Disclaimer: Twilight and all of its characters and plot all belong to the amazing Stephanie Meyer nothing belongs to me but my plot (except the parts were I burrow SM Plot) and the original characters that will be introduced in the future.

P.s. Urgent: This is the third chapter I update in a matter of days, it is more of a fill in but important chapter. I had a certain plan for this story then I decided to spice it up a little hence this chapter. It will lead to the next chapter which will be a little surprise. I also changed the rating to M, though it will mostly be for alcohol drinking and swearing.

Please after you are done read the A/N in the end.

P.S. URGENT . This chapter is dedicated to my best friend Nanooz who just texted me today informing me that she is finally back in the country. This chapter is merely a Welcome back gift, if you could call it that.

I love you and miss you terribly. Waiting for your call. Xoxo

Please enjoy: D

I sat alone in the cafeteria my head down, my now long hair around my face in a curtain shielding me from the prying stares of fork's high population. They were sitting on the very other side of the cafeteria the farthest corner away from me.

The Cullens . Once a name that would make me smile, now only a reminder of what I used to have.

Or maybe I was the one sitting away, after all they were sitting in the exact same spot they always occupied. With Tanya replacing me right in my old chair –next to Edward and opposite to Alice.

It was surprising how even the unique color of her hair in my peripheral vision caused so much anguish in my broken heart.

I didn't feel like eating. I was never hungry anymore. I was aware of how thin I became. Yet, again I couldn't bring myself to care. I only had a bottle of water infront of me. I didn't want to faint from dehydration.

Again.

The bump it left on my left hip still caused me immense pain, a welcomed one. A distraction from the constant emotional turmoil that was my life. Fainting at home is one thing, fainting at a school filled with teenagers who take gossip more seriously than school work is another.

I raised the volume of my faithful and constant companion.

My iPod.

I dug it out of my old box underneath my bed. The box that had everything about my old life in Phoenix. It was hard opening it. It was painful, with lots of tears and sobs. I got through it though. When my barriers came down everything was clear again.

I missed them.

I needed some reminder of who I used to be. I needed a reminder of who they were to me. I missed them terribly. I wanted to pick up my phone and call them so badly. I just couldn't, they probably hated me now. It's ok though I would hate me too. He on the other hand I would never be able to reach, he is truly gone.

Forever.

I clutched my hand around the iPod tighter; it was a black mini with an inscription in the back. He bought it to me on my latest birthday. I remember how much I was happy to get it.

I used to love music so much but after he was gone; listening to the things we used to enjoy together became impossible. So the classics became the only safe bargain.

The iPod became a taboo, a reminder to be banished. I did a very well job of it; I erased everything from my life that could ever bring back those memories.

Now however the cat was out of the bag. In my head it was. I rearranged all of my old things in my room, the same way they were in my old room back home.

I cried for him, for them.

I started remembering those little things about him; like how when he laughed so hard the curls in his hair would bounce around his shoulder happily .I missed him more than words could say.

I started this habit of writing him letters then putting them in a small tin box hidden in between my clothes. I wrote a few each day. I made it a routine to finish my homework then write. I told him everything that happed after his death which I liked to refer to as the accident.

Everything with Edward, everything with James and every tiny supernatural detail. I loved him too much to lie to him. Though I knew he will never read them. I couldn't admit that he was gone yet. In my heart he was still alive. Waiting for me back home. My fragile heart couldn't possibly take losing him too.

So I held on, I talked to him in my letters.

Secretly imagining what he would say to me in response. I would smile softly then a tear would fall as a reminder of what I was trying to forget.

However, I didn't start with the letters until a certain incident.

This last week so many things happened on a personal aspect. Besides accepting my past, except that tiny information that I like to pretend it didn't happen -his death-. It felt so liberating to remember and accept my past.

I felt like me again. A broken me but still. The first day back had been quite hard, accepting Tanya and all. The pain was overwhelming.

Everyone kept hovering around me.

It was my own personal hell.

In the middle of lunch sitting at my old table with my old group, with Tanya in my field of vision for one second I just wanted to die.

In the same moment Jasper rotated his head and looked directly in my eyes. I saw my pain reflected at me, I saw his pity. At that moment I swore that I will not let him ever feel it again, I knew Edward could read Jasper's mind. It just never occurred to me until that moment.

The humiliation was like none other I ever felt. The desperation I felt for none of them to know how much power they had over me forced every emotion right out of my system. In a second I put a shield around myself. In a second I was numb again. I saw Jasper's back stiffen but I could hardly care.

I wanted out and I did get out. I stood up in the middle of their conversation and flew out of the cafeteria with their shouts of calling my name trailing behind me.

I didn't care.

The next day anybody who tried talking to me I didn't give them any answers.

I was being rude. I acted almost as if I wasn't there. I was though; I stopped taking my medication the previous day. I was aware. I was almost happy that I could feel with the same intensity as normal human beings again.

I sat alone that day and after shutting everyone down they stopped approaching me. Though Angela God blesses her sweet soul kept passing me shy smiles through the day. They helped reminding me of the good people in the world.

I could have talked to her but I didn't want to put such a sweet soul in my agony.

It was mine. For me alone to suffer through.

That day I saw Tanya kissing him in the cafeteria; it was on the cheek but a kiss nonetheless. It pained me more than I can describe but my shield was firm in place. Though my emotions changed that moment. I started feeling resentment, disdain and anger filter in.

Towards the love of my life.

Bringing Tanya in the equation changed everything, it showed me how none of what happened between us meant anything to him, it showed me the ease of being replaced.

I was angry.

My anger wasn't like a volcano eruption more like a slow burn consuming me and eating me up without my notice.

That day I wanted my best friend. That day I started writing the letters.

Today sitting in the cafeteria, I just had this urge to just go out and do something irresponsible.

I remembered his words, my promise to him that I will be careful. I remembered his promise to me that he will never leave me. Suddenly my decision was made. If he broke his promise, I had no reason to keep mine.

It was my first sign of anger. I wanted to feel something other than pain and anger. I wanted to feel something other than artificial numbness. I wanted to defy him. To go against his wishes, to piss him off. I wanted to feel like I used to back home. I wanted to go out, get drunk and party my ass off.

I wanted freedom. And I WOULD get what I want.

The slow burn had worked itself up. And boy, I was ready for my first eruption.

After all no one was here to stop me.

Author's note:

Hello guys, I wanted to thank everyone who reviewed, alerted or added this story to their fav list. You guys could always make my day much brighter. I had this idea the other day. I am always curious about what people who don't know each other think of each other by only reading what a person wrote. Based on their style, plot and characters. So I want you guys when you review tell me about how old you think I am, whether I am a girl or a guy and where I am from.

The winner (closest guess) will get the next chapter dedicated to them. And a virtual date with Edward.

p.s. Nanooz can't participate since she already knows: P

More reviews = Faster updates

Lots of Love.

A.E.