A/N- Long time no see everybody... Just a few notes before this chapter, I've said it before and I'll say it again- you's are all in for a long haul with this story, I'm not abandoning it, but it takes me forever to update, so bear with.
Also, as of 09/04/23, I've been doing some heavy editing to previous chapters, I was gonna wait until I'd been through all of them before posting a new chapter but I got impatient- the most notable change is that Frank Longbottom is now the year above our marauders and co. in hindsight it seemed weird to have so many of our characters in the same year. Other changes are kind of just making it more readable, I've been writing this story for years, and I think I've gotten better, but some of the old chapters were kind of rough lol. Also, I've been trying to draw in more aspects of my overall plotline that I got distracted and forgot about.
Feel free to re-read to refresh your memory and let me know if it sounds any better, enjoy :)
Sunday 4th May 1977
"James." Came a hushed whisper, James turned to the voice, hardly aware of his smile as he met Lily's eyes as she joined him in his slightly quieter corner of the common room where he was revising after breakfast.
"Hey," he flicked his book shut, leaning back, grateful for the distraction. Lily hesitated for a moment, worrying her bottom lip in her teeth, making James frown in concern, "what's up, are you ok?"
She cleared her expression shooting him a small smile, cursing herself as memories of her crazy dream from the other night surfaced in her mind, she pushed them away, "would I be able to borrow your map?" His eyebrows rose, that was not what he'd been expecting, "just for today, or maybe tomorrow," she rushed out, voice low, "just until I find- uh- talk to someone."
His expression became more amused, "you've known for like a day and you're already asking to borrow it," he teased, "the cheek of you, Red, honestly-"
"I know, I know, and you can totally say no, I just-"
"Lily," his voice was light and his expression warm as he cut her off, "you can use it," he spoke over her as she began to gush her thanks, "I mean I'll need to double check with the boys," he shrugged, "but if they say no, I'll let you use it anyway." His expression grew more serious, "but if you lose it, we're going to prank you relentlessly until you get it back."
Lily was nodding emphatically, "of course- god, James, I'll guard the thing with my bloody life, we'd be screwed if someone else found it."
"Spoken like a true marauder," James said, wiping away an imaginary tear, and making her roll her eyes as he pressed his hand to his chest in the 'marauders honour' gesture. James snickered as he picked up his books, "I'll go up and get it now."
Lily sat back in relief, "thank you, James, really."
He waved her off as he got to his feet, "anytime, Lils." He paused, looking down on her before he walked off, "can I just ask what you need it for? If you're being followed or something-"
Lily shook her head, "no, no, it's not that." At least not yet anyway. James cocked his head, quirking an eyebrow as he waited for her to specify and she sighed, tucking her hair behind her ears, "it's- well- ugh-" she winced, "you're not gonna like it." He frowned, taking a step back towards her, "I need to talk to Severus."
His expression darkened, "Lily-"
"His dad died," she cut him off, swallowing down the old curl of defensiveness for her childhood friend, she met James' eyes evenly, daring him to pick a fight about it. "His dad died last week, James. And I just want to check how he's doing."
James huffed, running a hand through his hair in irritation, "are you sure that's the best-"
"I've been trying to get him alone, I'm being careful, I'm not an idiot." James collapsed back into his seat with a sigh, still not happy, "I'm gonna do it, whether I have the map or not." She told him defiantly, crossing her arms, "I was just asking because it would be a thousand times quicker and easier if I can borrow your map."
"Lily," there was a note of pleading in his voice that she hadn't been expecting and it took her aback, "I don't trust him, even if it is just the two of you alone. Let me come with you I-"
"Definitely not," her voice softened and her posture relaxed slightly, "you know as well as I do, that's a recipe for disaster."
"I can hide," James offered, "I can just be around the corner, I'll-"
"Not happening." She told him with a shake of her head, "I know he's not a saint, but he won't hurt me, he-"
"He has hurt you." James' words cut her off, they had been spoken softly, and his eyes were intent on hers behind his glasses, the softness in them taking her aback and making her heart flutter in her chest, "more than once." Lily didn't know what to say, and she dragged her gaze away from his, looking around the common room instead, searching for something to tamp down the random curl of something in the pit of her stomach.
"Yeah, well… so have I," she finally said, leaning back in her chair, finding herself needing to swallow before she could look back at James, her mouth suddenly unbearably dry. He hadn't looked away, the intensity in his gaze still lingering. "We're not going to suddenly join hands and start skipping around the halls, James, I just want to talk to him alone, and see how he's doing after the death of his father."
James sat back with a sigh, sensing this was a battle he wasn't going to win. Her loyalty to her childhood friend- even though he was a piece of shit- was admirable, her unwillingness to give up on him, even though the bastard deserved it was just one more quality he could add to the 'why I'm desperately, hopelessly, head-over-fucking-heels in love with Lily bloody Evans' list.
He ran a hand through his hair, "ok, fine."
Her expression immediately lightened, making James scowl internally at how anything to do with Snape could elicit such a positive reaction from her, a brief return of a familiar jealousy- he shoved it away, getting to his feet again with a melodramatic sigh, "can you just-" she smiled up at him, and his heart somersaulted in his chest, making him stutter a little, "-just- like- before you go meet him, can you give us a shout? I swear I won't follow you- just so we'll know to send a search party out for you if you don't return."
She rolled her eyes but there was no heat in the action, "yes, James, I will give you a heads up before I meet him." Her tone was sarcastic but she was telling the truth, and he knew it.
"Sarky cow." He shot at her as he backed away, his teasing tone oddly familiar to her now.
She smirked, "smarmy git."
"Smelly arse."
"Half-chewed toenail." At this point he was halfway across the common room and her voice was raised as she insulted him. He winced dramatically at her barb, clutching his chest.
"Ok," he called back, "that one hurt, Evans."
"You deserved it, Potter." She shouted back, and with a final smirk he shot her the bird before taking the stairs two at a time to retrieve the map for her, and she shook her head, a grin of her own on her lips as she watched him go.
It was Tuesday before Lily finally got the chance to approach Severus, and after a hushed heads up to James and another warning that he better not follow her she rushed to the fourth floor where she was hoping to intercept him on his way back to his common room from the library.
"Severus." He whirled around, wand in hand, his eyes almost comically wide as he realised who was speaking to him.
"Lily," he breathed, his eyes drank her in, she seemed smaller than he remembered, or maybe he'd grown, and he towered over her. It felt like it had been a long time since he's been in such close proximity to her, and alone, and before he knew it he'd taken a step nearer to her.
She stood her ground, meeting his eyes, "can we talk?" He seemed different. He held himself with a different sort of confidence than he used to, like he'd settled into himself somehow. He looked… healthier, his eyes glinted with an inner light, he was as pale as he always was but his robes looked new, and fit him better than previous ones she had seen him in, his hair hung gracefully, silken and inky, brushing the collar of his shirt. Whatever it was he was doing it looked good on him.
Severus nodded, his wand long stowed away, as she led him into a nearby empty classroom, "are you ok?" He asked, curious, and more than a little concerned as to why she might suddenly be approaching him like this, "has something happened? Is it Potter? Because I swear to god I'll-"
Lily rolled her eyes as she locked the classroom door behind them and leaned against a desk, "I'm not here to talk about me, I want to ask about you."
Severus blinked at her, "me?" Was this it? Was this the moment of reconciliation he'd been dreaming of for months? He took a breath, he'd been practicing what he might say if he ever got this chance, he wasn't going to blow it, he wasn't letting her slip out of her grasp again, he would tell her. He had to tell her. He'd been needing to tell her for years, he-
Oblivious to his thoughts, Lily spoke quietly, "I heard about your dad." All of Severus' monologuing and inner conviction stuttered to a stop at her words, that had not been where he thought this was going.
"My father?" Severus replied carefully, Lily's heart clenched, she'd never once heard him refer to his father as his dad.
"That he passed away," Lily continued, "my mother saw the death notice, she passes on her condolences." She met his eyes, "I'm sorry for your loss, Severus."
To her shock his lip curled in a sneer, "don't be." His tone was even and he said it with so much certainty that it sent a shiver down her spine, "trust me, it was no loss."
Lily was appalled and confused and crossed her arms as she frowned up at him, "I know you didn't always get on, but he was your father, you-"
Severus laughed, it was cold, and mean, and nothing like the laugh she remembered, "didn't get on?" He was incredulous, and leant against a desk opposite her, his posture oddly relaxed, "Lily, that man made the lives of my mother and myself a living hell, he was no fucking father to me, I'll tell you that for free."
Lily gaped at him, "you can't mean that-"
He brushed lint off his robes, "trust me, I mean it. Good riddance as far as I'm concerned."
Lily suddenly felt very cold, she was overcome with a terrible feeling, she straightened up, looking at him cautiously as she rested her hand near the handle of her wand, "what did you do?" She asked quietly.
He met her eyes evenly, "there's a lot I've done over the last few months, Lily." He smiled beatifically at her, "I wish I could tell you everything, but I can't- not yet anyway."
"Severus-"
He straightened up and Lily tensed, the glint in his eyes seemed much more twisted than she'd thought when she first looked at him, "I'm making a difference," he was alight with a passion she rarely saw from him except when it came to potions… or the dark arts, "Lily, all that shit we used to talk about when we were younger- about changing the ministry, modernising the Wizarding world, welcoming in a new golden era- it's happening, I'm part of it."
He took a step towards her, she didn't back down, but her heart was pounding painfully in her chest, "what did you do, Severus?" She repeated. "You've committed to him? Voldemort?"
He laughed again, differently but it still sounded cold, "of course I have." Severus was the youngest death eater to have climbed high enough in the Dark Lord's ranks to be given his mark, Severus was the only one to have ever received the mark while still in school, he had spoken, debated with the Dark Lord alone, he was trusted, "I've been honoured, Lily."
"Honoured?" Lily's fear had turned to incredulity, and she herself took a step towards Severus, starting to get angry, how was Severus Snape- one of the smartest people she knew, so fucking blind to Lord Voldemort. "Honoured," she said disbelievingly,"by the same bastard that's touting pure-blood supremacy? Bullshit-"
Annoyance flickered across Severus' own countenance, "it's more than that, the pure-bloods have the power, he needs to get them on his side somehow." He waved away her protests, "you'll realise his true plans when he has the ministry in his grasp, besides- I can protect you now." Lily was shaking her head, but Severus was insistent as he placed his hands on her arms, stopping her from stepping away. Lily froze, she could count on one hand the amount of times Sev had initiated physical contact, he was warmer than she had expected him to be.
"I can protect you," he reiterated, "the Dark Lord trusts me, he listens to me, you won't be harmed Lily. Ever. I can guarantee it-"
"What about everyone else?" She moved to shrug him off, but he tightened his grip, so she settled for glaring at him instead.
"I don't care about anyone else." His eyes were intense as they held hers. It was the truth. There was no one except for Lily Evans. Severus couldn't even say truthfully that he loved his own mother, any affection he'd held for her had long since disappeared as she stubbornly insisted on drinking herself into a stupor every day since Tobias Snape's death- as if her abusive husband had ever done anything for her. But Severus' love for Lily? That was the truth, it had always and would always be true.
Lily tried and failed to get out from his hold again, "right, sure. So everyone else can just go fuck themselves then?" She asked him sarcastically, "all of the people Voldemort hurts, and will continue hurting, they don't matter to you because you have some misguided notion you can protect me?"
He was hurt by her scathing tone, "I will protect you, Lily-"
She jerked herself out of his grasp, bumping the table behind her backwards with a screech of wood on stone, "when are you going to realise it's not worth it, Severus?" Her eyes were blazing as she scowled at him, "what's the point of surviving if everything around you is ashes? You think I'd want you to save me if Voldemort has killed everyone else I care about? You think somehow this shit will be worth it in the end when you've sold your soul in the process? Voldemort is using you and lying to you, and you're letting him-"
"Don't!" His voice had risen to a shout and he reined it back in with an effort as she recoiled from him, he continued more quietly, "don't speak so disrespectfully about the Dark Lord. He has done amazing things, he's more powerful than you can ever imagine." There was that manic light in his eyes again and it chilled Lily to the bone, it was the same look extremists and zealots had, "I've earned his trust, he recognises my talents, indulges my curiosity, we need people like him he-"
"Did he kill your father?" She asked suddenly and Severus scowled at her as the conversation returned to its previous thread, "did you get someone to murder your father, Severus?!"
He sneered again, as if the Dark Lord would ever stoop so low as to dispose of a worthless, abusive, alcoholic, gambling-addicted muggle like Tobias Snape. No, no, Severus had killed his father himself, with a wonderful potion of his own invention, it was difficult to brew and took a long time, but it was so very rewarding to watch as it turned its targets insides acidic, slowly and painfully killing whoever had partaken of it. He had then brought his body to Lord Voldemort to demonstrate his commitment to the cause, it was something everyone had to do in order to be marked- do something you couldn't take back to demonstrate either your own magical abilities or your dedication to the Dark Lord.
For some of the more spineless followers this involved a huge donation to Voldemort's personal coffers, for others it was the dissolution of unseemly relationships, Rowle had abandoned his muggleborn wife who was 8 months pregnant, leaving her penniless and divorced, Rookwood had framed a particularly infuriating colleague in the ministry that opposed the Dark Lord and his cause, he had ended up being sent to Azkaban for fraud and embezzlement. And Severus had created a brand new poison and showed just how painfully it could kill.
Severus shot Lily a cool look, "why would I tell you that even if it were true?" He asked her, his voice low and silky.
She clasped a hand to her mouth and Severus was shocked to see her eyes bright with unshed tears, "you did, didn't you? God- Severus- why-"
"You know what they say about assuming, Lily." He said, keeping his tone even, in spite of the confusion swirling inside him, she still cared. She still cared for him.
"Voldemort's got you, hasn't he? You've already given in." Her voice sounded hollow, but it only served to make his feelings for her flare more brightly.
"There was nothing to give," he stepped closer to her, "he's right. I agree with him- and on so many more things than anyone is even aware of, his brilliance hasn't even been properly shown yet." He was close to her, close enough that he could smell the nostalgic scent of her shampoo, count the freckles across her nose. "And yes, I did it for me, because someone finally appreciates my knowledge and my ambition- it's not just lumped in with some 'unhealthy obsession with the dark arts'," he sneered, how many times had Potter and Black said something like that about him, "but I did it for you- so I can protect you," his hands were on her arms again, and she was too overwhelmed with sorrow and trying to process what he was saying to have the presence of mind to step back. "A revolution is coming, Lily, and it's beautiful."
"Severus-" that obsessed look was back, and she was caught between reaching out to him and dragging him away until he saw sense again, and slapping that irritating expression off his face.
"And it is worth it. You are worth it." Lily had opened her mouth to protest but it snapped shut at his words and how his expression had changed. She studied him, and her heart pounded. She knew that look, it was a look that made her pulse speed up, a look he always quickly forced away anytime she caught a glimpse of it, a look she had never seen him give anyone else. Her mouth was suddenly very dry, and she was filled with dread because she knew what was coming, she knew and she didn't want to hear it, he couldn't, not like this-
"I love you, Lily."
No. A painful lump swelled in her throat and she was trapped in his burning gaze. This wasn't fair.
Severus wasn't sure he would've been able to hear her reply even if she said one over the thundering rush of his blood in his ears. There it was, out in the open, in the air between them, in an empty classroom on a random Tuesday. The truth. One of the founding pillars of Severus Snape's entire being. He had never planned on telling her like this and he was seized with a strange rush of relief that he'd finally vocalised it and terror at his loss of control.
"I love you." He repeated it, and it burned, it was like the words had burrowed through her chest and into her aching heart. "I've loved you since the day I set eyes on you when I was nine years old, and I love you still." Visions filled her minds eye, visions of her and Sev eight years ago, two kids against the world, trusting each other completely. Different timelines of what might have happened, if Voldemort didn't exist, if magic wasn't real, if he'd told her sooner. Flashes of Lily and Severus, grinning at each other as they held hands, glimpses of the two of them, older, less jaded, together.
Because she loved him too, it had taken many different forms over the years. It had once reciprocated his, although she was only realising that now. But it didn't anymore, and it was an uncomfortable truth because it just made reality hurt more.
She could never be with someone who threw other people away so easily, someone who was so willing to disregard her beliefs, her morals, the fabric of who she was, if it meant that she made it through. Because he hadn't protected her, he had let it happen, he had watched. Since their early years at Hogwarts she'd been hurt, dozens of micro-aggressions had been levelled against her, and Severus hadn't defended her. He had consoled her, he had schemed with her, he had vowed revenge if it was ever Potter or Black that were doing the hurting- but never the others. Only now, when he finally felt validated in his morbid curiosity, and with someone bigger and more vicious on his side did his offer of protection seem genuine.
"I love you, Lily." He repeated and tears filled her eyes and before she could even realise what was happening he had stepped in closer, moving a hand to cradle her face as he kissed her. Something inside her chest cracked and she kissed him back, just for a second, alternative timelines and parallel universes where it was possible, where the two of them could be together, flying through her brain.
She broke away, "Severus-" He kissed her again, cutting her off as his other hand settled on her face also. She tried to move her head, to create some space between them because this was too much, and it wasn't fair, and how could he do this when he had sided with Voldemort. But his hands held her fast, and the first drop of panic trickled down her spine, as his mouth continued to move on hers.
She jerked her head back, "stop!" He did so. Immediately. And she stepped away from him, hot tears beginning to track down her cheeks. His chest was heaving and his cheeks flushed, but his eyes widened in concern as he saw her tears.
"Lily-" He reached for her again.
"No!" She stepped back and his hand jerked as an arc of magic stung it, ozone crackling in the air.
"I'm sor-"
"NO!" Her voice echoed off the walls of the classroom. "You don't get to do this, Severus!" His eyes were wide and scared, her own face was flushed too but he didn't think it was for the same reasons.
"You don't get to tell me you love me, in the same conversation that you told me you pledged yourself to Voldemort!" Severus was stricken, this wasn't how it was supposed to go- she'd kissed him back hadn't she? Just briefly but it was there- right? She felt the same.
"But you- we-"
She ran her hands over her face, swiping her tears away, "it's not fair, we're on opposite sides here, you just made that abundantly clear!"
Severus pushed his hair off his neck and out of his face, he was too warm, he was confused, he was frustrated, "you kissed me back! Don't lie to me and say you don't feel the same-"
"ENOUGH!" Her magic zinged again, and he blinked as he thought he caught golden sparks dancing through her auburn hair, just briefly and then they were gone again. He returned his eyes to hers, they were looking at him despairingly.
"I don't!" Her voice cracked at the lie but she carried on, fresh tears starting to fall, "or maybe I did once but this-" she gestured between them, "is impossible. I can't love someone who has just said the things you said to me! Believes the things you believe. God- Severus, your death eater pals kill people like me!"
He was starting to get angry now, "and your stupid, 'pure' fucking friends tried to kill me."
She shouted right back, getting just as irate, "James saved you-" Severus' expression twisted into something cruel and ugly as he cut her off, his own magic buzzing ominously.
"James-" Severus' face twisted into an ugly, mocking expression of loathing,"-set me up!" Lily didn't know anyone could make a name sound as foul as Severus just had her transfiguration partner. "He set me up, and then got cold feet- for fuck's sake Lily! At least Death Eaters are transparent about what they believe and do. You Gryffindors are even worse- house of the brave? Pfft. You're cowardly and dishonest about what you want- that includes you."
Lily shook her head, "shut up. You don't-"
"How do you feel?" He was insistent, "look me in the eyes and tell me you feel nothing!"
"That's besides the-"
"You kissed me back!"
"YOU THINK I'VE NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT?" She was yelling at him, she didn't care, maybe she needed to just get it out in the open. "You were my best friend, for years!" Severus flinched at the past tense, "you knew me better than anyone! I told you all my secrets! You were all I needed for a long time!"
Severus didn't know how to feel, he was elated at her confession but something about it was bitter.
"But I'm not that girl anymore!" She jabbed a finger into his chest, "and you sure as hell aren't that boy! And if the world wasn't how it is, and we weren't this." She gestured between them uselessly, she couldn't explain this, words didn't do the maelstrom of hurt and nostalgia and wishful thinking that surrounded her relationship with Severus, justice.
"Then yeah, maybe we'd have a future." Sev's eyes were wide, and his cheek twitched as if he couldn't quite decide what emotion he wanted to express. "But this can't happen with you believing in Voldemort. It's been years since this has been a possibility Sev, and you know it."
Severus averted his gaze, he didn't. That was news to him. News to him both that it had ever been a possibility and his feelings might be reciprocated, and news to him that she had already dismissed it, not even giving them a chance. And it hurt. He was a fucking idiot. Why did he ever think if he just confessed his love for her they could become something? Stupid fucking fool.
"So I have to give up everything I believe in for you, but you won't do it for me?" He asked bitterly.
Lily swiped at yet more tears, but she didn't know if they were angry or sad, "it's not just what you believe, it's about what's right." He rolled his eyes at her condescending self-righteousness but she didn't give him a chance to speak, "you know what's right, you can spout whatever bullshit about they're not being 'light' or 'dark' just power and who uses it, but there are lines, Sev. There have always been lines, it's called having a conscience."
"So the greater good just doesn't exist then? Doing something as a means to an end is just plain wrong? Even if the end result is better for everyone? Merlin, Lily, if that's the case, then there isn't a human, or an organisation, or a movement that has ever existed that's been right." He shook his head patronisingly, "and you say I'm the blind one."
"You're wrong," Lily said, her tears had stopped and her eyes were steady as she looked at him, he couldn't look away even if he wanted to. "Voldemort is wrong." She drew herself up, taking a step away, "and I'm not doing this." She walked to the door of the classroom, but she paused before the doorway, turning around. "I'm begging you to stop, Severus. Stop listening to Voldemort, stop following him, get out while you can- I'll help you."
There was a second of silence, four, five, but then Severus shook his head, "no." It was quiet, and convicted, and Lily could practically feel her last shreds of hope disintegrate, "you think following Dumbledore is better, or different, than me following the Dark Lord?"
"I never said shit about Dumbledore, I'm my own person and I'm doing what's right-"
"What you think is right." Severus corrected her.
That awkward, aching silence was back. Lily swallowed, "so I guess we're not much different then," she bit out, her voice cracking again.
Severus shrugged helplessly, "I guess not." He'd played his hand, he had bared his soul to her, found the courage to do something she wouldn't, and she was still walking away from him. His embarrassment was swiftly turning to anger. Fine. She can get fucked. Maybe it was better this way, like removing a thorn that had been festering in his side for practically a decade. Get rid of the excess baggage. Cut off the rotting fabric. Maybe he could finally start to move on from Lily fucking Evans. Any feelings he had were unrequited, and he was an idiot for ever believing otherwise.
"You're better than this." Her voice was clear, her words an echo of the conversation they'd had around his birthday, and there was something in it that made his anger abate, even now, after everything.
He hated it.
And then she was gone, and he was left alone in an empty classroom, feeling oddly bereft.
He clamped it down. Shutting his eyes as he focused on his Occlumency, he began to compartmentalise, shoving Lily Evans and their kiss, and all the times she made him doubt himself, and all their history, and everything she was unwilling to offer into a box at the back of his mind. He slammed it shut, locking it securely, burying it even further in his head.
He was done with letting her have power over him, clearly it wasn't worth it. He throttled the whisper of his conviction to her just minutes ago that she would always be worth it, and he shoved those in the box too. It was time to finally start putting himself first.
And then he left.
It was much later when Lily finally dragged herself out of the discrete corner of the grounds she had hidden away in while she started to process what the hell had just happened, she'd missed dinner and she was almost certain James was probably not long away from sending out a search party for her. She dragged herself back into the castle and up the stairs, she'd checked the map and planned her route back to Gryffindor tower. Her dorm mates and James had just finished up Quidditch practice and Alice was in the library with Frank, Remus not far away. Peter's dot had been in the dungeons with Miranda Tollwood while Sirius was in the Gryffindor common room. She didn't want to seek out or talk to anyone, she just wanted to give James his map back, tell him to call off the troops he probably had on standby and then collapse into bed to cry herself to sleep.
She hadn't bothered to check the map as she walked through the castle so she scanned the common room when she entered to see if James had come down. By accident her eyes found Sirius' and he smiled at her.
"Hey, Red." His smile faded as he looked at her, Lily suppressed a snort, if she looked as bad as she felt, she probably looked like shit. Sirius rose to his feet, "are you ok? Dammit, James was right we should've come and found you, Merlin, what happened?"
"I'm fine, Sirius," her voice was dry and scratchy and didn't do much to convince herself, nevermind Sirius.
He put his hands on her shoulders as he took her in, she bit her lip, the memory of Sev's hands on her arms and then her face still fresh, and just as confusing as it had been two hours ago. "You don't look fine," Sirius said with a frown, "fuck, what did Snivellus do? I'll-"
"Stop, Sirius." It was quiet but firm, and he stopped talking but his eyes shone with concern.
"Are you hurt?" He asked gently.
She managed a tremulous smile, "just emotionally." He frowned, not convinced. "We had a fight- a verbal one don't worry."
He was still looking at her carefully, "that doesn't make me not worry, Lily. Those ones are worse, more often than not."
Her lip trembled traitorously, and Sirius rubbed her arms, his sympathy sending her to the verge of yet more tears, "I'll be ok," she finally choked out, wiping her nose as she looked at the floor instead of his empathetic eyes.
"Do you want a hug?" He asked her softly, getting the feeling that an offer for him to go and rip Snivellus' head off for whatever he'd said to her wouldn't be received as well as he hoped.
She gave a jerky nod, "I'd take a hug," she managed. And without further ado he had pulled her into his chest. She wrapped her arms around him gratefully, shutting her eyes as they began to fill with tears again. He rubbed her back comfortingly, resting his cheek on the top of her head.
"You're gonna be ok, Lily." She tightened her arms around him, he was steady and warm and smelt like sandalwood with a faint note of cigarette smoke. Lily decided then and there that Sirius Black gave great hugs and she let him hold her for longer than was probably decent before she broke away. Her tears were thankfully at bay and she pushed her hair away from her face, smiling at him gratefully.
"Is James around?"
"He's not long in from Quidditch practice," he jerked his head towards the boys staircase, "he's just upstairs. You can just give the map to me though if you want to go to bed or anything."
Lily gave him another small smile, his kindness was heart warming and she felt weirdly privileged that she was witness to it. Sirius was always easy-going, and laughing, preferring to joke his way through serious matters than discuss them. She'd seen glimpses of how deeply he cared for his friends in his interactions with the marauders, and more recently, with the order of the phoenix, and the sincerity of his kindness in the deep conversations that were too few and far between for the two of them, but also in how he'd looked out for Dorcas at the start of the year after her father's death.
She shook her head, "no, it's ok. I'll just run up and give it to him, he deserves to know how it went." She wanted to see him, talk to him in person and thank him for getting the map for her, even though he hadn't wanted her to seek out Severus, it had been a huge sign of trust on James' part. "And thank you, for letting me borrow it."
He waved her off, his familiar grin back on his face, sarcastic as ever, "don't worry about it, Red. As much as I tried to fight it you're practically an honorary marauder anyway," he clutched at his chest in mock affront and dragged a laugh out of her, James had basically said the same thing.
She managed a grin back at him as she made the marauders honour sign over her heart, "the privilege is mine," she replied, matching his tone.
His face lit up and his grin split his face as he tugged her in for another hug, much more jokingly this time and she swatted at him as he ruffled her hair like an annoying sibling, "you asshole," he told her affectionately, releasing her as he jerked a thumb towards the stairs, "third flight of stairs and second on the right, our names are on the door."
She squeezed his arm, "thanks, Sirius."
She strode up the boys staircase, too exhausted to care about any weird looks that might be sent her way. The common room wasn't even that busy, most people were revising, or at duelling club that was held on Tuesdays, and she would only be a minute.
She pushed open the door, cautious, even though she knew that James was the only one in there. "James?" She could hear the shower running and she cast her eyes around the dormitory as she strained her ears for a reply. The dorm didn't even smell that bad, although there was a distinctive scent of boy under the conflicting mix of deodorants and cologne that each marauder must favour. The room wasn't even as messy as she had expected it to be, and two of the beds were definitely more messy than the other two. She would bet money that Remus was one of the tidier ones and she wandered over to the other bed, next to the open window, to find out who the other tidy one was. Her question was answered as she spotted James' messy handwriting on the revision notes strewn on the bed. She grinned slightly, James Potter was tidy? Who knew?
"James?" She called again, raising her voice a bit louder. Her eyes moving to a wall of parchment scraps filled with random prank ideas or funny quotes each marauder had said through the year.
"Hello?" Came James' returning voice over the sound of the shower.
"James!" She replied, smirking a little as she spotted the silly drawings, sketches and comic strips interspersed among the prank/quote wall. She'd seen James doodling enough that she knew a lot of the were definitely his, but she was guessing that they'd all contributed to it. "James, it's Lily."
"What?" She tore her gaze from the wall, crossing her arms as she looked towards the bathroom door.
"It's Lily!" She repeated louder, "I'm bringing back the map!"
"WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" She huffed out a sigh, scowling at the bathroom door, but before she could shout back the shower had turned off. "Hello?" He repeated again.
"James," she said exasperatedly, "it's Lily, I've got your map."
"Oh!" His surprise was obvious, and Lily suddenly felt very rude that she'd waltzed into his space, expecting him to chat with her.
"Listen, I'll just leave it on your bed, we can chat when you're done, I'll be down-"
"No, no, don't worry!" Came his hasty reply, "I'll be two minutes, I just need to get the rest of this shampoo out!" Her heart was warmed yet again by the attentiveness of the marauders, a side to them she couldn't believe she'd barely seen before this year.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah of course! I wanted to chat to you anyway, are you ok? How did it go? Was Snape alright?" Lily was struck dumb for a long second at his concern for his rival, of course she knew he was probably only concerned because of her, and he knew she'd cared enough to track Severus down and talk to him, but nevertheless, it made a strange feeling fill her chest. "Lily? You still there?" She shook herself out of her musings.
"Yeah! Yeah I am- uh- yeah I'm ok, I'll fill you in when you're done."
"Ok, get comfortable, I'll be as quick as I can and- ah godric, is the dorm a mess? It probably is. Shit, sorry about the mess, Evans."
Lily smiled stepping towards his bed to set the map on his bedside table, "it's actually not as bad as I was expecting."
She heard his chuckle echo in the bathroom, "well thanks for the vote of confidence." He turned the shower back on, "won't be long!" Lily didn't bother replying, he probably wouldn't be able to hear her anyway, besides, her eyes had caught on some drawings of his that were sticking out from under a transfiguration book on his bed. She glanced towards the door, feeling a little guilty about her curiosity. She knew James could draw, she'd seen what he'd done with the mural outside Gryffindor tower. He hadn't yet admitted it to her, but he also had doodled more than once on their transfiguration notes, when he knew she would see them, so surely it wasn't that much of an invasion of privacy?
She pulled her hand back, chewing her lip as she debated with herself. It didn't last long and she vowed to put them back how she'd found them before he came out, and she nudged the book aside, looking curiously at the parchment.
The first drawing was of Sirius, her breath caught as she looked at it. It had been done in ink, it was a drawing of Sirius' upper body and face, and he was screaming, not in pain… but in anger. She sank onto the bed as she studied it. James had depicted Sirius, his head tilted upwards towards the viewer, screaming what must be bloody murder. In the drawing he had a pair of dark robes on, with a blazing Black crest across his chest, a gag hung around his neck, as if he'd just struggled his way out of it so his shouting could be heard. The dark background of Sirius' profile wasn't simple shading like she had first thought, no, it was words. Words in James' handwriting, overlapping each other, packed so densely in places that it looked like shading. Lily leaned in closer to read them.
Disgrace, disgusting, Gryffindor scum, pathetic excuse
They went on and on, all the insults and phrases one's she'd heard thrown at Sirius over the years, and on the gag in the drawing, written so lightly it gave the effect it was stitched into the fabric of the gag, was written: The Ancient and Noble House of Black. Lily looked at it in wonder, all those horrible words, James hadn't drawn them in as a snub to his best friend. It was evoking the feeling that the defiant Sirius he had captured was rebelling against every bad thing that had ever been said about him, screaming loud enough to drown them out. It was offputting, but beautiful.
The next one was a series of sketches of Peter. The first was a front-on view of him, his head thrown back in laughter as he sat on an armchair- one of the comfy ones by the fire in the common room. It was done in colour, and captured the dimples of Peter's cheeks perfectly, and a mirth that she'd seen many times when he was conversing with his friends. The next sketch was a side on view of Peter in the armchair, his head still thrown back in laughter. But the armchair, with him in it, had tipped over the edge of a cliff and was falling into a sea of reaching, grasping hands. They looked mean and evil, how Lily imagined Inferi to look, and James had drawn them in black and white to contrast the colours he'd drawn Peter in, the side of the armchair nearest the skeletal hands bleaching to black and white. It struck a chord within Lily, and somehow felt more disturbing than his depiction of Sirus.
The next one was another series of sketches, but this time it was of James, a self-portrait. Lily looked intently at it. The first one in the top left quadrant of the page was of James' head and shoulders, his head was bowed over and he hadn't drawn his face, but she'd recognise his hair anywhere. She looked at it, tilting her head. He'd drawn himself so critically. He wasn't as skinny and awkward in real life as he'd drawn himself. In his sketch, his collarbones jutted out, he'd drawn himself scrawnier, less broad, and his hair was still messy, but in the drawing it looked unkempt in a way it never did in truth.
The top right quadrant was split in two, the first drawing was of a building Lily didn't recognise- it was burning down. She studied it harder, it looked like it might be Potter Manor but she'd never seen the outside of it, only the inside from when she had gone there at Christmas. The drawing next to it was of James again, except this time he was looking towards the viewer. Again, his features were harsher and unflattering of himself and instead of drawing his eyes James had scored them out, like in crime shows when they censored the eyes so you couldn't identify people from pictures. But he'd scored them out violently.
The bottom left quadrant was similar to the previous sketch, except this time, the sketch-James' features were twisted in despair, and as well as his eyes being scored out he'd drawn his mouth as being stitched closed, it was gruesome in its detail and Lily was morbidly fascinated by it. The final quadrant was the worst. It showed the grisly sketch-James, with no eyes and a scarred mouth, and he was stood in front of the burning manor, his shoulders hunched in resignation and defeat. In the background vague fiery shapes could be seen devouring the manor, reminiscent of descriptions of fiendfyre that Lily had read about in books in the restricted section. Sketch-James grew gradually less defined the farther down his body the pencil had gone. The tops of his legs were vague outlines and his lower legs faded into nothingness, becoming vague scribbles.
Taking a short breath, Lily eventually turned her attention to the final drawing, this next one looked the oldest and a lump grew in her throat as she took it in.
It was Remus.
It was Remus, crouched on one knee, his face anguished as he held up a glistening, foreboding moon. His scars were in stark relief, more than Lily had ever seen on him in real life, and his clothing was tattered. Silver chains ran between shackles on his hands and feet, chaining him to the weight of the moon that was so clearly crushing him. It was like sculptures she'd seen of Atlas holding up the world- a prisoner tortured by his burden. Remus' face and been drawn upturned, one eye capturing his mossy green perfectly, the other an unfamiliar amber, and tears of blood streaked his scarred cheeks.
God was this what it was like for Remus? If anyone knew the burden of his lycanthropy it was the marauders, but seeing it drawn and interpreted like this- it was disturbing. She averted her gaze from the drawings, placing them back in a pile. She felt like she'd seen something she shouldn't have. James had captured something horrifying. Was this the fears of each of them? Sketched out with pen and paper. Or was it only James' fears? Worry bubbled up inside her, was James ok? These drawings were heavy and scary and… honest. Horribly and brutally honest. Lily didn't have much more time to ponder it as she abruptly realised that the shower was no longer running and she scrambled to hide the parchment again as she got to her feet. Just in time too, as the bathroom door swung open, revealing James, clad in shorts and a t-shirt as he towelled his hair dry, a waft of moist air carrying the smell of him, and whatever shower gel and shampoo he used over to her, settling the concern that had been rising in her.
"Hey," she said to him.
"Hey," he replied back, throwing his towel over a hook and giving her a smile as he picked his glasses up from his bedside table, placing them on his face. His smile immediately turned to concern as he looked at her, "are you ok? What happened?"
She pointed to the map that was next to where his glasses had just been, "I brought your map back." He only spared it a quick glance before returning his eyes to hers.
"From the looks of things it didn't go so well," he said softly, chewing her lip she shook her head, looking anywhere but at him because she suddenly felt like she was going to cry again. "Do you wanna talk about it?"
She hesitated, for some reason, despite the fact he was possibly the worst person to talk to about anything Severus-related, well, besides Sirius maybe, she wanted to talk to him. She met his eyes as she considered, he was waiting patiently for her reply. She imagined telling him that Severus had just kissed her and any desire to talk about the details fled, that was not going to happen- for all sorts of reasons she wasn't even sure she could voice to herself. She wanted to ask him about his drawings- though that probably wasn't a good idea either because then she'd have to tell him she'd been rooting through his belongings.
So instead, she shook her head, but she gave him a brief summary of her talk with Severus, still wanting to give him something, because it didn't feel fair not to. She ran her hands through her hair, smoothing it back from her face and the mess it had remained after her encounter with Sirius. "I talked to him," James was looking at her openly, and a pang of guilt shot through her at withholding information. "We had a huge argument," she trailed off lamely, "it was awful."
"About his dad?" James asked.
She winced, she probably shouldn't go into the details of that either, "kind of, but I don't think him and his father- they weren't- there wasn't much of a relationship there." Now it was James wincing, and something about the sight of him, so clearly not being able to relate to such a thing because he loved his parents more than anything and they him, warmed her heart. "And then it dissolved into basically a rehashing of all the fights we've had in recent history." Plus the addition of a confession of his feelings.
James gave her a sympathetic smile, "death eaters versus the order of the phoenix?" Lily nodded miserably, the familiar pain in her chest was back.
"I think I've lost him, James," she said quietly, her voice shaking, studying his t-shirt. Something about what had just happened with Severus felt final. Like despite her hammering and clawing at the door between them, begging him to stay, he had shut her out anyway. "I think he's gone for good and I can't do shit about it and it fucking sucks."
"Hey," his voice was gentle and comforting and quiet, and he took her wrists in his hands, squeezing them lightly. She sniffed as she looked up at him, about to cry, again. "It's not in your nature to give up, Evans."
"It was different this time, James-" she cut herself off on a sob.
"Then you'll figure it out," his comfort made her want to cry even harder, and she found herself grasping his forearms as he held her wrists, just needing something to hold on to. "We can always hope. And no matter what happens we've got your back, all of us, ok?" She nodded, the motion sending a few tears falling to the floor. He ran his thumbs over her wrists once before letting go, and she reluctantly followed suit, releasing his arms to scrub at her eyes instead, frowning at the insistent headache that had formed behind them.
He handed her a handkerchief that she took gratefully, noisily blowing her nose, "you're gonna be ok." She looked at him, searching his face and taken aback at his conviction. He seemed to hesitate for a second, before holding his arms out in an offer of a hug. She immediately went into him, thudding into his chest with enough force to make him teeter slightly before regaining his balance. She hugged him tightly, and he got the memo, tightening his own arms around her, the pressure was welcoming and comforting. His familiar smell from his recent shower filling her nose and calming her mind. His handkerchief was clenched tightly in one of her hands, the other knotted in the back of the soft cotton of his t-shirt.
She reckoned James might give even better hugs than Sirius, and only a few sobs managed to escape her before his overwhelming steadiness quieted the rest. His chin rested on her head and one of his hands made soothing circles on her back, "for what it's worth," he said quietly, "I'm sorry."
"You always hated him," she said, her voice muffled into his chest, sounding somewhat petulant even as she was still clinging on for dear life.
"I never hated him," was James' gentle reply, "I never liked him. Frankly I found him annoying, especially in first year, particularly when he beat me to answers." Lily chuckled wetly, Severus had done that a lot. "And then I was jealous of him-"
Lily's laugh turned disbelieving, but she remained where she was, burrowed into his arms, "you? Jealous of Severus?"
She could hear his slight laugh in his chest, "he was friends with the coolest girl in school, 'course I was jealous, I wanted to be your friend." Lily's laugh faded a little, and now look what had happened, he was among one of her closest friends, and here she was, in his dorm, refusing to loosen her grip on him, and him holding her just as tightly after Severus had somehow managed to break her heart again. 11-year old Lily would never believe her, and 11-year old Sev would probably have a conniption.
"Anyway," James continued, sensing they had gone off topic and wandered into strange territory. "What I mean, is that I know how much you care about him." She pressed her face more tightly into his chest, searching for his heartbeat, letting out a breath when she found it- steady and unwavering. She focused on that rather than the stream of thoughts filled with the words care and Severus, roiling around in her head, it was too complicated, too fresh, she didn't want to think about it. "And I know what happened with the boys last term isn't the same, but losing friends always fucking sucks." She nodded, and a piece of her hair tickled James' nose making his face scrunch, "and for that I'm sorry."
"Thank you, James." She said quietly, breathing in deeply, and letting everything about him envelop her until it all didn't hurt so much.
He held her until she let go.
A/N- Alright, whew, I think that conversation between Lily and Severus has been long overdue. As always, thanks for reading, please let me know what you think in the reviews. I hope you enjoyed this nice long chapter and see you soon.