalie, his girlfriend, hates me. Well, she seemed to hate me at first, and now she just ignores me. And then there's Alice's boyfriend Edward who is hardly ever in the house, and he's only spoken to me once. I feel like I almost chased him out of the house somehow because whenever I enter a room, he leaves. And then there's Jasper. I think he's the oldest one. I have no idea what to make of him."
"I'm not sure I ever met Jasper," Angela contemplated. "But yeah, Rosalie is pretty unfriendly. I don't know what her problem is, but she's always angry at other people beside her family. But that is surprising about Edward though. I've met him at the store when he came shopping with Alice a couple times, and he's always been pretty nice."
"Maybe you're confusing him with Jasper, because he always leaves the room whenever I enter. I have no idea why. He's left town to live with some family for over a week now. They didn't give me any clear reason why he left."
I felt uneasy bringing up Edward, like I was betraying the Cullens somehow. They never suggested I couldn't talk about him, but they were keeping everything about his behavior so secretive. I decided not to bring up the events that happened on movie night. That would open a whole can of worms I wanted to leave behind.
"That's odd. I didn't know the Cullens had any family living in this area."
"I think he went somewhere out of state."
"That's very weird," Angela considered, concern in her voice. "Anyway, tell me about Jasper. What does he look like? I'm not sure I met him."
"He's like average height, and he's got wavy blonde hair." I sighed thinking about him, just picturing his perfect face. "Obviously, he's really good looking just like the rest of them. Probably the most good looking guy of the bunch."
"Oh, I think I have seen him once before. He is really good looking, isn't he?" she agreed. We both burst into giggles. "You don't have a little crush on him, do you?"
"Hey, come on now. Of course not," I told her. I tried to control my laughter. "He's too young, and I just haven't cared to think about anyone like that for over a while now. I have other things to worry about." After all the shenanigans of the past year, I couldn't possibly think about being in a relationship right now. I didn't want or need that. Most of all, getting involved with a Cullen . . . well Jasper was a Whitlock, would be too complicated.
"How old is he?" Angela asked.
"Like twenty. I think he's the oldest one."
"And you're twenty-two, right? That's not that young compared to you."
"Hey now, I'm almost twenty-three. That is a sizable age gap in my opinion," I insisted.
"If you say so. What's Jasper like in person? I never hear anything much about him," she asked.
"He's actually really nice. We've had a lot of good conversations. He's usually so quiet. I don't see him around enough."
Jasper was very attractive and all. I couldn't deny that. Talking to him these past few weeks has been amazing. I already missed our short hiking trip by the lake, which was probably one of the happiest moments in my life. Needless to say, I needed to stop thinking about it so much. We were just friends. We probably wouldn't be friends for too much longer. At some point, I'd have to leave the Cullens and move away again. For the first time, the thought of that made me sad.
"Does he have a job or something?"
"Not that I know of. He's usually up in his room or outside somewhere. He eats dinner with me sometimes, and we chat."
I still had no idea what he spent his time doing all day. He was very mysterious in a way. Maybe he just laid in bed listening to all those damn vinyls he owned or he was a top secret computer hacker.
"That's nice. I think you really needed a friend like that." Angela turned toward me a bit and smiled. She was always so kind. Just like Esme. She was right though. I hadn't had a good friend like Jasper in a very long time. I didn't realize how much I missed it.
"I do too," I sighed. "So what's going on with you and Ben? You haven't told me about him in a while."
"Things are going pretty well," she gushed. "It's kinda crazy that we've been together since junior year. My mom always keeps telling me that high school relationships don't last, and it would probably be better if I were single for a while or dated some other people, but honestly we're very happy together. I've never wanted to break up with him. I can't imagine being without him."
Angela was the complete opposite of me and everything that I want to be but never will be. She had such a normal life. She actually went to college and plans to get a normal job, unlike me who completely gave up on any career goals after I barely graduated high school. And she's actually in a stable relationship that lasted for more than two years. My so-called high school "sweetheart" turned out to be a complete asshole, and we ended things right after I moved away. I've only been in one toxic relationship after another since then. Honestly good for her for maintaining a relationship that long, which is something that I'd never be able to do. She'd probably be married with kids by the time I was living in my own place again. But it's whatever. I didn't even want to get married. I kept telling myself that.
"I'm happy for you guys," I cheered. I was totally happy for her. Not lying at all.
"Thank you. I'm just waiting for him to propose. Any day now." Angela beamed talking about Ben. I stiffened in my seat beside her.
"The thought of marriage makes me sick. But if you're ready for it, go for it. I hope he does propose to you."
"I hope he does too," Angela whispered to herself quietly.
God, how I wished I could trade lives with Angela. Even just for a day. I'd love to know what true happiness felt like.
Anxiety filled my stomach the rest of the car ride. We were headed straight into La Push, and there was a small chance I could run into Jacob Black. Rosalie told me he worked with her at the dealership. I prayed to god he'd have the day off. We left off on horrible terms the last time we saw each other, and I had no clue how he'd react if he saw me again. It's been four years, so he may have forgiven me by now, but I couldn't help but think that he might still be angry with me. He wasn't as even-tempered and humble as Angela was. He held a lot of grudges. I felt like throwing up thinking about it.
We reached the parking lot of Black's Auto Service Center, and Angela walked with me inside. It was a really small building with a bunch of vehicles for sale filling up the parking lot outside. There were a few people sitting in the waiting room. I saw Rosalie of all people at the reception desk with a black expression on her face. Alice told me that she likes to fix up cars, so I thought she would be helping out with the mechanics. Yet, here she was in customer service, looking miserable. Even dressed in a work uniform with her hair pulled back, she was still easily the most beautiful person in the room.
Rosalie looked up when the bell on the door rang and shook her head as soon as I entered. It's usually pretty awkward to be around her. Ever since our shopping trip a while back, the tension between us had dissipated, but we literally never had anything to talk about.
"Well, here you are. It's about damn time," she complained. I rolled my eyes. I'd gotten used to her constant berating attitude by now.
"Do we have to wait for the truck to be ready?" I asked, a bit nervous. I looked around and didn't see any other employees, so maybe Jacob isn't working here today. If he was here, I needed some more time to sit and think before I was ready to face him.
"That won't be necessary," Rosalie stated in her dry, customer friendly voice. "The truck is waiting outside for you. Let's go see it."
She barely glanced at us once she walked out of her office area and started walking toward the door. "Uh, I'm Angela, Bella's friend. It's nice to meet you," Angela tried to introduce herself awkwardly.
"Yeah, hi. I know who you are. Bella told me you'd be bringing her here today," Rosalie greeted back. She reached out to firmly shake Angela's hand which seemed to take her by surprise. "Follow me," she commanded. We walked quickly behind her outside across the parking lot until we saw the truck that I was looking to purchase online.
"Well, here it is," Rosalie proclaimed. "This is the amazing 1970 Chevrolet pickup truck that Bella was very insistent on buying for god knows why. Some of the guys and I had to do a lot of work on this thing to repair it, and we just put in a new engine. I sincerely hope you enjoy it."
"Oh, this is really cute, Bella. It suits your personality really well, I'd say," Angela told me while looking through the windows.. It was a big, rusty red truck that looked like the one Charlie used to drive almost ten years ago. I loved it the moment I saw a picture of it on their website. It was pretty cheap. While it may not be the most practical, modern vehicle in the world, I felt drawn to it. I was sure that Carlisle and Esme would've volunteered to get me some fancy luxury car like the rest of their family had, but I didn't want anything like that. It was bad enough that I had to get a loan from them to buy this, but I insisted I would pay them back eventually.
"Thanks, Angela. Glad you agree. I love it already," I said and looked over at Rosalie who was staring off in the distance with her sunglasses on.
"If you say so, Bella," Rosalie snickered. "Jacob's coming over now. He's going to help you guys now. I have to go back inside." She disappeared while three tall figures began appearing in the distance.
Fuck. I thought it would be able to escape him. But I didn't even have thirty seconds before we would be face to face once again. How very funny that Rosalie could witness my discomfort while I'm about to be reunited with an old friend. I could feel my stomach about to explode as he approached me. I clenched my hands into fists in my pockets.
Jacob looked much taller and more mature than when I last saw him. His formerly long black locks were cut short now. He has a full grown beard and mustache to boot. The boyish teenager I once knew was gone. He looked like a mature business man now.
"Hello Bella, Angela." Jacob greeted us in a firm voice more like we were customers rather than friends. Which we were. This was to be expected.
Angela waved back. "Hey Bella, I think I have to get going soon, but it was nice seeing you again. I'm glad you can finally drive again."
No, don't leave! I didn't want to be stuck with him by myself.
"Are you sure you have to go? Would you want to go get lunch somewhere after this?" I ask, trying to find a way to prolong her stay.
"I'm sorry, but I can't. I have to go meet with Ben in an hour. Maybe a different day," she suggested.
"Well, alright. Thank you for driving me here on short notice," I sighed, dreading her departure when I'll be alone standing here with Jacob who was looking around everywhere else except me.
Angela gave me a quick hug before waving goodbye, and before I knew it, I was standing in front of Jacob, another one of my old friends I abandoned. So much has changed since then. We used to be able to tell each other anything and confide our biggest secrets, but now, I couldn't think of anything to say to him.
"I'm glad you're back, Bella," Jacob said in a flat tone. I put on a fake smile. "We fixed up this truck for you. Would you like to take it for a spin?"
"Sure," I agreed, plopping into the front seat while Jacob sat beside me. "Thank you for fixing this up and everything. I really appreciate it."
He nodded curtly, reminding me once again that I'm just a customer. Good to know. Any ounce of friendship we once had was completely gone.
It sucks that the first time I got to drive again in over a month happened when there was so much tension in the air. I had to be extra careful now to concentrate on the road in front of me. I pulled out of the parking lot, and Jacob pointed for me to travel west down the main road towards the ocean. We sat in silence together for a few minutes, and the anxious feeling built back up in my stomach.
"So, what's happening with you, Jacob? I haven't seen you since, well, you know . . ." The last time we saw each other, we had a very heated argument on the beach during my junior year of high school. He told me off for spending too much time with my over-possessive boyfriend and neglecting my friends. At the time, I just thought he was jealous and told him to fuck off. Little did I know, he was only looking out for me. I cringed thinking about how I refused to speak to him afterwards, similar to the way I shunned my father.
"Not much. I'm working at the dealership now pretty much every day of the week. How about you? I heard you got into a big accident." He didn't look at me once.
"Yeah, well that's obviously why I came here. I was driving down the highway during a storm, and a tree fell on my old car. I broke my leg, but it's not too bad now. I can walk again," I explained.
"That's horrible. Glad you're doing better again."
"Thanks," I responded. We fell back into silence while I passed by First Beach, our favorite hangout place back in the day.
"You got anything planned coming up?" Jacob asked after a while.
"Not really. I just moved back to Forks a while ago. I need to start looking for a job soon." He didn't need to know the big details about why I came here and especially the circumstances I used to live in back in Seattle. The only person I really began talking about that with was Jasper.
"Why did you come back? You seemed to be much happier away from all of us," he sneered.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I turned toward him only to see him shake his head and look out the window.
"It's nothing," he sighed. Well obviously, he was still pissed at me. The tension in the car increased tenfold. I felt myself shrink in my seat.
"I came back for personal reasons, and now I have to stay here because of the accident. I need help recovering from my injuries."
"Who are you staying with if you don't mind me asking?"
Shit. I really didn't want him to start questioning me like this.
"The Cullens. Do you know them? Carlisle Cullen is the doctor. . ."
"Yeah I know who they are." I could hear him laughing in the seat next to me, not even trying to hide it. My hands gripped the steering wheel tighter. Suddenly, it was very tempting to veer off the road and ram his side of the car into a tree.
"Why's that so funny?" I tried to hide the seething anger in my voice.
"I just think it's hilarious that you've neglected everyone in your hometown who loved you, and you move in with the richest family. It wasn't good enough for you to live with your own father who'd do anything for you.. That's so typical of you."
Fuck this. I knew he would probably be upset with me, but I was not going to let him ridicule me for trying to get help from my desperate situation. He couldn't even imagine what I've been through for the past year.
"For your information, the Cullens are very nice people and without them, I don't know where I'd be. It's not about their money. They offered to help out of the kindness of their hearts. I didn't force them to do anything." I was trying to keep my voice down and not cause an argument with him. I didn't want to have bad blood with one more person. I wanted to try to fix our relationship.
"You used to have friends who would've helped you. Or your father you know. Would it really hurt so much to give any of us a call?"
If only it were that easy. I could have called Charlie, but that wouldn't have mattered anyway. He left the state without telling me. Angela wouldn't have been able to help me either with her parents who don't even like me. That leaves only Jessica and Mike, and I surely didn't want to have to see them again. And with the way Jacob is reacting towards me right now, would he really want me to be living with him and invading his life?
"It's not that simple," I whispered.
"Okay, Bella. If you say so."
"Look buddy, I've been through a lot since I left town," I snapped.
"So have I," he shot back.
"I'm sure you have. Which is why the place I'm in right now is very different from our innocent friendship back in high school. I didn't feel comfortable calling any of you guys. It's been so long since I've seen any of you. And right now, I'm practically a different person. You have no reason to be judging me or attacking me."
"I'm not attacking you, Bella."
"Well, it sure seems like it. Not that it's any of your business, but the Cullens were the ones who found me dying on the road, and they saved me. Carlisle was the first person to offer me a place to stay, and how could I say no? I'd probably be dead if it weren't for him. And you know, I came back to find my father, but he was gone. He never told me he was leaving." I never would've come back to Forks if I didn't need to see Charlie again. He was the only person who could have helped to support me from the hell hole that was the church parking lot in Seattle. And Jacob didn't know about any of this. He had no idea about all this pain and trauma I've been through for years.
All of the bad memories were flashing through my head again. I tried not to cry.
"I'm sure he did tell you he moved away, but you just ignored his messages like you always have been."
"How do you know that?" I asked, shocked.
I didn't always ignore Charlie when he would call me after I moved, but every conversation we had turned into a fight, and he was always criticizing my choice to live with Olivia. He kept telling me how much he didn't trust her and I would only get hurt in the end, but I refused to believe him. Looking back, he was clearly in the right, and I should've listened to him. Two years ago, I told him one last time I was doing fine and to stop calling me. What a lie that was. I could never take that back now.
"Charlie talked to my dad about you all the time. He was so devastated when you left and you wouldn't speak to him. You were gone for years, and none of us had any idea if you were okay. You could have been dead for all we knew."
That reminded me of the first thing Angela said to me when I saw her in the gas station for the first time. I thought she was just joking at the time, but it turned out everyone might have been thinking the same thing. My chest felt heavy hearing Jacob mention Charlie being hurt because of me. I knew it must have been very selfish of me to abandon Charlie and refuse to speak with him, but I thought I had good reasoning at the time.
"God dammit, Jacob!" I yelled instead of crying. "You don't get to fucking throw Charlie in my face! There's a reason I stopped speaking to him, and you don't know half the shit we've gone through."
"I'm sure you have a great reason to quit speaking with him. But if you needed help so badly, you should have called him first. He wanted to make things up with you so bad, and everytime he would try to call you, you would just keep arguing with him until you eventually stopped answering. And if you kept in touch with him, you know that he actually flew back to Washington two months ago for Harry's funeral."
"What are you talking about?"
Harry Clearwater? He died? I didn't believe it. He was one of Charlie's best friends on the reservation. I used to spend time at Harry's house all the time growing up and having play dates with his kids. Charlie, Billy Black, and Harry would go on fishing trips all the time, and I'd sometimes have to go with them. Charlie must have been so heartbroken when he died, and I had no idea.
"Harry Clearwater died. He had a heart attack. And Charlie came to the funeral. We all wanted you to be there, but we didn't even bother trying to contact you because we knew you wouldn't come."
That wasn't true. I definitely would've come for something like this. But I could understand why Charlie would've given up hope on me. I brought this upon myself.
"I feel so horrible, Jake. I'm sorry. I should've been there."
"You should feel horrible. He really needed you."
I stared at the road in front of me as I turned around and started heading back toward the dealership. If I just focused on driving, I wouldn't break down in front of Jacob. I couldn't do that. I felt so humiliated.
He was right though. I was such a bitch to my dad, and I shouldn't have shunned him the way I did. All I did was think about myself in the past. I never realized how much I was hurting him too.
"Look Jacob, I know I made a lot of mistakes in the past, but I'm trying to get a fresh start. I think I'll be staying in Forks for a few more months. Do you think we could try to be friends again?" I asked, hoping for a miracle that he hadn't completely given up on me.
"I don't know Bella. I have to think about it." He shook his head and looked out his window. We don't speak the rest of the ride back.
Once I pulled into the parking lot, Jacob told me I had to fill out some paperwork, and he quickly hopped out of the truck. Our conversation went horribly, and Jacob was obviously very upset with me for everything that's gone down between us for the past several years and rightfully so. I wish things didn't have to be like this.
"Bye, Jake. Will I see you again, sometime?" I couldn't help but ask.
"Take care, Bella." I only saw him frowning before he turned to walk away, and I was left all alone once again in my truck.
I wasn't going to cry. I told myself this over and over as I was driving back towards Cullen's house. Jacob's words haunted me. I couldn't stop thinking about Charlie and how much I hurt him.
If Jacob still held that much resentment towards me, I couldn't imagine how Charlie must be feeling about me right now. It was a good thing that he was gone when I came back to Forks because I was not strong enough to handle him shutting the door in my face. For years, all I could think about was how Charlie never understood what I was going through after my mom died. I thought he was always putting me down, but I've been so fucking stupid the entire time. All he ever did was try to help me stop making bad decisions and warn me that I was hanging out with the wrong people, but I refused to listen to him.
Before I met Olivia and my fucking ex-boyfriend, life wasn't so bad. I was severely depressed, but I still had a father who loved me and a good group of supportive friends with Angela, Mike, Jessica, and Jacob, and I let that all go. I never deserved any of their love in the first place, and I sure as hell didn't now. I didn't deserve anyone's friendship and I definitely did nothing to deserve Cullen's support for the past month. I was such an ungrateful brat towards everyone around me for years and I got myself into my own shitty situation.
I try to drive more carefully down the highway this time. It's not likely to happen, but I couldn't help the anxious feeling that I was going to get into another accident again. I should just be thankful that I got to drive again by myself in my own vehicle. Alice and Esme didn't need to keep going to the store to buy things. I could go out and buy my own clothes and groceries and drive myself to a place to get a job again.
I couldn't keep feeling sorry for myself like this. I've made so many mistakes in the past, and I've been a bitch towards a lot of people who have tried to help me before, but there was nothing I could do to change it. I was going to eventually need to face my father again in the future, but there's no way I can do that now. I had to do everything in my power to improve myself and build the willpower for when I'm ready to see him again and admit all of my mistakes to him.
Eventually when I entered Forks again, I pulled into an empty parking lot of a closed restaurant and forced myself to take a few deep breaths. I felt the tension in my chest dissipate after a while. I looked in the rearview mirror and something caught my eye. There was a strange white figure in the background, hidden amongst the trees. I blinked, and the figure apparead closer standing in the parking lot. It was a person standing out here by themselves, not moving. I didn't feel good about this. I whipped my head around to get a closer look at them, and they were gone.